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Last night, I dreamed about being in a parking lot at some big facility type place.  Maybe a college campus or something.  Someone was goofing off and backed into my car.  They had a car full of people, and they were mostly apologetic and we were trading insurance info and whatever when their friend came over to see what was going on.  Turns out, their friend was Ice T, and he was happy that I wasn't being a dick, even though his friends were totally at fault.  We got to talking and became friends, and went for a walk around this facility.

There was a big courtyard kind of area with some statues, and bathrooms and stuff.  We went to check out some graffiti we saw, and then we walked into a building for a few minutes.  When we came back out, someone had painted over the graffiti / mural thing, and we were pissed about it.   We agreed to meet back up at dark, and paint something on it.  

So the next scene, we were back there, at night, and neither one of us knew how to do graffiti murals, it turned out.  So we just painted some crappy little tags, that were clearly someone's first time attempt.  I think we actually just painted our real names, as well.  But for whatever reason, we were hella proud of ourselves.  We were walking away, congratulating ourselves when we noticed that one of the statues had a missing head.  We were pretty stoked about such a great act of vandalism, and were trying to check it out in the dark, when we noticed the head laying on the ground.  As we got closer, it was still tough to see in the dark, but we noticed it was hollow with something wet inside.  

Suddenly all the lights came on, and we could see that there was a real person's severed head stuffed inside the statue head, and all kinds of blood all over, and guys strewn up in the trees, like a serious mass murder bloodbath.  Reporters and police came boiling out like fire ants.  The killer had set up a bunch of props and cameras all over, and live streamed the entire thing, so we were not suspects, they knew we didn't do it, but we had to answer a lot of questions and then we got to assist in solving the case, which was going to be pretty rad,
but then I woke up.

After I fell back asleep, I had another dream that I was walking through a really sketchy neighborhood with a group of people that I was supposed to know.  We were trying to get to a house / building thing that we had been living / squatting in.  There was a really big trend in the neighborhood where everyone constantly threw rocks at one another non stop.  So it was really tough to get to where we were going uninjured, and then do whatever we needed to do and get out again.

We finally got there after a long stressful walk.  When we broke into the place, it was just filled with all kinds of junk and garbage and parts and whatever.  We had to sift through rooms and rooms of mess to try to find whatever we were supposed to take with us.  I found some strange Metro looking home made shotgun thing, and a bunch of random different sized ammo.  I was trying to load it all up and be ready to go.  Everyone else was coming up with whatever other weird crap.  The dream had a lot of details in how things looked, but not much narrative outside of this.

Glad this is a pay-day week.  Feels like it should be later than Wednesday though.  Gonna get my bills paid this week, and be 1 step closer to having a lighter burden.  Hopefully the rest of it goes in my favor, rather than extending this, and / or a worse version of it for a long time to come.

*crosses appendages*

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I had some really intense dream last night.  I woke up because of it.  But it's all faded away and I can't even remember if it was good, bad, scary, or what.

When I got home from work yesterday, I tried to eat, and every time I put food into my mouth, it got worse and worse.  I felt nauseated and awful, and it was like trying to spoon poisoned feces into my mouth and swallow.  I choked down a little bit, and then I just had to throw it away, because it got so bad that it was impossible to keep going.  I barely ate anything.  Then I went and got in bed and watched 4 hours of YouTube videos of Spider-Man action figure reviews.  What even is my life?

I seem ok this morning.  Ate some mini-donuts, but I don't know how much that counts.  Mainly just trying to keep my stomach from being loud while at work.  

Gotta go later today and get one of the cars inspected.  I think everything should be good on it, so hopefully it's a quick in and out.  I hate it though, it really stresses me out.  

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I got a sun burn this weekend
I was trying to get some light bulbs changed in the car before it got too hot, but it didn't go well, and turned into an almost all day affair.  The car has to be inspected on Tuesday, and had 2 bulbs out.  Should have been real quick and simple, but the designers of the car, and of the light bulbs thought differently.  
It's not too bad though, really.  I will put something on it when I get home, and it probably won't be an issue for more than a couple of days.  I hope.

