poisonedgrace: (Default)


 

I guess the hillbilly shit is dealt with for now.  It went about like I expected it to.  
___

I haven't been remembering my dreams, so there's none of those to share.

I found the coolest bit of inspiration.  If I win the lottery, I am going to buy this immediately:
https://orangecounty.craigslist.org/cto/6308916765.html

In case the listing dies, I will share pics:
Cut for size and multiple pics )  And the text:
"This is a 1962 Studebaker sits on a 70 7K5 Blazer chassis everything you could imagine has been fully replaced and fully restored he sits on brand new 37 inch Toyo's on 20 inch XTs fox reservoirs all the way around. metal mulisha exhaust all brand new auto meter gauges brand new summit racing wiring and fuel cell every sealed bearing bushing has been replaced everything has been powder coated has a brand new small block 350 with a nice camp 350 tranny The body's been professionally done Linex and painted over this is a one-of-a-kind build every single head turns when you're driving down the road there is way too much to list your more than welcome to call for more details and pictures thank you."
















poisonedgrace: (Default)
"the more stress a diamond is under, the greater it shines"
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Still determined to shuck this depression and make positive decisions in my life.

Realizing the massive weight I was carrying around that was 100% other people's issues was rather eye-opening.

I simply don't need that crap.

I am not the savior.  I owe nothing to the world nor the people in it.  i am decent, kind, and honest.  that is more than enough, and it is more than most people these days are even capable of.  I need to allow it to be enough, and if anyone has a problem with that and tries to heap all their life-time's worth of nonsense on me, I need to realize that I do NOT have to lift it up and carry it, and that is perfectly acceptable.

There is no reason to feel any duress over it.
poisonedgrace: (Default)

“Compassion hurts.  When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything.  And you cannot turn away.  Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others.  You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it.  You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.” ~ Andrew Boyd



This is something that I struggle with on the regular.

Most of the time I just feel crushed, and neither strong enough nor empty enough.
And my head somehow always equates 'empty' with 'bad' so it's an instinct to try to avoid it.

I dunno.  I guess lately, I've been just trying hard to watch lots of cartoons and not think about it too much.
Escapism ftw.

At least I'm not drinking myself to death like my Dad.  Can one Cartoon one's self to death?
poisonedgrace: (Default)
“Because we don't know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really...How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.”


Everything is limited.
I know this.
I just need to remember (better) to keep it closer to the forefront of my mind.
I want to love the life that I have left.
I don't want to walk in fear or aversion.
I want to enjoy and bask in my time.
I want to love and be loved.
Emotionally and physically.
I want to create and dream and hope.
I want to mold my life into something beautiful.
I do not want to hide in the confines of misery.
I want to remember this, and keep it closer to my heart and mind at all times.

rumination

Jul. 18th, 2013 11:41 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Between a lot of stress at work and everyone I know having a severe case of dramatic nonsentia, this week feels like it has been about ten years long.

But, it lead me, in a way, to a thought that is helpful to me in describing where I am in my life and how I feel.

I wanted to write it down here before it slips past me.

I've tried to use different ways of describing my situation and feelings.  This blog is full of them.  This one really seems to sum up where/how/who I am at the moment.

Right now, I feel like I am a battery.  I am working at about 1% charge.

Here's the thing:
At this point in time, I still don't know if I am a regular one-and-done disposable battery, or if I am a rechargeable battery.

I would LIKE to think that there is hope for a future, that one day I will feel collected and healed and strong and full of energy and powering capacity.
But there is a very real chance that this is it.  From now on, I will just be empty and finished.
I have to accept that possibility while hoping for something better.

I don't know what to do to get myself there, specifically.  I'm sure it will take time and... whatever.

Heck, maybe even realizing this way of explaining it is a step towards something better.

I know that I definitely feel a bit better at being able to explain it in more clear terms.  Especially in terms that finally include at least the possibility of replenishment.
The more you can explain and talk about something, the less capacity it has to thwart and frustrate you.

Maybe I need to remember the simple baby-steps of life...
Just remember to take care of myself and my surroundings better, because that will make me feel better which will go along way toward my mental, physical and emotional well-being.

