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I guess the hillbilly shit is dealt with for now.  It went about like I expected it to.  

I haven't been remembering my dreams, so there's none of those to share.

I found the coolest bit of inspiration.  If I win the lottery, I am going to buy this immediately:

In case the listing dies, I will share pics:
Cut for size and multiple pics )  And the text:
"This is a 1962 Studebaker sits on a 70 7K5 Blazer chassis everything you could imagine has been fully replaced and fully restored he sits on brand new 37 inch Toyo's on 20 inch XTs fox reservoirs all the way around. metal mulisha exhaust all brand new auto meter gauges brand new summit racing wiring and fuel cell every sealed bearing bushing has been replaced everything has been powder coated has a brand new small block 350 with a nice camp 350 tranny The body's been professionally done Linex and painted over this is a one-of-a-kind build every single head turns when you're driving down the road there is way too much to list your more than welcome to call for more details and pictures thank you."

poisonedgrace: (Default)
 Last night, I remember two different dreams.  I think there was at least another one, but I can't remember.
First, I was waiting in line to see an alien skull fossil thing.  Some guy had it, and they were doing a viewing at some tattoo shop.  You could buy replicas and souvenirs and whatever, but they were displaying the real thing.  I wasn't sure to believe it or not, so I wanted to see it myself, in person.  After making it through the line, I got to see it, and even hold it.  It was a skull, in a rock, sort of, fragmentary / fossil style.  Looked sort of like a human fetal skull, but larger, with some odd protrusions and stuff.  As I inspected it, I could not make up my mind if it was a fake or not.  I left with a little fist size replica of it, and continued to inspect it through the parking lot to a car, where I then drove around in the middle of the night, looking for food places that were open.

The next dream I had, there was some sort of big unstoppable creature chasing M'kali.  No one knew what it wanted or what motivated it, but she just kept running.  It had been chasing her for a long time, and it seemed like it was endlessly just about to get her.  She was running through some area with a lot of cloth hanging down, like laundry lines, trying sheets, but as far as could be seen, maybe down an alley or something.  She got far enough ahead to move to the side, and double back until it passed her, then she went to another place, but I don't know where.  When she came back to the world, the creature was down below where she came out.  It was laying at the bottom of a pond, fur sort of floating in the water.  She was asking someone about it (I don't know who it was, but they reminded me of my sister), and they told her that it had been dormant the entire time she was gone.  After she had been there a brief time, it started to stir and wake up.  It didn't take long before it was coming right towards her again, trying to get up where she was.  She contemplated leaving the world again, but obviously, she didn't want to leave forever, and that was a temporary solution at best.  She was coming up with some sort of plan, but I woke up.

Everything still completely smooth, so far.  
I ate too many tacos yesterday.
Today, after work, I am going by the grocery store, on a quest to buy all the halloween cereals.  I realized that in my life, I think that maybe, as a kid, I tried Frankenberry one time, but I have never gotten to try them all.  We were too poor when I was a kid, and sadly, it just never occurred to me until recently, that it was something that I have the power to remedy now.  Hopefully they are out already.  I saw some Count Chocula at Target, but they didn't have all 4, so I figured I would wait and go to a real grocery store.

Also going to buy a family size tater tots, and cook the entire thing in the deep fryer :D


Aug. 18th, 2017 12:12 pm
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I remember only a fragment of a dream last night.  I was at work, and nothing was going right.  My monitors kept falling over, my keyboard and mouse were sliding all over, the phone wasn't right.  Everything that could be was tangled together.  It was just a mess.

Aside from that, I don't really have much right now.
Things I know, spiraling about.  The past and the future, and I don't know that I understand linear time anymore.
The relief that it's the weekend (society, work) versus the tension that it's the weekend (will she behave, will we break up?) is making me very tired.  I'm going after work to buy some snacks, and then stopping up to pick up a really good pizza.  The Defenders premiers on Netflix today, so I am going to surprise her, and try to marathon it.  That's the best that I have in me right now, and if it ends up not going smoothly, due to her rage issues, or if she decides to start picking everything apart and starting shit externally, because she hates herself internally, then I am fucking done.  

I am still on zero tolerance mode.  However, I am not using that as an excuse to be mean or ugly, or to avoid.  Truth be told, I don't have any anger about it.  Just weariness.  I am looking forward to making a small surprise of it, and trying to have a nice time, but at the same time, I am so emotionally / concern fatigued, and mentally exhausted, that if it goes badly, whatever.  I move on.  I have gone above and beyond in this 'relationship'.  I have given until I am empty.  I have had the patience of a mountain range.  That's who I am.  If I am this worn down, you'd better believe that there are an overwhelming number of good reasons.

I guess my only real reason for talking about it here, is to help organize my thoughts and my insides, and to state it to myself plainly, so that I may hold myself accountable.  The only fiddly part, is going to be sure that I measure accurately.

