poisonedgrace: (Default)

“Compassion hurts.  When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything.  And you cannot turn away.  Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others.  You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it.  You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.” ~ Andrew Boyd



This is something that I struggle with on the regular.

Most of the time I just feel crushed, and neither strong enough nor empty enough.
And my head somehow always equates 'empty' with 'bad' so it's an instinct to try to avoid it.

I dunno.  I guess lately, I've been just trying hard to watch lots of cartoons and not think about it too much.
Escapism ftw.

At least I'm not drinking myself to death like my Dad.  Can one Cartoon one's self to death?
poisonedgrace: (Default)
“Because we don't know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really...How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.”


Everything is limited.
I know this.
I just need to remember (better) to keep it closer to the forefront of my mind.
I want to love the life that I have left.
I don't want to walk in fear or aversion.
I want to enjoy and bask in my time.
I want to love and be loved.
Emotionally and physically.
I want to create and dream and hope.
I want to mold my life into something beautiful.
I do not want to hide in the confines of misery.
I want to remember this, and keep it closer to my heart and mind at all times.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
"I have written impossible math."
poisonedgrace: (Default)
"I have written impossible math."

wisdom.

Mar. 26th, 2009 10:29 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)

Note to self:

"There's no point in having a life if I'm not living it."

This line is well worth remembering.
I am lucky to have some really wise friends.

wisdom.

Mar. 26th, 2009 10:29 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)

Note to self:

"There's no point in having a life if I'm not living it."

This line is well worth remembering.
I am lucky to have some really wise friends.
poisonedgrace: (wild things)

I don't know what it is about me lately...
but I've realized how sad it is that I don't even care.
I've written off most of the human race.

It's becoming as hard as having faith in their god.

I don't have the right words lately.  They come out sometimes, but a word or two off.  That might seem like a small thing, but...  Two words can be enough to change a person's life (it never takes more than three).

My tolerance levels have peaked.

I'm considering scheduling my surgery sooner, rather than later.  Out of spite, vengence and self persecution more than anything.  An excoriation.  A way to hermit myself a little.  Physical misery for sobering clarity?  I would have done it already, but frankly...  I loathe the idea of having to take pain killers.  I hate medication with a passion.  The idea of poisoning myself daily makes it hard to go into this under the idea of 'getting well' and having a 'healthy future'.  Maybe if I raise the black flag and go into it under the notion of destruction, however...

"I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species.  I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all those French beaches I'd never see.  I wanted to breathe smoke.  I wanted to destroy something beautiful."

Sometimes I'm living in a beautiful void.  The colours are wonderful, but being the only one who sees them can be a lonely experience.  My soul sings with distant lands and the creaking of wooden ships.  The tops of trees skimming past as the wind waves an ocean of leaves.  Emerald as far as the eye can see.

___

Echo echo echo...
Our hearts are beating to the same songs but in different languages and worlds apart, full of never-never again.

poisonedgrace: (wild things)

I don't know what it is about me lately...
but I've realized how sad it is that I don't even care.
I've written off most of the human race.

It's becoming as hard as having faith in their god.

I don't have the right words lately.  They come out sometimes, but a word or two off.  That might seem like a small thing, but...  Two words can be enough to change a person's life (it never takes more than three).

My tolerance levels have peaked.

I'm considering scheduling my surgery sooner, rather than later.  Out of spite, vengence and self persecution more than anything.  An excoriation.  A way to hermit myself a little.  Physical misery for sobering clarity?  I would have done it already, but frankly...  I loathe the idea of having to take pain killers.  I hate medication with a passion.  The idea of poisoning myself daily makes it hard to go into this under the idea of 'getting well' and having a 'healthy future'.  Maybe if I raise the black flag and go into it under the notion of destruction, however...

"I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species.  I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all those French beaches I'd never see.  I wanted to breathe smoke.  I wanted to destroy something beautiful."

Sometimes I'm living in a beautiful void.  The colours are wonderful, but being the only one who sees them can be a lonely experience.  My soul sings with distant lands and the creaking of wooden ships.  The tops of trees skimming past as the wind waves an ocean of leaves.  Emerald as far as the eye can see.

___

Echo echo echo...
Our hearts are beating to the same songs but in different languages and worlds apart, full of never-never again.

poisonedgrace: (lucy)
"You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?"

I've got Tír na nÓg screaming in my head so loudly today that I might just fade across the border myself, and damn The Mission.  It's raining somewhere, and I'm not where I should be.  I remember the old lighthouse by the sea.  I remember your... for lack of anything else to call it... your Alchemy lab.  I remember how you cried and trembled in fear, but your only crime was love.  I promised you it would be OK, that She would understand because She's famous for the same thing, and I would protect you from Her wrath.  The World trembled as the very fabric of reality came asunder, and She came, my Queen of Air and Darkness.  I saw my true self for the second time in my life that night.  But this is only a fragment to remind myelf to write about this for real some day.  Thus far, it's proven far too difficult, but it deserves special attention as it was a Dream with a large D. 


