Apr. 22nd, 2019 07:49 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
 Not ready for Monday.
I feel like I have a combination of a restlessness and an exhaustion creeping over me at the same time. 
I have felt this way for over a week.  I have no idea what to do about it.

Weekend was ok. No specific upsets.
I think I got most of the bugs worked out of my home-made turn signal switch I was working on. Did a lot more fiberglass work on the blinkers I am trying to build. getting towards the end of having the 2nd one done, then I can paint and seal them. 

But I also think I am repeating myself now.


Apr. 19th, 2019 12:37 pm
poisonedgrace: (Default)
The Dr apt went exactly as I expected, which was a relatively good thing.

Got home, and I did have some time to get some work done.
Only time for 1 layer of fiberglass, since that kind takes about 2 hours or more to cure.
After I for it curing, I came inside, and worked on a turn signal switch I am building.  I am doing so by disassembling and stripping down + repairing an existing switch.  Man, that thing is awful. So badly designed it's just unbelievable. I have some ideas on how I can make it more streamlined and actually work better, we'll see how it goes.

After work today, I will do some sanding and grinding, then more fiberglassing, then while it's curing, I will tackle the switch again.  I think I have worked out a design idea, just have to wire it up and build my own current connection switch bar thing.My only worry is that it mat be a little fragile, but then again, probably not any more so than the switch originally was. and it will produce less heat, which should help.

Aside from that...
Well, maybe I should stick to that.  No point in dumping worms out.  I'm never going to be OK with life, and I'm never going to have any help or support to get OK, so I will just distract myself and carry on.


Apr. 18th, 2019 01:01 pm
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I think I got all the shaping / sanding / fiberglass work finished for the first skull yesterday.  All that's left for that one is to paint and seal it.
It was definitely a learning process.  Hopefully I can take what I learned and get through the second one a lot more swiftly and more easily.

I'm going to hold off on the painting and sealing until they're both crafted, because that part's simple.
It fits in the light housing the way I want it to,  Pretty exciting. I haven't exactly worked out how I want to mount the lightbulb / socket fixture, but I don't expect that to be any particular problem. I'm going to craft the one for the other side, and when it's done, I will figure out if I want to just do some basic "poke it in there" (doubtful, because it would roll around and cause issues), or if I want to come up with a cardboard / plastic mount, then fiberglass it together (more likely, but I will see once they're both finished).

I'm not sure if I will have time to work on it today or not, as I have to drive to a Dr appointment right after work.

Buuuut, we'll see :D

poisonedgrace: (Default)
 Didn't end up doing any of my stuff I wanted to do after work yesterday.  Ended up doing some stuff with my family instead, so I guess I can't complain.

Going to try to go get some things done after work today though.

What I really want, is to eat a lot of things that I can't have,

I want to walk in graveyards.

I want to do stupid things at 2am

I want to see behind the curtains of the Math of the Universe

I want to smell the rain and the earth and revel in it.

I want to believe that I won't be alone and besieged.

I want to believe in forever again.

I would settle for believing in tomorrow.

'When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?'

troll ward

Apr. 16th, 2019 08:31 am
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I had bad dreams last night. I was part of a group of orcs and trolls, who looked mostly like normal people, except for the odd lumpiness, toothiness, or weird color  situation.  A few of us were trying to sneak through this immense building, because most of our people had been captured and admitted to an insane asylum.

The whole place was like some garish Victorian affair, that had been veneered over with modern trappings.  We sneaked through a maze of rooms and offices and hallways, residential and everything else you could imagine. We would go quietly past people when we could, or take them down silently when we had to, always careful to not rouse any alarm.

Finally, we made it to the lock down ward that all our people were in. Everyone else was securing the area, and preparing for the mass exit, so I went into the ward alone.  It was a common room type place, with dozens of my people in hospital gowns, wandering around meekly, medicated into oblivion.  As I tried to rouse them and get them to follow me, they all just looked towards a windowed / locked room, like where a watcher / guard would sit.  A head nurse looking lady, mean and tough came tearing out of there, rushing towards me.  She dropped a tray loaded with medication on her way, and launched herself at me. We struggled slightly, but I had orc / troll strength and I got her in a choke.  I was so angry about what she had been doing to us all, that I just squeezed and squeezed, mashing the life out of her.

After a few moments, I looked around, and saw that all of my heavily medicated, imprisoned people were looking at me like I was a monster. I'm not sure what was more upsetting in that moment, my hands around the human's throat, or the looks that they were giving me, but it
sent me on a rocket to awakening.

Of course it was some portion of the clock, at 4 or 5 am, and I don't know if I ever got fully back asleep before the alarm.

