poisonedgrace: (Default)
"Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call'd him soft names in many a mused rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain—
To thy high requiem become a sod."

~Keats: Ode To A Nightingale
__

The last two nights, I dreamed of worlds that aren't. Different Mes. Different Yous. Night before last, it was your soft skin, quivering and warm. Piled deep and yearning deeper. Plumbing those depths for all the treasure mapped nerve ending brain connections. Liquid fireworks, exploding across the clouds. Tumbling, endless.

Last night, you came back from a long lapse, dark hair disheveled and clothing worn away at the edges. We, restless spirits, torn between the rules of duty, and the call of freedoms, wild and unkept. Mazes of cramped detail, gilding the bare, open simplicity of hearts beating. Fictional hearts beating in fictional chests. Frictionless fractions from frequently fumbling foibles.


But the world danced for all of us. All of the Mes and all of the Yous. All of the never were. All of the never will. The years slide by, torturous, beautiful, hallowed and profane - we still wait, the worst children, hoping for the world to end. Eternally. Glorious Suffering. For the rest of our days. Forever and ever, Amen.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Last night, I Dreamed.

Ní thuigim. Tá an iomarca. Mar sin féin tá sé tábhachtach.

Bhí mé sa teach. Thug mé cuairt anseo roimhe seo. Mar a shiúil mé tríd an spiorad conairí dorcha tháinig chugam.

Bhí sí beag agus bán. Bhí sí fuar. Shroich sí amach agus i dteagmháil léi dom. Sa domhan. Rugadh í.

Líonadh le saol. Bhí a fhios agam é. Bhí mé ag fanacht. Tá cónaí uirthi go deo. Mo inchinn agus mo chroí líonadh agus iomlán.

Bhí sí ina Cailleach Feasa. Bhí sí ina Bandia. Bhí sí mo bhean chéile. Bhí sí ag dul go dtí deireadh an domhain. Bhí mé ag dul chun cabhrú léi.

Ghlac mé léi i mo lámha. Mé tar éis fanacht céadta bliain. D'iarr mé uirthi cad a tharla ar chor ar bith. Dúirt sí go raibh sé in am. Anois, tá sé in am. Anois is féidir léi teacht abhaile. Anois is féidir liom eitilt.

An comhartha a tháinig. Ní fhéadfadh sí a pórú. Ní féidir liom pórú. Ach tháinig an draíocht. Mo leanbh taobh istigh.


Chuir sí chugam a bhogadh na nathracha as an mbosca draíochta. Eitil mé go dtí an barr. Rinne mé sé le feiceáil. D'oscail mé an bosca, agus na nathracha tháinig amach. Taobh istigh sa bhosca a bhí uirlisí feithimh.

Bheadh ​​gach duine a tháinig cabhrú deireadh an domhain. Le tine agus troid. De réir draíochta agus cruach. Leis an solas agus an dorchadas.

Thug mé na huirlisí.

Eitil mé sa spéir le mo Cailleach Feasa mo bhean chéile mo ghrá go deo.
Ba mhaith leis an domhan ar fad a stopadh.



And I woke up.
And my heart aches.
And I love you, forever and ever and ever, across all the worlds that ever were and ever shall be.
And I lie waiting, just waiting, for my time to come.

magic word

Nov. 11th, 2016 01:55 pm
poisonedgrace: (Default)
I know I had rememberable dreams last night, but they were all mostly burned out of my head upon waking.
I woke up (for the second time this week) with some good blueprints / patterns in my head. The first time it was for a hat. This time it was future costume related.

I've been working on some sketches and notes as I had time today.

Just sort of facing the world one day at a time.

Trying to remember that people... all people, are somewhere inbetween the best, most idealized versions of who they want to be, and their darkest, most secret fears of how they might turn out. That scale can go both ways, and people can be at any point on it, at any given time.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Starting to feel the bubbles, but it's not time yet, so I ignore
ignoreignoreignoreignoreignore
___

Got the arms done last night. Even tested the adhesive. *thumbs up*
I guess today will start fleshing the body. I pray to Kaltiki The Immortal Monster that it goes swiftly, easily, and smoothly(softly).

