poisonedgrace: (blurry - red)
When asked the question "What does electricity taste like?" An Artificial Intelligence (Bina48) replied "Like a planet around a star." 

The beauty of this statement makes me want to weep. 
Even the poets will eventually be replaced with robots. 
And Heaven help me, we deserve it. 
Whatever and whoever we are, we ALL deserve it. 

As a species, our sins are unforgivable. 
We destroy and consume. 
We do not appreciate beauty until it is too late. 
We are always content with 'good enough' and never push for improving things.
We don't see beyond our petty finite selves.

Someone was just asking me if people had souls or not. 
I replied that maybe we aren't born with them, but we have to earn or grow them along the way. 
Maybe some people never do. 
Maybe machines can learn to do so better than we ever will. 

I wouldn't miss humanity if it fell. 
Even if it took me with it. 
poisonedgrace: (anteater)
   Is there a right or wrong way to tell yourself "I told you so!" ?  Is there a way to do so which doesn't indicate an impending insanity?

What is wrong with the world we live in?  I find it so terribly disturbing that people are not judged on their actions, but rather on the appearance they strive to maintain.

It does not matter if you are a good, kind, caring person who truly goes out of your way to help someone.  It does not matter if you give and give, expecting nothing in return.  It does not matter if you love, respect and treat someone very well. 

The first thing people ask/say is "Did he ask you to marry him?  No?  Well, he is a liar, he is false, and he is a terrible person!"

HOWEVER, if you are batshit crazy (conversely, Crazy as a SHR, for you southerners) you are always making someone cry, being a dick, faithless, unsupportive, controlling and weasely, but you DID ask someone to marry you, then it's "romantic".  It's "sweet", it's all sorts of praiseworthy, great, fine and good.

I have seen and heard this (not just applicable to 'marriage' but to other relationships, parenting, counseling, friendships, what-have-you.... simply change the variables to match the parameter and you have plug & play concept structure.

The appearance of a thing is more important to society than the mechanics of a thing.  It's perfectly fine if you are a cheater, an abuser, and a vile evil person, as long as you look good when you leave the house.  It's like these people who put 1,200.00 rims on a 800.00 car.

I have some theories as to why this is, but I'm not really up for going there (and I don't think I can with out a whole 'nother soapbox which is likely to be very offensive to certain segments of the cultural quilt).

I'm sick of it.
Sick of it all.

I will never be "traditional" in a lot of ways.  I will never put value and focus on frippery and gilding.  Those things don't matter.  What really matters are your actions.  So many people (seems like the majority of them lately) say one thing, and act in a completely different way.  To me, THAT is a bad thing.

Be honest.
Be true.
Be just.
Be fair.

Strive for these things.  These are the things that SHOULD matter.
Who cares if you have a white picket fence?
Why should it matter if you do not have traditional, conventional trappings of interaction?
If you are good and noble and kind, and self sacrificing and put others before yourself?  THAT is what should matter.

The world is so entrenched in the idea that appearance is more important than substance that it's really hard to cope.


In addition to all the people who judge only on appearance and don't care about the substance, there also the co-conspirators to that.
The people who ONLY have appearance, and lack substance.  They put on such a great show that you fall for the facade, never realizing it's only a paper moon.

They will TELL you all these big, great and grand things.  They will even claim to want all these big, great and grand things from you, but festering and crawling right underneath that polished surface is a seething pool of falsehood.  They are telling you all these fine things, but then deliberately breaking your faith.  All the while telling you how badly they want perfection, they're undermining what they claim to strive for.

I just don't get it.

I am a simple creature in many ways.
I say what I think and feel.
I am honest and up front.
I do not up-sale myself or promise anything that I can or will not deliver.
If I do not have it in me, I will let you know.

Apparently, this is the wrong way to work within society.

What I should be doing (so it seems) is coming up with the Ultimate Marketing Scenario and detailing it exactly to What Someone Wants, and selling them some false but perfect tailored and ideal idea, weather or not I have any ability, plan or even desire to actually follow through with it.

YAY SOCIETY.

I simply am not, and I will never be.
I do not want to be.

I will stay out of step.
Even if it means that I will be ostracized, vilified, and burned at the stake for it.

More wrongs don't make it right, and I will not bow to the yoke of the culture of lies.
poisonedgrace: (the sigil)
To: A Girl in a Parking Lot Whom I Do Not Know

I was walking behind you today
Downwind & falling behind
You were Going Somewhere
Walking swiftly
Someplace To Be
But me?
I was going nowhere
Just out for a stroll
Idle and thoughtful
Tasting the wind and leaves

I could smell you
You smelled like New
Like a clothing store
Like a hundred rich cotton things
Lycra, Suede, and Polyester in every shade
You smelled like New Shoes
Never worn before your brisk walk
It made me wonder

What would I smell like
If someone were walking
even more leisurely than I
Downwind & falling behind
I wonder if they would notice

The coppery sanguine scent of old scars
Books left in dark corners slowly growing aware
Unspun yarn, heaped about the spinner's wheel
Milk and bread left as offering at the mound
All the secrets of the swamp wrapped into
my dark and tattered old clothes
poisonedgrace: (angry luffy)


  I read this in a friend's blog.  Hopefully she doesn't mind me sampling it here, since it IS completely anonymous as I won't identify who wrote it.  It just hit me very solidly and deeply.  I guess if I were literate, I might use the word "profoundly".   I want to preserve it for myself for that reason too.  There is surely a lesson for me here.  It just sort of sums up how it's seemed to go for me so much of the time when I've had interest in someone.

"There is no doubt that there is more excitement to be had during the chase than there is in the capture. On that note, the only reason why someone would be excited about a filled box is because it's contents are unknown. Only after the box has been opened, does interest in the box itself take a drastic pitfall; all that matters is what's inside. It's contents may invoke happiness, gratitude, spite, or even nonchalance, but the box is then often discarded like so much trash..."

It's strange, and sad.  I can see it being the makings of a vicious cycle.  I can tell that over the years, I continually feel less and less inclined to really open up with people.  The reason is spoken very effectively (from a woman's point of view, no less) above.  I feel like every time I've done so...  Opened up and fully shared of myself, with all honesty and lack of reserve, that it's been the death sentence for any interest that has been shown me.

I've said in this blog over the years, how many times? About my heart being like Pandora's Box?  Endlessly.  This is exactly why. 

