poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-09-20 10:19 am

...and a potatoe


I guess the hillbilly shit is dealt with for now.  It went about like I expected it to.  

I haven't been remembering my dreams, so there's none of those to share.

I found the coolest bit of inspiration.  If I win the lottery, I am going to buy this immediately:

In case the listing dies, I will share pics:
Cut for size and multiple pics )  And the text:
"This is a 1962 Studebaker sits on a 70 7K5 Blazer chassis everything you could imagine has been fully replaced and fully restored he sits on brand new 37 inch Toyo's on 20 inch XTs fox reservoirs all the way around. metal mulisha exhaust all brand new auto meter gauges brand new summit racing wiring and fuel cell every sealed bearing bushing has been replaced everything has been powder coated has a brand new small block 350 with a nice camp 350 tranny The body's been professionally done Linex and painted over this is a one-of-a-kind build every single head turns when you're driving down the road there is way too much to list your more than welcome to call for more details and pictures thank you."

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-09-19 07:11 am

(no subject)

 I just don't even know what to say anymore at this point.

This is actually like living in some weird ass Scooby-Doo episode.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-09-18 07:16 am


 No dreams that I remember.  I was freezing cold all night because someone messed with the thermostat, apparently. 

This bad situation with the 'temporary' guests is becoming increasingly unsustainable.  They have zero respect for anyone or anything, they run their mouths in very unacceptable and alarmingly disrespectful ways.  Other small things / context clues have me increasingly convinced that their actual plan / goal is to just squat, rent free permanently, or at least for as long as possible.  I think a lot of the rudeness and trifling is because they are resentful that the house wasn't as empty as they thought it was when they launched this plan.  They didn't realize that we have a renter, and I don't think they realized that I have assumed a portion of the mortgage.  I really think that they believed that they'd be able to just stay there, and have the place to themselves for the parts of the year when the rest of the family is in Canada.  
I seriously think that they decided "Hey, free mansion! We only have to deal with the owners 1/2 the time! Score!"

But that is exactly the reason that I am buying my share of the place.  So that when it's paid off, everyone gets their cut, I am moving Away somewhere, and everyone can buy their own new places wherever they want to.  The sale will have a very good return, and we will all make money.  These turds though...  They don't know any of our private affairs (why would they?) and they thought that they were just going to have some easy street, and milk it for all it's worth.  They have been surprised and bitter since discovering that I am there, and that one of the rooms has been rented, as well.  The small aggressions have been endless.  Example: constantly moving my toiletries around in my bathroom.  Just endlessly opening drawers and rooting through stuff.  Moving things totally unrelated to them or their needs, from one place to another.  One drawer to another.  the counter top (out of the way)into a random drawer.  And this is seriously endless.  And it makes no sense other than 1. someone has some sort of mental issue which causes this sort of thing (OCD, or whatever else), which is not a known detail of these people.  Or, 2. just deliberately trying to be fucking trifling and irritating, like some Scooby-Doo villain trying to run someone off of the gold mine.  Given the other nonsense and overheard conversations, that makes a lot more sense.

This has escalated into active and unacceptable aggression.  Instances of them telling people to shut up, swearing at them, and calling people names behind their backs.  The worst of it is that these people have a history of violence (including gun violence).  It's one thing to try to help out extended family when they are in a pinch, but it's another thing when they're going to be shitty and abusive while you try to do it.  I tried to be patient, but I am also not going to sit around and keep feeding the mouth that bites me.

I have called a house meeting on it, and I think we will be discussing it later today.  

Aside from that, I have been trying to continue with the cleaning and organizing, but needless to say they've put a kink in the situation.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-09-15 07:12 am
Entry tags:

giant pecan

Last night, I dreamed that I was riding in a car.  One guy was driving, and there was an additional guy and girl in the back.  We had to drive a winding path through a tunnel (it felt like I had been there before) and the driver was getting super nervous, and kept scraping up against the wall.  I was talking to him to help calm him down, and I put a hand on the wheel to smooth his jerky movements.  We eventually made it out, and then across a wooden bridge.  At the end of that, we had to go into a sort of barn thing, and turn right, drive to the end, and exit to the left.