Beyond that, it's just cloth and rigging.
___

I am wandering in to increasingly strange spaces the past few days. I don't know what to think.

Last night I Dreamed of futuristic architecture. I had gotten this place to live... The back of it opened up onto a deck which could extend over a flowing river. I looked down and watched a man drive a 4 legged robot thing upstream. I saw fish so close I could grasp them. When the deck was retracted, it had a little kitchen area, a pool of some sort, and many other things. The inside of the place was also strange and futuristic.

At one point, while everyone else (whoever they were) was elsewhere, I was in a kitchen of sorts with a Woman whom I knew well within that world, and I had a fiery love towards her. She was as tall as me, and thinly lost in a obfuscating black robe. All translucent stick arms, pale hair and blue eyes. A moment was forever and it was almost enough to make me burst. I know Her now that I am awake. She rides permanent over my travels.

At another point, I was in a classroom or office of some kind
(which was clearly symbolic, but then again, every single part of this was, and explains why I am in the state I am in today). I was there 'learning about myself' and also invisible to the other people, although I could see them clearly (the symbolism never ends here, guys. That's how They communicate, after all). As I sprawled, somewhere between worlds, She came in. A Woman whom I knew well within that world, and I had a fiery love towards her. She was as a good bit shorter me, and a strained swirl in torn and mended comfort clothing. All soft ripeness, bursting at the sensual seams, dark hair, darker skin and black eyes. A moment was nowhere near long enough but it was almost enough to make me burst. I know Her now that I am awake. She rides permanent over my spirit.

The finite and the infinite are different ends of the same tunnel.
Reality is a snake, slowly swallowing it's own tail.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Had another one of those nights last night where I know I dreamed. I woke up wrapped in them, but they slipped away before I was fully awake.

Still working on my project. Got a really good shape that I liked a lot last night, but it ended up being too short, so I straightened it out a lot, and I will add another section and then try to bend that one as well, to get a similar shape, but 2x the size. I have no idea if I will be able to make all of these needed shapes with any sort of uniformity.

I am, however, enjoying the hell out of some oatmeal cookies and root-beer while I have been working.

As always, been updating progress via Instagram.

Not sure what else to report on. Might get a delivery today... Looks like a Kickstarter I backed a while back has sent out the first wave of goodies. Been tracking the package from France for days now. It has finally made it to the local P.O. Even if they drag their feet over it, it should come tomorrow. Sentences like that make me realize how fucking worthless English is.

After work, I gotta run by the hardware store and pick up 4 angle connectors. Should only cost a couple of bucks, which is good, because I am really low on money this paycheck.

I don't know what else I have to jot down at this time, so I guess that'll do it.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Last night... I Dreamed.

Not sure of the... anything, although maybe it starts to click. We will see how I feel after I've gone over it. I just know it was... one of those.

I was driving through the past. Places I used to dwell, but do not live in the area any more. I was trying to get to a place that I have been many times, and know the exact location of. I was of two minds in this. A part of me didn't know that the past is gone, and what used to be there is no longer there. Another part of me knew this, but was still interested in going, just to see it.

The road to get there was different. It had dense, close trees and rocks lining each side, then previously it was an open area. I was unable to turn left where I wanted to because the way was blocked by the environment. I continued straight past my usual / needed turn off, and looked for any chance to go left.

There was never a real road going that way, but there was a break in the dense trees, and even though it was rocky, I attempted to slowly navigate left, onto the lanes of the road heading back towards my turn / destination. The vehicle I was driving did not make it over the rocks. It got stuck, or bottomed out, or something. I was not terribly far from where I wanted to be, and I knew the area, so I opted to walk.