My song of choice today:
"Mary and the Storm" by Blitzkid

I dunno where you can hear it other than myspace (not on youtube in any decent format) but it'll play if you go to my profile until it's removed (Act now!  Limited time offer!  Free to the first 100 callers!).

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=2591860

It's just filled with so much... longing? somehow.  Or maybe I am and it just taps into me.
Check it out.  Lyrics so you can sing along.

"Come Mary, come and watch the storm.

Mother's fears are tired sleepers
beyond her silent windowsill.

Father's peering eyes now fade with weight.
We'll run like silent phantoms
Free until the dawn.

We're entwined in midnight's embrace.

Your house, a purple prison
so far away.
I'll hide our game in the treetops
and sleeping phantoms we will chase.


Come Mary, come and watch the storm.

Mother's candle has exhausted
She's dreaming of your birth.

Father's clever watch is laid to sleep.
Downstairs I wait for you
beyond the boards that creak.

We're entwined in midnight's embrace.

Your house, a purple ruin
so far away.
I'll hide our game in the treetops
and sleeping phantoms we will chase.

Mother's will is far away.
Father's fists are far away.
We set the horses loose tonite.
Unbridled freedom, Blessed night.

Unbidled Freedom
Blessed night.

Come Mary, come and watch the storm
with me
tonite."



Happy Holiday of your choice.
Be good to one another.
<3
poisonedgrace: (lucy)
"You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?"

I've got Tír na nÓg screaming in my head so loudly today that I might just fade across the border myself, and damn The Mission.  It's raining somewhere, and I'm not where I should be.  I remember the old lighthouse by the sea.  I remember your... for lack of anything else to call it... your Alchemy lab.  I remember how you cried and trembled in fear, but your only crime was love.  I promised you it would be OK, that She would understand because She's famous for the same thing, and I would protect you from Her wrath.  The World trembled as the very fabric of reality came asunder, and She came, my Queen of Air and Darkness.  I saw my true self for the second time in my life that night.  But this is only a fragment to remind myelf to write about this for real some day.  Thus far, it's proven far too difficult, but it deserves special attention as it was a Dream with a large D. 


My song of choice today:
"Mary and the Storm" by Blitzkid

I dunno where you can hear it other than myspace (not on youtube in any decent format) but it'll play if you go to my profile until it's removed (Act now!  Limited time offer!  Free to the first 100 callers!).

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=2591860

It's just filled with so much... longing? somehow.  Or maybe I am and it just taps into me.
Check it out.  Lyrics so you can sing along.

"Come Mary, come and watch the storm.

Mother's fears are tired sleepers
beyond her silent windowsill.

Father's peering eyes now fade with weight.
We'll run like silent phantoms
Free until the dawn.

We're entwined in midnight's embrace.

Your house, a purple prison
so far away.
I'll hide our game in the treetops
and sleeping phantoms we will chase.


Come Mary, come and watch the storm.

Mother's candle has exhausted
She's dreaming of your birth.

Father's clever watch is laid to sleep.
Downstairs I wait for you
beyond the boards that creak.

We're entwined in midnight's embrace.

Your house, a purple ruin
so far away.
I'll hide our game in the treetops
and sleeping phantoms we will chase.

Mother's will is far away.
Father's fists are far away.
We set the horses loose tonite.
Unbridled freedom, Blessed night.

Unbidled Freedom
Blessed night.

Come Mary, come and watch the storm
with me
tonite."



Happy Holiday of your choice.
Be good to one another.
<3
poisonedgrace: (purple and teal)
"We live, as we dream - alone."

 
"See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences? "


"When the routine bites hard
and ambitions are low
And the resentment rides high
but emotions won't grow
And we're changing our ways,
taking different roads

Why is the bedroom so cold
Turned away on your side?
Is my timing that flawed,
our respect run so dry?
Yet there's still this appeal
That we've kept through
our lives


Do you cry out in your sleep
All my failings expose?
Get a taste in my mouth
As desperation takes hold
Is it something so good
Just can't function no more?"



"Everybody in this family needs to just calm down and eat some fruit or something."

poisonedgrace: (purple and teal)
"We live, as we dream - alone."

 
"See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences? "


"When the routine bites hard
and ambitions are low
And the resentment rides high
but emotions won't grow
And we're changing our ways,
taking different roads

Why is the bedroom so cold
Turned away on your side?
Is my timing that flawed,
our respect run so dry?
Yet there's still this appeal
That we've kept through
our lives


Do you cry out in your sleep
All my failings expose?
Get a taste in my mouth
As desperation takes hold
Is it something so good
Just can't function no more?"



"Everybody in this family needs to just calm down and eat some fruit or something."

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