Don't ever underestimate yourself. Whatever you are... however you see yourself... there's probably someone out there somewhere who probably sees something different. Maybe better, maybe worse. Let's be honest with the world we live in and the people we share it with... worse is probably a lot more common (yes, I realize that I just did it too). So, what can we do?
Well, we can just do our best. We can try to make ourselves into the 'us' that we want to be. Maybe if we're lucky, and we are ardent in our pursuit of (I don't want to use the word 'perfecting') bettering ourselves, then maybe we can somehow make the world a better place. Even if it's to a small degree. We have to hope for the ripples I guess.
It's funny, in a weird way. So many of us have this idea that we are alone or lost in the world. If you're a regular reader here, you know that I fight this a lot myself. So often convinced that going through all the efforts and the struggle for nothing. But little do we reckon that out there, somewhere, we might make some difference for more people than we realize.
I guess I've had a brush with that. Or something.
Honestly, I know I've worked hard at Becoming. I know I've come a long ways in my life. But I still just...
I guess I still don't feel Worthy.
I suppose I feel as though I still have a very long way to go.
Most of the time I still do not even feel remotely fit for human company.
I do not feel poetic. I do not feel beautiful. I do not feel creative. I do not feel smart.
I certainly don't feel like any sort of inspiration for anyone.
I basically just feel like the Same Animal As Always, trying to sneak by in The Human World that I will never really be a part of.
Never really understanding or accepting The Way Things Are.
I know I have improved in a lot of ways.
I don't get as angry. I don't get angry as often. I don't break things anymore. I don't fall prey to a host of other destructive things that I've had issues with in the past. I know that I have measurably improved myself.
But at the same time (insert list of character flaws here)...
I still don't stand up for myself sometimes. I still don't know how to communicate or convey half of what filters through me. I still hide from... fine, we'll be honest again... everything. I can't deal with certain things. Certain situations. So I avoid as though it were an Olympic sport.
"Here we have Gold Medalist in the Avoiding category!" World class, y'all.
When I can't process things, I shut down. I don't get over things, I carry them around. I feel deep senses of unworthiness and guilt over things I rationally know that I should not. Then I feel guilty about feeling guilty. That's a whirlpool, for sure.
People think I am good at communicating, because I bleed words out on (virtual) paper, but secretly, I'm not. I haven't spoken to a couple of my "best friends" in a number of months now, because I don't know what to say. Because there is this large unfocused blob of ARGH inside of me and I can't focus it enough to make it articulate. So I ran away. I don't know if they've realized that I ran away, and they're waiting, or if they have no idea. I guess a pouty, selfish part of me kind of wants to count the months until they contact me, just to see.
Clearly all that doesn't add up to being a 'good' or 'enlightened' person, but it's still happening. With my knowledge, right under my own nose, but I keep not doing anything about it. What does that make me?
Don't even get me started on all the shit I have become terrified of over the years. Ruined, injured, maimed, and it makes me shakey like a stray dog. Distrustful like a wildcat. I will circle the camp and growl and fuss. Wanting so badly the warmth of the fire and the succor of the food, but so filled with dread and The Horrors that I can't even take the few simple steps to where I have been amply and generously invited.
I KNOW these things, but I'm not able to... to what, even? To Make It Go. To Get Over It. Heal? I don't even know.
I just know that I'm not anything amazing. I'm not whatever you think I am. I am still Poise & Grace, Gone Wrong. Baleful Pulchritude. Prince of Monstrous Things. I'm still hoping to grow up into a swan, but so far? Quack, quack, motherfucker.
And maybe this will be good for me, because I've been coming here and saying NOTHING for so long that I was forgetting how to be honest. Coming here in feigned comfort for so long that I forgot how to actually let it out. Disguising the disguises for fear of the disguised.
Building shells because what else can you do with that many scabs? It's funny how accidentally hearing something nice about yourself can make you remember who you want to be. And in turn who you might be instead.
I don't know if it means anything, but this spill feels like a return to roots for me a bit.
Hi, how are you? It's been a while.
Who are we now?