I had been here before, and I knew that transitioning from the bridge to the barn, there was a sort of post in the middle, to divide traffic to the left and the right.  On top of the post was a sort of table-top that easily flipped up.  It was meant to throttle traffic, so you would stop, raise the flap, and drive through.  Same as a small gate into a property.  We stopped, I got out and removed the right side of the table top thing, and the driver pulled the car through.  Before we made it out of the barn, these two guys started trouble with us.  I can't remember what they said or did, but I lost my calm with them
.  I also don't remember the details or depth of the altercation.  It's all a bit fuzzy now.  

I know there were other dreams as well, but that's all I managed to bring back with me.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-09-14 07:10 am
Entry tags:

Barking in the wrong key

Last night, I dreamed about a combination of work and school.  Pretty much everyone, ever was there, and we had different classrooms, but the stuff we did was work stuff from my job.  There was some sort of contest where we were supposed to submit a poem, and then they would select a winner, who would receive a certificate giving them immunity from having to work for some time period.  I wasn't really into it, but someone else submitted a random poem of mine on my behalf.  I won, and got the certificate, but then I was supposed to read the poem out loud, which I do not like, or approve of.  Plus, I didn't know which one it was.  Finally, I got a news letter with the winning poem in it, only what was in the newsletter, was actually an introduction letter to the poem, saying why the person had submitted it, which didn't help at all.  There was more to this, but I can't remember.

There is always one more thing.  Always.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-09-13 07:09 am
Entry tags:

(no subject)

Last night, I dreamed of some weird apocalyptic mechanized world where Nigel and I had to pilot a sort of robot / mecha thing in order to escape certain doom.  

I woke up to discover that everything still sucks.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-09-12 07:34 am


 I'm back.

Been home from work the last 3 business days,

Misery fading into dreams.  Dreams fading into misery.

I'm still here.  
Sometimes I don't know why.

I guess things relationship wise have been smooth since the previously mentioned 'Come to Jesus' discussion.  Which again... Just proves that it can be.  And if it can be, and it should be, then why isn't it?  Why does it take some special apocalypse in order for things to be smooth?  But I guess I am just being picky and fussy, to dwell on it.  Learn the lesson, and move forward.

That isn't the largest factor in my current spiraling depression.
The (also previously mentioned) 'house guests' are the lion's share of the issue, to be sure.

IDK if 'vagueblogging' is a thing.  I'm not really trying to be like that.
I guess....  Sometimes, shouting into the void is as useless as anything else.

No offence, Void.  Hope your family is well.

I've only ever talked to maybe 2, possibly 3 people about the issues with this particular family member.  I don't know that anyone even bothers to remember.  Not that I would expect them to, I guess.  Not like I'm going to blast it out here, considering how closely I have kept it my entire life.  I'll just be glad and relieved when they are gone.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-09-06 07:03 am
Entry tags:

Himalayan White

 Last night, I remember two different dreams.  I think there was at least another one, but I can't remember.
First, I was waiting in line to see an alien skull fossil thing.  Some guy had it, and they were doing a viewing at some tattoo shop.  You could buy replicas and souvenirs and whatever, but they were displaying the real thing.  I wasn't sure to believe it or not, so I wanted to see it myself, in person.  After making it through the line, I got to see it, and even hold it.  It was a skull, in a rock, sort of, fragmentary / fossil style.  Looked sort of like a human fetal skull, but larger, with some odd protrusions and stuff.  As I inspected it, I could not make up my mind if it was a fake or not.  I left with a little fist size replica of it, and continued to inspect it through the parking lot to a car, where I then drove around in the middle of the night, looking for food places that were open.

