Having one of those times where I am realizing that I will never get to make all the art that I want to, unless I win the lottery. When I take inventory of tools and supplies, with a look at what I have versus what I would need for some of the ideas in my head, and consider the financial resources at my disposal to bridge that gap...
The best, most logical decision really would be to just give up. Stop wasting my time, money and life on such nonsense. Maybe just join the straight world and live as quiet and normal, orderly a life as possible. I wonder if it is this sort of endless defeat that beats people into becoming 'adults' and eternally allows capitalism to destroy all of our dreams...
Long story short, re the 'family stuff' i mentioned recently:
Just before the big hurricane we are still wrapping up with in the area, my mom and stepdad left for an out of state vacation. After they were on the road, and the storm started looking bad, she sent a message to all her family members in the storm path, letting them know that if they wanted to leave the storm area, that they could come stay with me.
She didn't discuss this with me ahead of time.
And the asked sets of people who do not even get along with one another. Like I am just happy to mediate hillbilly family feud or something. Only one set of them showed up, so at least that part wasn't an issue. 2 people and a dog. Not really going to get into the particular issues going on with the family history / dynamic there, but it has been very unpleasant for me, for very valid reasons.
On top of that, they've been doing a lot of furtive whispering and sketchy, jumpy behavior. They brought a gun with them, even though due to a history of fier-arm violence and legal trouble, they are not allowed to own. I came home one day from work (they had only been alone there for about an hour) and the garage door was wide open with no explanation, and no one in attendance. We got ants in the kitchen due to uncleanliness. The TV / Cable box has been messed up TWICE, due to their incompetence with technology. The extra fridge stopped working when they were there alone. They will barely talk to me and leave the room when I show up, but they will ask probing questions to other people, like they're trying to find some way to stay permanently. Which i suspect may have been their goal all along. I could continue to list weird small things, but there's no point. 2 more days and my mom will be back to deal with them.
I have been trying to leave work early every day to keep an eye on them, eating up my vacation time.
It is thoroughly irritating.
On top of that, still dealing with the regular Roller-coaster Of Bullshit, which has been bad enough in the past 24 hours that I am seriously one fucking hair from being done with it (again). I know that I sound like a broken record with this, but I have never been in a situation where someone could so artfully push just to the exact line of a breaking point, then behave enough to let it cool down, just to do it again. I am at 99.9% of my limit at this exact moment however, so we will see how things go.
All this shit added up is bringing on a depression. The best way for me to work through that is to be able to create and get lost in that. But of course, see the first paragraph.
Sometimes I think maybe it would be easiest to just cancel my subscription and start over.