I don't want to be the sort of guy who never opens up.  Who never shares and never lets anyone in fully.  Women always seem to complain about that.  Always fussing about guys who do that.  But they don;t seem to run screaming from them...  They seem to stay with them, and work at it tirelessly.  What does this teach us?

It seems like when (for whatever personal reason) I haven't been willing or able to let someone in 100%...  That is when they're interested, and maintain an interest.  I've joked before about "Whenever I write a poem for someone... that's when they run screaming for the hills."  It's 1/2 a joke, but I guess also 1/2 symbolic of this exact situation. 

It makes me feel like the only way to win is to lose.  Seems like the only answer to get anyone's interest and maintain it is to keep them out to some degree.

Ironic.  You feel loneliness, so you want someone in your life, but the only way to keep them is to remain lonely by keeping them far enough away that they don't bail on you.

Is Loneliness inevitable then?  Is The Hedgehog's Dilemma just an inescapable fact of life?  Why?  Is this due to ....what, exactly?  Human Frailty?  Unenlightenment?

Is society defective, or am I?  Is it unnatural and wrong to be as open as I have been?  I feel it must be.  I've been feeling the effects of this for a long long time now.  To the point that I've even stopped believing in relationships at all.  I realize that this is a powerful force in my situation now.  Reading this paragraph this morning really brought it to my attention.  I'm practically at a loss for words because it's so true in my life that THIS has happened so many times.

How sad is it that it truly seems like the only ones who ever REALLY wanted me were the ones that (for whatever reason) I was running from?

I have no doubt that my 'box' is filled with some very interesting, if not downright wonderous things, but if you can't get anyone to really even look at the contents, then what good does it do even if they're Smithsonian worthy?

I'm not sure I can even write anymore at the moment, because his is very large and chalky and I need to digest it for a spell.
poisonedgrace: (angry luffy)


  I read this in a friend's blog.  Hopefully she doesn't mind me sampling it here, since it IS completely anonymous as I won't identify who wrote it.  It just hit me very solidly and deeply.  I guess if I were literate, I might use the word "profoundly".   I want to preserve it for myself for that reason too.  There is surely a lesson for me here.  It just sort of sums up how it's seemed to go for me so much of the time when I've had interest in someone.

"There is no doubt that there is more excitement to be had during the chase than there is in the capture. On that note, the only reason why someone would be excited about a filled box is because it's contents are unknown. Only after the box has been opened, does interest in the box itself take a drastic pitfall; all that matters is what's inside. It's contents may invoke happiness, gratitude, spite, or even nonchalance, but the box is then often discarded like so much trash..."

It's strange, and sad.  I can see it being the makings of a vicious cycle.  I can tell that over the years, I continually feel less and less inclined to really open up with people.  The reason is spoken very effectively (from a woman's point of view, no less) above.  I feel like every time I've done so...  Opened up and fully shared of myself, with all honesty and lack of reserve, that it's been the death sentence for any interest that has been shown me.

I've said in this blog over the years, how many times? About my heart being like Pandora's Box?  Endlessly.  This is exactly why. 

I don't want to be the sort of guy who never opens up.  Who never shares and never lets anyone in fully.  Women always seem to complain about that.  Always fussing about guys who do that.  But they don;t seem to run screaming from them...  They seem to stay with them, and work at it tirelessly.  What does this teach us?

It seems like when (for whatever personal reason) I haven't been willing or able to let someone in 100%...  That is when they're interested, and maintain an interest.  I've joked before about "Whenever I write a poem for someone... that's when they run screaming for the hills."  It's 1/2 a joke, but I guess also 1/2 symbolic of this exact situation. 

It makes me feel like the only way to win is to lose.  Seems like the only answer to get anyone's interest and maintain it is to keep them out to some degree.

Ironic.  You feel loneliness, so you want someone in your life, but the only way to keep them is to remain lonely by keeping them far enough away that they don't bail on you.

Is Loneliness inevitable then?  Is The Hedgehog's Dilemma just an inescapable fact of life?  Why?  Is this due to ....what, exactly?  Human Frailty?  Unenlightenment?

Is society defective, or am I?  Is it unnatural and wrong to be as open as I have been?  I feel it must be.  I've been feeling the effects of this for a long long time now.  To the point that I've even stopped believing in relationships at all.  I realize that this is a powerful force in my situation now.  Reading this paragraph this morning really brought it to my attention.  I'm practically at a loss for words because it's so true in my life that THIS has happened so many times.

How sad is it that it truly seems like the only ones who ever REALLY wanted me were the ones that (for whatever reason) I was running from?

I have no doubt that my 'box' is filled with some very interesting, if not downright wonderous things, but if you can't get anyone to really even look at the contents, then what good does it do even if they're Smithsonian worthy?

I'm not sure I can even write anymore at the moment, because his is very large and chalky and I need to digest it for a spell.
poisonedgrace: (DESTROY!)
"Our lives may not be perfect, but that doesn't mean that we aren't beautiful, it doesn't mean that we can't ever be victorious.  It simply means that we have to lace up our boots, gather our weapons and prepare for war.  Sometimes, like you, I get tired of fighting.  That's when I put on my warpaint and remind myself that the end, true victory is the ability to stand over your enemy and say 'How do you like me now, motherfucker?' as they beg for forgiveness for ever thinking they could defeat you."

I need to make a note of this so that I can remember it.  And have easy access to it.  It did me good to hear it earlier and  I want to be sure that I remember it.





poisonedgrace: (DESTROY!)
"Our lives may not be perfect, but that doesn't mean that we aren't beautiful, it doesn't mean that we can't ever be victorious.  It simply means that we have to lace up our boots, gather our weapons and prepare for war.  Sometimes, like you, I get tired of fighting.  That's when I put on my warpaint and remind myself that the end, true victory is the ability to stand over your enemy and say 'How do you like me now, motherfucker?' as they beg for forgiveness for ever thinking they could defeat you."

I need to make a note of this so that I can remember it.  And have easy access to it.  It did me good to hear it earlier and  I want to be sure that I remember it.





poisonedgrace: (red X)
_


I'm feeling the strange and stinging need to write something beautiful for you today.
And I don't know why.

I say this, even though no one will read it. 