The next dream I had, there was some sort of big unstoppable creature chasing M'kali.  No one knew what it wanted or what motivated it, but she just kept running.  It had been chasing her for a long time, and it seemed like it was endlessly just about to get her.  She was running through some area with a lot of cloth hanging down, like laundry lines, trying sheets, but as far as could be seen, maybe down an alley or something.  She got far enough ahead to move to the side, and double back until it passed her, then she went to another place, but I don't know where.  When she came back to the world, the creature was down below where she came out.  It was laying at the bottom of a pond, fur sort of floating in the water.  She was asking someone about it (I don't know who it was, but they reminded me of my sister), and they told her that it had been dormant the entire time she was gone.  After she had been there a brief time, it started to stir and wake up.  It didn't take long before it was coming right towards her again, trying to get up where she was.  She contemplated leaving the world again, but obviously, she didn't want to leave forever, and that was a temporary solution at best.  She was coming up with some sort of plan, but I woke up.

Everything still completely smooth, so far.  
I ate too many tacos yesterday.
Today, after work, I am going by the grocery store, on a quest to buy all the halloween cereals.  I realized that in my life, I think that maybe, as a kid, I tried Frankenberry one time, but I have never gotten to try them all.  We were too poor when I was a kid, and sadly, it just never occurred to me until recently, that it was something that I have the power to remedy now.  Hopefully they are out already.  I saw some Count Chocula at Target, but they didn't have all 4, so I figured I would wait and go to a real grocery store.

Also going to buy a family size tater tots, and cook the entire thing in the deep fryer :D

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-09-05 07:32 am
Entry tags:

pumpkin faces

 Last night, I dreamed about some sort of 50s comic book style life.  I went to some simple 50s school, with some simple 50s friends, in a simple 50s small town version of where I lived as a kid.  It was like something straight out of the old Archie comics.  I wasn't getting along with my one and only/best friend.  So I was trying to make friends with some of the other kids.  After some sort of PE class, I was walking past my grandfather's house, and had to stop, and sit in my bed (which was in a field) and use my computer to take some calls from work.  

I got a call from a lady in one of our branch offices, who sent me a document.  To access it, I had to tear my computer monitor apart and pull out a piece of paper, which was basically a print out of the screen.  The lady then walked out of my grandpa's shed, and made me go to the grocery store with her, where she fed me some weird soda's and cakes and stuff.


Weekend was a roller-coaster

Saturday, things got bad. 
I had a really serious "Come to Jesus" discussion with my GF.  Of the "or else" variety.  I guess we will see how it goes.  Pretty much immediately since that moment, she has been acting exemplary.  Which is good, but in another way kinda irks me a bit, because it just goes to show that clearly she has it in her, and she just ends up indulging the negative, combative and destructive tendencies, when in reality, she is entirely capable of overcoming them.  

Yesterday, had a family meeting with my mom and step-dad, re: the hurricane / awful life choices refugees who are staying with us.  We got a plan for dealing with it, and we are all on the same page.  Hopefully it resolves itself before any feet have to come down or any deadlines get pushed.  We also talked about repairing the back fence, and adding a double gate, so I can get car projects into the backyard to have more space and privacy for working on stuff.  

I guess I don't really feel like delving up lots of details on anything, since I am in the 'wait and see' phases.
I'll just be over here... Waiting... and... seeing...

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-09-01 07:16 am
Entry tags:

Better late than Zelda

 Thursday night, I dreamed about a big library sort of place.  I was either dropped off there for a whole day, or I had dropped someone else off, I'm not sure.  After a while, I was waiting in a car, with a pile of books.  I think I had a telephone conversation about a cat.  Or maybe it was a telephone conversation WITH a cat.  It's unclear.  Whoever I was waiting on was not coming for like 8 hours, so I decided to sleep in the car.  As I tried to sleep, some weirdo started breaking into the car, waving a hand held Nintendo of some flavor in my face, screaming "I made you in Zelda!"  I looked at the screen, and there was some sort of character creation thing going on, and they had made a little guy who did sort of resemble me.  I went to the courthouse and filed papers of some sort, I think it was a restraining order on the Zelda situation.  I know some other stuff happened, but I can't recall what.

