Mar. 13th, 2017

poisonedgrace: (Default)
Bad dream last night. I know I had other dreams, but this is the only one that sticks. I was in a car with my brothers and my sister. It was (as dreams sometimes do) one of those things where everyone was of indeterminate and shifting age. we were all both kids, and adults. Sort of all at the same time. We were in that crappy old silver and black Bronco or whatever it was that my dad had back in the early 90s. He was driving along, and then just stopped at a stop sign, a block off a main road, at the top of a hill, in the dream version of the town we used to live in. He got out of the car, and said 'Stay here.' then walked away.

We waited for him for hours. We were all piled in there, bored and really hungry. We opened the back hatch for some air, after a while. Looking out across the town from up on the hill, we could see for a long distance. a few miles away, a giant monster (Godzilla style, but it was not G.), was destroying the city. The radio was playing the Giant Monster Destruction Forecast, so we knew that the wreckage was not expected to come our direction. We watched for quite a while, as the flames grew, and the buildings fell. The monster flailing and roaring. After a while, traffic started to pick up, and the vehicle, just sitting in the middle of the street, 15 feet from a stop sign / intersection was getting in the way. It had been hours, and clearly pops wasn't coming back any time soon. We talked about it for a bit, and decided to move the car into the parking lot to our left, and behind us, at the bottom of the hill.

My little brother drove it over, and we parked it out of the way. It was like a Wendy's or something. The next part of the dream picked up hours later. So many hours after he had abandoned us. We were back at some place where he lived. I don't know if we all lived there together, or if it was just him. I don't know if we drove his car there, or walked, or got a ride or what. It had been over 6 hours since he bailed out of the car and left us in the middle of the road though, I do know that.

The place was sort of a cross between a shack and a garage. A junkie's junky mess. He was, of course, drunk beyond normal human capacity for drunk and still not passed out. He was in a rage at us because we had not stayed put where he told us. That's what he always wanted, dumb obedient animals who would do exactly as ordered, no matter how fucked up the situation, even if it would result in death. He used to tell us stories of horses that would run till they died, or walk right off of a cliff without hesitation, if commanded. Stories of dogs who would 'sit' until they starved to death, unflinching, or who would 'stay' even if the house was on fire, stoically receiving their deaths, with grateful hearts that their master had commanded them to roast their flesh off. He would tell these as though they were 'virtue stories' and we all needed to take the lesson to heart, and stop being such horrible disobedient children who dared to have a survival instinct. But that's a real world tangent, which is only relevant to the dream to frame the situation.

At any rate, he was in a rage that we didn't stay put. In the car. For over 6 hours. While he wandered home and got fucked up beyond mortal limits. He did his usual round of hateful accusations, self pity, threats and rages. Of course after enough of that, we dared to get mouthy by telling him how long we had been sitting there, and daring to question his absolute rule by asking what, exactly he expected, and if we should have sat there for the rest of our lives.

Of course that stepped the rage up, and he climbed drunkenly to his feet. He got that look in his eye, the one he always had right before he was about to do you some physical violence. I remember it well. I guess if you go through enough physical abuse in life, you never really ever fully get over it. It's sad that I am still having dreams like this so many years after I stopped him from victimizing me (or any of the rest of us) any more. I remember that look, and him coming at me, and then
I woke myself up fighting in the bed, and yelling out. Hell of a night.

The weekend was quiet and easy. I started feeling a bit better by Sunday, but then when I got up this morning, I wasn't. Idk if the bad dream made me sleep tense or what, but the back/neck/shoulder/whatever pain seems worse today than yesterday.

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