I think I may have lost someone

Sep. 25th, 2017 12:37 am
instantkarmma: (*sigh*)
[personal profile] instantkarmma
Weird as it is to talk about, I have a pretty good track record helping people feeling suicidal. They have all been people I know or clients of mine though & today I reached out to someone a friend was talking with on Twitter. I'm hoping I didn't stick my foot in it, but they seemed receptive and I had them talking for about an hour. They were so far gone though...I don't feel like I helped them back from the brink. And I'm sad, but I'm not feeling like I thought I would. Maybe because the outcome is still unknown that it hasn't hit me but I've always been afraid to do suicide work because I didn't think I could handle it if I lost someone, that I would feel at fault & like I had failed. And I feel *awful* for this person and am still holding out hope that they decided to stick around yet I feel comfortable(?) about the help I was able to give. I mean, I feel like I did all I could. Maybe this is how a doctor feels when they have accepted there's no course of treatment left for their patient, I don't know. I wanted to get across that they were understood, that they were loved and not alone and from their responses I think at least that was effective. I hope so. Everyone deserves love & kindness.

got them images

Sep. 22nd, 2017 07:11 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
[personal profile] poisonedgrace
 
Reality is a scam.
The entire financial structure that everything is built on is a complete lie.
I have seen through it for years.

I never know if my depression makes me see through it and feel overwhelmed.
Or if seeing through it makes me feel depressed and overwhelmed.

I guess it shakes out the same either way.

I am working to stay motivated and positive though.
It's not working very well, but I'm trying.

Got to spend some time crafting yesterday, for a bit.  Going to try to do more today, and this weekend. 
As long as I can do it without having to spend any money on supplies, I am ok.  If I run into a wall where I need something, then it's a dead end because I have no money for a while to come.

But that is a thing that may never change, so I will keep trying to make the best of it.


fish heads

Sep. 21st, 2017 07:06 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
[personal profile] poisonedgrace
 
Nothing much again today.
I don't remember any dreams.
I've been busy with small chores / maintenance tasks, and haven't done anything interesting or exciting.
I got some Harry Potter underwear.  If that counts.

The calendar falls so that there are 3 paychecks in this month, rather than 2.
If I am careful, that may enable me to pay off a bill 3 months early.  That will make my finances slightly less tight for a small window.
In a way, but Also, I guess not really. because I will have to ransack the small amount of money that I had been scraping together for emergencies to do it.  And then, in November or December, I am going to have a new monthly bill to worry about.  So what it will accomplish, is to have one end before another begins, which is good, because I wouldn't be able to cover them both at the same time.
Not any real victory, upon inspection, but at least a possibility to avoid tragedy. 

I guess sometimes, that's the best you can hope for.

...and a potatoe

Sep. 20th, 2017 10:19 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
[personal profile] poisonedgrace


 

I guess the hillbilly shit is dealt with for now.  It went about like I expected it to.  
___

I haven't been remembering my dreams, so there's none of those to share.

I found the coolest bit of inspiration.  If I win the lottery, I am going to buy this immediately:
https://orangecounty.craigslist.org/cto/6308916765.html

In case the listing dies, I will share pics:
Cut for size and multiple pics )  And the text:
"This is a 1962 Studebaker sits on a 70 7K5 Blazer chassis everything you could imagine has been fully replaced and fully restored he sits on brand new 37 inch Toyo's on 20 inch XTs fox reservoirs all the way around. metal mulisha exhaust all brand new auto meter gauges brand new summit racing wiring and fuel cell every sealed bearing bushing has been replaced everything has been powder coated has a brand new small block 350 with a nice camp 350 tranny The body's been professionally done Linex and painted over this is a one-of-a-kind build every single head turns when you're driving down the road there is way too much to list your more than welcome to call for more details and pictures thank you."
















(no subject)

Sep. 19th, 2017 07:11 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
[personal profile] poisonedgrace
 I just don't even know what to say anymore at this point.

This is actually like living in some weird ass Scooby-Doo episode.


Irritation

Sep. 18th, 2017 07:16 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
[personal profile] poisonedgrace
 No dreams that I remember.  I was freezing cold all night because someone messed with the thermostat, apparently. 

This bad situation with the 'temporary' guests is becoming increasingly unsustainable.  They have zero respect for anyone or anything, they run their mouths in very unacceptable and alarmingly disrespectful ways.  Other small things / context clues have me increasingly convinced that their actual plan / goal is to just squat, rent free permanently, or at least for as long as possible.  I think a lot of the rudeness and trifling is because they are resentful that the house wasn't as empty as they thought it was when they launched this plan.  They didn't realize that we have a renter, and I don't think they realized that I have assumed a portion of the mortgage.  I really think that they believed that they'd be able to just stay there, and have the place to themselves for the parts of the year when the rest of the family is in Canada.  
I seriously think that they decided "Hey, free mansion! We only have to deal with the owners 1/2 the time! Score!"