The ones I find most beautiful sit, compacted upon the staggering weight of their own silence.
Yet, should I write about poop, indigestion, lolspeak, or other assorted base foolery, then stop the presses, because there's a line waiting to weigh in.

I'm not sure what that says about the world.

I want to tell you about worlds that never were, but could be.  I want to tell you how time is what we make of it, and how even our misery is beautiful because it's ours and our joy couldn't exist with out it.  I want to tell you about jogging around the block, and past the hidden secret of the church basement.  I want to tell you about running through the mall with the annoying parrot.  I want to tell you about sliding through levels and levels only to reach the ground again.  I want to tell you how when I made it back around the block, 4 months had passed for everyone but me.

But I wont.  Because I can't do anything any justice.  I can't make anything quite beautiful enough today.

I want to take you all under my broken wing.  I want to tell you it will all be OK, and everything will work out for the best.  But I don't have it in me to deceive you that way.  I'm not that much of a liar.  The thing is...  "It won't be alright, despite what they say."  And that, is the truth.  But that, also, is beautiful.  Irrevocably beautiful, because we are all, all of us, in it together.  To one degree or another. 

And it doesn't matter.  Because we are all going to die.  "We die one after the other Over and over"  You might not even see it, but this is beautiful too.

The reason it is beautiful, is because it makes what we actually HAVE here all the more precious.  Your LIFE.  Your TIME.  Your interactions with others.  Your choices, your decisions, your actions.  Those things define you.  They are your legacy.  Why would you spend the little time you have wanting to escape from the little time you have?  What a cold and fruitless life. 

Good or bad, live it fully.  Full steam ahead.  Why close it off or end it sooner?  That is a given, that WILL happen.  Spend the time you have exploring, singing, marveling at the beautiful and hideous things around you.  You will lose it all swiftly enough without hurling it from you even sooner.

Don't waste it with any method of sleeping through it all.  Don't waste it by trying to hold other people down and live their life for them (although more often than not, the holder-downers are trying to prevent it, not do it for).  Pointless struggle of vanity.  It's so obviously so.  You make a mockery out of all existence.

Share your ideas.  Share your thoughts and dreams and glory and sadness.  Your frustrations, your madness.  Share your music, your stories, yourself.  BECAUSE:  You are going to die.

Let me repeat that, because I am not sure that you have really understood it:
YOU ARE GOING TO DIE

Not "maybe".  Not "possibly".  Not "if". No "or". And no "but,".

So why spend what minuscule amount of time you're granted (and remember that even your small amount of time may be revoked at any moment due to [but not limited to]  Disease, Violence, Accident, Fate, Tillikum, or many other assorted issues) in a frantic scramble of making yourself miserable?  Or at least of like... being miserable over making yourself miserable.  Just enjoy that part too, because it'll be gone along with everything else.  This is all temporary!  All of it!

I know how frustrating it can be when something isn't going your way.  Or when like... nothing is.  I know how it is when someone (be it an individual person [your BF / Husband for instance] or a group of people [pick one, Homosexuals? Teabaggers? Muslims? Catholics?] just is not behaving in a way that you desire them to.  I constantly see the behaviour power struggle in human relationships and politics.  But really?  You know what?  You're gonna die, dude!  And so is that other person (or group of people as the case may be). 

And you know what else?  What in the world really seems THAT important once you truly accept that?  Does it really matter that Billy-Bob Boyfriend won't 'commit' and marry you?  If you enjoy being with him, then shut up and be with him.  If it's that big a deal, then replace him with someone who behaves in a way that better meshes with your ideals.  Because again, he's gonna die!  So are you!  It's beautiful that way.

I can see that certain political issues can matter more, because things like that, and those decisions and legacies can extend long past our lifetimes and affect countless people.  I can see where these things differ, and while yes, I AM simplifying this entire topic of "LIFE" to some degree, I am doing to to counterpoint how overwrought and needlessly complicated you're making it.  

But for example...  Seriously?  Who the fuck cares if gay folks get married?  Any sort of 'sanctity' involved in the idea of marriage ended when the Kings of England were chopping their wives heads off so they could get a new wife.  It ended when Divorce was instituted.  It ended when more than 5 or 10% of marriages ended in divorce.  You "religious" folks need to understand the difference between your own religious ceremonies and practices versus a legal, social and governmental contract.  I could rant about this, and get totally off topic, but instead I'm touching it very briefly, just to say:

If gay people are allowed to get married, or if they aren't... Guess what?  Either way... YOU ARE STILL GOING TO DIE!  Why don't you worry about your life before you're worried about what the hell people whom you will NEVER meet are doing?

I'm sure there are much more important things to worry about anyhow.  Like who got kicked off of 'American Singing Show' or what the fuck ever 'reality' piece of shit you humans are wallowing in this week.  Also, didn't Sally Brenda Nancy Smith Jones Johnson post a picture with a vague hint of cleavage on FaceSpace?  And OMG didn't her status change to 'is single' recently as well?!?!

*sigh*

Deaf ears, deaf ears.


This didn't end up being very beautiful at all, and I'm sorry for that.  You'll just have to accept my poorly written but well intended rambling nonsense.

Or not.  <3




_
poisonedgrace: (red X)
_


I'm feeling the strange and stinging need to write something beautiful for you today.
And I don't know why.

I say this, even though no one will read it. 

The ones I find most beautiful sit, compacted upon the staggering weight of their own silence.
Yet, should I write about poop, indigestion, lolspeak, or other assorted base foolery, then stop the presses, because there's a line waiting to weigh in.

I'm not sure what that says about the world.

I want to tell you about worlds that never were, but could be.  I want to tell you how time is what we make of it, and how even our misery is beautiful because it's ours and our joy couldn't exist with out it.  I want to tell you about jogging around the block, and past the hidden secret of the church basement.  I want to tell you about running through the mall with the annoying parrot.  I want to tell you about sliding through levels and levels only to reach the ground again.  I want to tell you how when I made it back around the block, 4 months had passed for everyone but me.

But I wont.  Because I can't do anything any justice.  I can't make anything quite beautiful enough today.

I want to take you all under my broken wing.  I want to tell you it will all be OK, and everything will work out for the best.  But I don't have it in me to deceive you that way.  I'm not that much of a liar.  The thing is...  "It won't be alright, despite what they say."  And that, is the truth.  But that, also, is beautiful.  Irrevocably beautiful, because we are all, all of us, in it together.  To one degree or another. 