Time is slowly grinding, grinding slowly, and it's a slow grind.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-08-31 07:07 am
Entry tags:

Just as likely to go in a nuclear fire anyhow...



Sometimes Life feels like an existential debate in slow motion.  Swans languidly turning circles on the glassy surface of a cemetery pond.
All it would take is a chain and two padlocks, and I could change it all, forever.
"Forever" is perspective.  It might only last 5 more minutes..
Maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing.

I had dreams last night.  I was driving through a flood (like the one that came when I was a kid).  Only this time I was with my family, instead of alone.  We stopped the car, and I went out towards the water, where the alligators were.  I had to retrieve a red and white plastic cooler from the edge of the water.  It had some family member's stuff in it.  As I tried to get it, some other people were coming along.  I had feelings of complete terror that they were going to see me, and they were going to know that I wasn't human, and that I didn't belong.  

I woke up with a lot of pain in my spine.  It's the lower right area.  It might also be in my hip.  It's hard to tell because it hurts so much that it's difficult to tell where the pain is located.

"Anyone who says differently is selling something", right?

But... What is the point?

Oh, Hamlet, my love...  Is it better to be an automaton?  Which part is the part that matters?

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-08-30 07:17 am

hikikomori blues

     Having one of those times where I am realizing that I will never get to make all the art that I want to, unless I win the lottery. When I take inventory of tools and supplies, with a look at what I have versus what I would need for some of the ideas in my head, and consider the financial resources at my disposal to bridge that gap...

The best, most logical decision really would be to just give up. Stop wasting my time, money and life on such nonsense. Maybe just join the straight world and live as quiet and normal, orderly a life as possible. I wonder if it is this sort of endless defeat that beats people into becoming 'adults' and eternally allows capitalism to destroy all of our dreams...

Long story short, re the 'family stuff' i mentioned recently:
Just before the big hurricane we are still wrapping up with in the area, my mom and stepdad left for an out of state vacation.  After they were on the road, and the storm started looking bad, she sent a message to all her family members in the storm path, letting them know that if they wanted to leave the storm area, that they could come stay with me.

She didn't discuss this with me ahead of time.

And the asked sets of people who do not even get along with one another.  Like I am just happy to mediate hillbilly family feud or something.  Only one set of them showed up, so at least that part wasn't an issue.  2 people and a dog.  Not really going to get into the particular issues going on with the family history / dynamic there, but it has been very unpleasant for me, for very valid reasons.

On top of that, they've been doing a lot of furtive whispering and sketchy, jumpy behavior.  They brought a gun with them, even though due to a history of fier-arm violence and legal trouble, they are not allowed to own.  I came home one day from work (they had only been alone there for about an hour) and the garage door was wide open with no explanation, and no one in attendance.  We got ants in the kitchen due to uncleanliness.  The TV / Cable box has been messed up TWICE, due to their incompetence with technology.  The extra fridge stopped working when they were there alone.  They will barely talk to me and leave the room when I show up, but they will ask probing questions to other people, like they're trying to find some way to stay permanently.  Which i suspect may have been their goal all along.  I could continue to list weird small things, but there's no point.  2 more days and my mom will be back to deal with them.

I have been trying to leave work early every day to keep an eye on them, eating up my vacation time.
It is thoroughly irritating.

On top of that, still dealing with the regular Roller-coaster Of Bullshit, which has been bad enough in the past 24 hours that I am seriously one fucking hair from being done with it (again).  I know that I sound like a broken record with this, but I have never been in a situation where someone could so artfully push just to the exact line of a breaking point, then behave enough to let it cool down, just to do it again.  I am at 99.9% of my limit at this exact moment however, so we will see how things go.

All this shit added up is bringing on a depression.  The best way for me to work through that is to be able to create and get lost in that.  But of course, see the first paragraph.