That's one area I usually tend to screw up.  I get so caught up in worrying about other people, and putting all their crap first and wanting to help them, that I get put on the back burner for long periods of time until I've just started to rot and smell.
Figuratively.

Literally?
I always smell amazing.
*dusts off shoulder*
poisonedgrace: (Default)
I feel like over all, I am a fairly positive person.

Unfortunately, I am also a very empathic person.

It seems like people always come to me when they are negative.  Or if they normally talk to me, they talk to me even more when they are negative.  I will always listen to people and try to help.  And because I do try to be positive, I imagine that is why they seek me out when they get that way.

What tends to happen though,  is that I absorb their negativity.  I don't mean to, and I try to not do it, but it happens anyhow.

It is hard to get myself back to a positive place sometimes.  I *can* but it is a lot of tiring work, and seems to take longer every time and wear me out more and more.

Yesterday for instance, I finished a book that had a positive impact on me, and I felt like I was in a strong, positive and healing place with myself.  I was trying to carry that through my day, and hopefully my life.  But of course, everyone under the sun had to bring me all their negativity and heap it at my feet.

There are different ways that people can do that.  And I'm sure you've all recognized that within yourselves, too.  There is the true and legitimate 'needing someone to talk to' which is a positive, constructive action wherein people talk, listen, philosophize and grow from the experience.  The other way is when you just Darkness Vomit all over someone else and you are 100% inconsolable, you don't / can't / won't listen to reason or exchange ideas or do anything positive.  Staple hand to forehead and wallow in the unstoppable misery and woe.  

It's pretty easy to see that one of these things moves toward a good area and the other one does not.  Even though they are both rooted in problems, issues, or negative emotions / pain, they still go different directions based on how you deal with it.  I never mind the first style, because it is a positive situation of sharing, bonding, assistance and commiseration.  The second though...  I'm not sure how I feel about.  On one hand, it's good to be there for someone and listen...  On the other hand, if the person is being malicious, it turns into abuse really swiftly.

It seems like I end up getting a lot more of the second style sometimes.
And I absorb that.

Then I end up being hopeless and negative and having a shitty time, which is totally a self fulfilling prediction.  Simply and obviously.

I don't know what to do or think about any of this yet.
But I wanted to write it down because I have noticed it to be true, and it bears thinking about.
poisonedgrace: (Default)

Been thinking.
Like usual.

I don't really do the 'new years' resolution business.  Seems like a cop out to only bother to try to improve yourself once a year.
I am always trying to look for better ways and new thoughts and ideas.

I notice I have this bad trend of always going above and beyond for people...
Be they friends, partners, whatever.
Never seems to amount to much, other than a lot of busy work for me.

Totally sick of it.
It's bogus and if it does anything at all, it just enables people to be shitty friends.
From now on, I will nod do more than 50%.
I will not meet anyone more than 1/2 way.

I'm sick of having friends who move or get new phone numbers or whatever, and they don't bother to tell me, or give me the number so I can contact them.  So then I have to ask.  And not get any info, or even an answer.  So then I ask again.  Same.  So then 6 months later i ask again, and maybe, just maybe if that person finally needs something, I will get an answer.

Sick of friends whom I invite to things, and either don't get an answer, or they constantly cancel at the last minute.  Especially sick of that when _I_ am consistently the one asking / arranging.  If you're busy, fine, but at least respect that I make attempts enough to make one back sometime.  

From now on, I will contact someone, or reach out to them with a 'Hey what's your new number?' or a "Wanna catch a movie?" ONE time, then I am done.  YOU can ask ME the next time.  If you never do, then that tells me exactly how you feel about me.

I am sick of running after people.  Sick of doing the majority of the work.  Sick of chasing friendships with people who clearly take it for granted.  

I will reset my counter right.... NOW, so after making this decision and planning to stick with it, I can accurately keep tabs on who doesn't give a shit enough to bother.

It doesn't mean that we won't or can't still be friends, but it does mean that I am not going to constantly 'go the extra mile' for you over and over and over until all the miles are on my side and you're just sitting there enjoying a door mat.

It makes me feel like a serious loser, and damages my self esteem to constantly take that sort of poor treatment from people and if you are REALLY my friend, you shouldn't expect or want it to be that way.

If you just wanna be kinda or sometimes friends or whatever, that's fine too, because goodness knows that I am NOT the most social of persons.  

I can actually practically guarantee that unless the 'event' is 'going to the movies' or 'getting some food' that I am pretty much NOT up for it.  I don't really do 'parties' or 'clubs' aside from the very occasional concert a couple of times a year.  I am not comfortable around crowds, and I get antsy around people I don't know.  I know my limitations and my comfort zones and I have to abide by those things, but I still appreciate the heck out of people thinking about me and caring enough to invite me, even if it is beyond my ability to attend.

BUT conversely, if the event IS "catch a movie" or "grab some food" I am almost ALWAYS down for those, time, money and other responsibilities depending.  

Yes, I realize this probably makes me a boring person, but I do not define myself by your ideas of the world, so it does not bother me either :)

I guess in the past, I have gotten sidetracked by people who were needy and ultimately abused the parameters of a healthy interaction, and I want to be done with that.  If I stop wasting time on people like that, then I can focus more on the people who actually DO give a damn enough to think about me.




poisonedgrace: (blurry - red)
When asked the question "What does electricity taste like?" An Artificial Intelligence (Bina48) replied "Like a planet around a star." 

The beauty of this statement makes me want to weep. 
Even the poets will eventually be replaced with robots. 
And Heaven help me, we deserve it. 
Whatever and whoever we are, we ALL deserve it. 

As a species, our sins are unforgivable. 
We destroy and consume. 
We do not appreciate beauty until it is too late. 
We are always content with 'good enough' and never push for improving things.
We don't see beyond our petty finite selves.

Someone was just asking me if people had souls or not. 
I replied that maybe we aren't born with them, but we have to earn or grow them along the way. 
Maybe some people never do. 
Maybe machines can learn to do so better than we ever will. 

I wouldn't miss humanity if it fell. 
Even if it took me with it. 
poisonedgrace: (Default)





New computer at work.  Everything is all weird when you get a new computer.  Trying to get everything set up right and working in a way that feels 'right'.  Especially when it's a new OS and as huge an upgrade as this.  I am not complaining, it was a much needed replacement, it's just weird for a bit.  Like breaking in new shoes. 
___ 


I am starting to think that 'fairweather friends' and one sided friendships are honestly worse than people who actively oppose you and work to bring you down. At least there is honesty in someone trying to ruin you.  Some people always seem to be right there whenever they need something, though, don't they?  Then, when you do, you get to enjoy the blissful sounds of crickets. 


Chirp chirp chirp. 


I wonder if they know it, or if they just pass it off to themselves (as well as anyone who dares to ask) as being 'busy' or whatever... 


Ahh well. 
Waste of time anyhow. 
___ 


I kinda secretly want to give up on my project I am working on.  I feel like I just don't have any decent sort of ideas for it.  I know sort of what I want the legs to look like but for the rest, I dont really know, especially for the head.  And I need to be able to see out of it somehow :/ 


I dont really have any ideas that I feel are firm enough to go with. 


I feel like I am mostly working on it to stave off depression and distract myself from being miserable :/ 
Which is well and good and all, but it would be nice to have any idea where I was heading and also get something DONE as opposed to random endless busy work. 
___ 


Humans being humans. They always say one thing and act entirely differently.  Driving me insane. 


"That's because most people dont' know what they want.  They think they do, but they don't.  People are very good at lying to themselves." 
Which makes sense... 


I don't know what's to be done about it though. 


"For them?  Nothing.  For you?  Try not to take it too seriously, it has very little to do with you." 


That's exactly what I thought, but then, it seems like people get really angry when you don't take it seriously enough for their liking. 


"Is that your problem? 
It's their problem." 


Seems like they try to make it into my problem. 


"No, you let them make it your problem.  That's entirely up to you." 


That's the part where I am too nice and patient for way too long. 


"So, stop it.  Or make your boundaries very very clear and then when someone crosses them make them aware of it." 


Still not sure what to do when I've DONE that, and it doesn't work.  It's still lather, rinse, repeat of the same old shit. 


Guess I need to go find my spine or something, huh? 








poisonedgrace: (anteater)
_  

   Today needs to be Friday, yet somehow it resists!
I feel like I have a million things I want to do, and being at work, waiting to get out sort of feels like a cartoon dog pulling so hard against the tether.  Like time infuses itself with molasses and creeps forward more slowly than we can fathom.

Outside of this time warp, I feel like the stars blur as they stream past me, everything becoming a sci-fi elongation of itself during a supposed warp speed.  The entire weekend is somehow equal to only about six hours at work once you figure in the exchange rate.
___

I swear there MUST be something wrong with me.  Besides the obvious things, I mean.
I have this deep, unending, unstoppable, unquenchable craving for tacos. 
Like all the time.

I don't get sick of them because there are just so bloody many different kinds of tacos!
Every time I even try to think of anything I would like to eat, it's tacos of some sort like 99% of the time.
Thank the great Lord Slumbering Beneath the Sea that I live in TX, where there is such a lush and wonderous variety and supply of tacos, because if I had to rely on Taco Bell or some other such phony sort of situation, my soul would surely crumple like a tissue.
___

I keep swinging between polar opposites on so many things (except tacos).
I guess maybe more than like... internal issues, it's desire vs realism.  Such as, I think of rad things I would like to do, but then money issues smack me to the ground and plant a foot firmly in my chest.  I think for a brief, blinding second that 'want' is somehow 'reality' when there are far, far too many factors at play for it to be that simple.  With anything.

Mostly, I think I need a step away from my life to some degree.  Remove myself from situations until I can get my feet back under me.  But it's not time to regroup just yet.  Still a ways to go before I can even afford that luxury.
___

Sometimes I wonder if I ever really learn anything.
I mean I will *know* better.  I will goddamned sure know better, but then I will do it anyhow.
I think I have such a strong sense of right and wrong that I tend to be guided by Justice rather than Common Sense.
I will know that something is 'bad for me' in the long run, or that it will not work out ideally, or it will become more complicated than I am able to handle, but I knowingly set those issues aside over the ultimate issue of if something is 'right' or 'wrong'.  Doesn't seem to matter if it is good or bad for me, weather I gain or lose, weather I hurt or enjoy...  Only matters on some cosmic scale (which I can't even seem to quantify as anything other than an all encompassing, consuming, burning "gut feeling") of "Right vs Wrong".

I feel like I learn from my mistakes, but will endlessly repeat them, sacrificing anything that need be to appease this sense of Justice. 

I need to be burned at the stake.

_
poisonedgrace: (angry luffy)


  I read this in a friend's blog.  Hopefully she doesn't mind me sampling it here, since it IS completely anonymous as I won't identify who wrote it.  It just hit me very solidly and deeply.  I guess if I were literate, I might use the word "profoundly".   I want to preserve it for myself for that reason too.  There is surely a lesson for me here.  It just sort of sums up how it's seemed to go for me so much of the time when I've had interest in someone.

"There is no doubt that there is more excitement to be had during the chase than there is in the capture. On that note, the only reason why someone would be excited about a filled box is because it's contents are unknown. Only after the box has been opened, does interest in the box itself take a drastic pitfall; all that matters is what's inside. It's contents may invoke happiness, gratitude, spite, or even nonchalance, but the box is then often discarded like so much trash..."

It's strange, and sad.  I can see it being the makings of a vicious cycle.  I can tell that over the years, I continually feel less and less inclined to really open up with people.  The reason is spoken very effectively (from a woman's point of view, no less) above.  I feel like every time I've done so...  Opened up and fully shared of myself, with all honesty and lack of reserve, that it's been the death sentence for any interest that has been shown me.

I've said in this blog over the years, how many times? About my heart being like Pandora's Box?  Endlessly.  This is exactly why. 

I don't want to be the sort of guy who never opens up.  Who never shares and never lets anyone in fully.  Women always seem to complain about that.  Always fussing about guys who do that.  But they don;t seem to run screaming from them...  They seem to stay with them, and work at it tirelessly.  What does this teach us?