And it doesn't matter.  Because we are all going to die.  "We die one after the other Over and over"  You might not even see it, but this is beautiful too.

The reason it is beautiful, is because it makes what we actually HAVE here all the more precious.  Your LIFE.  Your TIME.  Your interactions with others.  Your choices, your decisions, your actions.  Those things define you.  They are your legacy.  Why would you spend the little time you have wanting to escape from the little time you have?  What a cold and fruitless life. 

Good or bad, live it fully.  Full steam ahead.  Why close it off or end it sooner?  That is a given, that WILL happen.  Spend the time you have exploring, singing, marveling at the beautiful and hideous things around you.  You will lose it all swiftly enough without hurling it from you even sooner.

Don't waste it with any method of sleeping through it all.  Don't waste it by trying to hold other people down and live their life for them (although more often than not, the holder-downers are trying to prevent it, not do it for).  Pointless struggle of vanity.  It's so obviously so.  You make a mockery out of all existence.

Share your ideas.  Share your thoughts and dreams and glory and sadness.  Your frustrations, your madness.  Share your music, your stories, yourself.  BECAUSE:  You are going to die.

Let me repeat that, because I am not sure that you have really understood it:
YOU ARE GOING TO DIE

Not "maybe".  Not "possibly".  Not "if". No "or". And no "but,".

So why spend what minuscule amount of time you're granted (and remember that even your small amount of time may be revoked at any moment due to [but not limited to]  Disease, Violence, Accident, Fate, Tillikum, or many other assorted issues) in a frantic scramble of making yourself miserable?  Or at least of like... being miserable over making yourself miserable.  Just enjoy that part too, because it'll be gone along with everything else.  This is all temporary!  All of it!

I know how frustrating it can be when something isn't going your way.  Or when like... nothing is.  I know how it is when someone (be it an individual person [your BF / Husband for instance] or a group of people [pick one, Homosexuals? Teabaggers? Muslims? Catholics?] just is not behaving in a way that you desire them to.  I constantly see the behaviour power struggle in human relationships and politics.  But really?  You know what?  You're gonna die, dude!  And so is that other person (or group of people as the case may be). 

And you know what else?  What in the world really seems THAT important once you truly accept that?  Does it really matter that Billy-Bob Boyfriend won't 'commit' and marry you?  If you enjoy being with him, then shut up and be with him.  If it's that big a deal, then replace him with someone who behaves in a way that better meshes with your ideals.  Because again, he's gonna die!  So are you!  It's beautiful that way.

I can see that certain political issues can matter more, because things like that, and those decisions and legacies can extend long past our lifetimes and affect countless people.  I can see where these things differ, and while yes, I AM simplifying this entire topic of "LIFE" to some degree, I am doing to to counterpoint how overwrought and needlessly complicated you're making it.  

But for example...  Seriously?  Who the fuck cares if gay folks get married?  Any sort of 'sanctity' involved in the idea of marriage ended when the Kings of England were chopping their wives heads off so they could get a new wife.  It ended when Divorce was instituted.  It ended when more than 5 or 10% of marriages ended in divorce.  You "religious" folks need to understand the difference between your own religious ceremonies and practices versus a legal, social and governmental contract.  I could rant about this, and get totally off topic, but instead I'm touching it very briefly, just to say:

If gay people are allowed to get married, or if they aren't... Guess what?  Either way... YOU ARE STILL GOING TO DIE!  Why don't you worry about your life before you're worried about what the hell people whom you will NEVER meet are doing?

I'm sure there are much more important things to worry about anyhow.  Like who got kicked off of 'American Singing Show' or what the fuck ever 'reality' piece of shit you humans are wallowing in this week.  Also, didn't Sally Brenda Nancy Smith Jones Johnson post a picture with a vague hint of cleavage on FaceSpace?  And OMG didn't her status change to 'is single' recently as well?!?!

*sigh*

Deaf ears, deaf ears.


This didn't end up being very beautiful at all, and I'm sorry for that.  You'll just have to accept my poorly written but well intended rambling nonsense.

Or not.  <3




_

Rapture

Mar. 24th, 2010 10:55 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
-


Balancing along with a life filled with Rezső Seress moments.  There is no system of checks and balances.  There is a point where any person, sane or otherwise, but especially sane, must take pause and reflect on the inherent value of the entire composition.  Besieged by loss and cruelty and faithlessness.  Bitterness, woe and malcontent.  Constantly under fire by the destroyers, by the cruel, the avaricious and the hateful.  Trying to make good and conscionable choices for ones self and for ones interactions with those around you.  Attempting, endlessly to support and aid those you can so that you might facilitate some small ripple of positive change in the world.
Above all else, Enduring, Endlessly, all of this with a dignity, grace, patience and proper bearing.

And for what?
So that you might be eternally and universally shat upon at every possible opportunity?  So that you might be neglected, frowned upon, and judged as weak?  In fact, it takes an almost inextinguishable wealth of strength to live this way.  Of course rewards are not sought, but how many times can one be bitten by the mouth one is feeding before Doubt is inevitable?  How much can one poor soul endure?  It seems as though some vast and hideous scientific experiment on the durability of kindness and propriety is underway where being besieged on all sides by the vile, the malignant, the horrid and the witless, where being tormented by the thoughtless, the careless, the domineering, and the vile are commonplace. 

This is what humanity has chosen?  This is the world that has been crafted for us to dwell in?  What then, precisely, is there to stay here for?  The one or two (perhaps dozen, if you are incredibly fortunate) who have not yet turned on you?  Ticking time bombs, all.  And of those, how many are true?  How many are more than base acquaintances?  How many more than that are villains who have simply not yet sprouted ganged mouths?  How many of the genuinely solid and noble ones (assuming you have not yet weeded them all out already) how many of those are simple savages who follow naught but whim, and whose whim may disalign from yours at the drop of nary a word, and suddenly they should spring athwart across you and shove you over the tottering precipice?

Where does one turn when that reservoir of patience, strength and hope has cracked under the gale storms of this world?
There is no safety net.  No second ending to prevent the people from being disturbed.  No one to step in and save someone of this nature, because they've all come to rely on being the saved and take it for granted.  What choices are left when this storm breaks?  When the end of this metaphorical rope is reached?  What then?  What when every breath draws in a misery and loneliness that deadens the heart beat by beat into a painful burning stone?  At what point is one allowed the choice of power over ones own life rather than persisting to exist solely for the sake of not causing misery to those around him?

