poisonedgrace: (Default)
My mind is racing, as it always will
My hands tired, my heart aches
I'm half a world away
here
And I had sworn to go it alone

This lonely deeps and hollow
My shoes are gone, my life spent
I've had too much to drink
I didn't think, I didn't think of you
I guess that's all I needed

This lonely world is wasted
Pathetic eyes
Blind eye that turns to see
The storm it came up strong
It shook the trees and blew away our fear
I couldn't leave it here

Blackbirds, backwards, forwards and fall"
poisonedgrace: (Default)
"Remember when you were the hunted.
Remember how I swallowed you in.
Remember the rewards shimmering on the floor
off the plastic chandelier.

Remember when I saw you in orbit.
Remember when I pulled you back in.
Remember looking on breaking into the dawn
thinking how this will never end.

Surrounded. Let's romanticize our beloved memories.
Surrounded. Let's demonize our softest injuries.
Surrounded. Can we get behind distortion and liberties?
Surrounded. We're surrounded and spiraling.

Remember when I played assassin.
Remember when my joking turned grim.
Remember how we thought if we follow the dots
it would stop all the accidents.

Remember when you broke my halo.
Remember how I tied your wings in.
Remember how we slipped all the lies we equipped
just to bring back the goods again.

Is it perfect
in our little hell?
Are you dancing?
or stumbling beside me?
Well this might not be.
We'll just wait and see.

So now that we've stopped hearing echoes.
And now that the replay wore thin.
Just remember who held you.
Remember who held you."
poisonedgrace: (Default)
I don't understand why people seem to take "I am dealing with a lot of depression right now" as some sort of invitation or a challenge to start a fight or some drama with you.

I guess maybe it makes people uncomfortable, and much like all the other apes, that causes them to lash out.

But that's some bullshit, yo. That is the last thing anyone needs and it seriously just makes it worse for everyone.

Sometimes a lot more soul wrackingly worse than they know.

But It really makes me remember the reasons for my long history of isolation and keeping it to myself.

"where there is always the comfort of knowing I'll never be seen when I fall"
poisonedgrace: (Default)
She reads to me by the 
soft glow of candlelight 
speaking of angels and demons
Instilled at such an early age
with these gifts of fright
all these divine gifts of reason
I lie awake as the ghost 
it still walks through the halls,
and it moves all around me
Echoing warnings 
burned into me as a child
that the sinner will pay with his life
Sheltered in filth
the windows they all bleed black
to hide such dementia
Inside of my mind 
or the mind that I seem to lack
no one pays close attention
I lie awake and I think of the simpler times 
before insanity found me
With a desire to unearth the dead in the night 
making me feel so alive
And now a part of me feels complete 
when I butcher these bodies
Trophies of skin they fall at my feet
all decaying and rotting
Sick pleasures fulfilled to me every time 
I bring home a new slave
Mother said lost souls should all be saved
except from a madman and his empty graves
Screams to me by the top of her lungs in my dreams
like I'm no more than a devil
As this hatred grows I sorely feel a need
that starts here with my shovel
Prying open the lid I can still see her face 
etched in my eyes here forever
I'll take you to my depths, and there I will desecrate
it's got to be now or be never
And now a part of me feels complete, 
when I butcher these bodies
Trophies of skin they fall at my feet
all decaying and rotting
Sick pleasures fulfilled to me every time
I bring home a new slave
Mother said lost souls should all be saved
except from a madman and his empty graves
It's got to be now, now or never
poisonedgrace: (Default)




"I chose an eternity of this
Like falling angels
The world disappeared
Laughing into the fire
Is it always like this?"













poisonedgrace: (Default)


I tell you everything
And I hope that you won't tell on me
And I'd give you anything
And I know that you won't tell on me
Pee-girl gets the belt
It only makes me cry
And all your milk is sour
And I can only cry
And I can only cower
And I can only cry
You have all the power
I've got a blister from
Touching everything I see
The abyss opens up
It steals everything from me
Pee-girl gets the belt
The old milk makes me mind
Your milk is so sick
Your milk has a dye
Your milk is so sick
Your milk has a dick
Burn the witch, the witch is dead
Burn the witch, burn the witch
Just bring me back her head
Pee-girl gets the belt
The old milk makes me mind
Your milk is so mean
Your milk turns to mine
Your milk turns to cream
poisonedgrace: (purple and teal)
"We've been sailing
All through sick skies
Backbones breaking
So we all lie

We are laughing, you see

Please don't get in line again
For the ride of the roller-coaster

It's such a scream
See the tracks
Bring them back
Don't you dare
Leave them there

We are laughing, you see

All the places
They're getting close to me
Coming around the bend
For all to see
And all to be"




poisonedgrace: (gone wrong)

Once there was boy who had vibrant glow
but as it goes, someone took it from him.
One day through the rain I heard him meekly moan,
he said
"Will you wrap your arms around me,
as I'm falling?"

Remember when we were all so beautiful?
Never Again
But since then we've lost our glow.

They said it hurt their eyes but he would never know,
that they were filled with regret as their own dissipated.
He said,
"I now feel more desperately alone
even though they wrapped their arms around me,
as I'd fallen."



poisonedgrace: (bunny!)

