Mar. 7th, 2017

poisonedgrace: (Default)
I took off work yesterday to get some stuff done, so there was no update. I know that I had dreams pretty much every night, but I don't remember enough of anything to quantify any of it.

This other stuff..
I am just about at the end of my rope with it. It's been making me into someone that I do not want to be lately. Someone that I used to be a long time ago when I was totally defeated and low.
it was bad this weekend. If it gets that bad again, I am going to have to end it.
I keep trying to be patient and understanding and forgiving. And I sympathize, I really do. But there's a point where you have to put a stop to the bullshit, understanding and patience or not.
A point where you give and give until you have no ground left to concede, and you find yourself cornered. I have spent time recently being cornered. Just like I was many years ago, and I'm not going to live there again. It's no life. No way to exist.
I have come too far in my own life and with my own shit to move back in time to some place that I got past and didn't want to go back to over 20 years ago. I didn't struggle past it, only to be trapped repeating it. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than repeat it. Because if life has taught me anything, it's that even if you go through it, you will end up being abandoned anyhow, or in unrecognizable waters. So the effort is genuinely for nothing. So, never again.

Aside from that, it's just the same same same.

I spent the weekend getting my car cleaned up. It was awful. I vacuumed and cleaned, and visited the car wash, and then had the maintenance done, etc etc. It was a lot of work, but it feels good to have it 'livable' again. I need to make sure that it doesn't build up into so much work again any time soon. "A stitch in time saves nine" and all that. I guess I could say that about most all of my projects and living spaces, etc etc etc. I am like a poor man's mad scientist.

Dealing with some aches and pains and stiffness (I hurt my neck a bit this weekend), and as soon as that irons out, and I have my range of movement back (and less pain), I plan to get back to work on my organizing project.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
"the more stress a diamond is under, the greater it shines"

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