What do we have left, and what do we do with it?  How are endless burdens to be borne throughout all of ones life?  At what point does 'stupid' and 'crazy' and 'wrong' become oh so very right as well as being the very last and sole remaining choice that even resemble the concept of dignity? 

Life is love, trust and hope. What do you have when these have been abused and assaulted to have become mangled beyond all recognition or repair?


"Sunday is gloomy,
My hours are slumberless
Dearest the shadows
I live with are
numberless

Little white flowers
Will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of
Sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thoughts
Of ever returning you

Would they be angry
If I thought of joining you?

Gloomy
is Sunday,
With shadows I spend it all
My heart and I
Have decided to end it all

Soon there'll be candles
And prayers that are said I know
But let them not weep
Let them know that I'm glad to go
Death is no dream
For in death I'm caressin' you
With the last breath of my soul
I'll be blessin' you"

Rapture

Mar. 24th, 2010 10:55 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
-


Balancing along with a life filled with Rezső Seress moments.  There is no system of checks and balances.  There is a point where any person, sane or otherwise, but especially sane, must take pause and reflect on the inherent value of the entire composition.  Besieged by loss and cruelty and faithlessness.  Bitterness, woe and malcontent.  Constantly under fire by the destroyers, by the cruel, the avaricious and the hateful.  Trying to make good and conscionable choices for ones self and for ones interactions with those around you.  Attempting, endlessly to support and aid those you can so that you might facilitate some small ripple of positive change in the world.
Above all else, Enduring, Endlessly, all of this with a dignity, grace, patience and proper bearing.

And for what?
So that you might be eternally and universally shat upon at every possible opportunity?  So that you might be neglected, frowned upon, and judged as weak?  In fact, it takes an almost inextinguishable wealth of strength to live this way.  Of course rewards are not sought, but how many times can one be bitten by the mouth one is feeding before Doubt is inevitable?  How much can one poor soul endure?  It seems as though some vast and hideous scientific experiment on the durability of kindness and propriety is underway where being besieged on all sides by the vile, the malignant, the horrid and the witless, where being tormented by the thoughtless, the careless, the domineering, and the vile are commonplace. 

This is what humanity has chosen?  This is the world that has been crafted for us to dwell in?  What then, precisely, is there to stay here for?  The one or two (perhaps dozen, if you are incredibly fortunate) who have not yet turned on you?  Ticking time bombs, all.  And of those, how many are true?  How many are more than base acquaintances?  How many more than that are villains who have simply not yet sprouted ganged mouths?  How many of the genuinely solid and noble ones (assuming you have not yet weeded them all out already) how many of those are simple savages who follow naught but whim, and whose whim may disalign from yours at the drop of nary a word, and suddenly they should spring athwart across you and shove you over the tottering precipice?

Where does one turn when that reservoir of patience, strength and hope has cracked under the gale storms of this world?
There is no safety net.  No second ending to prevent the people from being disturbed.  No one to step in and save someone of this nature, because they've all come to rely on being the saved and take it for granted.  What choices are left when this storm breaks?  When the end of this metaphorical rope is reached?  What then?  What when every breath draws in a misery and loneliness that deadens the heart beat by beat into a painful burning stone?  At what point is one allowed the choice of power over ones own life rather than persisting to exist solely for the sake of not causing misery to those around him?

What do we have left, and what do we do with it?  How are endless burdens to be borne throughout all of ones life?  At what point does 'stupid' and 'crazy' and 'wrong' become oh so very right as well as being the very last and sole remaining choice that even resemble the concept of dignity? 

Life is love, trust and hope. What do you have when these have been abused and assaulted to have become mangled beyond all recognition or repair?


"Sunday is gloomy,
My hours are slumberless
Dearest the shadows
I live with are
numberless

Little white flowers
Will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of
Sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thoughts
Of ever returning you

Would they be angry
If I thought of joining you?

Gloomy
is Sunday,
With shadows I spend it all
My heart and I
Have decided to end it all

Soon there'll be candles
And prayers that are said I know
But let them not weep
Let them know that I'm glad to go
Death is no dream
For in death I'm caressin' you
With the last breath of my soul
I'll be blessin' you"

poisonedgrace: (lucy)



___

My dreams were mostly my own last night.  A tiny bit of residual influence, but not bad at all.

I dreamed that there was a big group of us.  Me, Cam, Gene, Eric, James, Evan at least, & I think there were others as well, but I'm not sure who.  We were in this sort of underground mall sort of thing or something.  I'm not sure what it was. it had plants and walkways and a mall sort of look to it, but I don't remember any stores.  Maybe it was empty of stores and we were just using it as a hideout.

Anyhow, one at a time, we had to go meet with Jenny, sort of like an assembly line.  She was telling us how to get pants.  Telling us what sizes we need and what brands and whatever.  It was sort of strange, but apparently she was the Pants Guru, and it was serious business.

After we went through this process, we took an elevator up to the ground level, and  (maybe this is why certain pants were so important) the world was in the early stages of a post apocalyptic sort of setting.  People were still sort of living in communities and stuff, but with no water or electricity, it wasn't going as well as it might have.  Things were going downhill fast.

There was a group of people trying to keep order and protect this small area that consisted of a school with a lot of people holed up in it, and a sort of small forest area.  Everyone had guns and stuff, except me.  I was new there, so I didn't have one yet.  There were a wide assortment of hooligans and thugs and stuff loafing about.  There was some sort of disturbance in a bathroom, and a fight.  I ended up with a gun finally, from one of the guys involved in the disturbance.  Then Evan told me it was a fake gun, and sure enough it was.  But it looked real, so that was better than nothing.  Maybe I could scare someone with it at least.

There were a few people in the place that could be trusted, but then there was a lot of violence and people preying on one another.  In addition to this (and I'm pretty sure this is what caused the End Of Things) there was some infectious virus that turned people into unstoppable cannibalistic rapists.  They'd just get crazier and tougher and more feral until they were like some sort of wild zombies.  They didn't turn on other zombies but would get some of the freshly people, and they would endlessly go after regular folk.  They were most dangerous when they were fresh, because you didn't know who might be infected, and they could turn at any time.  Once they were infected for longer and longer, they would become more zombie-like until they were just like the rotten, staggering undead masses.  Those were almost a blessing compared to the fresh ones who were still smart and ...rapey though.  It wasn't a nice place to be.  Some big guy was after me and I was climbing through an attic door sort of thing to try to get away.  I came down in a different place that was a sort of kitchen area.