"Birdie in the hand
Part of life's rich demand
The insurgency began
and you missed it
I looked for it
and I found it
Myles Standish proud
congratulate me

A philanderer's tie
A murderer's shoe

Life's rich demand
creates supply in the hand
Of the powers
the only vote that matters

Silence means security
silence means approval
On Zenith
on the TV
tiger run around the tree
Follow the leader
run and turn into butter

Let's begin again
begin the begin

Let's begin again
like Martin Luther zen
The mythology begins the begin

Answer me a question
I can't itemize
I can't think clear
you look to me for reason
It's not there
I can't even rhyme
here in the begin
"


I had some things I had sorted out, that I wanted to try to write down.
For you.  For myself.
I've been trying to get them in some sort of order for several days now.
I keep failing every time.
It all always comes to me when I am driving.
I need an assistant to write things down while I drive.

Instead, I just wander in, disheveled, unkempt.
Carrying the tattered remains of Other People's Poetry (You down wit O.P.P.?  Yeah, you know me.)

The thing is...
The Thing, is that I am pulling this roller coaster bit where I keep slinging back and forth between complete opposites.
One moment I have this whole well laid set of Hopeful Things, organized for consumption and The Good Of All.
The very next minute, it falls into a scattered jumble of paranoia, distrust, feints and suspicions.
Some of that's real, and some of it is Just In My Head.  Even when I can pick out the difference, it doesn't really do a lot to help.

Maybe I am a hundred years too early.  Or a thousand years too late.

Even now.  In the course of trying to write this tiny pitiful bit, I have circumnavigated the Globe of Reason three times over.
Leaving a buried treasure of 8 pieces of my dwindling sanity on every shore.

A snowball of sleepy rolling down a mountain of fine powdery maudlin.

"We mounted up, he first and I the second,
  Till I beheld through a round aperture
  Some of the beauteous things that Heaven doth bear;

Thence we came forth to rebehold the stars."

poisonedgrace: (Default)



""Miss Demeanor"- a mistake,
A "Miss Hap"
Oh, I implore you
It's no Miss-tery I don't wanna know you
But Miss America, I can't ignore you!

You can't wipe out all our progress
With your little cotton ball
Slice and dice your face to perfection
Slip up a word and down you fall

Teeth are caped and lip-o-sucked
Hair is set and nose is contoured
Tummy's tucked and boobs are lifted
Uncross your legs your pantyhose shifted

Am I smiling enough?
Am I smiling too much?
Am I tucked in and buckled
Do my tits touch?
Hi how are you?
How high are you?
Less teeth and more tits
It's never enough

You'll never be good enough!

You got less teeth and more tits
What a bunch of hypocrites
Trying to change the world
Bonded tooth smile
Traveled so many miles
How you gonna change the world?

Yeah, I wanna see something else
Yeah, I wanna see something else!

You put the extra in ordinary
You add the minus to the plus size
You put the blues into my brown eyes
You put the turd into Saturday

You can't wipe out all our progress
With your little cotton ball
Slice and dice your ass to perfection
Slip up a word and down you fall

Am I smiling enough?
Am I smiling too much?
Am I tucked in and buckled
Do my tits touch?
Hi how are you?
How high are you?
Less teeth and more tits
It's never enough

You'll never be good enough!

You got less teeth and more tits
What a bunch of hypocrites
Trying to change the world
Bonded tooth smile
Traveled so many miles
What you gonna do now?

Something different and meaningful
That makes that smile not seem so evil
When that crown falls off your head
Will you still feel better off dead, girl?

I wanna see something else
Why won't you show me something else?
I want so much to see something else
Why won't you show me something else?"
poisonedgrace: (Default)




"Don't deny that sick feeling in your stomach
you can't run from it
Let it guide you into high view
then move beyond the summit
From peeks to valleys
speed through alleys
If it's done quick
you'll have time to find the caves
where days are never sunlit

Discover scriptures made
by a society of blind men
who suggest the best directions
where you most likely will find them
Dead set on checkmates
Embracing a chess set
When bedspreads get wet
they're left with the scent of death threats

In 7 seconds I'll become undone
I'm breaking through
If you're around by the time I reach number one
I'm taking you
You're not the traveling type?
Then hide your baggage better
Before you die a normal death
and write the average letter
about your internal furnace
and how life's a sexually transmitted disease
that you contracted through her kiss

When a boy writes off the world
it's done with sloppy misspelled words
if a girl writes off the world
it's done in cursive

I'm searching for a cure
This is a sickness
Can you hear me, love?

I kick the dirt for what it's worth
listening to the birds chirp
the same cryptic speech
the breeze speaks
and sea repeats
Recognizing the cycles
with every passing day
Writing full demands in the sand
'til the crashing waves wash it away

I watch what I say now but I hate it
Trying to make my mark
afraid of the dark nature of vague statements
that plague vacant parking lots
where shopping carts go uncollected
That sick feeling in my stomach
starts to leave my heart and soul infected

I won't accept it
Do my best to reject patterns 'til it hurts
Every second making bad turns for the worse
She's getting further away
I can feel it in the way my bones ache
The ocean sealed it's lips
now the waves won't break
The secrets it won't say
has got us trying to break codes in churches
and lately I've been hating its soul purpose

When a boy writes off the world
it's done with sloppy misspelled words
If a girl writes off the world
it's done in cursive

I'm searching for a cure
This is a sickness
Can you hear me, love?