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Last night I had this sprawling sort of dream that was like some march through sections of everyone that I have ever known sort of flashing by.  Like walking through a maze populated by... everyone or something.  I remember a few random instances of specifics, but most of it is vague, such as visiting people's homes, people visiting my homes, people meeting at the homes of others, or reunion type settings. I specifically remember being in a room with a group of people as waves if enemies entered.  All sorts of vile undead creatures and stuff, and we had weapons and tools and had to halt their progress.  I had done this a million times, and talked everyone through it.

I remember later, being at a sort of a mall or something near a river, and tons of people I have known were all over, waiting in lines and talking.  I was with a blond woman who had patched of metallic gold skin with rough texture.  She had a splash of it right across the middle of her face, and it could be blinding in the sun.  She didn't want to walk anymore, so I carried her, we were going somewhere specific, and could not be separated. 

There was a lot more to it, but I woke up.

Yesterday was more of the same.  I reach out into my life, and run my hands across the strings and I feel the trembling fragility of... everything.  Frail and shatterable, slowly decaying, even that has a certain kind of beauty.

Also, my folks are headed back to Canada on Friday. 

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Fucking rickety tracks, man.  Holes in the goddamn boat.  There's been an uptick in a behavior that really irked me in the past, and all signs indicate that it's going to ramp up and become a serious issue.  I am patient enough to wait and see, while hoping for the best, but I am not going to tolerate living that way, so she's gonna have to get it in order, or she'll catch a singling.  I can put up with someone's self loathing and insecurities, I understand, and I can be patiently helpful, but I will NOT play the villain in someone's LARP, based on how bad their fuckin EX was.  I don't put that shit on people, I am NOT that guy, I have NEVER been that type of person, and I will not take any of that shit being shoveled onto me.  There is a big firm line drawn this side of that particular pile of bullshit.

Last night, I dreamed that I was at the house of some guy that I had just met.  It is unclear if I knew him through school, or work or what, but he was a new person to me.  Also not someone I know in The Real, or even based on anyone.  We were just becoming friends, I guess, but I didn't yet know him too well.  He had two room mates, another guy, and a girl.  They were all nice enough.  A bit nerdy, and very 'normal' in most ways.  I was at their house a few times.  At some point, they invited me for dinner, and I stayed and ate curry and rice with them.  There was some issue with my friend's computer at some point (no details), and at some point, the girl was checking everyone for lice, and insisted on checking me, too, even though I kept explaining how unlikely that was.  I remember that at some point, my family and maybe some old friends had some bearing on the dream, but I don't remember details.

I have these roller-coasters of frustration and patience with life in general, but especially with this relationship shit.
I really don't understand why there even have to be any issues.  I mean, we literally have nothing to fight about.  We do not have children, we do not share finances, we do not have any issues with dishonesty or infidelity.  You know, all the things that 'normal' people fight about.  Those things simply do not exist for us.  But it seems that it's unable to go a significant span of time without there being some issue.  She can not see past her own poor self esteem, and she can not understand that just because she is constantly negative, and combative with herself does not mean that other people feel the same way about her.  Most of our issues are due to her projecting her issues with herself onto me.  She tells me that I don't like her, doesn't ask me, but TELLS me.  Totally regardless of my actions, my words, my attitude, etc.  Makes it up from scratch, a 100% fiction, and sticks to it as though her life depends on it.  And it can be anything.  She might tell me that I think she is fat.  Tell me that I am wanting to break up with her.  Tell me that I want (insert random person / type of person, or even someone like some random person here) instead of her.  She will tell me how stupid and ugly and horrible she is (which obviously, I do not agree with), and then go on to tell me how everyone thinks so, including me.  I feel like she writes entire scripts of the things I think and feel, without ever bothering to touch base with reality along the way.  I can say something, and she will, within 5 minutes of me saying it, flip it around to the complete opposite, and feed it back to me, informing me that it is my opinion.  Even directly pointing out that I said the complete opposite only 5 minutes ago has no effect on the situation.  I have been struggling with this for years now, and my patience is becoming frazzled.  You can only tell someone "this has to stop" for so long before it actually has to stop.

I guess it's a sign of my frustration (and that I am working to process it) by the fact that I am finally talking about it (even if it's just talking to myself in a shitty online journal), instead of bottling it up and looking away from it, while hoping it gets better.

I mean I guess ultimately venting is useless or whatever, but it feels like it can lift a burden to just say shit out loud and get it processing in your head.

Even if 'out loud' is just to an empty room, as it were...

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I dreamed last night of riding in different cars. I was a kid, and I got in a fight with my brother. But I don't remember details.

I've been realizing a lot of things lately. One of which is how I never *really* talk here any more...

A big part of my realizations, and eyes opening has been this whole thing with the chiropractor. It's made me look at my life a little differently. between that, and my GF dumping me (again) a few weeks ago... I've been doing a lot of thinking, about a lot of things

Oh yeah, she's dumped me about 10 times now... it's a long story, but basically, she has a lot of issues with PTSD and other even worse things. She is her own worst enemy, and has a terrible relationship with herself. So when her self hate builds up and she is unable to check it, it spills out into the form of attempting to sabotage her life, of which, of course, I am a big part.

So occasionally, she does this whole thing where she dumps me. I keep trying to explain to her that I am not a yo-yo, and that some things are just off the table as far as 'things you can do to cope with your issues.'

It's not fair to someone else (in this case, me), especially someone who cares and tries to help you, to do them like that. It's not something you can employ as a 'reset button' to blow off your rage, you know?

This time around, we had a reeeeally serious talk about it. I mean... we have had them before... numerous times... But...

But I am going to give it one last chance.

Its hard to tell how it the talk went... I know she listens, and I know she wants to do better...

It's the classically bi-polar thing where when she is doing well, it's not bad... but, it will eventually cycle, and then who knows if any of the previously earned progress will stick or not.

Frankly, I fear that it wont last. It's just a matter of how long. Not that i won't give it my best shot, mind you... I guess I have been afraid for a long time though, that it won't be sustainable in the long run.

I guess I am just hoping to help as much as I can, while I can, before I can't any more.

But all linked back to the chiropractor and where I was going with this...

I feel like over the recent years, I have become this.... thing.

Internally and externally, a hunched over withdrawn, twisted ...thing.

I didn't used to be like this. I am so beaten down from the struggle (not just relationship wise, but with the whole world). It's affected me in every way, and I didn't see it very well, until i saw the physical ways, at the chiropractor. The x-rays were awful, and now that I am straightening out a bit, I can tell such a big physical difference.

I am already standing straighter, and I feel like i am coming un-shriveled a bit. More like I used to be.

Like I said, it's not just the relationship thing, the whole world has been so dark and ugly, and the more I have been becoming awoke to it all... it's just been a lot of stuff, beating at me, you know?

I used to be this open light, standing tall and unafraid and just openly strange, I guess you could say...

But now, it's all work disguises and hiding and not interacting...

That all coupled with the relationship issues... it's taken a toll. With my straightening neck and spine, I am making an effort to straighten the rest of me as well, and stop rolling up into a ball.

I believe that I have been staying because I believe that it can be better for her, and I want her to learn that, too. She has had an unbelievably shitty life, and no one has ever tried to show her anything better.

Even if the long term for us is not 'a thing' (and I have been afraid for a long time that it won't be), I STILL want her to grow and learn, and see that there is more to life, and other things besides the bad stuff.

This is weird for me, because I have gotten to the point where I never talk about this stuff, or much of anything 'real'. I guess that was part of it, too. I just got so closed in that I couldn't even talk about anything anymore.

I want to stop that, too.

Turning into a little lump of coal is no way for me to go on.
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Last night, I had a dream that a friend of mine was working at the same office as me. She had come by my desk upset because her manager put her desk near the washing machine, and was giving her trouble because she was bringing a monkey to work. The monkey was her adopted son, and he was still a baby, and needed constant care. He was tiny and furry and cute. At my desk, I had a sort of small creature that was connected to me almost like a weird Muppet / marionette or something. It was a separate entity, but a permanent extension of myself at the same time. I had not been getting along with it.

We all (myself, and my creature, my friend and her monkey) all took a ride with a third party on our lunch break. I was concerned about not being back in time, and getting in trouble for being late.

That's all I remember of that one. It ended with us riding in the other person's car.

The next one started with me riding in a car, but was not related to that one. I was being driven by someone I didn't know, but it was just me in the car. The place we were going looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't get any answers from the driver. We came to a house that also seemed familiar, and the driver put me out and left. As I walked up towards the door, I knew that I had been here as a child. I knocked and the door opened so I went inside.

As I got in there, I realized that I had been to this place repeatedly as a child. Some of my parent's good friends had lived here, and we had been quite close to them in my youth. As my mind was filling in all these gaps, and struggling to connect memories, and align this broken down worn place with what it had been many, many years ago, I heard movement from the back.

I cautiously went into the living room, and found our old family friend. In an award winning 'dreams are weird and make no sense moment', this guy was a big old man, much aged since my (fake / dream) youthful memories, but recognizable. He was big and round and hairy and old. He was supposed to be James Howe, the famous children's book author (whom I have absolutely no idea what the real guy looks like, and I'm not going to look it up, either).

I asked him if he remembered me, and he said of course, and we began talking. We talked about how our families used to spend so much time together, and how his daughter and myself were so close as kids. At the same time we were having these discussions, I was experiencing vivid "memories" of the events in the past. We talked about a lot of stuff, and finally, the conversation came around to his most famous book, 'Bunnicula'. The book, apparently had been secretly based on a true story, and at the end of a discussion/memories about the events back when I was a kid, I asked what had ever happened to the rabbit. He took me outside and told me to wait a moment.

On a trail, coming from the back of the house, a woman was approaching. As she got closer, I recognized her as the grown up version of his daughter from my childhood memories. I was excited to see her because we had been so close. She was walking slowly, and as she got close, I could see that she had a leash in her hand. On the ground, walking beside her, was Bunnicula. Unchanged in all these years. I looked at Mr Howe and said "so the rabbit really was a vampire, then?" "Oh yes", he replied.
And then I woke up.


Went back to the chiropractor yesterday. Now I am scheduled for 3 months of treatments. The xrays showed a problem with where my neck connects to my skull, another problem in the spine between my shoulder blades, and shows that standing straight, one of my collarbones, / shoulder areas sits about 1 inch higher than the other side. He says he can work it all out, it just takes time.

So now my entire savings (hoping to save and pay off some bills) is gone, and I am several hundred dollars in debt on top of that, but hey, at least I have this sketchy treatment paid for that may or may not accomplish anything. Everyone who has been to a chiropractor before swears by them, but this is new to me, and I am not well off enough to throw money around.

I am trying to tell myself that I made the right decision, and that it will be good 3 or 4 months from now when it's better, etc etc...

Depression is a real bastard though. So is poverty. So are other people.
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Dreamed last night about having to watch these horrible children. It was all over the place, too. One part was at a house I have been to before, in dreams. Part of it was at a weird mall place, and then part of it was at a second house. The dream had everything from weird giant cheese sandwiches, to guys driving past, threatening to beat me up for being weird, to one kid pushing another down the stairs. Repeatedly. I remember random little details, but I don't know that it makes much of a narrative.

Did I talk about the kittens? Zero Bobcats. That was disappointing. Since she was a stray, and became preggers at a state part with a lot of bobcats, I was hoping for the best. What we ended up with is 1 pink, 1 yellow, 1 red, 1 light/grey tortie, 1 silver, and 1 dark/black tortie. They all have long bodies, long legs, and really long tails. They were born on Sunday. I petted every single one of them yesterday.

Aside from that (or, including that, you be the final judge), everything is basically shitty garbage.

I am honestly feeling (at the moment, the larger moment however, I suppose...) that I have absolutely no idea why I am bothering to exist.
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"the more stress a diamond is under, the greater it shines"
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Last night I dreamed that I was in a huge book store. I had a giant ancient bible, written in English and Gaeilge, I was trying to chase down a clerk in the store, and read aloud the book of genesis as Gaeilge, and she was not having it.

That's about all I remember of it.

I guess this is all my brain's way of remind me that I have been lax in my language lessons lately.
Gotta get back on that.

Got in a flywheel cover for the project. Of course, it doesn't fit correctly. But I didn't expect it to. apparently the 700R transmission came in several configurations, and you can only get covers for the 'car' version. I have a mid 80's truck frame, with a larger engine than most, so the sizing, proportions, and bolt pattern are off. It's nothing that I can't make fit with a little bit of creativity. I will hammer it into shape, and then force the corner bolts to match, and maybe drill a couple of holes for the mid bolts if need be.

One tiny step at a time, until everything is paid off, then it'll be Tool Explosion and getting it done in a hurry.
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I had several dreams last night, but I only came back to The Real with one of them intact enough to quantify. I was living in some place that was largely empty. It was kind of like a squat, but slightly more safe and nice than most. An empty room, with one small plug-in light on floor level, and some blankets to bed down in.

Three other people were there with me. I was very tired and sleepy, and trying to arrange my blanket so I could sleep. One of the girls put her blanket beside mine. She was tall and had curly yellow hair. She was kind of Tetris'd in at an angle, but this seemed normal for how things were done. Before long, another one came along, and arranged her blanket, also Tetris'd with the others. I have no memory of what she looked like. All this going on kept waking me up and I didn't like that.

After another period of time, the third and final one came along. She was shorter, and had straight dark hair. A couple of them got to whispering and I was sort of in a half sleep, but eventually they woke me up, and told me that I had to go and buy popcorn for one of them. The one with the dark straight hair was very insistent about this, but the popcorn was not for her. Maybe for the blond? I'm not sure.

I got up and got dressed and went out. Outside, the environment was sort of like... I don't know, I guess sort of like pictures that I have seen of Venice. Everything was waterways, with sidewalks and foot bridges. The places (shops, buildings, whatever) were all right there, coming out of the water. Nothing I would really call a 'road' anywhere. There were a lot of street vendors, and tons of people all over. Thick crowds. I don't know if I have ever had a dream that had so many people in it. All kinds of people, too.

I navigated the crowds, and made it to a street vendor with a pushcart who was selling popcorn. It was late at night, even though the whole area was well light and busy. I guess he was towards the end of his day / sales cycle, because he only had a bit left, compared to the massive amount of fresh popcorn he seemed to usually have. I ordered a large one, which ended up being nearly 18 dollars.

While all this was going on, some sketchy guys started hanging around being suspicious. The popcorn guy said that he would give me my popcorn for free if I stayed until they left. I didn't have much money, so I agreed (JFC, I am poor even in my dreams :( lol). I stayed right near the cart, waiting, and kind of pacing around. I looked into the water, and it was filled with strange animals. All kinds of weird fishes and eels and nudibranchs and lord knows what else. I watched a turtle who had a jack-o-lantern for a head swim around and adorably bite things.

After a bit, it seemed like the guys were not going to leave, so I stood a little closer to them, between them and the cart. They started trying to bully the popcorn guy, as well as myself. Just short of outright robbing him, but obviously trying to intimidate us. I could never suffer a bully, so I just kept making the situation more and more loud, until the crowd started to take heed. The guys got more and more nervous, and eventually ran away. That's
about when I broke up. Hopefully those weird Brides of Dracula are not too mad about not getting popcorn.

After work yesterday, I just disengaged from life as much as possible. I went home, petted the cat, ate leftovers, and then just stayed in my room until time to go to work this morning. I guess it helped some. I don't feel AS bad about life today, but I also don't feel a whole lot better, either.

I guess there's nothing to be done for it though.

Fooling around and buying a couple of things that I really shouldn't have, plus the surprise trip to Houston on Sunday has my financial situation a lot worse than it was. I need to get more willpower when it comes to not buying stuff ahead of time. I still have money in savings, but not as much as I did. Gonna try to get it built back up asap. It will be better after I get paid on Friday, and then, by the end of April, or the start of May, it should be fully back on track. And hey, at least I did get a few things that I need, etc. That's the point of having a savings, I guess. For emergencies, and the occasional other stuff. Just need to be sure I stay right with it.

I have to get the maintenance done on my car really soon, so that's going to cost however much :/
Not sure when I will have time to do it.
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I don't even know where to start with this entry...

Friday, after work, I learned that...

1. My GF's ex GF passed away.
She was on a waiting list for a liver transplant (diabetes) and had health issues. Of course the total lack of health care for poor people in the US didn't help any.

2. My ex GF's GF was killed by the police.
Last Wednesday apparently. Austin police shot and killed her in south Austin. The identity of the victim was not released until Friday, so that's when I found out. I knew her. Not super well, but she was always nice and polite and funny. I liked her. She had spent time at my house. Hell, she had even come to family dinner at my mom's before. My brother had tattoo'd her. I just keep thinking about the day she bought a puppy in the Walmart parking lot, and I held the adorable sleeping thing in my palm for like 2 hours. I'm sure my ex is devastated. But she's so odd and emotionally... weird... that it's hard to tell. I reached out, and let her know that the family is here for her, but I doubt that I will hear much from her, because that's her way.

On Sunday, I drive my GF to Houston for the family gather / viewing thing or whatever for her ex.
Very emotional and strange experience. I don't really have words for it.

Didn't make it home until late, and back at work again early this morning.
Fueled by do-nuts and fruit punch.

I don't really know what to say outside of just putting up these very basic and very simple facts.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Had a dream last night about being back on the old property again for some reason. My mom's brothers were up to some shenanigans or the other, and had a lot of sketchy vehicles coming and going. Some Scooby-Doo villainry or the other. So we were going to drive over there and see what was what.

For some reason, my dad was there (you can always tell that it's going to be a nightmare when...) and we drove over in some old bronco or some type of 4wd thing he had. It was him, & me, & Cam, and some other people who I am unclear on. We went across the fields, and over in the corner of the other property, they had some area marked out and watered heavily, to make a mud field, and there were some guys in limousines doing do-nuts out there. Not sure what all that was about. We turned and headed towards the road from there, and went past some sort of pond / pool area that had been carved out.

We stopped to look at this mess. Part of it seemed to be some strange redneck swimming pool, and another part of it seemed to be stocked with carp and whatever. The fish were friendly and hungry, so they came right up to us. The part with the fish was built above ground, and the sides were glass or plastic or something. It went a bit above the ground, and there was a hole in the glass, so you could reach in. Thanks to dream physics, the water just formed a wall that you could reach through, rather than running out the hole.

I reached in, and pulled a fish out to examine. After a couple of seconds, I stuck him right back in. As we goofed around with these fish, and this vertical water situation, a massive knot of toys and junk floated over to where we were. It was a lot of little plastic green army men, similar plastic 'cowboys and Indians', dinosaurs, mermaids, my little ponys, rubber snakes, a jump rope or two, just a bunch of junk that kids would leave behind at a pool or whatever.

As this tangle of toys washed up near us, the fish moved on a bit. I noticed that among the knot of jumbled toys, that some of the rubber snakes were not painted bright, garish yellows, oranges and greens, like they typically are, but several of them were not only realistic looking, but were also opening up their little cobra hoods, and getting ready to strike. I tried to tell everyone to look out, and I moved away from the water. Of course, my dad didn't listen to me, and dismissed what I was saying as though I had no idea what I was talking about. Consequently, one of the nasty little cobras came right out of the vertical water wall, and skipping everyone else lunged all the way across the vehicle, and bit my hand.

He latched on good. I managed to get him pulled off with my other hand. I tried to hang on to him so we could present him at the hospital so they would know what bit me, and how to fix it. There was a lot of screaming as the wad of toys, and several other snakes started falling out of the pool, both into and around the vehicle. It was chaos. I was fighting with the snake that bit me, trying to not get bit again. I was calling out for help, and a belt to wrap around my arm to stop the venom from spreading, and trying to get taken to the hospital immediately. Cam had a pair of scissors or something from somewhere, so he cut the snake's head off, so it wouldn't bite me again.

Of course, during the greatest moment of the crisis, my dad was more focused on blaming everyone else, rather than actually doing anything to solve it. He was so busy calling out about how it wasn't his fault, and he had no way of knowing (never mind the fact that I straight TOLD him) and generally trying to twist the situation into one wherein HE was the victim. So basically it was exactly how it would have been in real life.
I got so mad, that I woke myself up from talking in my sleep. That was probably an hour or so before my alarm went off this morning, and I wasn't able to get back to sleep.

Dreaming about him always sucks, but I will take this kind over one of the dreams about him coming in my room to attack me in my sleep. It's amazing how surviving abuse can still affect your life so many years later.

I guess the weekend ended up with a mix of good and bad.
The good ended up being a somewhat last minute road trip. The household took the Tesla down to Fredericksburg, TX. I had never been before. It was a German settlement however many years ago when Texas was a baby, so they still have a heavy German influence in a lot of things, which I am also sure that they ham up for tourists.

It was fun, we saw about 1/2 of the main town area, and I think everyone would like to do it again eventually, and see the other half.0

The bad side of the weekend is that apparently, even simple communication is hard. I say 'hard' which is a word which here means "impossible for some people to initiate, under any circumstances, and outrageously difficult for them to even respond to when it is initiated by another, and put right in their lap, fully diagrammed, and made as simple as possible to respond to."

I really do try, continually, to focus on the positive things, and to keep relatively quiet about the other things. For several reasons. Chiefly among them, being that I get it. I understand. I really, honestly do.

But sometimes, I just get so tired, and feel so old, and feel like... Well I don't even know anymore.

Whatever. I guess we will see.
Not like I ever had the audacity to really expect much of anything from life anyhow.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Last night, I Dreamed.

Ní thuigim. Tá an iomarca. Mar sin féin tá sé tábhachtach.

Bhí mé sa teach. Thug mé cuairt anseo roimhe seo. Mar a shiúil mé tríd an spiorad conairí dorcha tháinig chugam.

Bhí sí beag agus bán. Bhí sí fuar. Shroich sí amach agus i dteagmháil léi dom. Sa domhan. Rugadh í.

Líonadh le saol. Bhí a fhios agam é. Bhí mé ag fanacht. Tá cónaí uirthi go deo. Mo inchinn agus mo chroí líonadh agus iomlán.

Bhí sí ina Cailleach Feasa. Bhí sí ina Bandia. Bhí sí mo bhean chéile. Bhí sí ag dul go dtí deireadh an domhain. Bhí mé ag dul chun cabhrú léi.

Ghlac mé léi i mo lámha. Mé tar éis fanacht céadta bliain. D'iarr mé uirthi cad a tharla ar chor ar bith. Dúirt sí go raibh sé in am. Anois, tá sé in am. Anois is féidir léi teacht abhaile. Anois is féidir liom eitilt.

An comhartha a tháinig. Ní fhéadfadh sí a pórú. Ní féidir liom pórú. Ach tháinig an draíocht. Mo leanbh taobh istigh.

Chuir sí chugam a bhogadh na nathracha as an mbosca draíochta. Eitil mé go dtí an barr. Rinne mé sé le feiceáil. D'oscail mé an bosca, agus na nathracha tháinig amach. Taobh istigh sa bhosca a bhí uirlisí feithimh.

Bheadh ​​gach duine a tháinig cabhrú deireadh an domhain. Le tine agus troid. De réir draíochta agus cruach. Leis an solas agus an dorchadas.

Thug mé na huirlisí.

Eitil mé sa spéir le mo Cailleach Feasa mo bhean chéile mo ghrá go deo.
Ba mhaith leis an domhan ar fad a stopadh.

And I woke up.
And my heart aches.
And I love you, forever and ever and ever, across all the worlds that ever were and ever shall be.
And I lie waiting, just waiting, for my time to come.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Got my title switched over. Gotta wait 2 - 4 weeks for the mail-out.
There is a hold thingy on the VIN since it was last registered out of state. I have to figure out how to get that squared away. It's a little more complicated since it is an antique vehicle, that needs work. I have a couple of follow ups planned on it so I can get a plan figured out.

Been gathering info on learning to weld.
I think I have the research and answers that I need in order to take steps. Really excited about that, because it has been a goal for so long.

I feel so good about all this. Like I am making good decisions for my life and I will be learning and creating wonderful new things.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
OK, things actually went pretty well this weekend.

I made the calls, went out and met with the people.

I talked them down from their starting price to a price a little less than 53% of what they were asking originally.

AND I got them to throw in free delivery.

So, I now own my dream car.

I have a Mad Max style Post-Apocalyptic Muppet Movie 1951 Studebaker 4x4.

So, there we go.
Now, I can learn a lot of new things. And it's not like I can really fuck it up while I learn.