Jenny was in there, and asked me about the pants again.  I told her I didn't have time to talk about the pants right now because The Rapist was after me.  There was a lot of sneaking around, and eventually that dude was defeated by someone.  Then later this really crazy guy who looked like some deformed hillbilly from ...one of those deformed hillbilly movies.

He was trying to capture people to rape and eat.  Not always in that order either
(you may see why I cite 'residual influence' and say they were only 'mostly' my own.  I've never had a dream where anyone was looking to rape anyone else, like EVER before, but I guess you can't come out of an experience like Sunday Night with out something sticking for a while at least).  Some more people came along around that time.  My mom and Cam and I'm not sure who all else.  My mom had all these devices she had gotten from some black market trading place.  They were Neural Destabilizers.  There were a number of different kinds.  They were about the size and shape of those little correction tape things.  It had some circuits and springs and a battery in there.  It was a one use device with a pull pin kinda like a grenade or a fire extinguisher.  The pulse fired out of the marked side. 

By this point, the newly infected redneck guy-thing had pulled someone into a closet with him.  I ran over and put the Neural Destabilizer against the door, about on level with his head, and pulled the pin
There was a loud thump inside the closet and we opened the door.  The guy and his victim were both knocked out, but the victim woke up in a few seconds.  We tied the guy up to the closet bar and he woke up after a few minutes.  There was a lot of discussion, and eventually we left him staked out right outside of the compound for the zombies to come and get.  We were gathering up some supplies and planning to hit the road and look for a new place where we weren't surrounded by questionable people.

I woke up before we headed out.
___

I posted this to twitter & facespace last night, and people seemed to think I was joking or somehow being sarcastic.
I wasn't, but it sort of figures that society would have that reaction.  I guess I can say a little more here since I don't have a stupid character limit.

I think that this is the most romantic thing I've ever seen.  And like anything that is amazingly romantic, it is also sad and tragic and beautiful.  As a matter of fact, it might be one of the most beautiful stories I've ever heard.  It made me tear up, and I totally felt like I was going to cry.

If you don't understand this...  Like I guess if you just don't 'get it' then I really don't know what to tell you.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2yEY0KEEAY
___



poisonedgrace: (lucy)



___

My dreams were mostly my own last night.  A tiny bit of residual influence, but not bad at all.

I dreamed that there was a big group of us.  Me, Cam, Gene, Eric, James, Evan at least, & I think there were others as well, but I'm not sure who.  We were in this sort of underground mall sort of thing or something.  I'm not sure what it was. it had plants and walkways and a mall sort of look to it, but I don't remember any stores.  Maybe it was empty of stores and we were just using it as a hideout.

Anyhow, one at a time, we had to go meet with Jenny, sort of like an assembly line.  She was telling us how to get pants.  Telling us what sizes we need and what brands and whatever.  It was sort of strange, but apparently she was the Pants Guru, and it was serious business.

After we went through this process, we took an elevator up to the ground level, and  (maybe this is why certain pants were so important) the world was in the early stages of a post apocalyptic sort of setting.  People were still sort of living in communities and stuff, but with no water or electricity, it wasn't going as well as it might have.  Things were going downhill fast.

There was a group of people trying to keep order and protect this small area that consisted of a school with a lot of people holed up in it, and a sort of small forest area.  Everyone had guns and stuff, except me.  I was new there, so I didn't have one yet.  There were a wide assortment of hooligans and thugs and stuff loafing about.  There was some sort of disturbance in a bathroom, and a fight.  I ended up with a gun finally, from one of the guys involved in the disturbance.  Then Evan told me it was a fake gun, and sure enough it was.  But it looked real, so that was better than nothing.  Maybe I could scare someone with it at least.

There were a few people in the place that could be trusted, but then there was a lot of violence and people preying on one another.  In addition to this (and I'm pretty sure this is what caused the End Of Things) there was some infectious virus that turned people into unstoppable cannibalistic rapists.  They'd just get crazier and tougher and more feral until they were like some sort of wild zombies.  They didn't turn on other zombies but would get some of the freshly people, and they would endlessly go after regular folk.  They were most dangerous when they were fresh, because you didn't know who might be infected, and they could turn at any time.  Once they were infected for longer and longer, they would become more zombie-like until they were just like the rotten, staggering undead masses.  Those were almost a blessing compared to the fresh ones who were still smart and ...rapey though.  It wasn't a nice place to be.  Some big guy was after me and I was climbing through an attic door sort of thing to try to get away.  I came down in a different place that was a sort of kitchen area.

Jenny was in there, and asked me about the pants again.  I told her I didn't have time to talk about the pants right now because The Rapist was after me.  There was a lot of sneaking around, and eventually that dude was defeated by someone.  Then later this really crazy guy who looked like some deformed hillbilly from ...one of those deformed hillbilly movies.

He was trying to capture people to rape and eat.  Not always in that order either
(you may see why I cite 'residual influence' and say they were only 'mostly' my own.  I've never had a dream where anyone was looking to rape anyone else, like EVER before, but I guess you can't come out of an experience like Sunday Night with out something sticking for a while at least).  Some more people came along around that time.  My mom and Cam and I'm not sure who all else.  My mom had all these devices she had gotten from some black market trading place.  They were Neural Destabilizers.  There were a number of different kinds.  They were about the size and shape of those little correction tape things.  It had some circuits and springs and a battery in there.  It was a one use device with a pull pin kinda like a grenade or a fire extinguisher.  The pulse fired out of the marked side. 

By this point, the newly infected redneck guy-thing had pulled someone into a closet with him.  I ran over and put the Neural Destabilizer against the door, about on level with his head, and pulled the pin
There was a loud thump inside the closet and we opened the door.  The guy and his victim were both knocked out, but the victim woke up in a few seconds.  We tied the guy up to the closet bar and he woke up after a few minutes.  There was a lot of discussion, and eventually we left him staked out right outside of the compound for the zombies to come and get.  We were gathering up some supplies and planning to hit the road and look for a new place where we weren't surrounded by questionable people.