Now I look for air pockets to pick
Walk with a stick
Start picking locks with it
Opening up heart-shaped lockets with little arguments
Tawdry trinkets start to split and contradict
those who say one thing but think the opposite

I bit the dust
Tongue kissing documents in a smoke stack
Faith is harder to swallow than pride
turning our throats black
I want my home back
I know that's not an available option
It's the way that I'm walking
in between a cradle and coffin
that just makes me pace myself.
If half the battle's done right
the other half won't take my health
while jacking my shadow's sunlight
to crack it open and find
the space between my breaths are desolate
Life is just a lie with an "f" in it
and death is definite
But after I scratched the surface
I never saw the calm before the storm act so nervous

When a boy writes off the world
it's done with sloppy misspelled words
If a girl writes off the world
it's done in cursive

I'm searching for her
Can you hear me, love?"
poisonedgrace: (Default)
 
  Dancing on that razor's edge again.  I don't like it here and I can never keep my balance.  Inundated with woe and gloom on every side.  I'm never good enough.  Never right.  Never enough.  So sick of being reminded of it.  So sick of having such a wide array of things that I need to protect my heart from.  So sick of everything being a lesson in defeat.

I try really hard to overcome.  I try to make the world how I would like for it to be.  I also do a great job.  I'm an awesome person and I am well aware of my time and I am aware that when I am gone, all that I will leave behind is the consequence of my actions.  I try to act accordingly.  I try to help people and do what's right.  I think I do a pretty good job of it too.

Sometimes I feel like I really fail hardcore though.  There is an impenetrable.... fucking... zetsubou surrounding the world.  It seems that no matter what I change about myself... no matter what or how much I improve...  The world just stays so ugly and intent on dragging me down.  I can't save the whole world, but I can't learn to stop trying.

And this isn't about anyone or anything specific.  I started thinking yesterday when I was driving back from my workshop session at The Mansion.  I thought more while I was standing in the shower.  In all likelihood, my thinking too much seeped out and affected everyone I came in contact with.  I don't know if it proves anything or not...

But I feel so vulnerable.  I feel like there are just so many things lurking and waiting to try to hurt me.

Standing in the shower, thinking of you.  And I wish I had known, the last time that I saw you, that it was going to be the last time that I saw you.  I don't know what I would have done different.  I was nicer to you than you deserved anyhow, I just...

There are unsaid and undiscussed things that can now never be said, and never be discussed.


And there's this entire iceberg of nonsense right underneath it all.  I'm constantly fighting to keep my own balance on this big razor tightrope act because I know right well that there's no safety net. 


"From the inside room
when the front room greeting
becomes your special book
it was simple then.
When the party lulls
if we fall by the side...

Will you be remembered?
Will she be remembered?

Alone in a crowd,
a borrowed lantern bartered
If I'm to be your camera,
then who will be your face?

I fell by your bed once
I didn't want to tell you
I should keep myself
in between the pages
of the green light room
if we fall by the side

Will you be remembered?
Will she be remembered?

Alone in a crowd,
a bartered lantern borrowed
If I'm to be your camera,
who will be your face?

I still like you,
can you remember?"



Even if I AM a lot more than others...  I am still just me.  I still have limits.

“Listen up.  Let me tell you something.  A man ain’t a goddamn ax.  Chopping, hacking, busting every goddamn minute of the day.  Things get to him.  Things he can’t chop down because they’re inside.”

poisonedgrace: (Default)
 
  Dancing on that razor's edge again.  I don't like it here and I can never keep my balance.  Inundated with woe and gloom on every side.  I'm never good enough.  Never right.  Never enough.  So sick of being reminded of it.  So sick of having such a wide array of things that I need to protect my heart from.  So sick of everything being a lesson in defeat.

I try really hard to overcome.  I try to make the world how I would like for it to be.  I also do a great job.  I'm an awesome person and I am well aware of my time and I am aware that when I am gone, all that I will leave behind is the consequence of my actions.  I try to act accordingly.  I try to help people and do what's right.  I think I do a pretty good job of it too.

Sometimes I feel like I really fail hardcore though.  There is an impenetrable.... fucking... zetsubou surrounding the world.  It seems that no matter what I change about myself... no matter what or how much I improve...  The world just stays so ugly and intent on dragging me down.  I can't save the whole world, but I can't learn to stop trying.

And this isn't about anyone or anything specific.  I started thinking yesterday when I was driving back from my workshop session at The Mansion.  I thought more while I was standing in the shower.  In all likelihood, my thinking too much seeped out and affected everyone I came in contact with.  I don't know if it proves anything or not...

But I feel so vulnerable.  I feel like there are just so many things lurking and waiting to try to hurt me.

Standing in the shower, thinking of you.  And I wish I had known, the last time that I saw you, that it was going to be the last time that I saw you.  I don't know what I would have done different.  I was nicer to you than you deserved anyhow, I just...

There are unsaid and undiscussed things that can now never be said, and never be discussed.


And there's this entire iceberg of nonsense right underneath it all.  I'm constantly fighting to keep my own balance on this big razor tightrope act because I know right well that there's no safety net. 


"From the inside room
when the front room greeting
becomes your special book
it was simple then.
When the party lulls
if we fall by the side...

Will you be remembered?
Will she be remembered?

Alone in a crowd,
a borrowed lantern bartered
If I'm to be your camera,
then who will be your face?

I fell by your bed once
I didn't want to tell you
I should keep myself
in between the pages
of the green light room
if we fall by the side

Will you be remembered?
Will she be remembered?

Alone in a crowd,
a bartered lantern borrowed
If I'm to be your camera,
who will be your face?

I still like you,
can you remember?"



Even if I AM a lot more than others...  I am still just me.  I still have limits.

“Listen up.  Let me tell you something.  A man ain’t a goddamn ax.  Chopping, hacking, busting every goddamn minute of the day.  Things get to him.  Things he can’t chop down because they’re inside.”

poisonedgrace: (red X)
_


I'm feeling the strange and stinging need to write something beautiful for you today.
And I don't know why.

I say this, even though no one will read it. 

The ones I find most beautiful sit, compacted upon the staggering weight of their own silence.
Yet, should I write about poop, indigestion, lolspeak, or other assorted base foolery, then stop the presses, because there's a line waiting to weigh in.

I'm not sure what that says about the world.

I want to tell you about worlds that never were, but could be.  I want to tell you how time is what we make of it, and how even our misery is beautiful because it's ours and our joy couldn't exist with out it.  I want to tell you about jogging around the block, and past the hidden secret of the church basement.  I want to tell you about running through the mall with the annoying parrot.  I want to tell you about sliding through levels and levels only to reach the ground again.  I want to tell you how when I made it back around the block, 4 months had passed for everyone but me.

But I wont.  Because I can't do anything any justice.  I can't make anything quite beautiful enough today.

I want to take you all under my broken wing.  I want to tell you it will all be OK, and everything will work out for the best.  But I don't have it in me to deceive you that way.  I'm not that much of a liar.  The thing is...  "It won't be alright, despite what they say."  And that, is the truth.  But that, also, is beautiful.  Irrevocably beautiful, because we are all, all of us, in it together.  To one degree or another. 

And it doesn't matter.  Because we are all going to die.  "We die one after the other Over and over"  You might not even see it, but this is beautiful too.

The reason it is beautiful, is because it makes what we actually HAVE here all the more precious.  Your LIFE.  Your TIME.  Your interactions with others.  Your choices, your decisions, your actions.  Those things define you.  They are your legacy.  Why would you spend the little time you have wanting to escape from the little time you have?  What a cold and fruitless life. 

Good or bad, live it fully.  Full steam ahead.  Why close it off or end it sooner?  That is a given, that WILL happen.  Spend the time you have exploring, singing, marveling at the beautiful and hideous things around you.  You will lose it all swiftly enough without hurling it from you even sooner.

Don't waste it with any method of sleeping through it all.  Don't waste it by trying to hold other people down and live their life for them (although more often than not, the holder-downers are trying to prevent it, not do it for).  Pointless struggle of vanity.  It's so obviously so.  You make a mockery out of all existence.

Share your ideas.  Share your thoughts and dreams and glory and sadness.  Your frustrations, your madness.  Share your music, your stories, yourself.  BECAUSE:  You are going to die.

Let me repeat that, because I am not sure that you have really understood it:
YOU ARE GOING TO DIE

Not "maybe".  Not "possibly".  Not "if". No "or". And no "but,".

So why spend what minuscule amount of time you're granted (and remember that even your small amount of time may be revoked at any moment due to [but not limited to]  Disease, Violence, Accident, Fate, Tillikum, or many other assorted issues) in a frantic scramble of making yourself miserable?  Or at least of like... being miserable over making yourself miserable.  Just enjoy that part too, because it'll be gone along with everything else.  This is all temporary!  All of it!

I know how frustrating it can be when something isn't going your way.  Or when like... nothing is.  I know how it is when someone (be it an individual person [your BF / Husband for instance] or a group of people [pick one, Homosexuals? Teabaggers? Muslims? Catholics?] just is not behaving in a way that you desire them to.  I constantly see the behaviour power struggle in human relationships and politics.  But really?  You know what?  You're gonna die, dude!  And so is that other person (or group of people as the case may be). 

And you know what else?  What in the world really seems THAT important once you truly accept that?  Does it really matter that Billy-Bob Boyfriend won't 'commit' and marry you?  If you enjoy being with him, then shut up and be with him.  If it's that big a deal, then replace him with someone who behaves in a way that better meshes with your ideals.  Because again, he's gonna die!  So are you!  It's beautiful that way.

I can see that certain political issues can matter more, because things like that, and those decisions and legacies can extend long past our lifetimes and affect countless people.  I can see where these things differ, and while yes, I AM simplifying this entire topic of "LIFE" to some degree, I am doing to to counterpoint how overwrought and needlessly complicated you're making it.  

But for example...  Seriously?  Who the fuck cares if gay folks get married?  Any sort of 'sanctity' involved in the idea of marriage ended when the Kings of England were chopping their wives heads off so they could get a new wife.  It ended when Divorce was instituted.  It ended when more than 5 or 10% of marriages ended in divorce.  You "religious" folks need to understand the difference between your own religious ceremonies and practices versus a legal, social and governmental contract.  I could rant about this, and get totally off topic, but instead I'm touching it very briefly, just to say:

If gay people are allowed to get married, or if they aren't... Guess what?  Either way... YOU ARE STILL GOING TO DIE!  Why don't you worry about your life before you're worried about what the hell people whom you will NEVER meet are doing?

I'm sure there are much more important things to worry about anyhow.  Like who got kicked off of 'American Singing Show' or what the fuck ever 'reality' piece of shit you humans are wallowing in this week.  Also, didn't Sally Brenda Nancy Smith Jones Johnson post a picture with a vague hint of cleavage on FaceSpace?  And OMG didn't her status change to 'is single' recently as well?!?!

*sigh*

Deaf ears, deaf ears.


This didn't end up being very beautiful at all, and I'm sorry for that.  You'll just have to accept my poorly written but well intended rambling nonsense.

Or not.  <3




_
poisonedgrace: (red X)
_


I'm feeling the strange and stinging need to write something beautiful for you today.
And I don't know why.

I say this, even though no one will read it. 

The ones I find most beautiful sit, compacted upon the staggering weight of their own silence.
Yet, should I write about poop, indigestion, lolspeak, or other assorted base foolery, then stop the presses, because there's a line waiting to weigh in.

I'm not sure what that says about the world.

I want to tell you about worlds that never were, but could be.  I want to tell you how time is what we make of it, and how even our misery is beautiful because it's ours and our joy couldn't exist with out it.  I want to tell you about jogging around the block, and past the hidden secret of the church basement.  I want to tell you about running through the mall with the annoying parrot.  I want to tell you about sliding through levels and levels only to reach the ground again.  I want to tell you how when I made it back around the block, 4 months had passed for everyone but me.

But I wont.  Because I can't do anything any justice.  I can't make anything quite beautiful enough today.

I want to take you all under my broken wing.  I want to tell you it will all be OK, and everything will work out for the best.  But I don't have it in me to deceive you that way.  I'm not that much of a liar.  The thing is...  "It won't be alright, despite what they say."  And that, is the truth.  But that, also, is beautiful.  Irrevocably beautiful, because we are all, all of us, in it together.  To one degree or another. 

And it doesn't matter.  Because we are all going to die.  "We die one after the other Over and over"  You might not even see it, but this is beautiful too.

The reason it is beautiful, is because it makes what we actually HAVE here all the more precious.  Your LIFE.  Your TIME.  Your interactions with others.  Your choices, your decisions, your actions.  Those things define you.  They are your legacy.  Why would you spend the little time you have wanting to escape from the little time you have?  What a cold and fruitless life. 

Good or bad, live it fully.  Full steam ahead.  Why close it off or end it sooner?  That is a given, that WILL happen.  Spend the time you have exploring, singing, marveling at the beautiful and hideous things around you.  You will lose it all swiftly enough without hurling it from you even sooner.

Don't waste it with any method of sleeping through it all.  Don't waste it by trying to hold other people down and live their life for them (although more often than not, the holder-downers are trying to prevent it, not do it for).  Pointless struggle of vanity.  It's so obviously so.  You make a mockery out of all existence.

Share your ideas.  Share your thoughts and dreams and glory and sadness.  Your frustrations, your madness.  Share your music, your stories, yourself.  BECAUSE:  You are going to die.

Let me repeat that, because I am not sure that you have really understood it:
YOU ARE GOING TO DIE

Not "maybe".  Not "possibly".  Not "if". No "or". And no "but,".

So why spend what minuscule amount of time you're granted (and remember that even your small amount of time may be revoked at any moment due to [but not limited to]  Disease, Violence, Accident, Fate, Tillikum, or many other assorted issues) in a frantic scramble of making yourself miserable?  Or at least of like... being miserable over making yourself miserable.  Just enjoy that part too, because it'll be gone along with everything else.  This is all temporary!  All of it!

I know how frustrating it can be when something isn't going your way.  Or when like... nothing is.  I know how it is when someone (be it an individual person [your BF / Husband for instance] or a group of people [pick one, Homosexuals? Teabaggers? Muslims? Catholics?] just is not behaving in a way that you desire them to.  I constantly see the behaviour power struggle in human relationships and politics.  But really?  You know what?  You're gonna die, dude!  And so is that other person (or group of people as the case may be). 

And you know what else?  What in the world really seems THAT important once you truly accept that?  Does it really matter that Billy-Bob Boyfriend won't 'commit' and marry you?  If you enjoy being with him, then shut up and be with him.  If it's that big a deal, then replace him with someone who behaves in a way that better meshes with your ideals.  Because again, he's gonna die!  So are you!  It's beautiful that way.

I can see that certain political issues can matter more, because things like that, and those decisions and legacies can extend long past our lifetimes and affect countless people.  I can see where these things differ, and while yes, I AM simplifying this entire topic of "LIFE" to some degree, I am doing to to counterpoint how overwrought and needlessly complicated you're making it.  

But for example...  Seriously?  Who the fuck cares if gay folks get married?  Any sort of 'sanctity' involved in the idea of marriage ended when the Kings of England were chopping their wives heads off so they could get a new wife.  It ended when Divorce was instituted.  It ended when more than 5 or 10% of marriages ended in divorce.  You "religious" folks need to understand the difference between your own religious ceremonies and practices versus a legal, social and governmental contract.  I could rant about this, and get totally off topic, but instead I'm touching it very briefly, just to say:

If gay people are allowed to get married, or if they aren't... Guess what?  Either way... YOU ARE STILL GOING TO DIE!  Why don't you worry about your life before you're worried about what the hell people whom you will NEVER meet are doing?

I'm sure there are much more important things to worry about anyhow.  Like who got kicked off of 'American Singing Show' or what the fuck ever 'reality' piece of shit you humans are wallowing in this week.  Also, didn't Sally Brenda Nancy Smith Jones Johnson post a picture with a vague hint of cleavage on FaceSpace?  And OMG didn't her status change to 'is single' recently as well?!?!

*sigh*

Deaf ears, deaf ears.


This didn't end up being very beautiful at all, and I'm sorry for that.  You'll just have to accept my poorly written but well intended rambling nonsense.

Or not.  <3




_

Untitled

May. 7th, 2010 03:07 pm
poisonedgrace: (Default)
_


The writing here lately...
Or rather the lack thereof...

It's been terrible.

And I'm just tiptoeing around this old castle like the ghosts have become real.

The future is a large and colourful map.  It could be anything.  It could lead anywhere.
But there are shadows and a lot of "Here there be tygers" along the way as well.
                                                                             It could be nothing.  It could be nowhere.


I feel, sometimes, a certain sort of embarrassment at not having anything better to write nor any more noble carriage of conveyance with which to express the fleeting inanities that I do have to share.  I feel myself a horrid, cumbersome brute of language, harshly stabbing at the keys and vomiting letters into hideous shapes with no particular form, meaning or finery.

I've been thinking a lot.  About Life, Fate, Magic, Reality and The Universe.
I can't claim to know what anything means, or how anything works or where it goes from here, from there, sooner, later, or eventually.
I can not fathom how things have some to be as they currently are, or imagine all the countless clockwork machinations that must surely have taken place in order to get them to this point.

I do not have a firm grasp on "right" and "wrong" in many senses.  I try to do the best I can for those around me and I try to live a life that does not thoroughly sabotage tomorrow.
Yes with every decision and every thing done, it potentially blocks another thing from coming to pass.  Every path taken leaves another, untaken and mysterious, winding through the dark forest.

Just because you end up on Jingyang Ridge in the dead of night forced to use your hands where hunters fail....  That does not mean that the other pass was, by necessity, any worse.  Not by a long shot.


I am trying to find a balance whereby one may:

Give Fully Of Ones Self
yet
Make No Promises
while
Yielding To Fate


To 'Give Fully Of Ones Self' is to do what is right.   To invest yourself in your art and your life.  To share of yourself with others without fear.  To live in the moment and take nothing for granted.  Recognizing the endless beauty of all that surrounds us.

To 'Make No Promises' because they are not ours to make.  One can not deliver Time.  One can not change the choices or the path of others.  One can not alter history or geography to suit desire. 

To 'Yield To Fate'  is almost a continuation of making no promises.  We can only ride the river where the current takes us, reacting appropriately and immediately to those things within our grasp.  The river starts in the mountains and ends in the ocean.  We can only see and influence a small arms length around themselves.


All we can do is make good choices here and now and hope that they lead to joy and salvation, in the same way that making endless bad choices always lead to misery and failure.  We can only do our best and hope to lay the groundwork and foundation to a brighter future.

But ultimately, we do not know!  We could all meet nice lovely young boys and get married and live happily ever after just as easily as we could die in a firey automobile accident. 


"Lie in the comfort of sweet calamity
with nothing left to lose
Like in the darkness
I'm slowly drowned to sleep
With nothing left to lose
Three tears I've saved for you

I'd retrace the steps that lead me here
But nothing lives behind me.
So I lie in this field
Bathed in the light that loves me
With nothing left to lose
Three tears I've saved for you

Will you be my?
Be my beloved?
Will you help?
Help me to get through?

Will you be my?
Be my destruction?
Will you help?
Help me to be through?"




_

Untitled

May. 7th, 2010 03:07 pm
poisonedgrace: (Default)
_


The writing here lately...
Or rather the lack thereof...

It's been terrible.

And I'm just tiptoeing around this old castle like the ghosts have become real.

The future is a large and colourful map.  It could be anything.  It could lead anywhere.
But there are shadows and a lot of "Here there be tygers" along the way as well.
                                                                             It could be nothing.  It could be nowhere.


I feel, sometimes, a certain sort of embarrassment at not having anything better to write nor any more noble carriage of conveyance with which to express the fleeting inanities that I do have to share.  I feel myself a horrid, cumbersome brute of language, harshly stabbing at the keys and vomiting letters into hideous shapes with no particular form, meaning or finery.

I've been thinking a lot.  About Life, Fate, Magic, Reality and The Universe.
I can't claim to know what anything means, or how anything works or where it goes from here, from there, sooner, later, or eventually.
I can not fathom how things have some to be as they currently are, or imagine all the countless clockwork machinations that must surely have taken place in order to get them to this point.

I do not have a firm grasp on "right" and "wrong" in many senses.  I try to do the best I can for those around me and I try to live a life that does not thoroughly sabotage tomorrow.
Yes with every decision and every thing done, it potentially blocks another thing from coming to pass.  Every path taken leaves another, untaken and mysterious, winding through the dark forest.

Just because you end up on Jingyang Ridge in the dead of night forced to use your hands where hunters fail....  That does not mean that the other pass was, by necessity, any worse.  Not by a long shot.


I am trying to find a balance whereby one may:

Give Fully Of Ones Self
yet
Make No Promises
while
Yielding To Fate


To 'Give Fully Of Ones Self' is to do what is right.   To invest yourself in your art and your life.  To share of yourself with others without fear.  To live in the moment and take nothing for granted.  Recognizing the endless beauty of all that surrounds us.

To 'Make No Promises' because they are not ours to make.  One can not deliver Time.  One can not change the choices or the path of others.  One can not alter history or geography to suit desire. 

To 'Yield To Fate'  is almost a continuation of making no promises.  We can only ride the river where the current takes us, reacting appropriately and immediately to those things within our grasp.  The river starts in the mountains and ends in the ocean.  We can only see and influence a small arms length around themselves.


All we can do is make good choices here and now and hope that they lead to joy and salvation, in the same way that making endless bad choices always lead to misery and failure.  We can only do our best and hope to lay the groundwork and foundation to a brighter future.

But ultimately, we do not know!  We could all meet nice lovely young boys and get married and live happily ever after just as easily as we could die in a firey automobile accident. 


"Lie in the comfort of sweet calamity
with nothing left to lose
Like in the darkness
I'm slowly drowned to sleep
With nothing left to lose
Three tears I've saved for you

I'd retrace the steps that lead me here
But nothing lives behind me.
So I lie in this field
Bathed in the light that loves me
With nothing left to lose
Three tears I've saved for you

Will you be my?
Be my beloved?
Will you help?
Help me to get through?

Will you be my?
Be my destruction?
Will you help?
Help me to be through?"




_
poisonedgrace: (Default)
One of those rare occasions where I don't have the capacity to really form the correct words for the multifarious swirling of .....stuff in my head.  Complex mixtures of joy, timidity, worry, contentment, fear, elation, suspicion & hope (ahh the Blessed and Bright Angels of Hope, always waiting to pee on your carpets). 

As nice as some things can be, it would also be really awesome if they could ever be remotely clear cut or simple.  There's always those nagging what ifs.  Always some degree of Li(f)e trying to twist the kittens into pulp.

General Generals in general who are looking to generally scramble things.  Generally speaking.  Or are we even?
Are we all already ready already?

Face value no longer equals the value of faces.
Supply/Demand.
Confirm/Deny?


Big things in my head.
How does it all work? 
How do you find the right balance?
"The journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step."  But what if you're starting it out in the wrong way, or take a wrong turn immediately?
Or forgot your pants!  OH MY GOD WHAT IF YOU FORGOT YOUR PANTS!

It seems in my life that there are no leisurely strolls where things come to pass and you see the sights and figure out how it all works.
It seems that the basic context of most things is either a sudden "Roll Initiative!" or I just suddenly find myself falling from the plane and searching frantically in hopes of a ripcord.

These aren't always bad things.

But I am very admittedly fairly gun-shy at this point.
and I think way too much.


"It's a Raymond Chandler Evening
At the end of someone's day
And I'm standing in my pocket
And I'm slowly turning grey

I remember what I told you
But I can't remember why
And the yellow leaves are falling
In a spiral from the sky

There's a body on the railings
That I can't identify
And I'd like to reassure you but
I'm not that kind of guy

It's a Raymond Chandler Evening
And the pavements are all wet
And I'm lurking in the shadows
'Cause it hasn't happened...





































yet."



poisonedgrace: (Default)
One of those rare occasions where I don't have the capacity to really form the correct words for the multifarious swirling of .....stuff in my head.  Complex mixtures of joy, timidity, worry, contentment, fear, elation, suspicion & hope (ahh the Blessed and Bright Angels of Hope, always waiting to pee on your carpets). 

As nice as some things can be, it would also be really awesome if they could ever be remotely clear cut or simple.  There's always those nagging what ifs.  Always some degree of Li(f)e trying to twist the kittens into pulp.

General Generals in general who are looking to generally scramble things.  Generally speaking.  Or are we even?
Are we all already ready already?

Face value no longer equals the value of faces.
Supply/Demand.
Confirm/Deny?


Big things in my head.
How does it all work? 
How do you find the right balance?
"The journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step."  But what if you're starting it out in the wrong way, or take a wrong turn immediately?
Or forgot your pants!  OH MY GOD WHAT IF YOU FORGOT YOUR PANTS!

It seems in my life that there are no leisurely strolls where things come to pass and you see the sights and figure out how it all works.
It seems that the basic context of most things is either a sudden "Roll Initiative!" or I just suddenly find myself falling from the plane and searching frantically in hopes of a ripcord.

These aren't always bad things.

But I am very admittedly fairly gun-shy at this point.
and I think way too much.


"It's a Raymond Chandler Evening
At the end of someone's day
And I'm standing in my pocket
And I'm slowly turning grey

I remember what I told you
But I can't remember why
And the yellow leaves are falling
In a spiral from the sky

There's a body on the railings
That I can't identify
And I'd like to reassure you but
I'm not that kind of guy

It's a Raymond Chandler Evening
And the pavements are all wet
And I'm lurking in the shadows
'Cause it hasn't happened...





































yet."



poisonedgrace: (Default)
_



I don't have much.  Just a small collection of images and moments, none of which make really good sense.

I was waiting in a long line, and eventually wend through large double doors into a hangar type building, huge and open.  It was the entry way to a "Haunted House".  The tour group consisted of random people including quite a few that I've seen around locally (and had FB or Myspace try to tell me I need to add) although I do not know them by name and have never spoken with them, they were visually familiar.

As we all proceeded into the room, there were a lot of people dressed up as zombies and what-have-you.  I knew a couple of them on an acquaintance level, but tried not to disturb them, since they were supposed to be working and scaring people and stuff.  That did not deter some of the other people in the group from it however.  I thought it was very rude.

After this entrance area, we passed into the maze of the Haunt proper.  I don't remember a lot about it.  Typical fare...   Dimly lit areas, flashing lights, goofy rubber things popping out.  I tried to strike up a conversation with a couple of the familiar faces that I didn't know.  In typical "subculture Austin TX style" that didn't really work so well, and I got the all too familiar "OMG, why is it talking to ME? Make it go away!" looks. 

I remember towards the end of the path, passing through a sort of 'hospital' part.  Seems like it was part regular hospital and part mental hospital.  There were a lot of props and some bloody (possibly zombie) type nurses who were menacing the folks.  Typical hi-jinks that you'd expect from such a place, so people reacted in the typical squealing and carrying on that seems to happen, and I reacted in my typical 'ho-hum, this is far too mundane and predictable to be "scary" way'.

Right before the end though, one of them got it right.  This one gorey nurse managed to slip up right behind me.  She didn't say a word. she just kept.... breathing on me.  Which was totally creepy.  I turned around and she had this maniacal grin (she was totally weird looking under all the makeup and gore too.  Some kind of Asian but really... singular looking.  I wish I could describe her in a way that made sense.  She was not unattractive in the least, but VERY strange looking ) and she said in this croaky voice "I'm going to take care of you reeeeeeal good!"  I grinned from ear to ear and replied "O NOEZ!  The cute zombie nurse is gonna get me!  Whatever shall I do?"  Whilst fanning myself in an over-dramatic southern-belle manner.  She grinned back, totally breaking character, and whispered "I'm off in 20 minutes, meet me at the exit."

She faded back into the shadows, and I followed my group out more double doors into a garden area with walkways, gift shops and art & stuff.  I wandered around for a long time.  Waiting forever.  Of course she didn't show up. 

Later I was in my car, in all these surreal locations, still waiting.  It was like somehow being in the car made all these various and distant locations become much more near.  And isn't that the truth of it?  Someone was with me as I was waiting.  Some guy I was supposed to have known long ago, only I'm not sure who he was really.  Everything was also much smaller while in the car.  It's hard to explain but being in there almost made the world into a 3D caricature of itself.  After a while of looking at various landmarks of my life, I got out and went into a building that was supposed to be the offices for the Haunted House thing.  I guess I was somehow persistent or something in this dream.

This was a sort of old rundown building, almost like a really old house.  I went into an office / room and waited.  For some reason there was a woman and her kid in there.  They were waiting to get "help with the kid's music career".  After a while, a guy came out of the office and he was supposed to be some big recording artist.  The woman and the kid started harassing him about helping them and were clearly making him uncomfortable.  The whole thing was kind of ugly.

I stood up and moved my hand across the guys eyes, horizontally and said "He can't help you, he's blind."  The guys face turned black & white and glowing, like an old movie, but only in a stripe where my hand had been.  I ushered him out of the office and left the woman and her kid in there.  I took him out of the building and he left.  I went back in to pee, and I woke up before I got out of the office bathroom.


___

Clanging jangles of jumbled nerves. 
Beauty swirling in my head like the voices of angels. 
Divine and Terrible. 
Tongues of fire that can kiss you dead.

Fluttering fearful nervous heart.
Beating softly as though it might give up on the next note.
Wishful and Moribund
Holding my breath forever avoids breathing my last.

___

Under blue moon I saw you
So soon you'll take me
Up in your arms
Too late to beg you or cancel it
Though I know it must be
The killing time
Unwillingly mine

Fate
Up against your will
Through the thick and thin
He will wait until
You give yourself to him


In starlit nights I saw you
So cruelly you kissed me
Your lips a magic world
Your sky all hung with jewels
The killing moon
Will come too soon



_

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