I took a backpack, and some stuff with me, crossed the center rocky area, and crossed the other lane of the road. There was a driveway there, connecting the road to a cemetery in the woods
(and this should answer some of my uncertainty in and of itself, now that I actually think about it, and type it out). A girl came out of the driveway. She also had a backpack, and she was putting on some roller skates. She was shorter than me, had a pretty face, an average/thin build, elflocks in every color of brown that I could begin to imagine existed on the earth. She spoke, and I explained that I was walking back to 'town' because the forest didn't let me turn, and it was different than it used to be.

She asked me to follow her, because her destination was on the way to my destination, and she wanted to show me some things. I followed her up the road, and then off to the right, into an area where there were some various buildings and junk and things. Out of the buildings, there was a restaurant that her family owned, it also had a little store in it as well. There was a sort of... idk, petting zoo type thing, and a bunch of other stuff. It was a lot to take in.

She lead me to a back yard sort of area, typical for that region, a fire pit, some table sort of things, an army of lawn chairs. She sat me down, and reached beside her chair and brought up a snake. She told me that it was an Eyelash Viper, and it was. It was a million shades of yellow and blue, softly shifting in pattern, hue and tone. I said that I couldn't imagine holding something like that, which was so deadly. She said that it was only deadly if it bit you, then proceeded to open it's mouth and show me in great detail, all of it's teeth, and the inside of it's mouth.

I did not want to look, or to get close to it. She laughed, and asked me if I wanted to hold it. I declined, and the snake turned a million shades of red and green. She placed it on a branch by the back door, and said that it lived there, and did not need any enclosure. She took out a small cloth bag, and handed it to me. The inside was filled with pure silver coins.

I took them out, one at a time, examining them. They were very old, and most of them were bent, twisted, flattened or somehow rubbed smooth, or faded. Barley any text, or images or identifying marks remained. I saw enough, between several coins to determine that they were from Ireland, and I saw some different years marked on them, but I can not recall the numbers now. I looked through them as she talked, and said many things which I have no surviving details of. I bit one of the coins, and it was soft enough that I left teeth marks in the silver. She said that meant it was very pure.

I took one of the coins out. I admired it's strange abnormal blobby shape, and then I took a lock of my hair, and i bent the coin around it, like a bead or a wrap or whatever, so it would stay around my hair like a tube. She smiled, and lead me through the restaurant back towards the road. She had picked up some sort of giant cake / cookie thing which she carried with us, along with all her stuff (except the roller skates). I clutched another of the coins in my right hand, the coin bag in my left hand, and still had my backpack and stuff with me.

We went down a sort of wooden plank/walk thing, through the trees, towards the road. She wanted to give me the cake / cookie thing, and she told me that she had to go overseas for a while. I took the coin, and one of her elflocks, and wrapped the coin around it, same as I had on mine. I asked her not to go. I told her that I wanted her to come with me, on my adventures, and be a part of my life. She dropped the cake/cookie, and some other indeterminate things onto the boards / dirt / mud, and embraced me. Everything in the universe was one thing, and it was all moving like the edge of a deep space singularity towards an inexorable future that was to be everything that it should be. Everything, life, roads, rivers, time, space, all of reality had been leading to this exact moment all along, and it was all exactly as it should be.


I awoke with that strange otherworldly feeling that I get when They have come along. The confusion and the light and the wtf all rolled together, where nothing makes sense but then later after it sits and you recount it, it does after all. At least some of it. Usually.

I fell back into a strange sleep, and here I am now. Remembering, reminded. Still on the path towards something larger than myself.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
On a whim, I decided to double the length of my daily lunch time walk today. I made it just fine, so I will continue that length until a whim hits me to change it again. Or the weather. I feat how hot the summer will end up being. I think I will just Goth Umbrella it up, and keep going anyhow.

Today after I get home and change clothes, is my 3 weeks of doing my I.F. Going to weigh myself and see how it's going this week. Once a week is enough, I don't care to keep a daily tally. It will be nice if it is another 2.5 today, but as long as it is still moving in a positive direction, I will be happy. I'm sure that doubling my walking distance and keeping to it will help some next Thursday also.