I guess nothing else to talk about. Nothing new, no surprises. 
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Had some long, involved dream about lizards and snakes last night.  I don't really remember any specific details now though.

I don't guess there's anything else to say.  One fucking step closer to packing up and walking away, but whining about it won't make any difference.

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Aaaaaand just like that, the week went from everything going smoothly, and seeming fine, to rage, ridiculousness, and talk about breaking up.  Sometimes really small things turn into total fucking melt downs, and I just don't get it.

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Last night I dreamed of being at some really weird store.  They supposedly sold everything, but it was small and mostly seemed like they had dollar store type stuff on display, but if you asked for whatever, they pulled it out of the back.  I was with a group of people, and we were going somewhere else after.  They decided to give a ride to some strange heavy metal dude, and I had to sit in the back seat with him.

I know I had a couple of other dreams, but I don't remember anything.  One of them was about a Devil Man action figure though.  Or maybe it was part of that same one, I am not sure.

Not much else to say at the moment.
Business as usual, as they say.

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 Last night's dreams, I remember driving through a glorious swamp, teeming with live.  Every kind of green.  We went to visit someone who I think was supposed to be a cousin or something.  The only real details I remember are scenery stuff.

Night before last, I had some sort of 'wake up fighting' nightmare, but after I was fully awake, I couldn't remember any of it.

External (mostly job related) stresses are building up in her life, and I don't know how well she will manage it.
Historically, it's gone very poorly.  Life changes in general seem to.  I don't know how well it's going to work out, and then it puts me in that place of being torn.  

How patient can / should someone be?  There's a difference between being there for someone and allowing them to be negative, destructive, and hurl abuse.  Even if you sympathize with them and understand their reasons.  I feel like I spent a lot of time being too tolerant, and now I have been pushed too far for too long, and I don't know if I am "regular" or if I have become "intolerant".  Or maybe I am still too tolerant, and I am just upset about it.  Like I legit don't know where or how I am right now.

In general, she knows, too.  I guess she has finally listened to me a bit, and at least realizes how far she has pushed me, and how much my patience has eroded.  I think I have seen her make more effort and actual progress lately, than ever before.  But I am still like a mouse, sneaking through cat territory.  I can't shake the 'waiting for it to come' feeling.  

Ugh, it just feels like treading water.  I have no idea if we are any closer to the shore or not.

All I can do is wait, and see what comes next, I guess.  I hate for the blowup to come while she is dealing with other heavy mess in her life, but heavy mess or not, I have to learn to have boundaries, and standards for acceptable treatment.  I've never been horrible and aggressive or destructive towards any of my relationships when I had nightmares going on with other parts of my life.  I guess that needs to be my standard then.  I have spent a life trying to treat others how I want to be treated, I need to also demand the same treatment in return.

I feel like I am going in loops, with weird babbling pep-talks to myself.  
I guess if that's all ya got, then you make the best of it, right?

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 I had good rest last night, but I could have used another couple of hours, I think.

I dreamed of a different world.  I was with my family, and we had these sort of portable houses / ranger station sort of things, and we were choosing where to place them within a huge, empty, beautiful land.  I think we were each to be in charge of one, and live there, and run it as we saw fit.  We placed one of them on a huge hill (or a small mountain?  I realize that I don't know the technical difference), near where several dirt paths met.  My brother-in-law opened the building up, and started cooking massive amounts of all kinds of breakfast for everyone, like a big celebration.  A woman was there with me, and it seems like we were more than just friends.  We seemed very close.  This celebration went on for a while, with a lot of details, and then a lot of people (or everyone?) jam packed into a car, total clown style, and took off down the road.

Some big dorky, stupid guy was driving, and he had to have been the worst driver, and one of the stupidest humans, of all time.  He could not follow simple directions, instructions, or anything, and barely seemed to know how the car worked.  We debated just putting him out on the highway and being done.  Something happened, and next I knew, I was in a mall, waiting for everyone else.  I wandered into a store that had all kinds of weird carvings, from wood, bone, rock, and anything else you can imagine.  They also had things like porcupine quills, animal and human bones, weird antique knickknacks, and strange uniforms.  Some of the people in there were dressed as super heroes or something.
 I woke up as I was leaving the store.