I feel really tired and meh today.
I worked with some of the fiberglassing supplies that I added to my tool kit yesterday.  I think that I did have some helpful ideas, but I think I didn't quite mix up the correct hardener ratio yesterday, and my outcome was slightly gummy, over all.  Like I said, there's a learning curve, I am getting there, but I'm sure it'll take a while. Probably when I am done with the project will be around the time I learn what I am doing, and get OK at it, then I wont use it again for years, until I forget it all and start from square 1 again.  You know, that's how I craft.

I need a break from life.  I need more time to focus on crafting and things that relax and enrich me.  I know I write about it a lot, but that's mainly because it's the only thing that gives me peace.  I really don't get to spend much time on it.  I'm feeling burned out and weary.
I don't feel like there's anything I can do about it.

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Worked on learning to use fiberglass this weekend. There's a learning curve with it, for sure.  I think I would be decent at doing a larger more flat area, but of course I am starting with something that is both small and detailed.  Because that's how I do things :/

After doing a few different attempts / layers on my project, I went to the store and picked up a few different supplies.  Learning what else I needed and might be handy along the way helped.

Didn't get to try a new layer after that, but I am looking forward to it.

The weather has been really lovely for it. I have enjoyed being outside, even if I have been in mt flightsuit coveralls, and a respirator. haha

I wish the entire summer could be so nice.
I guess that's one of the reasons I want to move so badly. 
I'm stuck here for a while though. Not to mention that I am also poor, and totally chickenshit when it comes to such a big change.
It's not like I have ever had anyone I could really rely on though. It would probably be a lot better and easier to do, if I did.

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 Yay for Friday, and pay day.  Now I can give my money to my bills, and be broke and successfully treading water again for another 2 weeks! hehe!
Went to see the new Hellboy last night. It was every bit as good as the previous franchise.  I hope it does well, but the release schedule makes me nervous. Avengers will be out in 2 weeks, so i Hope that doesn't hurt it.


Apr. 11th, 2019 07:38 am
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 Dr Visits yesterday.  Spine specialist for both of us.
Solutions seem to be in the works, which is good.  But they may recommend another surgery, which is scary.  So we will know more soon.
Based on what they were saying yesterday, seems likely, but they're going to review the MRIs and such again, and we should know sometime next week or so.

Neither of us excited about more surgeries / procedures, but also not really into living with the pain and physical limitations and issues forever, either.

This all moves at a snail's pace so far, so it'll be good to move along with it either way though.
I would really like to be able to get back to a normal life eventually. If it takes more surgery to do it, then I guess it does.

New adventures in The World Of Ongoing Pain Struggle, my wrist is now hurting rather often.  I think it is from it overcompensating for the numbness and lack of strength in my fingers, as weird as that sounds.  Neck / Spine injuries are a hell of a thing, y'all. Your entire body runs through those hubs, and it can really fuck up a lot of shit that you didn't expect it to.

Buuut, on to something less frustrating and sad (or is it?), I got the amber lights in for the turn signal housings I am creating.  Just the initial 'holding it together to get a vague Idea of how it's going to look' gives me a lot of hope. I think it looks pretty awesome so far.  I am really excited for scheduling, the weather, pain levels, and opportunity to line up so that I can advance with the next parts of the project.  Sadly, I feel like I can really only do a couple of hours or so of anything at a time, because I become useless after that, but I try to get things done a couple of hours at a time, if that's what I have.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
 Finished up with the last of what I wanted to harvest from that Jeep. Gotta either tie off or remove a couple of wires, and maybe a switch + go through the extra parts and stuff I put in the back. An afternoon's work, even with my limited / injured capacity to do things.  After that, it's just a matter of cleaning it up as good as I can inside and outside, and removing as much of the ashtray stink as I can. Then it can be sold.  Sadly, it's not really worth much.  No one has been interested in helping me with any of this, but they're going to be ready for their cut of the money when it's done, for sure.  This is really a 100% The Little Red Hen situation.  Buuuut, then again, it's fairly typical.  Oh well.

Aside from that, This film season is looking to break me.
Captain Marvel, Shazam, Hellboy, The Avengers... Those are just the ones I feel like I can't miss.  There's several others that I would love to see if I had the money, etc.  It's good (especially with my mental state etc) to have things to look forward to, but I wish they were spread out better through the year, because ouch, all at once. :/

I dunno, I guess I don't really have much to say today.


Apr. 8th, 2019 09:37 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
I got my human skull replicas in the mail on Saturday. I will be using them as turn signals on the project car.  I took apart my light housing that I am converting over, and came up with a fabrication pattern to make it all work together, and build the base structure. It was too wet and rainy all weekend to make it out of fiberglass, so I will have to wait on that part, but it's ready to go as soon as the weather allows.
I am pretty proud of the mock up I built so far. hopefully it's good after the fiberglass is all done up.


Apr. 5th, 2019 09:15 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Today is a weird day. I had dreams that are escaping me fully, but they were filled with escape and entrapment.
Work is grinding the life out of all of us.
Being alone because there are no others is one thing. Being alone when there are others but barriers keep you alone is another.
One of my lights is flickering and it's not helping.
I'm afraid that it's not ever going to really get any better than this.
I don't know how to be anything besides empty.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
 Starting to get my packages in. That has helped with the anxiety as well. Tested all the lights that made it so far. The wipers were missing the power switch, so I called those guys, and they are supposed to be sending one out today. Everything is looking good so far, I am excited to have been able to assemble more of what I need. Still have some funds left, so I may put that towards the parking brake, depending on the cost of parts. If they're cheap, I may focus elsewhere, since I am using the tax money to try to knock out larger expenses. I am getting some assistance to determine what I will need for them on Tuesday, so I will know more then.

Things are still chaos at work, so I am obviously trying to focus on other things and channeling my energy into something positive instead of have various existential malaise.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
Having a high pain day today, no idea why.
Looking forward to my next Dr apt so I can see what my options are. I am tired of living like this on a regular basis.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
 Most of my stuff researched and purchased now.  Still have a bit left.  Sent most of the tax money to my CC to cover it, but I can still get a few more bits, once things settle and process.  Since I got all of the most expensive items at this point, I am a little unsure what to go for next.  Maybe by the time the process catches up, I will settle my mind on it.

The anxiety is a little better already, as well.  Being replaced with excitement :)

poisonedgrace: (Default)
 I am having that weird 'poverty anxiety' that most people don't understand. 
I spent the weekend shopping online for stuff that I need for my car project, spending my tax return on it and like... whenever I buy anything expensive, especially for myself, I get a lot of anxiety over it. I know it comes from growing up in poverty, and not really having a lot of money even these days, but it's weird how hard it can ride me sometimes.
It's silly, but it's a thing I struggle with on the rare occasion that I can splurge and buy something that costs more than 60 bucks max 
I can deal with it a lot better now if it's like at the grocery store and stuff, and I can manage it pretty well if it's with household goods / things I actually need, but it's not often that I legit buy things that I totally don't 'need' like this, things that are totally for an optional project like this. I need to re-frame myself to realize that working on things like this and learning, is therapy, both physical and mental. 
But yeah, I spent a bit over 1/2 my tax return so far, but I ordered everything needed for windshield wipers (having to make them from scratch) and all the lighting I will need (headlights, brake / reverse / turn signals, etc). It's a lot of good progress. I wish i could stop feeling like something is squishing me to death
I reasonably know that, it's ok to do this, I am allowed, and I am even deserving of my own care and indulgence, occasionally.  The logical part of my mind knows it, and I am careful to not just go nuts buying things, but on the occasion that I spend money in the triple digits, I get so freaked out. Maybe I will feel better when things arrive safely.  

I guess i am a work in progress myself, as well.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
 I am SO bad at spending money.  Like if I buy anything for myself aside from really cheap food or gas, I have these unbelievable feelings of gilt and panic.  Especially if the item costs over a hundred bucks.  I used some of my tax return to buy my windshield wipers just now, and I am essentially having a panic attack over it.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
 Thank goodness for this pay day.
Finally got back to barely treading water, like usual, instead of actively drowning. 
Was able to finally replace the minuscule amount I am able to keep in savings (think, enough to replace one blown out tire, but not enough for emergencies any larger than that), so that's good.

Now, I can use my income tax refund to try to get a few things that I need to get my car on the road. Maybe not 100% legal, but a heck of a lot closer to it lol.
You know, things like... headlights, for instance are needed :P

Not trying to count my lizards before they hatch, but I am hopeful.


Mar. 27th, 2019 07:49 pm
poisonedgrace: (Default)
 If I were a different person...
Rather... If certain fundamental aspects of who I am as a person, we're different, I wonder if I could be living a completely different life right now. 
I wonder how many of my decisions in life have been made from good sense, or a sense of responsibility, versus how many have been made from cowardice, veiled with gravity...
poisonedgrace: (Default)
 The diversity in the world is amazing.
So many different people on so many different levels.
I can't articulate what it going through my head, because it's too much a swirl, and I don't have the energy.
But it's there, and I acknowledge it.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
 When I was about 4, I was at my grandfather's house, and he was out in the garden. the phone kept ringing and ringing and ringing like forever, and to answer it, I had to drag a chair from the kitchen to the hall way and climb up it, then climb on the deep freeze, right?
1, it was an ordeal, and needless to say 2, i wasn't supposed to do it.

But it wouldn't stop ringing, so I did it. and I answered by saying "You are interrupting my cartoons."
My family still makes fun of me to this day. 
The moral of the story, is that some people never grew past the level of telephone competency that I had  when I was 4.
And that, my friends, is sad.

So, like, don't answer the phone if all you can say is "Sorry, it's a bad time" or "i am driving, can you call back later", or "I am pooping", etc.
That's what voice mail is for.
Just let it go, man.

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