But that is exactly the reason that I am buying my share of the place.  So that when it's paid off, everyone gets their cut, I am moving Away somewhere, and everyone can buy their own new places wherever they want to.  The sale will have a very good return, and we will all make money.  These turds though...  They don't know any of our private affairs (why would they?) and they thought that they were just going to have some easy street, and milk it for all it's worth.  They have been surprised and bitter since discovering that I am there, and that one of the rooms has been rented, as well.  The small aggressions have been endless.  Example: constantly moving my toiletries around in my bathroom.  Just endlessly opening drawers and rooting through stuff.  Moving things totally unrelated to them or their needs, from one place to another.  One drawer to another.  the counter top (out of the way)into a random drawer.  And this is seriously endless.  And it makes no sense other than 1. someone has some sort of mental issue which causes this sort of thing (OCD, or whatever else), which is not a known detail of these people.  Or, 2. just deliberately trying to be fucking trifling and irritating, like some Scooby-Doo villain trying to run someone off of the gold mine.  Given the other nonsense and overheard conversations, that makes a lot more sense.

This has escalated into active and unacceptable aggression.  Instances of them telling people to shut up, swearing at them, and calling people names behind their backs.  The worst of it is that these people have a history of violence (including gun violence).  It's one thing to try to help out extended family when they are in a pinch, but it's another thing when they're going to be shitty and abusive while you try to do it.  I tried to be patient, but I am also not going to sit around and keep feeding the mouth that bites me.

I have called a house meeting on it, and I think we will be discussing it later today.  
___

Aside from that, I have been trying to continue with the cleaning and organizing, but needless to say they've put a kink in the situation.



giant pecan

Sep. 15th, 2017 07:12 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
[personal profile] poisonedgrace
 
Last night, I dreamed that I was riding in a car.  One guy was driving, and there was an additional guy and girl in the back.  We had to drive a winding path through a tunnel (it felt like I had been there before) and the driver was getting super nervous, and kept scraping up against the wall.  I was talking to him to help calm him down, and I put a hand on the wheel to smooth his jerky movements.  We eventually made it out, and then across a wooden bridge.  At the end of that, we had to go into a sort of barn thing, and turn right, drive to the end, and exit to the left.

I had been here before, and I knew that transitioning from the bridge to the barn, there was a sort of post in the middle, to divide traffic to the left and the right.  On top of the post was a sort of table-top that easily flipped up.  It was meant to throttle traffic, so you would stop, raise the flap, and drive through.  Same as a small gate into a property.  We stopped, I got out and removed the right side of the table top thing, and the driver pulled the car through.  Before we made it out of the barn, these two guys started trouble with us.  I can't remember what they said or did, but I lost my calm with them
.  I also don't remember the details or depth of the altercation.  It's all a bit fuzzy now.  

I know there were other dreams as well, but that's all I managed to bring back with me.
___






















Barking in the wrong key

Sep. 14th, 2017 07:10 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
[personal profile] poisonedgrace
 
Last night, I dreamed about a combination of work and school.  Pretty much everyone, ever was there, and we had different classrooms, but the stuff we did was work stuff from my job.  There was some sort of contest where we were supposed to submit a poem, and then they would select a winner, who would receive a certificate giving them immunity from having to work for some time period.  I wasn't really into it, but someone else submitted a random poem of mine on my behalf.  I won, and got the certificate, but then I was supposed to read the poem out loud, which I do not like, or approve of.  Plus, I didn't know which one it was.  Finally, I got a news letter with the winning poem in it, only what was in the newsletter, was actually an introduction letter to the poem, saying why the person had submitted it, which didn't help at all.  There was more to this, but I can't remember.
___

There is always one more thing.  Always.





(no subject)

Sep. 13th, 2017 07:09 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
[personal profile] poisonedgrace
 
Last night, I dreamed of some weird apocalyptic mechanized world where Nigel and I had to pilot a sort of robot / mecha thing in order to escape certain doom.  


I woke up to discover that everything still sucks.

Company?

Sep. 12th, 2017 07:34 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
[personal profile] poisonedgrace
 I'm back.

Been home from work the last 3 business days,

Misery fading into dreams.  Dreams fading into misery.

I'm still here.  
Sometimes I don't know why.

I guess things relationship wise have been smooth since the previously mentioned 'Come to Jesus' discussion.  Which again... Just proves that it can be.  And if it can be, and it should be, then why isn't it?  Why does it take some special apocalypse in order for things to be smooth?  But I guess I am just being picky and fussy, to dwell on it.  Learn the lesson, and move forward.

That isn't the largest factor in my current spiraling depression.
The (also previously mentioned) 'house guests' are the lion's share of the issue, to be sure.

IDK if 'vagueblogging' is a thing.  I'm not really trying to be like that.
I guess....  Sometimes, shouting into the void is as useless as anything else.

No offence, Void.  Hope your family is well.

I've only ever talked to maybe 2, possibly 3 people about the issues with this particular family member.  I don't know that anyone even bothers to remember.  Not that I would expect them to, I guess.  Not like I'm going to blast it out here, considering how closely I have kept it my entire life.  I'll just be glad and relieved when they are gone.




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