Unexpected expenses aside (I had several this month), I got paid today, and managed to get the amount that I have to have for bills together, with about 20 bucks to live on left over.  I am counting that as a victory this round, with as tight as things have been.

One more paycheck along towards a time when things will finally improve some. only like 8.5 months left. LOL
I'm just going to take what small victories I can right now, and be happy with it. :D

Not much in other news.  This week has been a bit of a struggle with the depression, and I have been neglecting my self care due to it.  I am going to try to get my shit together today, and get back on track.

I am hoping to do a deep cleanse on my hair this weekend, and remove buildup and gunk amassed over time.  Hopefully that goes well, maybe I will write something about it Monday.

...broken wings providing what shelter they can to the world is better than one more greedy sumbitch.

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Last night, I dreamed that I was meeting with old friends, discussing all the good times that we used to have.  Only, it was all fictional, of course.  I don't know if I have old friends anymore, or that even if I did, that we would have good times past to discuss.  In the dream, we were making a good time of it though.

After a while, we went to check on someone they knew, and she was having a rough time, and there was some evil force.  I let Nigel loose, to combat the evil force, and he chased it around, killed it, and was eating it up,
and I woke up.

Did more work yesterday, slowly getting things done.  Might take a break today though, and rest my back, it's been unhappy since the middle of my cleaning yesterday.

The whole, whole world keeps turning and turning.

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 I think that I had some kind of weird dream about a prison last night, but I can't remember any details.

I keep doing that thing where I wake up a while before my alarm goes off, and waste part of my sleeping time.

My absolutely no money having ass had to scrape up the funds to buy a gas can.  Until I can afford to fix the brake lights and windshield wipers on the car project, I can't drive it anywhere without risk of a ticket.  During this time, I am being vigilant about starting it up once a week, and letting it run enough to make sure that things stay in working order.  it would be really bad to just let it sit until I am back to having money.  But of course, over time, the gas does down.  It's getting low finally, and I don't want to risk driving it down to the nearest station, because a ticket would cost a lot more than a gas can.  Apparently, there's been some strange gas can laws passed since last time I needed one, and they're more expensive and complicated than they used to be.  I did some research, and went ahead and ordered a decent one, because I will need to use it on an ongoing basis until I am able to regularly drive the thing.

It'll take me a bit of scrimping and being careful to get back on track, but it had to be done.  It was the cheapest and safest choice to make, so that's how it is.

Nothing else to report on, I suppose.  In times like this I always think on how nice it would be to have any part of the chunk of money that my father owes me, and how helpful it would be towards getting things taken care of.  While I realize it will never happen, the daydream does come to mind occasionally.  I actually think that my chances of winning the lottery would be more realistic, however.  And obviously that would be much more money haha.  So as long as I am playing make believe, I might as well leave him out of the equation.

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My dreams last night were odd, even for me.

First, I was living in some one room house with my whole family, and we were watching some weird TV show with a horror type theme.  I was trying to find something to eat from the freezer, but everything was encased in ice.  After that, I went for a walk around the neighborhood.   I had another person peripherally with me, and a dog who could sometimes talk.  The center of the neighborhood was pretty normal working class style places, but the farther towards the edges you got, the weirder, more backwoods, spooky and murder-house they started to get.  Someone, or something, had been patrolling the area eating people up or something. 

The next thing I remember, I was at a sort of place near a lake.  It seems like it was the same house, only from outside, only somehow not.  All at once.  On the lake, there was a sort of store type thing, and then up behind the lake, there was a cliff / mountain / waterfall type thing, and a system of caves.  I started out considering a nap in a hammock at the house place, but then went to the lake with my brother and our friend instead.  After a bit, we decided to climb the cliff (there was a path, and a lot of people all over).  The people were all mostly normal, but we were feral in my group.  Wearing little more than rags, and communicating in a strange primitive sort of way, more like animals than people.  As we climbed the cliff, we communicated with howls and a sort of song / chant sort of thing.  The people were mostly horrified.