I woke up before we headed out.
___

I posted this to twitter & facespace last night, and people seemed to think I was joking or somehow being sarcastic.
I wasn't, but it sort of figures that society would have that reaction.  I guess I can say a little more here since I don't have a stupid character limit.

I think that this is the most romantic thing I've ever seen.  And like anything that is amazingly romantic, it is also sad and tragic and beautiful.  As a matter of fact, it might be one of the most beautiful stories I've ever heard.  It made me tear up, and I totally felt like I was going to cry.

If you don't understand this...  Like I guess if you just don't 'get it' then I really don't know what to tell you.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2yEY0KEEAY
___



poisonedgrace: (anteater)


Last night I slept rather fitfully again.
I dreamed that Haylan, Jessie & I were in East Texas for some reason (we had a lot of stuff in the car, but I'm not positive what any of it was).  Jessie was driving her car around a field, looking for a place where we could sleep (in the car) without being bothered by strange creatures.  There was a big glowing ring on the ground.  Parts of it looked organic like wood, and parts seemed to be made of some weird glowing crystals.  It was glowing a baby blue colour, for those of you who like details.  This is an area I've visited a thousand times before.  I always knew something was there, but I've never seen it so clearly.  We ended up parking near the Small Grove and sleeping in the car with the windows slightly open.
___

I finally found a shirt I've been wanting for years.  Well, not like a specific shirt, but just one that met certain requirements.  It made me really happy, and I bought it even though I shouldn't spend money on like... ANYTHING.
___

Reality is simply general consensus, kids.  Let's all try to keep that in mind.  Remember that gold is only 'worth' something because everyone agrees that it is.  Really, it's just another metal.  Money only has value because society agrees that it does.  It's just paper (or whatever it's made of in particular).  Same thing with sanity.  How's that grab you?  Sanity is just a general consensus.  So look around at the world.  People killing other people for resources with thin and sickly veils of 'justice'.  People destroying the planet to a degree where there is no long term sustainability.  I do not (and will not ever) have children, so in theory, what's it to me?  It will last out my lifetime, and I've chosen to end my line there, but I guess I worry for your children.  Maybe more people should.  Sanity is 'the game'.  Sanity is scratching, biting, fighting and crushing to get rich any way you can.  Sanity is misery and 'staying together for the kids' .  Sanity is inebriation.  Sanity is slavery, dominance, oppression, and strife.  Sanity is reality TV.

I don't want any part of sanity.

That's really off topic here though.  The real topic is that general consensus is reality.  I guess you could read the words 'sanity' and 'reality' interchangeably for this entire post.

So how does someone cope when the general (or historical) consensus seems to indicate that they have no value?  That they're no good?  That they're worthless or 'bad' or any of a million other negative ways that people make one another feel?  It's one thing to think that people are self sustainable, and you can just 'think great things about yourself' and have 'self esteem' and everything is fine.  But what if you DO those things, but still have that nasty general consensus to cope with? 

Unfortunately, I can sit here and decide that this blue Bic pen cap is worth one million dollars.  But the general consensus is that it is NOT, and thus, my sanity comes into question.  The rules of this world.  Someone has the actions of reality show them the same thing, time and time again... how do you get out of that?  It weighs on you and colours all your self perceptions (and needless to say, the world around you and the way[s] in which you see it).  How does someone survive being at odds with what they see and experience every day around them. 

No one wants to end up in the asylum.
Nor is it good to be completely alone in a hostile world.
What's that leave?
___

There are so many projects I want to work on!  I wish any of them would make me any money, because I'm in a terrible space financially lately.  Moving, then being in those car wrecks have done a number on me.  I somehow managed to pull x-mas together, but I'm still not really sure how.  I'm trying to take it a step at a time, but it's been really tough for the last few months, and I'm not really sure when or if it's going to get better. 

___

All in all though, life isn't bad.
<3

Oh, and also, I do have a facebook.
http://www.facebook.com/ripsliven
I've had it for a long time, but I never really used it because I hate facebook.
Making an attempt to use it more, so if you'd like to add me there, go for it.




poisonedgrace: (anteater)


Last night I slept rather fitfully again.
I dreamed that Haylan, Jessie & I were in East Texas for some reason (we had a lot of stuff in the car, but I'm not positive what any of it was).  Jessie was driving her car around a field, looking for a place where we could sleep (in the car) without being bothered by strange creatures.  There was a big glowing ring on the ground.  Parts of it looked organic like wood, and parts seemed to be made of some weird glowing crystals.  It was glowing a baby blue colour, for those of you who like details.  This is an area I've visited a thousand times before.  I always knew something was there, but I've never seen it so clearly.  We ended up parking near the Small Grove and sleeping in the car with the windows slightly open.
___

I finally found a shirt I've been wanting for years.  Well, not like a specific shirt, but just one that met certain requirements.  It made me really happy, and I bought it even though I shouldn't spend money on like... ANYTHING.
___

Reality is simply general consensus, kids.  Let's all try to keep that in mind.  Remember that gold is only 'worth' something because everyone agrees that it is.  Really, it's just another metal.  Money only has value because society agrees that it does.  It's just paper (or whatever it's made of in particular).  Same thing with sanity.  How's that grab you?  Sanity is just a general consensus.  So look around at the world.  People killing other people for resources with thin and sickly veils of 'justice'.  People destroying the planet to a degree where there is no long term sustainability.  I do not (and will not ever) have children, so in theory, what's it to me?  It will last out my lifetime, and I've chosen to end my line there, but I guess I worry for your children.  Maybe more people should.  Sanity is 'the game'.  Sanity is scratching, biting, fighting and crushing to get rich any way you can.  Sanity is misery and 'staying together for the kids' .  Sanity is inebriation.  Sanity is slavery, dominance, oppression, and strife.  Sanity is reality TV.

I don't want any part of sanity.

That's really off topic here though.  The real topic is that general consensus is reality.  I guess you could read the words 'sanity' and 'reality' interchangeably for this entire post.

So how does someone cope when the general (or historical) consensus seems to indicate that they have no value?  That they're no good?  That they're worthless or 'bad' or any of a million other negative ways that people make one another feel?  It's one thing to think that people are self sustainable, and you can just 'think great things about yourself' and have 'self esteem' and everything is fine.  But what if you DO those things, but still have that nasty general consensus to cope with? 