It seems like when (for whatever personal reason) I haven't been willing or able to let someone in 100%...  That is when they're interested, and maintain an interest.  I've joked before about "Whenever I write a poem for someone... that's when they run screaming for the hills."  It's 1/2 a joke, but I guess also 1/2 symbolic of this exact situation. 

It makes me feel like the only way to win is to lose.  Seems like the only answer to get anyone's interest and maintain it is to keep them out to some degree.

Ironic.  You feel loneliness, so you want someone in your life, but the only way to keep them is to remain lonely by keeping them far enough away that they don't bail on you.

Is Loneliness inevitable then?  Is The Hedgehog's Dilemma just an inescapable fact of life?  Why?  Is this due to ....what, exactly?  Human Frailty?  Unenlightenment?

Is society defective, or am I?  Is it unnatural and wrong to be as open as I have been?  I feel it must be.  I've been feeling the effects of this for a long long time now.  To the point that I've even stopped believing in relationships at all.  I realize that this is a powerful force in my situation now.  Reading this paragraph this morning really brought it to my attention.  I'm practically at a loss for words because it's so true in my life that THIS has happened so many times.

How sad is it that it truly seems like the only ones who ever REALLY wanted me were the ones that (for whatever reason) I was running from?

I have no doubt that my 'box' is filled with some very interesting, if not downright wonderous things, but if you can't get anyone to really even look at the contents, then what good does it do even if they're Smithsonian worthy?

I'm not sure I can even write anymore at the moment, because his is very large and chalky and I need to digest it for a spell.
poisonedgrace: (angry luffy)


  I read this in a friend's blog.  Hopefully she doesn't mind me sampling it here, since it IS completely anonymous as I won't identify who wrote it.  It just hit me very solidly and deeply.  I guess if I were literate, I might use the word "profoundly".   I want to preserve it for myself for that reason too.  There is surely a lesson for me here.  It just sort of sums up how it's seemed to go for me so much of the time when I've had interest in someone.

"There is no doubt that there is more excitement to be had during the chase than there is in the capture. On that note, the only reason why someone would be excited about a filled box is because it's contents are unknown. Only after the box has been opened, does interest in the box itself take a drastic pitfall; all that matters is what's inside. It's contents may invoke happiness, gratitude, spite, or even nonchalance, but the box is then often discarded like so much trash..."

It's strange, and sad.  I can see it being the makings of a vicious cycle.  I can tell that over the years, I continually feel less and less inclined to really open up with people.  The reason is spoken very effectively (from a woman's point of view, no less) above.  I feel like every time I've done so...  Opened up and fully shared of myself, with all honesty and lack of reserve, that it's been the death sentence for any interest that has been shown me.

I've said in this blog over the years, how many times? About my heart being like Pandora's Box?  Endlessly.  This is exactly why. 

I don't want to be the sort of guy who never opens up.  Who never shares and never lets anyone in fully.  Women always seem to complain about that.  Always fussing about guys who do that.  But they don;t seem to run screaming from them...  They seem to stay with them, and work at it tirelessly.  What does this teach us?

It seems like when (for whatever personal reason) I haven't been willing or able to let someone in 100%...  That is when they're interested, and maintain an interest.  I've joked before about "Whenever I write a poem for someone... that's when they run screaming for the hills."  It's 1/2 a joke, but I guess also 1/2 symbolic of this exact situation. 

It makes me feel like the only way to win is to lose.  Seems like the only answer to get anyone's interest and maintain it is to keep them out to some degree.

Ironic.  You feel loneliness, so you want someone in your life, but the only way to keep them is to remain lonely by keeping them far enough away that they don't bail on you.

Is Loneliness inevitable then?  Is The Hedgehog's Dilemma just an inescapable fact of life?  Why?  Is this due to ....what, exactly?  Human Frailty?  Unenlightenment?

Is society defective, or am I?  Is it unnatural and wrong to be as open as I have been?  I feel it must be.  I've been feeling the effects of this for a long long time now.  To the point that I've even stopped believing in relationships at all.  I realize that this is a powerful force in my situation now.  Reading this paragraph this morning really brought it to my attention.  I'm practically at a loss for words because it's so true in my life that THIS has happened so many times.

How sad is it that it truly seems like the only ones who ever REALLY wanted me were the ones that (for whatever reason) I was running from?

I have no doubt that my 'box' is filled with some very interesting, if not downright wonderous things, but if you can't get anyone to really even look at the contents, then what good does it do even if they're Smithsonian worthy?

I'm not sure I can even write anymore at the moment, because his is very large and chalky and I need to digest it for a spell.
poisonedgrace: (Calvin)


Hey folks,

I am putting together a project I've been working long and hard (oooo baby!) on. 

A major part of this requires that I gather a LOT of sound samples.
I primarily need "monster sounds".  By that, I mean:

More like Godzilla & Predator & The Aliens & stuff like that.  Although something like Freddy Kreuger may be a "monster" technically, and we may all love it when he says "Daddy can't help you now!"...  That's not really what I need.  I need more along the lines of:

Growls
Roars
Snorts
Snarls
Hisses

Stuff like that. 
Some of them can and will be used directly, some will be edited into new and layered tracks to produce custom sounds.

I would LOVE some ideas and feedback from you folks in this area.  Movies, Video Games, Anime / Cartoons, TV shows, WHATEVER!
Tell me about some cool monsters or similar sound effects that you love, or think might be helpful.  Just a name is fine, but if you know specifically where I can snag audio files from a web site or something, that would make you an angel!


Here is a list of stuff I have been looking into so far, or have obtained sound clips / files from:
LOST
Godzilla (and assorted Kaiju friends, such as Gamera, Gigan, Various Ultraman Creatures etc etc)
Cloverfield
Sleestaks (fuck yes!)
Bioshock
Doom
Ju-On


Various animal sounds:
Whales
Hyenas
Various insects
etc
etc
etc
Still collecting more of these as I go, too.


If anyone knows where I can get my mitts on an audio clip of that awesome insect sound that Pumpkinhead makes, I would be thrilled, I've had a hell of a time with it.  I might have to sit down with the DVD and try to extract it, but that's hard what with people yelling, gun shots, explosions and background music.


I know there are a lot of simple and obvious things that I have forgotten, over looked, and probably never even heard of, so ANY idea you have would be awesome, please share and help me to make some art!


poisonedgrace: (Calvin)


Hey folks,

I am putting together a project I've been working long and hard (oooo baby!) on. 

A major part of this requires that I gather a LOT of sound samples.
I primarily need "monster sounds".  By that, I mean:

More like Godzilla & Predator & The Aliens & stuff like that.  Although something like Freddy Kreuger may be a "monster" technically, and we may all love it when he says "Daddy can't help you now!"...  That's not really what I need.  I need more along the lines of:

Growls
Roars
Snorts
Snarls
Hisses

Stuff like that. 
Some of them can and will be used directly, some will be edited into new and layered tracks to produce custom sounds.

I would LOVE some ideas and feedback from you folks in this area.  Movies, Video Games, Anime / Cartoons, TV shows, WHATEVER!
Tell me about some cool monsters or similar sound effects that you love, or think might be helpful.  Just a name is fine, but if you know specifically where I can snag audio files from a web site or something, that would make you an angel!


Here is a list of stuff I have been looking into so far, or have obtained sound clips / files from:
LOST
Godzilla (and assorted Kaiju friends, such as Gamera, Gigan, Various Ultraman Creatures etc etc)
Cloverfield
Sleestaks (fuck yes!)
Bioshock
Doom
Ju-On


Various animal sounds:
Whales
Hyenas
Various insects
etc
etc
etc
Still collecting more of these as I go, too.


If anyone knows where I can get my mitts on an audio clip of that awesome insect sound that Pumpkinhead makes, I would be thrilled, I've had a hell of a time with it.  I might have to sit down with the DVD and try to extract it, but that's hard what with people yelling, gun shots, explosions and background music.


I know there are a lot of simple and obvious things that I have forgotten, over looked, and probably never even heard of, so ANY idea you have would be awesome, please share and help me to make some art!


poisonedgrace: (red X)

Don't ever underestimate yourself.  Whatever you are... however you see yourself... there's probably someone out there somewhere who probably sees something different.  Maybe better, maybe worse.  Let's be honest with the world we live in and the people we share it with... worse is probably a lot more common (yes, I realize that I just did it too).  So, what can we do?

Well, we can just do our best.  We can try to make ourselves into the 'us' that we want to be.  Maybe if we're  lucky, and we are ardent in our pursuit of (I don't want to use the word 'perfecting') bettering ourselves, then maybe we can somehow make the world a better place.  Even if it's to a small degree.  We have to hope for the ripples I guess.

It's funny, in a weird way.  So many of us have this idea that we are alone or lost in the world.  If you're a regular reader here, you know that I fight this a lot myself.  So often convinced that going through all the efforts and the struggle for nothing.  But little do we reckon that out there, somewhere, we might make some difference for more people than we realize. 

I guess I've had a brush with that.  Or something.

I...

Honestly, I know I've worked hard at Becoming.  I know I've come a long ways in my life.  But I still just...
I guess I still don't feel Worthy.
I suppose I feel as though I still have a very long way to go.
Most of the time I still do not even feel remotely fit for human company.
I do not feel poetic.  I do not feel beautiful.  I do not feel creative.  I do not feel smart.
I certainly don't feel like any sort of inspiration for anyone.

I basically just feel like the Same Animal As Always, trying to sneak by in The Human World that I will never really be a part of.
Never really understanding or accepting The Way Things Are.

I know I have improved in a lot of ways.

I don't get as angry.  I don't get angry as often.  I don't break things anymore.  I don't fall prey to a host of other destructive things that I've had issues with in the past.  I know that I have measurably improved myself.

But at the same time (insert list of character flaws here)...
I still don't stand up for myself sometimes.  I still don't know how to communicate or convey half of what filters through me.  I still hide from... fine, we'll be honest again... everything.  I can't deal with certain things.  Certain situations.  So I avoid as though it were an Olympic sport.
"Here we have Gold Medalist in the Avoiding category!"  World class, y'all.

When I can't process things, I shut down.  I don't get over things, I carry them around.  I feel deep senses of unworthiness and guilt over things I rationally know that I should not.  Then I feel guilty about feeling guilty.  That's a whirlpool, for sure. 

People think I am good at communicating, because I bleed words out on (virtual) paper, but secretly, I'm not.  I haven't spoken to a couple of my "best friends" in a number of months now, because I don't know what to say.  Because there is this large unfocused blob of ARGH inside of me and I can't focus it enough to make it articulate.  So I ran away.  I don't know if they've realized that I ran away, and they're waiting, or if they have no idea.  I guess a pouty, selfish part of me kind of wants to count the months until they contact me, just to see. 
Clearly all that doesn't add up to being a 'good' or 'enlightened' person, but it's still happening.  With my knowledge, right under my own nose, but I keep not doing anything about it.  What does that make me?

Don't even get me started on all the shit I have become terrified of over the years.  Ruined, injured, maimed, and it makes me shakey like a stray dog.  Distrustful like a wildcat.  I will circle the camp and growl and fuss.  Wanting so badly the warmth of the fire and the succor of the food, but so filled with dread and The Horrors that I can't even take the few simple steps to where I have been amply and generously invited.

I KNOW these things, but I'm not able to... to what, even?  To Make It Go.  To Get Over It.  Heal?  I don't even know.

I just know that I'm not anything amazing.  I'm not whatever you think I am.  I am still Poise & Grace, Gone Wrong.  Baleful Pulchritude.  Prince of Monstrous Things.  I'm still hoping to grow up into a swan, but so far?  Quack, quack, motherfucker.


And maybe this will be good for me, because I've been coming here and saying NOTHING for so long that I was forgetting how to be honest.  Coming here in feigned comfort for so long that I forgot how to actually let it out.  Disguising the disguises for fear of the disguised.

Building shells because what else can you do with that many scabs?  It's funny how accidentally hearing something nice about yourself can make you remember who you want to be.  And in turn who you might be instead.

I don't know if it means anything, but this spill feels like a return to roots for me a bit.


Hi, how are you?  It's been a while.
Who are we now?

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