Sometimes I think maybe it would be easiest to just cancel my subscription and start over.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-08-29 07:16 am
Entry tags:


I remember a vague dream last night about someone having a touch (like they'd lay their hand on something, and use the power) that made things sort of go back in time, or get younger, or repaired or whatever.  It seemed to work on anything.  That's about all I can remember though.  I know that I had several other dreams, but they are lost.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-08-28 08:32 am
Entry tags:



Last night, I dreamed that I was telling someone about a vacation that I went on once.  As I told them, I had very vivid memories of this vacation, only, it never happened.  Weird memories within a dream where the memories were somehow the dream.  After that, I had a dream about having a huge amount of books, and a lot of space and shelves and rooms to keep them all in.

Still don't have the will to talk about my current family based irritation, so I'm going to just not do it again.

I sat awake in bed last night trying to get some sleep, but all my brain would do is obsess about some new ideas for a Halloween costume that I was having.  I don't know if I have the materials on hand to even begin it, even assuming that I would have time, and I don't know that I could scrape up the funds to get any of the materials, so I guess my brain will just keep me up every night trying to force me to create when I have no means to do so.  Fun.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-08-25 06:56 am
Entry tags:

(no subject)

Last night, I dreamed about traveling on foot across a desolate landscape.  It was mostly rocks and holes and barren fields and lifeless hills.  The whole world looked like a rock quarry or something.  The few structures that I came across seemed old and dry and burned out.  There was not much in the way of supplies, or gear or anything.  The occasional settlement was sort of a ramshackle trading post.  The only travelers of note (aside from the occasional wander like myself) were some caravans of traders and refugees going from one ramshackle barter town to another.

I was traveling with a kid, and we thoroughly foraged any and everything that we came across.  We passed through a crappy little settlement, and we were heading the same direction as a caravan.  We traveled near it, but not officially a part of it.  At some point in the night, some sort of big creature attacked the caravan.  It was probably 10 or 12 feet tall, and 12 to 15 feet long.  Something sort of like an insect reptile I guess.  I had some sort of homemade gun thing, but I only had like 4 shots with it.  After I hit it, it changed size and shape, and became some really small rodent type thing, so it could hide and escape.  We tried frantically to track and destroy it.  It would suddenly change back into the big monster form, launch an attack, then switch to the small fast rodent one again.  I woke up at some point during the action sequence.


The next dream I remember was being in a truck, with some friend, and their mom was driving, and she kept hitting parked vehicles, then driving off.

After that, I dreamed that I went with a friend to visit their dad, and he was in a big sort of garage room with a bunch of kittens, and an old Capcom AVP Arcade Machine.  I got excited, because the machine was mine, and I had been missing it for years, and was so excited to find it again.  I don't know why he had it all that time.

Hoping the weekend goes well.  Really unhappy about some family business, but I don't feel like getting into it at the moment.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-08-24 08:26 am



Survived the eclipse.  Griffith didn't get me.  No Old Wizard Whateley, either.  I guess that's about the best to hope for.

Didn't come to work Mon, Tues, or Weds.
Everyone else had poor planning and no teamwork, so (as usual when that happens) it fell on me to do something about it. 
I guess it was a good thing that I was there, because (of course) as it played out,  there were more points of failure than just the initially obvious.  So now, I might be in hot water at work, and I am down 165 dollars that I didn't have to start with.

But I am sure that in no time at all, I will hear how little I care, blah blah blah.  *Insert Kermit with tea* But I am trying to not be negative.
Which is hard, because I am not normally even like that.  Or at least If I am (or was), I have pretty much mastered getting over it.  This has been put into the situation by external (to me) negativity.  Ugh.  

But the business is attended.  Kitty surgery complete.  I spent the last 2 days sitting with her.  She will be alone while I am at work today, but I think she'll be fine.  Today, then Friday, and I will sit with her all weekend.

Still slowly getting junk organized in the midst of it all, but it's been slower the last couple of days.  I think she is doing well enough (not even trying too hard to get around the cone collar and pick at her incision) that I can turn my back on her a bit.  I mean, assuming she does OK while I am at work.  Then I can get back to working on it all a bit.

I feel like all of my posts are pretty much the same these days.

Maybe I should just start to copy / paste them.
Like... make myself a form letter, and just adjust the variables as needed.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-08-18 12:12 pm
Entry tags:


I remember only a fragment of a dream last night.  I was at work, and nothing was going right.  My monitors kept falling over, my keyboard and mouse were sliding all over, the phone wasn't right.  Everything that could be was tangled together.  It was just a mess.

Aside from that, I don't really have much right now.
Things I know, spiraling about.  The past and the future, and I don't know that I understand linear time anymore.
The relief that it's the weekend (society, work) versus the tension that it's the weekend (will she behave, will we break up?) is making me very tired.  I'm going after work to buy some snacks, and then stopping up to pick up a really good pizza.  The Defenders premiers on Netflix today, so I am going to surprise her, and try to marathon it.  That's the best that I have in me right now, and if it ends up not going smoothly, due to her rage issues, or if she decides to start picking everything apart and starting shit externally, because she hates herself internally, then I am fucking done.  

I am still on zero tolerance mode.  However, I am not using that as an excuse to be mean or ugly, or to avoid.  Truth be told, I don't have any anger about it.  Just weariness.  I am looking forward to making a small surprise of it, and trying to have a nice time, but at the same time, I am so emotionally / concern fatigued, and mentally exhausted, that if it goes badly, whatever.  I move on.  I have gone above and beyond in this 'relationship'.  I have given until I am empty.  I have had the patience of a mountain range.  That's who I am.  If I am this worn down, you'd better believe that there are an overwhelming number of good reasons.

I guess my only real reason for talking about it here, is to help organize my thoughts and my insides, and to state it to myself plainly, so that I may hold myself accountable.  The only fiddly part, is going to be sure that I measure accurately.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-08-17 07:14 am

fighting the mold in the bowl

Vague dream memory last night... An impression of some piles of unknown things that needed to be sorted.  Not much beyond that.

Today has started out with at least the foreshadowing of issues.  Let's see how it goes.
Going to continue doing my best, but not going to take any shit, either.
I still really have not come back any from that edge.  I feel like every time I get pushed there, it takes a longer and longer recovery period.  I suppose that's normal though.  That's why over time, people just get fed up with other people's bullshit.  Which is why people should make a genuine effort to work through their bullshit, and improve themselves and their behavior.  Especially when they aren't kids anymore.  there's some excuse for it when we were all 'young adults', as we are still learning.  But really once you are 1/2 way through your 20s, there's no excuse, and once you hit 30, you should just be ashamed of yourself.  But that said, it's never too late for people to work it the hell out.  

Maybe sometimes those catastrophic life lessons are needed.
The fuck do I know though?

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-08-16 07:02 am
Entry tags:

he probably can't read either...

I dreamed last night that we were traveling across the country, through crazy, collapsing terrain, driving a weird homemade offroad vehicle, and we had a pet bear.  everything was like a mudslide or an avalanche or a sinkhole or pit or cliff or something, and we had to make the bear run outside of the car because the combined weight was too much, and we had to try to plan and organize all this mess at once.  It was hectic and nerve wracking.  The navigation around, over and through all the terrain was fraught with peril and things kept crumbling away.  The bear was like a happy, dumb puppy, the size of a van.  It was somehow like trying to play 2 video games at once.

Things still, surprisingly, going smoothly.  Interesting how that seems to be the case when I am on zero tolerance / 'give me 1 more excuse' mode.  At this point, it is likely that I am reading too much into it, and some degree of paranoid though.  Who fucking knows.

I miss my pet bear.  The dumb goof.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
2017-08-15 07:15 am
Entry tags:

one horned mule


Vague dreams that I was trying to work from home, but every time I took a call, someone had a hissy fit and I had to spend hours trying to repair my life.

Not much more than that, however.

Feeling deflated at the moment.  The world is terrible and people need to be vigorously washed with gritty soap until they are finished being stupid and hateful and evil.   

I just want to go live in the forest, in a magical land and create my own things.