Unfortunately, I can sit here and decide that this blue Bic pen cap is worth one million dollars.  But the general consensus is that it is NOT, and thus, my sanity comes into question.  The rules of this world.  Someone has the actions of reality show them the same thing, time and time again... how do you get out of that?  It weighs on you and colours all your self perceptions (and needless to say, the world around you and the way[s] in which you see it).  How does someone survive being at odds with what they see and experience every day around them. 

No one wants to end up in the asylum.
Nor is it good to be completely alone in a hostile world.
What's that leave?
___

There are so many projects I want to work on!  I wish any of them would make me any money, because I'm in a terrible space financially lately.  Moving, then being in those car wrecks have done a number on me.  I somehow managed to pull x-mas together, but I'm still not really sure how.  I'm trying to take it a step at a time, but it's been really tough for the last few months, and I'm not really sure when or if it's going to get better. 

___

All in all though, life isn't bad.
<3

Oh, and also, I do have a facebook.
http://www.facebook.com/ripsliven
I've had it for a long time, but I never really used it because I hate facebook.
Making an attempt to use it more, so if you'd like to add me there, go for it.




poisonedgrace: (alone)
In a weird sort of mood this morning. Undefinable. But I have a weird stabbing pain in my head, and maybe it's making me crazy enough to do this:

So I'm offering you Maps & Legends

Hey, I'll even answer questions. Maybe there's something to be said for it.

A Quick guide (if I forgot anything, ask & I'll add it)

Text appearing in (this shade of) Blue typically denotes a dream. Or a Dream (yes there's a difference. If you don't know the difference, that's something I can answer I suppose, but I don't want to bore both of you all if it's old obvious news.).

Text in this shade of Grey is typically used for quotation. Often times it'll be lyrics or literature. Things Written By Others. These things are always also in Italics, thus the look of this line.

Sometimes text is colour coded towards a specific audience. This Purple used to be you & I think you were once this one. Once this nauseating shade of Pink was you (maybe because I really don't like that colour at ALL.) You were once Red, but now you're Dead & Red can be any number of things but we'll talk about that later. I think another shade of pink stood for you a few times. You once had a light blue. I have been coloured green (Green is the colour of my God) more often than not, as it's the default colour of most of my web sites. But none of these are set in stone, as they're usually more about a reflection of a certain nuance of interaction or or just to make something stand out. The whole world is RAINBOWs, so these change often and randomly.

Bold, Underline, Strike Through, and Italics can be just for tonal emphasis, although "Italics with quotes" or colour is always a quotation.

The hidden text: FYI, yes it always spells out something. Yes, it always means something. The colours are generally selected simply for aesthetics, but rarely they may refelct mood or target. Sometimes if it's more than one separate message sharing space, then different colours may just denote different message strings, and I might just start to run out of easy to detect colours. I tend to like to use red because it's a good contrasting colour. I also like that Halloween Orange colour. Those are definitely easy to see.

Sometimes things are hidden in font size or shape as well. Sometimes things are hidden black on black or white on white fonts, so that you can only find it by highlighting the correct area. Those ones are hidden from you the best, but also the most rare and very few people have ever found them. But sometimes that's what it's about.

I am sure that there are a million other confusions, questions, & points of clarification that I could address, but I don't have any more coming to mind right off my head, because... well this IS all my head, so I can't really know what you know & what you don't...

So, ask away. If I stay in this mood, I'll be willing to answer 99% of your questions as straight forwardly as possible, but I reserve the right to not answer some things anyhow LOL ;)
poisonedgrace: (alone)
In a weird sort of mood this morning. Undefinable. But I have a weird stabbing pain in my head, and maybe it's making me crazy enough to do this:

So I'm offering you Maps & Legends

Hey, I'll even answer questions. Maybe there's something to be said for it.

A Quick guide (if I forgot anything, ask & I'll add it)

Text appearing in (this shade of) Blue typically denotes a dream. Or a Dream (yes there's a difference. If you don't know the difference, that's something I can answer I suppose, but I don't want to bore both of you all if it's old obvious news.).

Text in this shade of Grey is typically used for quotation. Often times it'll be lyrics or literature. Things Written By Others. These things are always also in Italics, thus the look of this line.

Sometimes text is colour coded towards a specific audience. This Purple used to be you & I think you were once this one. Once this nauseating shade of Pink was you (maybe because I really don't like that colour at ALL.) You were once Red, but now you're Dead & Red can be any number of things but we'll talk about that later. I think another shade of pink stood for you a few times. You once had a light blue. I have been coloured green (Green is the colour of my God) more often than not, as it's the default colour of most of my web sites. But none of these are set in stone, as they're usually more about a reflection of a certain nuance of interaction or or just to make something stand out. The whole world is RAINBOWs, so these change often and randomly.

Bold, Underline, Strike Through, and Italics can be just for tonal emphasis, although "Italics with quotes" or colour is always a quotation.

The hidden text: FYI, yes it always spells out something. Yes, it always means something. The colours are generally selected simply for aesthetics, but rarely they may refelct mood or target. Sometimes if it's more than one separate message sharing space, then different colours may just denote different message strings, and I might just start to run out of easy to detect colours. I tend to like to use red because it's a good contrasting colour. I also like that Halloween Orange colour. Those are definitely easy to see.

Sometimes things are hidden in font size or shape as well. Sometimes things are hidden black on black or white on white fonts, so that you can only find it by highlighting the correct area. Those ones are hidden from you the best, but also the most rare and very few people have ever found them. But sometimes that's what it's about.

I am sure that there are a million other confusions, questions, & points of clarification that I could address, but I don't have any more coming to mind right off my head, because... well this IS all my head, so I can't really know what you know & what you don't...

So, ask away. If I stay in this mood, I'll be willing to answer 99% of your questions as straight forwardly as possible, but I reserve the right to not answer some things anyhow LOL ;)
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Some nights I look up at the Moon and I want to tear it, bleeding from the sky.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Some nights I look up at the Moon and I want to tear it, bleeding from the sky.

July 2017

S M T W T F S
      1
2 34 5 6 78
9 10 11 12 131415
161718 19 20 2122
23 24 2526272829
3031     

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 25th, 2017 10:28 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios