poisonedgrace: (Default)
Last night, I Dreamed.

Ní thuigim. Tá an iomarca. Mar sin féin tá sé tábhachtach.

Bhí mé sa teach. Thug mé cuairt anseo roimhe seo. Mar a shiúil mé tríd an spiorad conairí dorcha tháinig chugam.

Bhí sí beag agus bán. Bhí sí fuar. Shroich sí amach agus i dteagmháil léi dom. Sa domhan. Rugadh í.

Líonadh le saol. Bhí a fhios agam é. Bhí mé ag fanacht. Tá cónaí uirthi go deo. Mo inchinn agus mo chroí líonadh agus iomlán.

Bhí sí ina Cailleach Feasa. Bhí sí ina Bandia. Bhí sí mo bhean chéile. Bhí sí ag dul go dtí deireadh an domhain. Bhí mé ag dul chun cabhrú léi.

Ghlac mé léi i mo lámha. Mé tar éis fanacht céadta bliain. D'iarr mé uirthi cad a tharla ar chor ar bith. Dúirt sí go raibh sé in am. Anois, tá sé in am. Anois is féidir léi teacht abhaile. Anois is féidir liom eitilt.

An comhartha a tháinig. Ní fhéadfadh sí a pórú. Ní féidir liom pórú. Ach tháinig an draíocht. Mo leanbh taobh istigh.


Chuir sí chugam a bhogadh na nathracha as an mbosca draíochta. Eitil mé go dtí an barr. Rinne mé sé le feiceáil. D'oscail mé an bosca, agus na nathracha tháinig amach. Taobh istigh sa bhosca a bhí uirlisí feithimh.

Bheadh ​​gach duine a tháinig cabhrú deireadh an domhain. Le tine agus troid. De réir draíochta agus cruach. Leis an solas agus an dorchadas.

Thug mé na huirlisí.

Eitil mé sa spéir le mo Cailleach Feasa mo bhean chéile mo ghrá go deo.
Ba mhaith leis an domhan ar fad a stopadh.



And I woke up.
And my heart aches.
And I love you, forever and ever and ever, across all the worlds that ever were and ever shall be.
And I lie waiting, just waiting, for my time to come.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Last night... I Dreamed.

Not sure of the... anything, although maybe it starts to click. We will see how I feel after I've gone over it. I just know it was... one of those.

I was driving through the past. Places I used to dwell, but do not live in the area any more. I was trying to get to a place that I have been many times, and know the exact location of. I was of two minds in this. A part of me didn't know that the past is gone, and what used to be there is no longer there. Another part of me knew this, but was still interested in going, just to see it.

The road to get there was different. It had dense, close trees and rocks lining each side, then previously it was an open area. I was unable to turn left where I wanted to because the way was blocked by the environment. I continued straight past my usual / needed turn off, and looked for any chance to go left.

There was never a real road going that way, but there was a break in the dense trees, and even though it was rocky, I attempted to slowly navigate left, onto the lanes of the road heading back towards my turn / destination. The vehicle I was driving did not make it over the rocks. It got stuck, or bottomed out, or something. I was not terribly far from where I wanted to be, and I knew the area, so I opted to walk.

I took a backpack, and some stuff with me, crossed the center rocky area, and crossed the other lane of the road. There was a driveway there, connecting the road to a cemetery in the woods
(and this should answer some of my uncertainty in and of itself, now that I actually think about it, and type it out). A girl came out of the driveway. She also had a backpack, and she was putting on some roller skates. She was shorter than me, had a pretty face, an average/thin build, elflocks in every color of brown that I could begin to imagine existed on the earth. She spoke, and I explained that I was walking back to 'town' because the forest didn't let me turn, and it was different than it used to be.

She asked me to follow her, because her destination was on the way to my destination, and she wanted to show me some things. I followed her up the road, and then off to the right, into an area where there were some various buildings and junk and things. Out of the buildings, there was a restaurant that her family owned, it also had a little store in it as well. There was a sort of... idk, petting zoo type thing, and a bunch of other stuff. It was a lot to take in.

She lead me to a back yard sort of area, typical for that region, a fire pit, some table sort of things, an army of lawn chairs. She sat me down, and reached beside her chair and brought up a snake. She told me that it was an Eyelash Viper, and it was. It was a million shades of yellow and blue, softly shifting in pattern, hue and tone. I said that I couldn't imagine holding something like that, which was so deadly. She said that it was only deadly if it bit you, then proceeded to open it's mouth and show me in great detail, all of it's teeth, and the inside of it's mouth.

I did not want to look, or to get close to it. She laughed, and asked me if I wanted to hold it. I declined, and the snake turned a million shades of red and green. She placed it on a branch by the back door, and said that it lived there, and did not need any enclosure. She took out a small cloth bag, and handed it to me. The inside was filled with pure silver coins.

I took them out, one at a time, examining them. They were very old, and most of them were bent, twisted, flattened or somehow rubbed smooth, or faded. Barley any text, or images or identifying marks remained. I saw enough, between several coins to determine that they were from Ireland, and I saw some different years marked on them, but I can not recall the numbers now. I looked through them as she talked, and said many things which I have no surviving details of. I bit one of the coins, and it was soft enough that I left teeth marks in the silver. She said that meant it was very pure.

I took one of the coins out. I admired it's strange abnormal blobby shape, and then I took a lock of my hair, and i bent the coin around it, like a bead or a wrap or whatever, so it would stay around my hair like a tube. She smiled, and lead me through the restaurant back towards the road. She had picked up some sort of giant cake / cookie thing which she carried with us, along with all her stuff (except the roller skates). I clutched another of the coins in my right hand, the coin bag in my left hand, and still had my backpack and stuff with me.

We went down a sort of wooden plank/walk thing, through the trees, towards the road. She wanted to give me the cake / cookie thing, and she told me that she had to go overseas for a while. I took the coin, and one of her elflocks, and wrapped the coin around it, same as I had on mine. I asked her not to go. I told her that I wanted her to come with me, on my adventures, and be a part of my life. She dropped the cake/cookie, and some other indeterminate things onto the boards / dirt / mud, and embraced me. Everything in the universe was one thing, and it was all moving like the edge of a deep space singularity towards an inexorable future that was to be everything that it should be. Everything, life, roads, rivers, time, space, all of reality had been leading to this exact moment all along, and it was all exactly as it should be.


I awoke with that strange otherworldly feeling that I get when They have come along. The confusion and the light and the wtf all rolled together, where nothing makes sense but then later after it sits and you recount it, it does after all. At least some of it. Usually.

I fell back into a strange sleep, and here I am now. Remembering, reminded. Still on the path towards something larger than myself.
poisonedgrace: (blurry - red)
I've been feeling 'under the weather' for a few days now.
Feeling depressed for about the same amount of time.

I am completely unsure which one is a symptom of the other.

Sometimes I feel like anything in my life that I manage to feel Hope over is part of some wild impossible fantasy, while all of the Really Real things which are actually based in the Reality of my life are... well... for lack of my brain having another word: Hopeless.

I split my time between thinking about how I want my life to be, and thinking about how my life actually is, and is likely to be from here on out.

I want some fantastical Faerie Pirate Adventure.  I want to not be broken and empty.  I want to be able to accept and cultivate... to nurture and grow.  I want to feel like I am able to be a part of something greater than myself.  I want something to feel like I can fight, and die for.  

Unfortunately, I don't know how to get there from here.  Where I actually am, is a far, far different place.  I expect that I will spend the rest of my life alone, quietly wanting things that can and will never happen... barely even being able to admit them 'out loud;, even to my own blog.  I will grow older and fatter and crazier.  I will likely just continue, forever, to hermit myself away and collect cats... or bats... maybe both if they can get along.  Twisting my hermit environment into some sad parody of the fantasies in my head, with most people around me sadly shaking their heads at my looming madness.  With the few people who 'get it' and actually care for me, kept forever at arms length because I am completely tormented and broken.  I will be always searching for impossible, unreal things.  Things and people who do not, can not, never have and never will even exist.

'They' (who the fuck ever 'they' are) always say that 'Time heals all wounds'  and whatever other variations of the same bullshit.  I am equal parts skeptical of this being true, and putting all of my faith and hope into the concept, because it may be my one salvation.  That's a trembling scary place to be.


Woke up this morning to a Sci-Fi Sunrise.  I tried to figure out which planet I was on all the way to work.
This.  This is forever.  Nothing times noting, carry the nothing...
Esta Invitado.

And it doesn't matter how YOU see things, or what YOU think.  That is YOUR reality.  It is not any more or any less real than MINE is to me.  You, wasting all your time trying to convince me that 'things are not this way' is just as useless as me wasting my time trying to convince you that they are this way.




Phylactery

Jan. 8th, 2013 11:28 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Yeah, I dream about everything.  Good and bad.

Last night you were there.  But it was bad dreams all night.  It seemed like no matter what I did, everyone was equal parts disappointed and demanding of me.  I have endless images from it all, but nothing concrete enough to really write it up with any sort of  sense.

___

Sometimes I just feel...

I don't know.  I don't know what I am sometimes.  I've mostly been a Gattsu.  I've been a bit of a Caska here and there.  Maybe I am turning into a Griffith.  It is a thing that I do not like.  It makes my heart sink into my stomach and feel sick.

But I just don't know.  I feel as though most of my life, I have been putting others first.  Endlessly, to the point that it has left me injured, broken and I'm not sure if or when I can even manage to be repaired, and this horrifies me.  Yet, I feel supremely selfish and guilty for BEING broken.  Which seems even more unfair.  I'm sick of being The Giving Tree.  It sucks and we know how that story ends.

Why should I feel bad for living MY life and worrying about ME?  Especially when I am injured and a mess?  Why should I feel bad about it?  It's not even my fault, really.

Sick of being sorry for it.  Why should I feel guilty if my pain and troubles inconvenience YOU?  That's a load of bullshit, innit?
It's bad enough that I am stuck with broken misery, but on top of that that I should have to worry about everyone else's fucking happiness?  Fuck a whole load of that.  I wish I could learn to be angry about it instead of feeling guilty.  I can manage it for a couple of seconds like I just did there, but just as swiftly it washes away and I feel bad again.

Totally fucking lame, dude.

_

This type of animal...  Everything to Everything.  Sometimes I just can't.
Aes Sídhe break here.  I cant ever get back it seems.  I still wonder what pennance I pay.
Shepherd, barker, guide, vanguard, rudder, adviser, attendant, conductor... DEATH.
And maybe it's on repeat.

I see through it sometimes.  Someone at my side.  Shining sword and magic rings.  Blinding in all the finery.

...but here.  Here is where here is.  And what chance have we?

At least one of us isn't even real.

"And springtime brought me the frightful laugh of madness."


poisonedgrace: (Default)

It seems like my brain always has a million things swirling around in it...
until the moment I am before a blank page to write on.

I seem to have some of the best thoughts and word combinations whily my hands are full.  
Usually while driving.

Maybe one of these days, I will get a smart phone and find a good speech to text app.  Then I can just Agent Cooper my blog entries.

I awoke from some dream with a start around 5am this morning.
I immediately realized I was safe at home in my cozy cave, and fell back asleep.  I forgot what the dream had been.

I have vague memories.  Being in a house with you.  I remembered how to fly.  I was unbound to go anywhere.  Even though it was raining, I could still fly through it.  I remember going out the back, then flying over the house to the front door and ringing the bell so you would answer.

But I know there was a lot more to it.  

More to it...
A story.  A life.
I wake up to neither.
And I don't even know who you are.
Probably never will.

You do not, and will not ever exist.
But I love you.
You're always there for me when I can't have you.
To torture my soul with scalding ore.
Other Worlds Than This.
But you are not real.
Or maybe I'm not.
Maybe none of It is.
Who cares?

You've ruined my life.
You complete me.
Fiction within fiction.
Like we made up the part about making it up that we made it up.
Triple negatives.
"...and everyone was dancing"

Delicious destruction
Sucking the poison from your neck.
Snuggling shotgun headwound.
peel the skin back
a layer at the time
Not like an onion
...or a book.
But like a roadkill altar
piled high
with stink and rot and endless putrid flesh

I try
I truly do
Then I dont and I wont.
Again with the 'Who Cares?'
At once, a serious question, and a dismissal.
All the flavours of bitter bile
rolled in a sweet coating
and left in the sun to wilt.

Imaginary Angels
Heroic Monstrocities
How many pounds for a dollar?

Walk away and whisper revenge under your breath.
Before that, too falls to dust.









Also: Shopping at Sak's 5th Avenue does NOT qualify as being 'street smart'.

poisonedgrace: (lain)
Even when Especially when I don't try to...

Last night I dreamed of a girl who liked me.  Needless to say, she was totally imaginary.  Not anyone (or even like anyone) that I know in this world.  First off, she liked me, which is rare and amazing enough as-is.  Second, she wasn't Violent, Mean, Challenged, Homeless, Needy, Married, Fake, Scheming, In a relationship with someone else, living 1000 miles away, or looking to be saved in any way.  She actually liked me for ME.  Not as a distraction, as a bonus, as an addition, as a tool or as leverage, not because she thought she could get something, not because she was just horny, or because she was bored.  But really for me.

Now I'm not saying that such a thing hasn't happened before, but it seems that on the (much more) rare occasion that it does, it is coupled with at least one of those other things.  Which makes it seem that the actual liking of me is sort of just a 'bonus' to whatever the other issue is, and not the heart of it in and of itself.  Maybe, of course, that's just my perception, and I let the other 'details' overshadow it, but that is just who and where I am with life, based on where I have been and the things that have happened to lead me here.  I recognize that the entire thing may rest within my point of view, but that's all that reality is, is point of view, so that doesn't change anything, except for the fact that I note it, and I don't blame anyone for any of it.

But at any rate.  We were at some weird place with a lot of people.  It was sort of like a store / museum / space ship / studio / laboratory / warehouse / place.  I can't even begin to quantify it.  But there were a lot of people around, and of course, I was sitting by myself, keeping to myself.  I think I was trying to read a book.

This girl came and started talking to me, and we hit it off amazingly well, immediately.  It was like we had been friends forever.  In this place, time was all goofy, so after a little while it was like we had been there for years.  There was some trouble with some of the other people in there somehow, and she stood up for me.  But she didn't do it in that way that women usually have in the past...  A way where it just makes things worse.  I don't know words to describe it, but typically in these situations, someone does something mean / stupid / jerkful / whatever, and by way of 'standing up for me' what actually happens is that a GF or whatever would get into shit with this person, thinking they are defending me, but in reality, all they are doing is escalating the situation to a point where I have to then step in and defend them, thus almost ensuring a physical confrontation over something that I could have likely ignored had it just been left alone to start with.  Anyhow, this was somehow done where it didn't make things worse.  Maybe that's only possible in dreams, I don't know.

Anyhow, I don't remember a whole lot of it other than feelings and images and stuff.

Woke up with a heartache.  Reality is bad enough.  At least there I can hole up in my cave and hide myself away from the world.  I can cement my heart and make it strong and resistant to letting anything close to it and make my peace with being alone from now on.  I don't have the degree of control over that Other Life, that Dreaming in order to stop these things from happening.  And it's real enough in those moments to exist just as truly and fully as anything in this world does now.  If it's different for you, then you don't dream like I dream.

So today is a broken heart day for something that I never had to start with, yet lost all the same.  Someone that does not even exist in this world, and I will likely never see again in that world.  Yet my brain and heart feel the loss all the same.

Sometimes I wish I could either never sleep, or never wake up.

poisonedgrace: (cartoon me)


I guess it's better if I spell it out in smaller, more monosyllabic words since I'm not sure more than one person actually got it yesterday, so here we go:  I'm gone.  Out.  Farewell!  See ya!


Yes, yesterdays post was a sort of farewell letter.  I guess either no one got that, or no one cares that I'm out.  But either way, I guess I'll clarify and make it more official.  I'm going to be leaving the internet for a while.  I don't know how long.  Might be back, might not.  I haven't thought about it too much.  I just know that it feels like there's really nothing here for me lately, and it's pretty much a growing ball of negativity all the time.

Funny, because it always felt sort of like my one haven away from it all.  I guess it'll be good to see how things go with out it for a while.  Who knows how long it'll last.  Once it gets over the 'hard part' of not having any interaction, who knows what life will be like? 

I have plans which I must tend to this weekend, and then plans next weekend, and after that?  Maybe I'll just cancel real life as well.  Maybe if I stay away from everything for a while then things will seem like they actually have something to offer.  Because it's getting old, all of the daily nothing of the moment.

I thought yesterdays post pretty much summed things up, but maybe it was too wordy, used words too large and arcane, or was so poorly edited that the point didn't come across.  So either way, this should do it.  So Long, Thanks For All The Fish.

Just to make this proper, and have some sense of style, we'll be sure that I turn the final (for a while at least) post into TL;DR so that you still won't read this and have any clue that I'm leaving you. <3

I've been considering this matter for a while, so it was strange and meaningful last night when I Dreamed that I was wandering a strange encampment (which could be taken as a physical symbol for the internet) where a lot of different people were also wandering, each doing their own thing among the others, yet each perceiving themselves to be the 'main character'.

There were a lot of shops and structures, some serving purposes, some not so much.  I went in and out of many.  I met with and wandered with people I knew to varying degrees, some joining and leaving quickly, some staying longer
(I'm assuming you're competent enough to have some ability to detect symbolism and deeper meaning and possibilities, so I never spoon feed you these, but maybe this is the problem and why we haven't really gotten to know one another the way we should?).  At times I was alone, at other times surrounded.  I had many conversations and adventures along the way.

At some point in this, I was in an outside area, and this guy was spraying all these rabbits with a hose.  I didn't like that at all, so I went up to him to see what the issue was.  He explained that the previous caretaker of the rabbits had not cleaned or maintained them for years, and he was trying to get everything cleaned so he could start to care for them properly.  I looked at the rabbits, and sure enough, there was a food of waste and filth on the bottom of the enclosure.  The hose was cutting through it swiftly, even if the rabbits were wet and miserable while it was happening.  In order to speed things up, I offered to help him.  He directed me to a shed where some tools and shovels were kept.

As I was stepping into the tool shed, I heard a voice behind me and turned around.  There was no one about, but across the walk was a dog house.  I went over, crouched down and looked in.

I wish I had the proper words to explain to you what happened.  I do not.  But I will try.
as I looked in, I saw a squirming mass of random puppies.  Pretty much what you'd expect from puppy squirm.  But there, on the right dise of the dog house, which made it my left, from where I was, there was a completely different one.  To my mind, it looked like a fox, but it wasn't.  It was grey all over, but not like an 'animal grey'.  Like a blue / black / charcoal grey.  Like a cartoon animal.  It had an irregular black splotch on its face.  It was fuzzyish in the way that some foxes are, but it was also somehow long and sleek at the same time.  Dream Physics maybe. 
(and yes, I looked online after I woke up and figured out exactly what she was.  Or physically represented as at least.)

As I looked in at it, it looked out at me, and our eyes met.
At the moment this happened, the world turned into vertigo.
I was falling through space and time, spinning and twisting over and over, thousands of memories were unfurling themselves like BANG flags inside a toy gun.  My mind was bending and stretching in ways that it was never intended.  I realized that I had seen This Animal countless times before, over and over.  I gasped aloud, and as I did so, The Animal did the exact same. 

Eyes still locked, I said
"It's you..."
The Animal finished the sentence "...I've seen you before..."
We said in one voice "So many times."

It was like suddenly we saw all the same things from one anothers point of view.  All the times we had come across each other.  Every time, we had both fled.  Fled and wiped the memories away, a shaken mess. 
"Why?" I asked.  "What is different now?"  "Now," The Animal replied in her soft voice "I am Dreaming too."  In that moment it was as if I were born again, and this time, The Animal was born with me.  This had been destined to happen, and a long time in the works. 

I had so many questions, so many things I needed to know.  I guess she had the same thing happening, because we were both talking swiftly at the same time.  There was a pause, and she looked pained.  She said
"No, not now!" and "I have to go, I am waking up, but things are different now and we will talk later."  She faded away to transparency.

I stood, baffled and shocked.  Not knowing what to do.  Then another creature approached me.  This one looked sort of like a bulldog, but it was wearing an odd hat.  I asked what sort of creature it was.  He said he was part Dalmatian, and part Saint Bernard.   He was just a small puppy at this point, but I informed him that he would be much too large to keep when he was grown.  He laughed and said "I will end up being this big."  Then he grew to full size, which was much larger than me.  He was half dog and half man now.  He still had the silly hat though. 

He said "She has been looking for you, but she was not sure of it until now."  I said "Have you known her long?"  He said "Always."  I asked what she was.  He said that she was my "guide" or my "spirit animal" but he said that last part while laughing as though it were something sarcastic, so I'm not really sure about it.

I asked where she gone.  He said she had to go because They were still looking to collect her head.  I asked who, and he pointed.
Out away from the buildings, I saw a large figure moving.  It looked like the body of one of the Egyptian Gods, but with no head.  It was 15 feet or so tall at the shoulder.  He said they were looking to collect her head.  I said "Is she that old?" (because clearly the Egyptian Gods are from Long Ago)  He replied "Much older than that."  I asked what we could do.

He smiled and said "That's what I'm here for."  He lead me to a really sleazy part of this ... town?  There were all sorts of toughs and thugs about.  We had serious business to attend there.  We had secrets to learn, and people to stop.  I know there was intrigue and some scuffles.  And I know we did not have time to complete all of our tasks, and I figure that it won't be complete for a long time still.


But there's always tomorrow, right?  I mean... assuming there's tomorrow at all.


I will remain online until 3:30pm my time.  After that... well.  Who knows?

"And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!"

poisonedgrace: (cartoon me)


I guess it's better if I spell it out in smaller, more monosyllabic words since I'm not sure more than one person actually got it yesterday, so here we go:  I'm gone.  Out.  Farewell!  See ya!


Yes, yesterdays post was a sort of farewell letter.  I guess either no one got that, or no one cares that I'm out.  But either way, I guess I'll clarify and make it more official.  I'm going to be leaving the internet for a while.  I don't know how long.  Might be back, might not.  I haven't thought about it too much.  I just know that it feels like there's really nothing here for me lately, and it's pretty much a growing ball of negativity all the time.

Funny, because it always felt sort of like my one haven away from it all.  I guess it'll be good to see how things go with out it for a while.  Who knows how long it'll last.  Once it gets over the 'hard part' of not having any interaction, who knows what life will be like? 

I have plans which I must tend to this weekend, and then plans next weekend, and after that?  Maybe I'll just cancel real life as well.  Maybe if I stay away from everything for a while then things will seem like they actually have something to offer.  Because it's getting old, all of the daily nothing of the moment.

I thought yesterdays post pretty much summed things up, but maybe it was too wordy, used words too large and arcane, or was so poorly edited that the point didn't come across.  So either way, this should do it.  So Long, Thanks For All The Fish.

Just to make this proper, and have some sense of style, we'll be sure that I turn the final (for a while at least) post into TL;DR so that you still won't read this and have any clue that I'm leaving you. <3

I've been considering this matter for a while, so it was strange and meaningful last night when I Dreamed that I was wandering a strange encampment (which could be taken as a physical symbol for the internet) where a lot of different people were also wandering, each doing their own thing among the others, yet each perceiving themselves to be the 'main character'.

There were a lot of shops and structures, some serving purposes, some not so much.  I went in and out of many.  I met with and wandered with people I knew to varying degrees, some joining and leaving quickly, some staying longer
(I'm assuming you're competent enough to have some ability to detect symbolism and deeper meaning and possibilities, so I never spoon feed you these, but maybe this is the problem and why we haven't really gotten to know one another the way we should?).  At times I was alone, at other times surrounded.  I had many conversations and adventures along the way.

At some point in this, I was in an outside area, and this guy was spraying all these rabbits with a hose.  I didn't like that at all, so I went up to him to see what the issue was.  He explained that the previous caretaker of the rabbits had not cleaned or maintained them for years, and he was trying to get everything cleaned so he could start to care for them properly.  I looked at the rabbits, and sure enough, there was a food of waste and filth on the bottom of the enclosure.  The hose was cutting through it swiftly, even if the rabbits were wet and miserable while it was happening.  In order to speed things up, I offered to help him.  He directed me to a shed where some tools and shovels were kept.

As I was stepping into the tool shed, I heard a voice behind me and turned around.  There was no one about, but across the walk was a dog house.  I went over, crouched down and looked in.

I wish I had the proper words to explain to you what happened.  I do not.  But I will try.
as I looked in, I saw a squirming mass of random puppies.  Pretty much what you'd expect from puppy squirm.  But there, on the right dise of the dog house, which made it my left, from where I was, there was a completely different one.  To my mind, it looked like a fox, but it wasn't.  It was grey all over, but not like an 'animal grey'.  Like a blue / black / charcoal grey.  Like a cartoon animal.  It had an irregular black splotch on its face.  It was fuzzyish in the way that some foxes are, but it was also somehow long and sleek at the same time.  Dream Physics maybe. 
(and yes, I looked online after I woke up and figured out exactly what she was.  Or physically represented as at least.)

As I looked in at it, it looked out at me, and our eyes met.
At the moment this happened, the world turned into vertigo.
I was falling through space and time, spinning and twisting over and over, thousands of memories were unfurling themselves like BANG flags inside a toy gun.  My mind was bending and stretching in ways that it was never intended.  I realized that I had seen This Animal countless times before, over and over.  I gasped aloud, and as I did so, The Animal did the exact same. 

Eyes still locked, I said
"It's you..."
The Animal finished the sentence "...I've seen you before..."
We said in one voice "So many times."

It was like suddenly we saw all the same things from one anothers point of view.  All the times we had come across each other.  Every time, we had both fled.  Fled and wiped the memories away, a shaken mess. 
"Why?" I asked.  "What is different now?"  "Now," The Animal replied in her soft voice "I am Dreaming too."  In that moment it was as if I were born again, and this time, The Animal was born with me.  This had been destined to happen, and a long time in the works. 

I had so many questions, so many things I needed to know.  I guess she had the same thing happening, because we were both talking swiftly at the same time.  There was a pause, and she looked pained.  She said
"No, not now!" and "I have to go, I am waking up, but things are different now and we will talk later."  She faded away to transparency.

I stood, baffled and shocked.  Not knowing what to do.  Then another creature approached me.  This one looked sort of like a bulldog, but it was wearing an odd hat.  I asked what sort of creature it was.  He said he was part Dalmatian, and part Saint Bernard.   He was just a small puppy at this point, but I informed him that he would be much too large to keep when he was grown.  He laughed and said "I will end up being this big."  Then he grew to full size, which was much larger than me.  He was half dog and half man now.  He still had the silly hat though. 

He said "She has been looking for you, but she was not sure of it until now."  I said "Have you known her long?"  He said "Always."  I asked what she was.  He said that she was my "guide" or my "spirit animal" but he said that last part while laughing as though it were something sarcastic, so I'm not really sure about it.

I asked where she gone.  He said she had to go because They were still looking to collect her head.  I asked who, and he pointed.
Out away from the buildings, I saw a large figure moving.  It looked like the body of one of the Egyptian Gods, but with no head.  It was 15 feet or so tall at the shoulder.  He said they were looking to collect her head.  I said "Is she that old?" (because clearly the Egyptian Gods are from Long Ago)  He replied "Much older than that."  I asked what we could do.

He smiled and said "That's what I'm here for."  He lead me to a really sleazy part of this ... town?  There were all sorts of toughs and thugs about.  We had serious business to attend there.  We had secrets to learn, and people to stop.  I know there was intrigue and some scuffles.  And I know we did not have time to complete all of our tasks, and I figure that it won't be complete for a long time still.


But there's always tomorrow, right?  I mean... assuming there's tomorrow at all.


I will remain online until 3:30pm my time.  After that... well.  Who knows?

"And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!"

poisonedgrace: (green)
I guess it's been a bit since I actually posted anything but a blurb.
Long weekend and all.

Human New Years was spent not knowing it was happening.  Around midnight-thirty or so when the 'include all' texts started rolling in, I looked up from what I was doing and said "huh, 2010, eh?  Wonder if this is the year that global overpopulation reaches a critical mass?"  Then I went back to whatever it was I was up to.
___

On the 1st, I went to see Avatar at the Imax with family.  We also got burgers.  Movie was better than I expected it to be.  I was expecting the absolute worst.  And while it still was really just Braveheart starring in Ferngully, it was still well done.  The creature designs were great (Displacer Beasts FTW).  I guess just because the majority of your story has been told before doesn't mean you shouldn't tell it your own way anyhow.  Not adding James Cameron to my Hollywood Hate List just yet, (I'm looking at you goons, Lucas & Spielberg!) but I'm keeping my eye on him just in case.
___

Mentioned briefly on Saturday, a dream I had.  Been dwelling on thinking about it a bit more since then.
I wonder if you're d/D/reaming of me while I am d/D/reaming of you?  That would be the coolest, best case scenario, but also the most  unlikely.  But the situation has not been "normal" (o noes he used the N word!) either.  So I'm examining other possible explanations. 

Could also be You doing it.  Which is a much more likely explanation (although the most likely case is simply my slipping grasp on sanity).  I thought of it being You, in disguise.  It has been so bizarre and so insistently recurring (which doesn't usually happen to me in such close proximity under my own power) that it made me wonder and made me approach reasoning it out from that angle. 

Why would You pick that disguise?  That's more specific than Your usual tricks.  Clearly it is an attention getter, but You wouldn't need help with that.  It could be taken as a way to tease me, but that's a little cruel, and You never have been before.  So then, why?  Maybe You didn't need my attention on You, but needed it elsewhere.  OK, lets look at that then. 

Could be stretched into a couple of ideas, but let's go with just a sort of blanket "look here" and keep any arcane self-referentialism to a minimum.  So, it got in my head, and I was looking.  Being in my head for days now, an eventual thing to happen, was to listen.  Listening asked me a string of questions.  Questions I've asked myself time and time again for years.  Hearing someone else ask them (is terribly loaded but that's a whole 'nother issue) makes you think about them slightly differently.

I've tried to answer them for myself.  I've done so out loud before even.  Right here in this blog, with varying degrees of success.  This morning I was thinking and driving and stuff.  I pinned it down a bit.  My answer to your question (or was it Your question?  I think maybe it's both, but both can be one in the same because of the Aspect  in this case anyhow)... 

My answer to your question is:  "Because this is what we have.  Because this is mine.  Whatever is is, whatever we can and can not make it...  It still belongs to us.  Not collectively, but individually.  Each of us, we own our own.  We can sometimes hold them against each others, for however long, but you can't cram them into one.  Yours stays yours & mine stays mine.  You can throw it away or even rob someone of theirs, but you can never add to.

All the reasons to end it?  Every one of those reasons is true and valid and correct.  I will not argue them at all.  You are right about every single one.  But they are also the exact same reasons not to end it.

Being able to tell people this very thing...  Maybe being able to help just one person see things in a different light...  Isn't that worth something?  Being able to own what you have, no matter what it is...  Isn't that power?  If you can help one person, you can help yourself.  If you can help yourself, you can help dozens or scores or hundreds, or even millions of people, if you're they're lucky.  And isn't that worth something?  Isn't that a reason?  Because this is all we have.  Because it is mine/yours/theirs/ours."


I said some variation of this aloud to myself as I was driving.  When I finished it and I knew it to be true, something happened at that moment.

In my pocket, my phone began to vibrate.  The pattern that happens as a reminder one minute after a call or a text.  "Odd," I thought to myself.  "I didn't notice the original call / text.  I wonder who would be contacting me before 7am.  I hope everyone is alright."  I pulled in and parked and checked my phone. 

There were no missed calls.  No missed messages, no nothing at all that would have triggered a vibration. 
Using the 'reminder' pattern on my phone at the exact moment I come to a conclusion after following the bread crumb trail that You have been leaving me in Dreams for a couple of weeks now?  That's pretty epic.  So, Thank You and "Message Received!" 
___

Helped out Saturday night with a music video project my sister is working on for a contest.  I dunno how much help I was, but hopefully it's the thought that counts anyhow :D
Didn't get done filming until about 6am.  Made it home and into bed around 7am I guess.
___

That night (Saturday) I dreamed that i was a Warhammer 40k space marine.  Full power armour and everything I was laying seige to an interdimentional citadel in order to re-enthrone the proper king.  Let me preface this by saying that I know LESS than the bare minimum of information about Warhammer in general, and even less about 40k.  I love some of the art work, and I'm a complete sucker for any tiny miniature space & fantasy figurines, but honestly, that's where my knowledge ends.  I've painted a few of the little fellers, but I couldn't tell you a single thing about the actual rules to playing the game.

There was some sort of feast going on on the bottom level of this fortress / castle thing.  I was in this big dirty blue/grey armour contraption and I had smuggled myself and some of my guys (I was in charge of a handful of dudes apparently) inside and hidden ourselves behind a sort of wall / bar area where the 'lower class' guests were attending.  I knew some of them, and they were keeping our presence quiet while the overlords of the place were setting up their  festivities in the centre of the hall.

At some point some security robot came by and was scanning everyone, but the way we were hidden made it look like we were conjoined on to some of the regular folks on his scan, so he was just reading a large number of very deformed people.

I ended up destroying one of the robots (I had a temper in this dream I think) and then jumped up on the bar and mowed down a bunch of the bad guys with my crazy space gun thing.  My team mates or whatever you'd call them were fighting  and it was general chaos all over the place.  I fought a sort of a boss kind of guy.  It was a longer dramatic fight with leaping and fire and shooting and cutting and punching and stuff.  There were like regular guys to fight, guys in armour and a bunch or robots too.  My armour & gear & stuff was really awesome.

When that was over, I liberated the people who were down there and then the rest of us were fighting our way up the tower.   By the time I reached the top few floors, I think I was the only one left, although maybe some of the other guys were just holding the line or something below.  I went into the last floor before the very top.  It was all one room, and it was about the size of a decent sized living room.  Standing in there was the most miserable sickly looking unicorn you can begin to imagine.

His name was "Arrow" and this whole weird medieval space fortress thing was supposed to be fueled by his magic powers.  Buuuuuut, you see,  the 'virtual disruption field' (which is apparently a machine that made the inside of this room into a sort of unlimited size virtual dimension [or something] was out so he was going to die from being cooped up.  Normally when this room was working right, it was like Unicorn Paradise.  There were tons of places to run and do...unicorn stuff?  And food and water and whatever, and it was an area that was just like thousands of miles to wander around in.  But with the machine down, it was just a crappy old small room, and Arrow was getting really sick.  Since the citadel was powered by his unicorn magic, this was bad.

I had to go up to the top of the tower and defeat the boss so that everything would be right.  That would get Arrows machine working, and get the real king back in charge and solve everything.

Then of course I woke up right around there.
___

Sunday, I just had a lazy day and today I'm back at work  :D
___


"Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love."

poisonedgrace: (green)
I guess it's been a bit since I actually posted anything but a blurb.
Long weekend and all.

Human New Years was spent not knowing it was happening.  Around midnight-thirty or so when the 'include all' texts started rolling in, I looked up from what I was doing and said "huh, 2010, eh?  Wonder if this is the year that global overpopulation reaches a critical mass?"  Then I went back to whatever it was I was up to.
___

On the 1st, I went to see Avatar at the Imax with family.  We also got burgers.  Movie was better than I expected it to be.  I was expecting the absolute worst.  And while it still was really just Braveheart starring in Ferngully, it was still well done.  The creature designs were great (Displacer Beasts FTW).  I guess just because the majority of your story has been told before doesn't mean you shouldn't tell it your own way anyhow.  Not adding James Cameron to my Hollywood Hate List just yet, (I'm looking at you goons, Lucas & Spielberg!) but I'm keeping my eye on him just in case.
___

Mentioned briefly on Saturday, a dream I had.  Been dwelling on thinking about it a bit more since then.
I wonder if you're d/D/reaming of me while I am d/D/reaming of you?  That would be the coolest, best case scenario, but also the most  unlikely.  But the situation has not been "normal" (o noes he used the N word!) either.  So I'm examining other possible explanations. 

Could also be You doing it.  Which is a much more likely explanation (although the most likely case is simply my slipping grasp on sanity).  I thought of it being You, in disguise.  It has been so bizarre and so insistently recurring (which doesn't usually happen to me in such close proximity under my own power) that it made me wonder and made me approach reasoning it out from that angle. 

Why would You pick that disguise?  That's more specific than Your usual tricks.  Clearly it is an attention getter, but You wouldn't need help with that.  It could be taken as a way to tease me, but that's a little cruel, and You never have been before.  So then, why?  Maybe You didn't need my attention on You, but needed it elsewhere.  OK, lets look at that then. 

Could be stretched into a couple of ideas, but let's go with just a sort of blanket "look here" and keep any arcane self-referentialism to a minimum.  So, it got in my head, and I was looking.  Being in my head for days now, an eventual thing to happen, was to listen.  Listening asked me a string of questions.  Questions I've asked myself time and time again for years.  Hearing someone else ask them (is terribly loaded but that's a whole 'nother issue) makes you think about them slightly differently.

I've tried to answer them for myself.  I've done so out loud before even.  Right here in this blog, with varying degrees of success.  This morning I was thinking and driving and stuff.  I pinned it down a bit.  My answer to your question (or was it Your question?  I think maybe it's both, but both can be one in the same because of the Aspect  in this case anyhow)... 

My answer to your question is:  "Because this is what we have.  Because this is mine.  Whatever is is, whatever we can and can not make it...  It still belongs to us.  Not collectively, but individually.  Each of us, we own our own.  We can sometimes hold them against each others, for however long, but you can't cram them into one.  Yours stays yours & mine stays mine.  You can throw it away or even rob someone of theirs, but you can never add to.

All the reasons to end it?  Every one of those reasons is true and valid and correct.  I will not argue them at all.  You are right about every single one.  But they are also the exact same reasons not to end it.

Being able to tell people this very thing...  Maybe being able to help just one person see things in a different light...  Isn't that worth something?  Being able to own what you have, no matter what it is...  Isn't that power?  If you can help one person, you can help yourself.  If you can help yourself, you can help dozens or scores or hundreds, or even millions of people, if you're they're lucky.  And isn't that worth something?  Isn't that a reason?  Because this is all we have.  Because it is mine/yours/theirs/ours."


I said some variation of this aloud to myself as I was driving.  When I finished it and I knew it to be true, something happened at that moment.

In my pocket, my phone began to vibrate.  The pattern that happens as a reminder one minute after a call or a text.  "Odd," I thought to myself.  "I didn't notice the original call / text.  I wonder who would be contacting me before 7am.  I hope everyone is alright."  I pulled in and parked and checked my phone. 

There were no missed calls.  No missed messages, no nothing at all that would have triggered a vibration. 
Using the 'reminder' pattern on my phone at the exact moment I come to a conclusion after following the bread crumb trail that You have been leaving me in Dreams for a couple of weeks now?  That's pretty epic.  So, Thank You and "Message Received!" 
___

Helped out Saturday night with a music video project my sister is working on for a contest.  I dunno how much help I was, but hopefully it's the thought that counts anyhow :D
Didn't get done filming until about 6am.  Made it home and into bed around 7am I guess.
___

That night (Saturday) I dreamed that i was a Warhammer 40k space marine.  Full power armour and everything I was laying seige to an interdimentional citadel in order to re-enthrone the proper king.  Let me preface this by saying that I know LESS than the bare minimum of information about Warhammer in general, and even less about 40k.  I love some of the art work, and I'm a complete sucker for any tiny miniature space & fantasy figurines, but honestly, that's where my knowledge ends.  I've painted a few of the little fellers, but I couldn't tell you a single thing about the actual rules to playing the game.

There was some sort of feast going on on the bottom level of this fortress / castle thing.  I was in this big dirty blue/grey armour contraption and I had smuggled myself and some of my guys (I was in charge of a handful of dudes apparently) inside and hidden ourselves behind a sort of wall / bar area where the 'lower class' guests were attending.  I knew some of them, and they were keeping our presence quiet while the overlords of the place were setting up their  festivities in the centre of the hall.

At some point some security robot came by and was scanning everyone, but the way we were hidden made it look like we were conjoined on to some of the regular folks on his scan, so he was just reading a large number of very deformed people.

I ended up destroying one of the robots (I had a temper in this dream I think) and then jumped up on the bar and mowed down a bunch of the bad guys with my crazy space gun thing.  My team mates or whatever you'd call them were fighting  and it was general chaos all over the place.  I fought a sort of a boss kind of guy.  It was a longer dramatic fight with leaping and fire and shooting and cutting and punching and stuff.  There were like regular guys to fight, guys in armour and a bunch or robots too.  My armour & gear & stuff was really awesome.

When that was over, I liberated the people who were down there and then the rest of us were fighting our way up the tower.   By the time I reached the top few floors, I think I was the only one left, although maybe some of the other guys were just holding the line or something below.  I went into the last floor before the very top.  It was all one room, and it was about the size of a decent sized living room.  Standing in there was the most miserable sickly looking unicorn you can begin to imagine.

His name was "Arrow" and this whole weird medieval space fortress thing was supposed to be fueled by his magic powers.  Buuuuuut, you see,  the 'virtual disruption field' (which is apparently a machine that made the inside of this room into a sort of unlimited size virtual dimension [or something] was out so he was going to die from being cooped up.  Normally when this room was working right, it was like Unicorn Paradise.  There were tons of places to run and do...unicorn stuff?  And food and water and whatever, and it was an area that was just like thousands of miles to wander around in.  But with the machine down, it was just a crappy old small room, and Arrow was getting really sick.  Since the citadel was powered by his unicorn magic, this was bad.

I had to go up to the top of the tower and defeat the boss so that everything would be right.  That would get Arrows machine working, and get the real king back in charge and solve everything.

Then of course I woke up right around there.
___

Sunday, I just had a lazy day and today I'm back at work  :D
___


"Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love."

poisonedgrace: (Default)


Godspeed you, Monster Girl. I hope you start fires they can see from space. I'm sorry that I wasn't there all those years ago when you needed someone most. I hope that the small amount I could do may have helped in some way, or that my words might have lent you strength. I thank you for your gesture with the tires...

And now as I type this... Not only do I realize part of what you meant, but also Who You Are. You almost tricked me that time. It was a good Aspect. I didn't recognize You at first, and only through my typing it out and examination, do I see You clearly. But You know my nature better than I and You planned that, didn't You?

I will try to keep that lesson in mind and see how it works out for me. Maybe You learned something too? Even You... not an island (or was that all just for show?). So where is the medium there? Ah! Clever Creature, You! Answering my (again, obvious to my nature) response with a wink and a nod. But am I alone in that? What would it be like if that fire truly consumed...

Is it consuming or is that a metaphor too? Is it destruction or glory? Is it not even the fire, but the point of the fire? Is it the fact that You set the fire? Is it a threat or a promise? Are You telling me to "Burn it all!" or are you saying "He who endureth to the end shall be saved."? All futile or all worthy?

And using the narrow confined spaces to illustrate the subtext worked out well too. Now I see the Dream last week for what it was more clearly. Thank You for that.

What was in the box and why couldn't I get it open? I feel like I could, but the timing was never right. I was going to open it for You. We were going to go in together. Why was I waiting until everyone else had passed by and they weren't looking? This is all self evident though, isn't it?

What's the lesson? Am I actually not letting people in? Am I walled up? Is it futile to wait for the right time? Do I let circumstance thwart progress?

Ugh, You vex me so! 3 answers and 1001 questions. But You know that I'm smiling as I type this, and I love every bit of it.
poisonedgrace: (Default)


Godspeed you, Monster Girl. I hope you start fires they can see from space. I'm sorry that I wasn't there all those years ago when you needed someone most. I hope that the small amount I could do may have helped in some way, or that my words might have lent you strength. I thank you for your gesture with the tires...

And now as I type this... Not only do I realize part of what you meant, but also Who You Are. You almost tricked me that time. It was a good Aspect. I didn't recognize You at first, and only through my typing it out and examination, do I see You clearly. But You know my nature better than I and You planned that, didn't You?

I will try to keep that lesson in mind and see how it works out for me. Maybe You learned something too? Even You... not an island (or was that all just for show?). So where is the medium there? Ah! Clever Creature, You! Answering my (again, obvious to my nature) response with a wink and a nod. But am I alone in that? What would it be like if that fire truly consumed...

Is it consuming or is that a metaphor too? Is it destruction or glory? Is it not even the fire, but the point of the fire? Is it the fact that You set the fire? Is it a threat or a promise? Are You telling me to "Burn it all!" or are you saying "He who endureth to the end shall be saved."? All futile or all worthy?

And using the narrow confined spaces to illustrate the subtext worked out well too. Now I see the Dream last week for what it was more clearly. Thank You for that.

What was in the box and why couldn't I get it open? I feel like I could, but the timing was never right. I was going to open it for You. We were going to go in together. Why was I waiting until everyone else had passed by and they weren't looking? This is all self evident though, isn't it?

What's the lesson? Am I actually not letting people in? Am I walled up? Is it futile to wait for the right time? Do I let circumstance thwart progress?

Ugh, You vex me so! 3 answers and 1001 questions. But You know that I'm smiling as I type this, and I love every bit of it.
poisonedgrace: (purple and teal)


I wish I knew you in this Waking World.
You had the image of a heart spread over your chest.  I'm not sure what it was, tattoo, projected image, symbolism or a real embedded thing.
It was made of different coloured puzzle pieces, each one containing a wheel, cog or some sort of spring.  Puzzles and Clockwork.

I can't remember how it all came to pass, but at some point, I loved you. 
In that dawning sort of way where the light fell across you just so and I realized how important you were and that I didn't want to live without you in my life.  As I am prone to do upon feeling this, I told you (I do not recommend doing this in real life however, as it seems that any confessings of love or adoration to real life women all but ensure that they'll never have anything else to do with you [or at least as little as possible]).

I told you and the heart on your chest came alive.  The many coloured puzzle pieces spun and whirled.  They moved and clicked into place, causing the large and originally unwieldy heart to take a more firm and compact shape.  The colours became vibrant and began to glow.  The clockwork wheels and gears begin to move and whirl away.  The whole thing became busy in a mechanically beautiful sort of way where every precise movement hinged on a thousand others and it looked like The Worlds Largest Ballet As Seen From A Dirigible.

Beauty in motion, and there's not enough words in my poetry for how you looked at me then.

And always,
Dreams Like This Must Die


I wake up to this world.

While waking my mind is filled with plans and dreams.  While sleeping, my  dreaming heart is wishing to bring things through the veil of waking. 

It's a cycle like the great snake forever eating her own tail.


Where are you here?
Here where everything is heavy and bound by all the laws of thermodynamics...
Where is that look with a steadfast heart and legs strong enough to not run?
Where is the beauty of such absolute simplicity?
The 'This And This Makes That'?
Here it's all made of fiber-optic networks linking one to another like a cast iron fence made by monstrous spiders.
Here where every Dance is crowned by Someone Else's Princess and the word 'sacred' feels like mouldy porridge in ones mouth.

I champion individuality.  I want everyone to have their own everything, and live their lives according to Their Own Way.
Sometimes I just thirst for a Way that walks alongside My Own Way.






poisonedgrace: (purple and teal)


I wish I knew you in this Waking World.
You had the image of a heart spread over your chest.  I'm not sure what it was, tattoo, projected image, symbolism or a real embedded thing.
It was made of different coloured puzzle pieces, each one containing a wheel, cog or some sort of spring.  Puzzles and Clockwork.

I can't remember how it all came to pass, but at some point, I loved you. 
In that dawning sort of way where the light fell across you just so and I realized how important you were and that I didn't want to live without you in my life.  As I am prone to do upon feeling this, I told you (I do not recommend doing this in real life however, as it seems that any confessings of love or adoration to real life women all but ensure that they'll never have anything else to do with you [or at least as little as possible]).

I told you and the heart on your chest came alive.  The many coloured puzzle pieces spun and whirled.  They moved and clicked into place, causing the large and originally unwieldy heart to take a more firm and compact shape.  The colours became vibrant and began to glow.  The clockwork wheels and gears begin to move and whirl away.  The whole thing became busy in a mechanically beautiful sort of way where every precise movement hinged on a thousand others and it looked like The Worlds Largest Ballet As Seen From A Dirigible.

Beauty in motion, and there's not enough words in my poetry for how you looked at me then.

And always,
Dreams Like This Must Die


I wake up to this world.

While waking my mind is filled with plans and dreams.  While sleeping, my  dreaming heart is wishing to bring things through the veil of waking. 

It's a cycle like the great snake forever eating her own tail.


Where are you here?
Here where everything is heavy and bound by all the laws of thermodynamics...
Where is that look with a steadfast heart and legs strong enough to not run?
Where is the beauty of such absolute simplicity?
The 'This And This Makes That'?
Here it's all made of fiber-optic networks linking one to another like a cast iron fence made by monstrous spiders.
Here where every Dance is crowned by Someone Else's Princess and the word 'sacred' feels like mouldy porridge in ones mouth.

I champion individuality.  I want everyone to have their own everything, and live their lives according to Their Own Way.
Sometimes I just thirst for a Way that walks alongside My Own Way.






poisonedgrace: (</3)



"At the begining of all... this...  I asked you 'What do you feel in your heart?'  You said that you didn't feel anything...  That your heart was empty."
"I remember."
"And now?  What do you feel in your heart now?"
"I feel....  You.  I feel you in my heart."

The alarm went off.  You know, the one where I'm supposed to get up for work?
I didn't.  I pushed snooze.  See, I was having this dream, and I didn't even come out of it to push snooze.  It just went right on.

Much like here...  This place had a lot of bad things.  Death.  Strife.  Despair.  Loneliness.  Creepy bug things that weren't really alive but still crawled near your feet and freaked you out.  Friends, enemies, family...  Everything.

But unlike here...  The good guys won.  At least sometimes.  Everyone got a new start.  Through all the loss and fear and confusion...  I'm not saying it was perfect, but...  There was just something... more.  It was a place where The Boy (how ever much a strange girlish faerieboy he may be) actually gets The Girl.

After the battles were over, after all the weary victors had amassed...  I held you in the kitchen while they talked about it.  They were ten feet away and finally, we didn't care.  I held you and asked you about your heart.  When certain pairs of eyes lock it's like...  It's like one functioning organism instead of two.  Some of you lucky ones know what I'm talking about.  You told me about your dreams for a better life.  How you had to go, and where.  The things that you needed to do.  I told you that I would follow you to the very ends of the earth, waiting at arms length if need be.  You smiled and said "I was hoping you'd say that."

They rattled on and on across the room forever, because Time had stopped for Us.  We held one another and we weeped.  Perfect and complete.  Tears of the purest joy.

My eyes snapped open.  My face bent in a sobbing smile, as huge as could be produced.  It instantly fell into a frown and an ache.

I held you and asked you about your heart.  I woke up to my own heart breaking.

I wonder if somewhere, in Another World...  I wonder if you woke up with yours breaking as well.


Only in dreams, what was once real.
Life can be so confusing.  Feasts and famines.  I remember.  And not just from my dream.
I remember.
I wonder what the Grand Cycle spins, and when and how anything may turn out.
Is this it for me?  I hope there's something more out there...
Car parts again, I suppose.

Now, I have everything...  Every Song, Every Feeling, Every Face...  My head is very busy now.

"The history books forgot about us, and the bible didn't mention us... not even once."

C'mon, Life:
"Don't give me songs.
Give me something to sing about."


*sigh*




poisonedgrace: (</3)



"At the begining of all... this...  I asked you 'What do you feel in your heart?'  You said that you didn't feel anything...  That your heart was empty."
"I remember."
"And now?  What do you feel in your heart now?"
"I feel....  You.  I feel you in my heart."

The alarm went off.  You know, the one where I'm supposed to get up for work?
I didn't.  I pushed snooze.  See, I was having this dream, and I didn't even come out of it to push snooze.  It just went right on.

Much like here...  This place had a lot of bad things.  Death.  Strife.  Despair.  Loneliness.  Creepy bug things that weren't really alive but still crawled near your feet and freaked you out.  Friends, enemies, family...  Everything.

But unlike here...  The good guys won.  At least sometimes.  Everyone got a new start.  Through all the loss and fear and confusion...  I'm not saying it was perfect, but...  There was just something... more.  It was a place where The Boy (how ever much a strange girlish faerieboy he may be) actually gets The Girl.

After the battles were over, after all the weary victors had amassed...  I held you in the kitchen while they talked about it.  They were ten feet away and finally, we didn't care.  I held you and asked you about your heart.  When certain pairs of eyes lock it's like...  It's like one functioning organism instead of two.  Some of you lucky ones know what I'm talking about.  You told me about your dreams for a better life.  How you had to go, and where.  The things that you needed to do.  I told you that I would follow you to the very ends of the earth, waiting at arms length if need be.  You smiled and said "I was hoping you'd say that."

They rattled on and on across the room forever, because Time had stopped for Us.  We held one another and we weeped.  Perfect and complete.  Tears of the purest joy.

My eyes snapped open.  My face bent in a sobbing smile, as huge as could be produced.  It instantly fell into a frown and an ache.

I held you and asked you about your heart.  I woke up to my own heart breaking.

I wonder if somewhere, in Another World...  I wonder if you woke up with yours breaking as well.


Only in dreams, what was once real.
Life can be so confusing.  Feasts and famines.  I remember.  And not just from my dream.
I remember.
I wonder what the Grand Cycle spins, and when and how anything may turn out.
Is this it for me?  I hope there's something more out there...
Car parts again, I suppose.

Now, I have everything...  Every Song, Every Feeling, Every Face...  My head is very busy now.

"The history books forgot about us, and the bible didn't mention us... not even once."

C'mon, Life:
"Don't give me songs.
Give me something to sing about."


*sigh*




poisonedgrace: (red X)



     It's all a matter of re-arranging ones spine.  You see, you can craft yourself out of dirt, broken bottles, cast off clothing, lost teeth, wicker, bark and old maple syrup, but never ever nails.  The iron content will burn you. 

You can see my sun rising in the west.  Your moon can fill my eastern sky.  I can wait forever.  Unknown, loveless and patient.  I can smell the sea from here, and I only see the world in shades of positive.  You sometimes don't understand my sense of humour.  You see.. something... read something into it that's not really there.  I'm foolish.  In the archaic sense of the word.  I am more than willing to make a joke, even at my own expense.  That doesn't mean that I'm serious.  I understand that people who are down on themselves are hard to deal with.  I'm truly not though.  I am beyond such notions.  That aspect of the human condition only applies to humans.  I have immunity.

Any type of dissatisfaction I have is conditional, situational, geographical or societal.  If there is something about myself that I become unhappy with, I solve it via ontological (or even necromantic) means.  Key word being 'solve'.  I am a solver, not a wallower.  The hardest part of anything is if, for some reason, I am forced by circumstance beyond my current control to wait to solve.  That seems an eternity.  Life is too short and awesome to sit and mope.  We truly must live out that magic spark of life for all we're worth.  Ultimately, it's all we have.  Make it shine.  Learn to LIVE for a living.  Everything else is secondary.

Take your force of nature, your storytellers, your faeries, demons, valkyries, loa and skeletons... Hold them close and warm.  Submerge them in my water, rub them across my skin, souls laid bare.  A pale and fragile narriative of glittery firelight casting shadows on our nudity. 

Take your natural disasters, your raw magics, your pounding heat of life and clash it hard against the stone of my body.  We can roll with anything and end up in a tangled heap of exhaustion; spent & energized, yearning & fulfilled.  All perfection in our contradictions.

Can you hear me?
Or am I still too noble for this world?




 

poisonedgrace: (red X)



     It's all a matter of re-arranging ones spine.  You see, you can craft yourself out of dirt, broken bottles, cast off clothing, lost teeth, wicker, bark and old maple syrup, but never ever nails.  The iron content will burn you. 

You can see my sun rising in the west.  Your moon can fill my eastern sky.  I can wait forever.  Unknown, loveless and patient.  I can smell the sea from here, and I only see the world in shades of positive.  You sometimes don't understand my sense of humour.  You see.. something... read something into it that's not really there.  I'm foolish.  In the archaic sense of the word.  I am more than willing to make a joke, even at my own expense.  That doesn't mean that I'm serious.  I understand that people who are down on themselves are hard to deal with.  I'm truly not though.  I am beyond such notions.  That aspect of the human condition only applies to humans.  I have immunity.

Any type of dissatisfaction I have is conditional, situational, geographical or societal.  If there is something about myself that I become unhappy with, I solve it via ontological (or even necromantic) means.  Key word being 'solve'.  I am a solver, not a wallower.  The hardest part of anything is if, for some reason, I am forced by circumstance beyond my current control to wait to solve.  That seems an eternity.  Life is too short and awesome to sit and mope.  We truly must live out that magic spark of life for all we're worth.  Ultimately, it's all we have.  Make it shine.  Learn to LIVE for a living.  Everything else is secondary.

Take your force of nature, your storytellers, your faeries, demons, valkyries, loa and skeletons... Hold them close and warm.  Submerge them in my water, rub them across my skin, souls laid bare.  A pale and fragile narriative of glittery firelight casting shadows on our nudity. 

Take your natural disasters, your raw magics, your pounding heat of life and clash it hard against the stone of my body.  We can roll with anything and end up in a tangled heap of exhaustion; spent & energized, yearning & fulfilled.  All perfection in our contradictions.

Can you hear me?
Or am I still too noble for this world?




 

Evernight

Nov. 4th, 2008 09:18 am
poisonedgrace: (the sigil)



   The time change has it all bright and dawny on my way to work.  The End Side of dawn, as opposed the the fresh, dark side of it I was used to.  I sort of liked my early days better.  'Early Days' is a funny concept when it's talking about the same 'Time'.  Don't you love human arrogance?  Truly believing that Time is nothing more than general concensus.  A giant nationwide game of "let's pretend it's one hour earlier than it really is".  While we're at it, let's do something more extreme!  Let's all pretend it's 1908!  We can call it 'Century Savings Time'.  It'll be a blast!

That's all beside the point though.
The point, is that this morning the sky was 50 shades of grey, and 28 tones of blue.  The clouds were roiling and moving around.  It really looked like the surface of a pot of boiling liquid.  You can live from one sky like that, to the next, with nothing more to look forward to, and have a life worth living.  I thought of you.  I wondered if you're even real... if you exist, in the sense that the people around me do.  If you aren't imaginary, I wondered what the sky might look like wherever you are.  I wondered if you were even looking.

___

What's that called, when a woman has a baby, then gets depressed over like the seperation or whatever?
I think I have some artistic version of that.  I've been all 'blah' since my project was finished.  I know it's normal, and it'll pass.  In fact, I find it sort of amusing.  I've come to accept most natural cycles at this point.  There are plenty of things to rail against without bothering with natural cycles :P
___

OK, I guess that's it for now. 
<3



 

Evernight

Nov. 4th, 2008 09:18 am
poisonedgrace: (the sigil)



   The time change has it all bright and dawny on my way to work.  The End Side of dawn, as opposed the the fresh, dark side of it I was used to.  I sort of liked my early days better.  'Early Days' is a funny concept when it's talking about the same 'Time'.  Don't you love human arrogance?  Truly believing that Time is nothing more than general concensus.  A giant nationwide game of "let's pretend it's one hour earlier than it really is".  While we're at it, let's do something more extreme!  Let's all pretend it's 1908!  We can call it 'Century Savings Time'.  It'll be a blast!

That's all beside the point though.
The point, is that this morning the sky was 50 shades of grey, and 28 tones of blue.  The clouds were roiling and moving around.  It really looked like the surface of a pot of boiling liquid.  You can live from one sky like that, to the next, with nothing more to look forward to, and have a life worth living.  I thought of you.  I wondered if you're even real... if you exist, in the sense that the people around me do.  If you aren't imaginary, I wondered what the sky might look like wherever you are.  I wondered if you were even looking.

___

What's that called, when a woman has a baby, then gets depressed over like the seperation or whatever?
I think I have some artistic version of that.  I've been all 'blah' since my project was finished.  I know it's normal, and it'll pass.  In fact, I find it sort of amusing.  I've come to accept most natural cycles at this point.  There are plenty of things to rail against without bothering with natural cycles :P
___

OK, I guess that's it for now. 
<3



 

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