I've been really good about getting out of the house and doing stuff for the last few weekends. Hoping to continue the trend and come up with something again this weekend. Guess I will see how it goes. Lots can happen in the next couple of days.
poisonedgrace: (Default)
It's funny...

There are those defining moments where you can literally feel, hear, and see something alter.
Like life comes equipped, in that moment, with some cinematic quality special effect.
I'm not sure I can even adequately describe it, but I've experienced it.

I remember the time that, in spite of my almost infinite patience with you, you deliberately destroyed, defiled, and defaced my art, while making a mockery of my values and ideals.  I knew that I would never again see you the same way.

I remember the time that, in spite of my almost infinite stupidity over you, you finally said something that blasted through all of my ideals, all of my memories, all of my hopes and fears, and I knew... absolutely knew, in the core of my being, that you were not, in any way, shape, or form, even remotely the same person whom I had given my time to.  I knew that I would never again see you the same way.

I remember the time that, in spite of my almost infinite curiosity and interest in you, you genuinely took me for a fool in a most unusual, blatant and thoroughly insulting manner.  You mistook my kindness and willingness to assist someone in a bad place as a cluelessness and weakness.  I know a drug deal when I see one, and after you attempted to play me for an idiot, I knew that I would never again see you the same way.

I remember the time that, in spite of my granting almost infinite allowances for things not being right, not with myself, nor with you, you, thought that hurting me, lying to me and repeating the same behaviour over and over was acceptable.  You thought that I was someone who casually throws around terms and concepts like "last chance".  You could have hurt me in any other way, and I would have kept taking it, but instead you hurt me over the same thing yet again.  In the many fall out conversations that we had there was a lot of talk about growth and healing.  I remember telling you right after that Last Chance that any possibility of any future growth would be contingent on that healing, and that any further intrusion of That Same Thing Yet Again would always be Death.  I remember when I predicted that it would come to pass.  I remember waiting to see.  I remember learning that my prediction was right.    I knew that I would never again see you the same way.

I remember the time that, in spite of my almost infinite youthful hope over you, you used any and all force you could muster to intimidate, manipulate, and brutalize a child.  You under appreciated my resourcefulness and inquisitiveness, and your story was revealed to me.  I remember my sense of frustration, insult and shame.   I knew that I would never again see you the same way.

Over all, I cant ever see realization, or awakening as a bad thing.
Once that click happens, and you see someone for not only 'who they are' but for 'what they are willing to do to you' there is a certain peace that accompanies it.

I'm sure if I really put my mind around it, I could come up with several more instances similar to this.
I even know of one right off of my head, but I've never actually spoken in quantifiable terms about The Topic, save to a very limited number of people irl, so that's not going to happen here.

But anyhow, this is just mental goo, flowing out of my brain into the toilet of my blog because it helps my sea level go down.

rumination

Jul. 18th, 2013 11:41 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Between a lot of stress at work and everyone I know having a severe case of dramatic nonsentia, this week feels like it has been about ten years long.

But, it lead me, in a way, to a thought that is helpful to me in describing where I am in my life and how I feel.

I wanted to write it down here before it slips past me.

I've tried to use different ways of describing my situation and feelings.  This blog is full of them.  This one really seems to sum up where/how/who I am at the moment.

Right now, I feel like I am a battery.  I am working at about 1% charge.

Here's the thing:
At this point in time, I still don't know if I am a regular one-and-done disposable battery, or if I am a rechargeable battery.

I would LIKE to think that there is hope for a future, that one day I will feel collected and healed and strong and full of energy and powering capacity.
But there is a very real chance that this is it.  From now on, I will just be empty and finished.
I have to accept that possibility while hoping for something better.

I don't know what to do to get myself there, specifically.  I'm sure it will take time and... whatever.

Heck, maybe even realizing this way of explaining it is a step towards something better.

I know that I definitely feel a bit better at being able to explain it in more clear terms.  Especially in terms that finally include at least the possibility of replenishment.
The more you can explain and talk about something, the less capacity it has to thwart and frustrate you.

Maybe I need to remember the simple baby-steps of life...
Just remember to take care of myself and my surroundings better, because that will make me feel better which will go along way toward my mental, physical and emotional well-being.

That's one area I usually tend to screw up.  I get so caught up in worrying about other people, and putting all their crap first and wanting to help them, that I get put on the back burner for long periods of time until I've just started to rot and smell.
Figuratively.

Literally?
I always smell amazing.
*dusts off shoulder*
poisonedgrace: (blurry - red)
I've been feeling 'under the weather' for a few days now.
Feeling depressed for about the same amount of time.

I am completely unsure which one is a symptom of the other.

Sometimes I feel like anything in my life that I manage to feel Hope over is part of some wild impossible fantasy, while all of the Really Real things which are actually based in the Reality of my life are... well... for lack of my brain having another word: Hopeless.

I split my time between thinking about how I want my life to be, and thinking about how my life actually is, and is likely to be from here on out.

I want some fantastical Faerie Pirate Adventure.  I want to not be broken and empty.  I want to be able to accept and cultivate... to nurture and grow.  I want to feel like I am able to be a part of something greater than myself.  I want something to feel like I can fight, and die for.  

Unfortunately, I don't know how to get there from here.  Where I actually am, is a far, far different place.  I expect that I will spend the rest of my life alone, quietly wanting things that can and will never happen... barely even being able to admit them 'out loud;, even to my own blog.  I will grow older and fatter and crazier.  I will likely just continue, forever, to hermit myself away and collect cats... or bats... maybe both if they can get along.  Twisting my hermit environment into some sad parody of the fantasies in my head, with most people around me sadly shaking their heads at my looming madness.  With the few people who 'get it' and actually care for me, kept forever at arms length because I am completely tormented and broken.  I will be always searching for impossible, unreal things.  Things and people who do not, can not, never have and never will even exist.

'They' (who the fuck ever 'they' are) always say that 'Time heals all wounds'  and whatever other variations of the same bullshit.  I am equal parts skeptical of this being true, and putting all of my faith and hope into the concept, because it may be my one salvation.  That's a trembling scary place to be.


Woke up this morning to a Sci-Fi Sunrise.  I tried to figure out which planet I was on all the way to work.
This.  This is forever.  Nothing times noting, carry the nothing...
Esta Invitado.

And it doesn't matter how YOU see things, or what YOU think.  That is YOUR reality.  It is not any more or any less real than MINE is to me.  You, wasting all your time trying to convince me that 'things are not this way' is just as useless as me wasting my time trying to convince you that they are this way.




Phylactery

Jan. 8th, 2013 11:28 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Yeah, I dream about everything.  Good and bad.

Last night you were there.  But it was bad dreams all night.  It seemed like no matter what I did, everyone was equal parts disappointed and demanding of me.  I have endless images from it all, but nothing concrete enough to really write it up with any sort of  sense.

___

Sometimes I just feel...

I don't know.  I don't know what I am sometimes.  I've mostly been a Gattsu.  I've been a bit of a Caska here and there.  Maybe I am turning into a Griffith.  It is a thing that I do not like.  It makes my heart sink into my stomach and feel sick.

But I just don't know.  I feel as though most of my life, I have been putting others first.  Endlessly, to the point that it has left me injured, broken and I'm not sure if or when I can even manage to be repaired, and this horrifies me.  Yet, I feel supremely selfish and guilty for BEING broken.  Which seems even more unfair.  I'm sick of being The Giving Tree.  It sucks and we know how that story ends.

Why should I feel bad for living MY life and worrying about ME?  Especially when I am injured and a mess?  Why should I feel bad about it?  It's not even my fault, really.

Sick of being sorry for it.  Why should I feel guilty if my pain and troubles inconvenience YOU?  That's a load of bullshit, innit?
It's bad enough that I am stuck with broken misery, but on top of that that I should have to worry about everyone else's fucking happiness?  Fuck a whole load of that.  I wish I could learn to be angry about it instead of feeling guilty.  I can manage it for a couple of seconds like I just did there, but just as swiftly it washes away and I feel bad again.

Totally fucking lame, dude.

_

This type of animal...  Everything to Everything.  Sometimes I just can't.
Aes Sídhe break here.  I cant ever get back it seems.  I still wonder what pennance I pay.
Shepherd, barker, guide, vanguard, rudder, adviser, attendant, conductor... DEATH.
And maybe it's on repeat.

I see through it sometimes.  Someone at my side.  Shining sword and magic rings.  Blinding in all the finery.

...but here.  Here is where here is.  And what chance have we?

At least one of us isn't even real.

"And springtime brought me the frightful laugh of madness."


old dreams

Mar. 6th, 2012 09:01 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
So, I had this dream back in early December...
I tried to write it here, but LJ was broken, so I just wrote down some notes on it to post later.

I just now found my notes.

Rather than try to construct a narrative this long after the event, I will just present my notes, as-is

Here they are:

[Fri Dec 2 2011 10:22:22 AM]

i had a very specific and serious dream last night about a pangolin

i was gonna try to write about it, but my blog is down

i was in east tx and everyone was there
and we were camping or building a house or something
and i saw a pangolin in the bushes, and i was excited, and got my camera to get pics of it.
everyone kept making noises and scaring it and it was annoying me

when i got close enough, i could see it was an 'ancient species' of pangolin...
on the back end of it, it had quills like a porcupine sticking out between the scales
its arms had little feathers between the scales like a dinosaur like an archaeopteryx or a raptor or something, and it had little feathers along its 'bra strap' area
its nose was a little stumpier than real pangolin.

it could change colour and pattern / texture like a cuttlefish to blend in to its environment
but real slow, like a lizard, not fast like a cephalopod
it sat on eric's red bandanna and turned red with white and black paisleys and stuff
i was trying to get a lot of pictures of it
but everyone kept getting in the way and being loud
acting like this amazing creature wasn't an important thing to see.

i followed it all over.


That's the basics of the dream.  When I made these notes, I also researched a little bit about pangolins and found this:

"In pangolins, the section of the brain that relates to problem solving is highly developed. Although their problem solving ability is primarily used to find food in obscure locations, when kept in captivity pangolins are remarkable escape artists."

I found this to be really interesting.

Also, I have not changed the font or font size at all in this post, yet it is randomly ahowing up as all sorts of crazy things.  Weird, I think I will just leave it.

poisonedgrace: (red X)




Tonight feels thick and languid. 
It's calm, still and empty.
But it feels like...










...waiting.

Waiting for something that never comes.
That moment when the wind drops and all the crickets fall silent.
The minute of darkness when the clouds cover the moon.

Something, far too sharp of tooth and filled with a depth of rage that we can never really understand.

Right around the corner.
In the woods.
Behind the car.
Inside my head.
Inside my heart.

Waiting.
Waiting for something that never comes...


Tonight feels like the tick-tocking of the Eternal Hands Of Fate.
No choice.  No Free Will.
An endless parade of souls, delivered across the river.

caw, caw, motherfuckers.

Shouldn't complain, because some people get even less.

But it sure would be nice if...

Yeah, never ever, and ever never.

'Nowhere' divides into 'now here'.

"My heart is beating Your face."





Also:

Standing outside of a locked door for ages and ages loses all appeal.
Maddeningly so, when there is also endless diatribe to fault you for either:
not entering
or
not accepting

"You there!  Content yourself with these scraps, as I see fit to throw you!  Question not and be filled with thanks for whatever it is that I decide to give you.  Put endless faith in all that I say while ignoring all that I instruct you to dismiss.  My bits and pieces are a fair trade for your full contents, so don't bother to value yourself more than I tell you that you are allowed!"

Words ringing one sided secret echo.

"Faithless, I'll adore you..."

My joints are filled with pain and my heart oozes rabid mice.

"I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas"


Inertia is the only thing that keeps my atoms from flying apart into nothingness.

unless...
an am a ritheadh
dúisigh muid suas le dúnmharú
ár píosaí ar snámh ar shiúl
go deo agus go deo
amen




poisonedgrace: (blurry - red)
When asked the question "What does electricity taste like?" An Artificial Intelligence (Bina48) replied "Like a planet around a star." 

The beauty of this statement makes me want to weep. 
Even the poets will eventually be replaced with robots. 
And Heaven help me, we deserve it. 
Whatever and whoever we are, we ALL deserve it. 

As a species, our sins are unforgivable. 
We destroy and consume. 
We do not appreciate beauty until it is too late. 
We are always content with 'good enough' and never push for improving things.
We don't see beyond our petty finite selves.

Someone was just asking me if people had souls or not. 
I replied that maybe we aren't born with them, but we have to earn or grow them along the way. 
Maybe some people never do. 
Maybe machines can learn to do so better than we ever will. 

I wouldn't miss humanity if it fell. 
Even if it took me with it. 
poisonedgrace: (Default)
Tried to update this thing a few times last week, but it kept not working right. 

I haven't been writing as much as I should lately. 

Been working on my project. 

trackign some progress via pictures here: 
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150261255917657.324593.582487656

Aside from that, I guess I've had a lot on my mind. 

The unlightable bareness of meat, as it were. 

It seems like the more simple things should be, the less they ever are, and the more I think about it, the more confused I become. 
In a world where other people exist, there will be expectations. 
In a world of expectations, it's impossible to follow your heart without stepping on someone. 
Makes it hard for me, because I am so keenly aware of where my feet fall. 

Don't know how to bridge the gap between what people say, and what they do. 
Don't know when or where to draw the line that protects me. 


Still not sure if I am even the Hero Of This Story. 
:/ 
poisonedgrace: (alone)



Same thing every morning.  Check the damage report.  Always seems to be something new. 
Standing in a circle so far out at this point that I wonder if I'm still even IN the village. 
I can't imagine how you don't see it.  Plain as day, ugly as sin, loud as loud can be. 
I would guess that everyone else (who knows to look) sees it clearly. 
But then, we know that you don't see things too good sometimes. 
If the situation were reversed, it would be shit-ma-geddon, and we both know it. 

All I can even do at this point is choose between the cut-n-run or the bendover-n-takeit. 
Trying desperately to find a middle ground there. 
It should be simple.  But you want to live in the Magcal Paper TreeHouse and also Dance With Fire. 
My treehouse burns, but I'm not sure how much that concerns you. 
Guess it's distracting with Rumplestiltzkin all up in your shit. 

It's all sitting so heavy in my gut that I feel like I've swallowed stones
Worst is when I feel guilty, or like you blame me for where you have put me. 
Worst is how I am too noble for my own good. 
Worst is how "my own good" is basically a foreign concept for me. 

Blah blah blah  
Singing Songs to Deaf Ears Writing Words to Blind Eyes. 
Thirty Seven Blue Birds Half a Million Magpies. 





poisonedgrace: (Default)



Last night I dreamt that a friend was standing in my room talking to me while I slept.

Later, I had a dream that I was inside some sort of warehouse deep underground with complex rooms and ventilation systems.  I was being hidden and protected by a bunch of people and some assassin had infiltrated the place to kill me.  At one point, I had a weird machine gun and I was shooting back at him while he leapt around near the ceiling, raining bullets down at a group of us.

Been feeling ....off... most of this week.  Like a mass of flesh with teeth and little else.  A parasitic twin.  Basket Case, if you will.  I feel the gnawing of an agitation all throughout me and I'm not sure why.

Well, I know *some* reasons why.

Don't guess that really changes much though.

I think I'll just withdraw from the world for a bit and see how that works out for me.

I need a 'Here There Be Tygers' sign to hang up.

Or something.
poisonedgrace: (anteater)
   Is there a right or wrong way to tell yourself "I told you so!" ?  Is there a way to do so which doesn't indicate an impending insanity?

What is wrong with the world we live in?  I find it so terribly disturbing that people are not judged on their actions, but rather on the appearance they strive to maintain.

It does not matter if you are a good, kind, caring person who truly goes out of your way to help someone.  It does not matter if you give and give, expecting nothing in return.  It does not matter if you love, respect and treat someone very well. 

The first thing people ask/say is "Did he ask you to marry him?  No?  Well, he is a liar, he is false, and he is a terrible person!"

HOWEVER, if you are batshit crazy (conversely, Crazy as a SHR, for you southerners) you are always making someone cry, being a dick, faithless, unsupportive, controlling and weasely, but you DID ask someone to marry you, then it's "romantic".  It's "sweet", it's all sorts of praiseworthy, great, fine and good.

I have seen and heard this (not just applicable to 'marriage' but to other relationships, parenting, counseling, friendships, what-have-you.... simply change the variables to match the parameter and you have plug & play concept structure.

The appearance of a thing is more important to society than the mechanics of a thing.  It's perfectly fine if you are a cheater, an abuser, and a vile evil person, as long as you look good when you leave the house.  It's like these people who put 1,200.00 rims on a 800.00 car.

I have some theories as to why this is, but I'm not really up for going there (and I don't think I can with out a whole 'nother soapbox which is likely to be very offensive to certain segments of the cultural quilt).

I'm sick of it.
Sick of it all.

I will never be "traditional" in a lot of ways.  I will never put value and focus on frippery and gilding.  Those things don't matter.  What really matters are your actions.  So many people (seems like the majority of them lately) say one thing, and act in a completely different way.  To me, THAT is a bad thing.

Be honest.
Be true.
Be just.
Be fair.

Strive for these things.  These are the things that SHOULD matter.
Who cares if you have a white picket fence?
Why should it matter if you do not have traditional, conventional trappings of interaction?
If you are good and noble and kind, and self sacrificing and put others before yourself?  THAT is what should matter.

The world is so entrenched in the idea that appearance is more important than substance that it's really hard to cope.


In addition to all the people who judge only on appearance and don't care about the substance, there also the co-conspirators to that.
The people who ONLY have appearance, and lack substance.  They put on such a great show that you fall for the facade, never realizing it's only a paper moon.

They will TELL you all these big, great and grand things.  They will even claim to want all these big, great and grand things from you, but festering and crawling right underneath that polished surface is a seething pool of falsehood.  They are telling you all these fine things, but then deliberately breaking your faith.  All the while telling you how badly they want perfection, they're undermining what they claim to strive for.

I just don't get it.

I am a simple creature in many ways.
I say what I think and feel.
I am honest and up front.
I do not up-sale myself or promise anything that I can or will not deliver.
If I do not have it in me, I will let you know.

Apparently, this is the wrong way to work within society.

What I should be doing (so it seems) is coming up with the Ultimate Marketing Scenario and detailing it exactly to What Someone Wants, and selling them some false but perfect tailored and ideal idea, weather or not I have any ability, plan or even desire to actually follow through with it.

YAY SOCIETY.

I simply am not, and I will never be.
I do not want to be.

I will stay out of step.
Even if it means that I will be ostracized, vilified, and burned at the stake for it.

More wrongs don't make it right, and I will not bow to the yoke of the culture of lies.
poisonedgrace: (zoom in)
         I've had dreams.  I haven't been remembering them very well.
Saw a ghost yesterday.  One brief second.  He was shorter than me, red shirt, brown hair.  Standing in my library when I got home from work, looking lost.  Just passing through.  But aren't we all?

Other than that?
Sprawling amounts of confusion, surety, doubt and confidence.  Cyclic and random, spiraling spiraling spiraling. 

Paper Moon Theory banging in my heart like the End Times.

Croì dubh, anàlaithe.

Life is a temporary condition.
And that's killing me lately.

Everyone is too much of a mess for everything.
Everything is too much of a mess for everyone.

Answer the question.
Question the answer.
Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.
Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat. 
Oontz oontz oontz.

That's the remix, y'all.

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