Plus, when the Trumpacalypse finally arrives... I will ride eternal, Fozzy & chrome, across the wastelands.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Last night I dreamed that I was traveling with my family. I don't know if there had been a genuine apocalypse of some kind or if the world had just experienced some degree of going to shit. Pretty much everything was hostile. There were killers and snipers, and mutants or aliens or something. All I know is that they just didn't look or act right.

I had to protect everyone by shooting the bad guys. I accomplished this by means of some strange power that I had. I could take any citrus fruit, as long as it was relatively fresh. Then I had to poke a hole all the way through it with my finger. Then, I could put pretty much anything into the hole... a rock, a small piece of wood, a marble, whatever. Then, I raised the fruit up to my mouth, and blew into the hole like a blow-dart gun thing.

The item that had been shoved in would speed out like a bullet, and get people. It had a silly long range, and seemed to be deadly accurate. I remember a point where we were walking across a bridge type thing, and there were monsters rushing at us every which way, and other ones up in towers with sniper rifles. I walked along behond my step-dad, and someone just kept hanginf me pebbles, and I kept blowing them through this big orange, and taking out enemies over and over.

That's about all I remember of that one.

The next dream might as well have been a continuation of that one, but it had a distinct feeling of being different. It was deffinitely a post-apocalyptic world. I was wandering around with one, maybe two other persons, and we were scavenging and trying to survive. I didnt have any weird powers in this one, but I did have a slingshot and a big bag full of nuts and bolts to use as ammunition. I don't remember any details of this one in particular. Just dry dustyness and being really filthy and gross.

Finally got all my parts in for my PS4 controller that was not working right. I had already taken it apart, so I got rid of the sticky parts and put in the new ones last night. Got it all reassembled, and everything seems to be working well. I love it when a project works, and something actually gets fixed! Hopefully it holds up. Plus now it is all awesome and orange and green and black, Halloween style. Win/win.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Another sprawling sort of dream last night. I was with a friend from high school. We used to be really close, but you know how it goes over the years. Recently I quit being friends with him all together, due to his tragic slide into an awful and hateful religious cult, but I am off topic now... Anyhow, in this dream, we were supposed to be traveling to some distant place (which I think I have been to in other dreams, before) and going to a store to obtain some weird Warhammer miniature (apparently even my dreams are fucking nerdy).

We were driving in an old truck that my friend used to have, but it was apparently modern times, because he was married, like he is now, and he suffered from his strange religious delusions. He insisted that the best way to get there, was to drive the truck on the train tracks, instead of the road. He said that he gets everywhere in this way now, also because of his religious nonsense.

Of course, as we rather blindly drive down these train tracks, I had a lot of questions (this dream is clearly all a rather simple analogy for religion and life choices) about what do we do if a train comes. He didn't know. Even though he had been doing this for some years now. I asked him if he was just able to quickly drive off of the tracks, in order to let a train pass. He didn't know. So I had him test it to be sure we could save ourselves. I asked him why he was on the tracks in the direction of an oncoming train, instead of on the other tracks, so we would have the train coming up behind us, thus giving us more chance for safety. He didn't know. So I had him move to the other tracks. I asked him what he would do if he was on a bridge and a train was coming. Of course, he didn't know.

I also operated a spotlight out of my window, as it was night time, and we were in spooky forested areas, and sometimes driving through caves and stuff. After a good slow while of all this, the tracks curved, and went through someone's yard, and through an opening, and into a giant mansion. As we drove through the mansion, all kinds of things were going on around us, like some elaborate Disney World ride.

I saw all sorts of people, running around, doing things. Holidays happened as we drove past. a ferret the size of a cow ambled across the tracks and into a bedroom, followed by carousing children. We went through a study, occupied by a distant, inattentive father, sitting at a desk, never noticing the rest of the stuff going on. I'm sure it was a reflection of my thoughts on the organization of the universe or something. Eventually, the tracks curved, and put us back out on the main line again.

After a little while, he stopped the truck, right on the tracks and got out. He said that we needed to walk a mile to CostCo because he needed something. I asked why he didn't just drive the truck there. He just sort of blinked a few times and said that he always did it this way. I asked about moving the truck off the tracks so it wouldn't get hit by a train. He said he always just left it there.

So, we started walking. I took the spot light with us, but I somehow broke it on the way. I was going to get parts to fix it at CostCo.

Somewhere along the way, the dream either ended, or shifted, because the next thing I can remember...

I was at some sort of festival. It was part Post Apocalyptic / Wasteland, and part Horror themed.
I was driving a vehicle along with a bunch of other attendees. We were going somewhere specific, but it's all hazy. Sometimes the vehicles were like regular cars, sometimes they were tiny cars (like Big Wheels or something) and sometimes they were bicycle things or something. Following along, I turned to the right, behind the people in front of me, and suddenly we were all in a bank lobby.

The vehicles had become tiny (like the size of a loaf of bread) because we could not use them in there. We took them outside to a parking lot area to leave them. this area was filled with weird stuff, and as I looked for a place to put my tiny vehicle, it had already turned into a medium sized dog. It was well behaved, and on a leash. I was looking, instead, for a safe place to put the dog.

I almost put him near a weird statue, but there was a fire kind of close to that, and I wasn't sure it was safe. There was another area that housed like a sort of huge bonsai tree. It looked like a bonsai tree, but the pot was the size of a bathtub. I was going to leave the dog there, but there was something nearby that he wasn't supposed to eat, and he might not be safe.

As I continued looking, among what appeared to be a bunch of either Romani wagons, or Pikey caravans, all very bright and pretty, which seemed to be involved with this event I was attending, a guy came along and started talking to me. He was ranting and raving about some different musical groups who were going to be performing at the event. He was complaining about how their old stuff was so much better, and more original, and why that was, and the internal conflicts of the band members, and this was a great, detailed, and involved bunch of stuff he was saying, and more and more people came to listen. I just wanted to find a safe place for the dog,
but I woke up.

We got confirmation that my folks are going to be getting their new car this month. It's finally off of the assembly line, and they just have to wait for an indeterminate delivery. that will be good, it's been kinda rough for them not having a car at all for the last month or two. Their lease was up on the old one, and they were deciding what to do next, and when they finally decided, it's taken this long for everything to process, etc.

They're excited, and I am happy for them. they plan to go on a road trip not long after they get it. My step-dad can finally go see his father on a regular basis, which is great for them all.
I am going to cat-it for them while they are gone. Poor old kitty needs meds 2 times a day or something, so that will be fun. I also plan to take a long hot bath in their huge garden tub while they are away :D

So... SOMEONE spilled something sticky on my PS4 controller. It was already always acting kind of weird before that happened... But now, it's even worse. It makes a clacky sound and pops when the buttons are pushed, because the stickiness tries to keep them stuck in the up positions. I only had the one, so I didn't wanna take it apart or anything to try to clean inside. Wiping it down externally several times didn't help.

So, I ordered a new one on Amazon. It got delivered. So then I watched some youtube videos about how to take the old one apart. I did that, and I should be able to clean it up and reassemble it, and hopefully it's all good. I also ordered some replacement buttons as well, so once those come in, I will get everything cleaned up and reassembled with new color parts and stuff. Beats just throwing it away, and I get to learn to do something new as well. :D :D

I really should stop by the store on the way home from work today, and pick up a couple of things. I wonder if I will actually manage to do it though.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
There were a lot of dreams last night, but I only remember a little bit. I remember working on some weird art car, and I was really happy with the way it was going, even if I did not fully know what I was doing.

Another fragment that I recall was set at my Aunt's old house, and my exgf's family was living there, and one of my co-workers was hanging out over there with them. I was trying to pet some cats, but everyone kept bothering me.


Not much to say beyond that, I suppose. I logged out of FB again. Didn't delete it this time, but I am def not going back until after the US election cycle ends. I just can't anymore. The Season Finale of America has just gotten so ugly that I can't take any more of it. All the regular ongoing ugly mess is bad enough, but that shit-show is just like a toxic icing on a poop-cake and I just need to not look at it for a while. Again. I find that I seem to be deleting / avoiding it as much, if not more, as I use it... And it's not that I have bad friends or shitty people on there at all. It is literally just the news cycle itself. I really hope that the awful tones down a bit after the election ends.

Sometimes, I just feel like Captain Hook, constantly twitchy and nervous, listening for that tick-tock crocodile. Around every corner, behind every bush, waiting between every word. It didn't used to be like this. I guess it's another Measuring Tool for me. Message.
I wonder if it's not even the 'bad moments' that wear me out...
I wonder if it's knowing that they are circling back around again, and the stress that causes during the regular or good moments...

My absolute dream car is STILL listed on Austin CL. It's come down a chunk in price, and now also says "OBO". I want it so bad, it's a shame I don't have the fluid assets to be able to get it :(
poisonedgrace: (Default)
My weekend:


Saturday night, I dreamed that I had to babysit a little boy, probably 8 to 10 years old or so. I had to watch him over night. At some point, a ghost came to get him, and I had to protect him from the ghost. The ghost was throwing stuff around and acting an ass on the opposite side of the room. You could tell where it was, because there was an active little center where stuff was moving around and whatever. I had a really flimsy plastic whiffle-ball bat in my left hand, and a tennis racket in my right hand as I rushed towards the ghost. I jumped up over it, and came down right in the middle of where it was. I guess I expected it to sort of smush and discorporate or something, but the ghost just kind of grunted, and lifted me into the air, spinning me around while I flailed about with my crappy 'weapons'. I woke myself up fighting the bed sheets and swearing out loud.

Aside from all that, nothing much has changed in the past week or so. It's funny how things changing is entirely based on our outlooks, and not much else. Like, I am sure than EVERYTHING has changed, in objective reality, but in subjective perception, as I sit here and think about what / how to update, I come away with pretty much nothing, so therefore, in my head, it hasn't changed. Reality is stupid that way.

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