Oct. 18th, 2017 01:33 pm
poisonedgrace: (Default)
 I did stop by Goodwill yesterday.  The new one near my house was HUGE.  It was like a freakin CostCo in there.
They had nothing remotely along the lines of what I was needing though.  It ended up being a waste of time.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
 Got all my velcro done last night.  Did a test fitting,  Seems like everything will work.  Got a good look at the pants.  The touch up painting phase will be more involved than I realized.  Quite a bit of damage to the pants.  I think the arms are mostly good, but those legs tho.  Going to start on all that today after work.  I don't foresee it being impossible, or taking more time than I have.  Just more work than I thought it was going to be.

Dreams again, similar in substance I think.  Better to not remember.  

When you tie someone's hands and feet, you can not blame them for failing to swim to your rescue.
Good job, making me question my decency.  But I've thought about it a lot, and I'm not wrong.
You tie someone up, snug as livestock, lashed to a pole, you don't get to lament all the places they are unable to venture forth to.
The worst thing that has happened to our culture is the trope of people being saved taking deep roots inside of us.
Books, movies, myths and legends all tell us how we need someone to come save us.  Whether it's a Robin Hood saving the Witches from the stake,  A White Knight saving the Damsels in Distress, or the Manic Pixie Dream Girl saving the Brooding Lump.
It's all the same, and it the biggest disservice that modern relationships suffer.  Unless it's some form of 911 emergency, no one can 'save you'.  Not from yourself.  Not from your life.  We all have to be the heroes of our own stories and get ourselves to a better point, so that we can SHARE a life with others.  Drop that 1950s bullshit that has well proven to be dysfunctional.
We have to take what works and strive for the future.  We can't keep retreating into broken aspects of the past and expecting things to get better.

Maybe I've forgotten 
The name and the address 
Of everyone I've ever known, 
It's nothing I regret.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
Didn't get to finish my velcro yesterday after all.  Didn't get to do anything.  I had to go by the grocery and pick up some 'oh noes, someone is sick' supplies, and then go home and have an illness party.

Might get to work on it some today.

I guess we will see.  I also need to stop by Goodwill (as much as I hate the gouging bastards) and look for a bit of supplies.
Hopefully I can score what I need for cheaper than the 20 - 25 dollar price of a new one online.

Again, I don't have much to talk about.
I had a lot of dreams last night.  This time, about some place where I had friends and a real sense of community.
Luckily I don't remember too many details.  Those can be painful.  We all know that it won't ever happen in real life, so I'd rather bury it and try to avoid feeling a loss.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
 I had several sprawling dreams last night, and a couple of them were very realistic.  That type of confusing realistic where you don't know which is a dream and which is real.  I can't remember a lot of details about which one is which or when or who, but I remember bits and pieces.  Working with ghosts and trapped in time.  Shunned and left behind.  Angry and irritated and out of my mind.

I have all my base coat laid down.  I am doing the velcro before final touch-ups and detail painting.  So far, so good.
I am optimistic for this one, at this point.  I guess we will see how it goes :D

Everything else is fine, over all.  
Well, at least as "fine" as usual.  
Whatever passes for "fine" for people like me.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
I had detailed dreams last night.  A place where things were good.  There was no loss, no needs unmet, life was rich and hearty, and no suffering.  

Mercifully, they faded fast when I woke up, and I can barely remember anything besides impressions.  I hope they don't come back to me.

Started the color coat on my costume painting last night.  So far, so good!!  I don't see any reason why that part won't finish up this weekend.  Then I will do a couple of tests on some small hard to see place, and decide the next step :D

poisonedgrace: (Default)
Got pretty irritated last night.  Since I have to be up for work by like 5:30am, I usually have to try to reign in my crafting and start considering bed earlyish as well.  If I know that I am going to be distracted, I set an alarm on my phone for 8:00pm so I can clean up, disengage, and have time to shave, shower and whatever else before bed.  Every night this week, out hillbilly houseguests have made a fucking beeline for my bathroom at about this time, and then holed up in there for a solid hour.  

The first couple of nights, I was willing to assume it was a coincidence.  Last night, (Wednesday, so the 3rd time this week), I stopped being willing to extend the benefit of that doubt. So, this morning, I got up about 10 minutes early.  Usually, I try to be quiet as a mouse in the mornings, but not today, Satan.  I opened and closed doors as loud as I could without slamming them.  I turned lights on and off willy-nilly.  I shaved and ran the loudest electric razor that I had, with the bathroom door open.  I took a shower and when I was done with everything, I left the bathroom door closed and the light on (something that has been done to me several times as well).  I took about an extra 10 mins or so longer than usual, and left home late, but I still made it to work on time.  I know it was disturbing them, because they were up and milling about before I left, which has never happened so far.  

And I am done.  From now on, until they leave, I am going to be loud in the mornings.  It's not my style, and it's not even something that I can make come naturally to me, but by god, I can do it on purpose for another month or so.  

The week they arrived, all my towels went missing.  I assumed that once they went and got their own shit from the house the fled, that mine would come back.  Or you know... be cycled back into the towel cabinet after laundry?  Like normal motherfuckers would do?  But no, they've been hoarded up, along with whatever towels they own, and I have never seen them again.  I have been living with one solitary towel.  Frankly, when they leave, I don't imagine they will leave a one of them behind.  And if anything is ever said to them about anything along these lines, it's 100% pleading ignorance.  "I don't know where they could have gone."  "I haven't seen them." etc etc.  And that's just more fucking irritating than ignoring it.  At least ignoring it doesn't give them the fucking satisfaction of knowing that it bothers anyone.  

I could rant volumes about this, but it's pointless.

poisonedgrace: (Default)

Nothing new to report, I don't guess.  Today's post and yesterday's post could just about be the same.
Tomorrow is supposed to go back to the usual hot ass weather, but today was nice again.

About to head home from work, and try to scratch up some food, and get back to work painting my costume.  Once the undercoat is all done, I am going to do a test spot with my airbrush, and see how it holds / goes on / looks, and decide if I am going to airbrush the whole thing.  It's exciting, but nervous as well, because I have never used it before.  It's a cheap, low end model, but it was one that I could afford, and again, since I've never used one, I might as well have a basic one for learning.  I tend to learn things by jumping in with both feet, so this is as good a time as any.  My other option would be to hand paint it with brushes (which is exactly what I typically always do, with everything), and possibly use some rattle cans for accent touches.  I already bought some rattle can paint for this one, years ago, when I first started the original (now much changed) incarnation of this costume.  I didn't get the airbrush until probably a year after that.  I am also rubbish with spray paint, so those rattle cans are likely to look just as bad as anything else.  

We'll paint that bridge when we come to it, I guess.  Depending on how quick the next steps go, maybe this weekend.  


Oct. 10th, 2017 08:55 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
 I know that I had dreams last night.  It was a pleasant place of some sort that I visited, but I can't remember anything other than vague impressions.  Travel, perhaps, preparations.  I remember small pond and fountain, and discussing travel arrangements.  Strangers who were becoming friends.  Not sure what else.

The costume painting is going well so far.  Should be good and try when I get home today, so I can really inspect it for areas that need another coat., before moving on to the coloring phases.

First sign of actual cooler weather so far this year.  We've had mild retreats from heat, but not really any sense of coolness, until today.  

poisonedgrace: (Default)
 The more I look back on the failures of my life, the more I become convinced that the problem is me.  I can't tell at the moment if it's the depression, or if I am actually an awful person.  If I try to focus and really think about any specific instance, it seems to sort out as me doing the best I could have with what I had to work with and what I knew at the time, but what if I am just an awful person after all?  

Could I have done more?  Could I have done things differently?  Sometimes I don't even know.
I want to do right, but I also want to have boundaries that are enforced in a healthy manner.  Have people just presented me as the bad guy because I didn't let them victimize me and ignore my boundaries?  Is there any way for me to objectively know?

either / or

Oct. 9th, 2017 07:08 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
So, things...
Got everything glued.  Did a search, and found the paint.  *drumroll.....*  The paint was all in perfect condition.  Big relief.  That means I was able to move ahead with the project, instead of have to worry about how and when I can afford another can of that absurdly expensive mess.  I have at least one coat on the entire area, and will work on getting at least a 2nd coat on when I get home from work.  Total will be 2 or 3 base coats, one finishing coat, and then a detail coat, and possibly a sealing coat, but I have to test that before I decide.

Last night, I dreamed that I was in the dream version of the old trailer, and people were stopping by.  H&E came, and they had these little newborn kittens.  They were little tiny tabby cats.  They were snow white, with bright red.  They looked like peppermints, only tabby cats.  There were some other kittens too, but needless to say, those ones really stood out. 

Someone else arrived, and handed me a copy of "Figure Sculpting Magazine", which I was really excited about for whatever reason.  I was looking through it, but unfortunately, the entire thing, cover to cover, was about cantaloupes.  How to choose them, what the different kinds are, how they smell, how they taste, rare color variations, genetic modifications, etc etc etc.  I got more and more annoyed as I tried looking through it.

I know that there were several other dreams in the night, as well as more parts of this one, but I can't remember anything else now.

Weekend went smoothly enough.  Money will still be really tight until Friday's pay day, and then just regular tight (as opposed to 'really') after that, for a good while.  I need to remember to contact my lawyers soon and go over the final options with the situation, and get ready to move ahead with whatever.

I can't decide if I am a loser at winning, or a winner at losing.
Either way, it comes out to the same thing though.

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I've decided that when I get paid, I'm going to finally buy me a sewing box.  I've wanted one on and off, and always just contented myself with a grocery bag or something else for my sewing supplies.  Every time I look at them, I am torn between wanting one, and being aghast at how powerful ugly they all are.  But I realized after leaving the fabric store last time, that it wouldn't be hard to buy one, and also buy some nice Halloween fabric, and just re-upholster it myself.  It shouldn't be too expensive if I find coupons, so I think I am finally going to do it.  The sewing I've been doing recently made me realize how much more organized I could be, with a little effort.

Didn't get to my glue sealing last night, but I will be focusing on it today, after work.  Not sure how long it will take, but surely I can have it done by the end of the weekend, at most.
Saturday will be my 'birthday dinner'.  Keeping it small, due to the invaders, but yay food.
It's been a hungry week (and another to go) because of finances this check.  

I don't know what to get into beyond that.
I can only go on about depression and sadness so much before I start to give in to it.  Unhealthy or not, my best coping mechanism, ultimately seems to be to try to distract myself.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
Stupid Things That I get Depressed Over #417: I am really unhappy that I am not an invincible gorilla. I would love to be a nice big gorilla, and bullet proof, etc. I would run around in the night, snatching up awful people, pulling their limbs off, and biting through their skulls. Somehow, I am really mopey about this not being the case.

I got all my sewing done last night for the costume I am fiddling with.  Tonight, I will start sealing and smoothing the seams with hot glue.  After that's done, I will finally check my paint, and see if the project can continue.  If not, then I will be way less busy between now and Halloween lol.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
Feeling off today.
I think the depression is screaming in my head like a starship ablaze.

I am conducting experiments in moving from one reality / timeline to adjacent ones, with only minor differences. 
Schrodinger would be proud.

poisonedgrace: (Default)

i have decided that instead of trying to troubleshoot and repair wtf ever is going on with the tail / brake light situation in the Studebaker (tough to wrap ones head around the tangle they have happening), I am going to just make a whole new circuit of my own design.  It will be a better learning experience to start from scratch anyhow.  It just sucks because it's another of those things where I am going to need supplies and tools for working and learning, so who knows how long that's going to take to round up.

I  think the only actual 'tool' (in the classic sense) that I will need is maybe a wire crimper, but I can also do without one.  It's more a matter of needing wires and end terminals and sockets.  And I want a small 12 volt battery so I can test everything in the house and build the harness, instead of trying to actually work inside of the darn thing

I created a list of supplies so I will have it ready to go when I can throw money at it
I added a brake switch & a toggle switch (both different kind from what it's currently using, but I think a better fit for my ideas), a small fuse box, fuses, wire, heat shrink, the testing battery, and a charging adapter for it, and a cutting / stripping / crimping tool.

blah blah blah.

coupon skin

Oct. 2nd, 2017 08:02 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Uneventful birthday weekend.  Got some crafting done, got some good loot.  Going to have a dinner next week.  Planned it for next week, because we were supposed to do a road trip this weekend, but then Gene ended up having to work, so we will do it next month instead.  The dinner was already scheduled when we learned about him having to work, so no point in rescheduling it.  Works just as well either way.

The crafting is going well.  Not stressful this year, which is good.  I should be done with the sewing part in a day or 3.  Then I will seal and smooth parts of it with glue.  Then, I will fig out my special paint I need for it.  If the paint is still good, I can get that done.  If it's not, then the project will be completely stopped where it is for the foreseeable future.  The paint is very expensive, and I won't be able to afford more for a good while.  But that's fine, I have backup options, so no worries.  Once I can afford the paint, I will do that one another year.

I got a really good sale (50% off + an additional 25% off coupon) which was 1-day only, so I just choked down my revulsion and scraped up every penny, and bought 10 yards of a fabric I have never been able to afford, but need for the Halloween project that I had wanted to do this year, but it was financially out of my reach.  It is still out of my reach, but at least I am slowly gathering the parts.  So far, I have the stilts (all 4) and now the base layer of the skin.  The only other large expense with it will be the foam.  Anything else, should be affordable.  So, I have time to try to gather that up.  Hopefully within the next 6 or 8 months, so I have plenty of crafting time, and then I could do it next year.  

I wish I had the money to work on even half of my ideas.  Ugh.

Oh well, I don't think that I am saying anything new here anymore, so I might as well stop :P

poisonedgrace: (Default)
 Happy birthday to me.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Got one of the things paid off.
Going to make a call to my lawyers soon, and touch base on the situation, and see if that's that, or if there is any way to make an effort to get it lowered.  Then, from there, we'll see how that payment ends up.  I will have another bill paid off by like... February.  So that'll help.  Maybe I can get one of the other ones shaved down between now and then, it's not very big.  After that, I will have the one ongoing on from whatever happens with the legal mess, and one other one.  I should be able to get that other one burned through more swiftly than I have so far, once more money is free to focus towards it as these other things play out.

Of course, that's assuming no life problems.  No sickness or injury.  No vehicle troubles.  Assuming nothing goes wrong.  And you know how well that usually works.  Being poor is really expensive. 


poisonedgrace: (Default)

Nothing much to report today, it's another day in the week, with the same topics, thoughts, troubles and interests that the rest of the week has had.
The weather has been a bit better.  Cooler and darker, a bit rainy.  I wish we could have about 50 more years of it.

The world is awful, politics are awful, humans are awful, so I guess it's all working as intended.  Sadly enough.


Sep. 27th, 2017 07:08 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Trying some variations on my physical therapy, to try to make sure that my neck and spine are in better shape for Halloween.  I don't want to be in a position where I am forced to cancel everything because I am physically unable to do anything.
That would be lame.

Going to get some sewing done this evening, and going to have a nice shower and look after myself.
That seems to help.  I get distracted so easy, especially when depressed, that I forget to do simple basic things like eat and shower.  It's awful, but apparently common.

Rich people always tell us how money won't solve things, but you know what?  I am calling bullshit.  If I could afford to work on art without fear, and eat whenever and whatever I wanted, and make my own life without worrying, I think that would buy a lot less depression and struggle.

They're telling us the grapes are sour while they stuff themselves.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
Last night, I dreamed that I was living in some place, and my brother was renting a small place across the street.  He had just moved in, so I walked over there with him to have a look.  It was a lot like places we used to have to live, but beside it was this huge garage / workshop thing.  He said that he had use of it with his rental, but he wasn't going to use it for anything.  Just as I was getting excited about the possibilities, we were swarmed with a lot of kids, who apparently were the family of the landlord.  I don't remember much else.

Yesterday, someone rand the doorbell and knocked at the same time.  Never a sign of real visitors.  Without thinking, I went to the door, with no disguise.  Humans are so ridiculous.  There was a girl standing out there, wearing a safety vest.  She was probably in her early 20s.  She got a look on her face as though Jason Voorhees and Freddy Kreuger had answered the door together, engaged in mutual sodomy, while each holding a severed human head.  She asked if the home owners were available.  Because of course, that couldn't possibly be me.  I didn't want to deal with her any more than she wanted to deal with me, so I said "no".  She was inching back the entire time, and stammered something about sending someone back at a later time, and then took off.  So who knows what she was selling.  I mean if the Mad Max style post-apocalyptic monster vehicle in the driveway didn't give her some clue that she may not be greeted with Normal Suburbia, then I sure don't know what to tell her.  It was sort of a Rick Sanchez moment for me.  Fuck humans.

Been doing some good sewing and crafting.  I have a costume coming along well at this point.  I have not checked to see if my paint/sealer is intact though.  I will wait until it is fully sewn and glued first.  If I am out of sealer, or if it's gone bad, that will be the end of the crafting for this year, because that shit is 80 dollars a can, and I can not afford another one any time soon.  But it's ok, it will get done up to that point, at the very least.  And I have a backup I can use if that's the case.  Then, someday, I can buy a new can, as needed, and finish it up.  Hopefully the one I have from a few years ago is still good though. *fingers crossed*

Everything else is relatively business as usual.  Varying degrees of bitterness, but life is a work in progress, right?

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