A little over half way up, there was a room that we had to pass through.  Sort of an antique / souvenir shop, for lack of any other way to describe it.  Another friend we know worked in there, as a clerk, and was constantly reading stories to his son, and anyone else who stayed there long enough.  After some other things I don't remember, I got left behind by my feral pack, and was along in the store area.  There was a guy in there with an arm load of ouija boards, so we started talking, and showing one another our ouija board tattoos.  He also showed me a pet rat that he had who could talk.

That's about all I remember.

Nothing else much going on, different from yesterday.  Had some necessary expenses that I had to drop some money that I don't have on, so the tight living will be even more tight for a bit.  Aside from that, I can't think of anything else to comment on at the moment.

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 I had dreams, but I've forgotten most of the details.

I remember a person who was also a cylinder with ornate scrollwork around the middle.
I remember some sort of blinky time travel.
I remember moisture and glorious cool humidity.

But I have nothing else.

The weekend went ok.  I got a good bit done with my cleaning, it's slow going with my back, and due to the nature of the situation itself.  It's more 'going through stuff and organizing' than it is simply cleaning.  I have another chiropractor apt today.  Not sure if it is the last one or not.  I guess I will find out soon.  Scraped up enough money to get one of the items I need to be able to switch to working from home.  Got the next one in my sites.  Got this cycle of bills paid.  June down.  7 more months until I have a life of some sort.  No particular flareups.  Only the incessant low key depreciation, but I don't know if that will ever stop.  It's a lesson, if nothing else.  A lesson to remind me how grateful I am that I decided to teach myself to stop destroying myself a long time ago.  I can't even imagine trying to keep going on with all that self loathing weighing me down.

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Ok, really quickly, with less detail, I will re-input the basic info that got lost yesterday.

Night before last, I dreamed that I lived in some weird sort of closed compound.  It was about as wide as a house, and about 3 city blocks long.  It had a society inside, mostly scientists, working on a project, but everything else that a town would have, as well.  There was a police officer in there, and I came upon him beating one of the citizens.  I stopped him, and he was pissed.  I took it to the mayor who was someone I had worked with for a very long time.  He "looked into it" and told me that the guy hadn't done anything illegal.  

I was so pissed off that I took my science and I was going to leave.  I had been working on an amazing fruit hybrid thing that was going to "reinvent fruit" as we knew it, but I was not about to stick around a corrupt system with racism and police brutality.

There were more details, but we were all fucked out of them.

I also mentioned that the shit I had talked about in a previous post came to pass.  If oddly.  The issue I saw brewing did come up, and I continued to use the same logical talking points and deescalation tools that I have been using for years.  Instead of being completely ignored like usual though, she actually stopped and listened this time.  she admitted that it was a problem, she touched on why (all things I already know and have been saying myself for years) and then actually admitted that she needed to work on it.  
Now weather or not that happens, or if we end up right back in another rage "next time" is anyone's guess.

But I guess it kept the reaper away for at least one more go, eh?

Now, onward:

Last night, I dreamed that I was in a school, and I was having to do a book report with friends.  After that class, I went into the hall, and had no idea where my locker was, or what my schedule was, which is a constant in these dreams.  I was just going to go, because I realized that I didn't even have to be there at all.  This time, I decided to stay, however, and go to the office and learn my schedule.   When I got in there, it was packed, and I was in a line, but a friend told me to try a different line.  I got in the wrong one, and accidentally had to talk to some annoying radio personality guys.  After that, I got in the right one, and talked to a really old man with a ton of tattoos.  He was giving me some sage advice and information, and I don't remember anything else.

Glad it's Friday.

The world has been really fucking awful lately.

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 Well.  In an epic shitshow of exploding garbage, the post I spent all my time and energy typing up has completely vanished.

Thanks, DW. GG.
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Fucking rickety tracks, man.  Holes in the goddamn boat.  There's been an uptick in a behavior that really irked me in the past, and all signs indicate that it's going to ramp up and become a serious issue.  I am patient enough to wait and see, while hoping for the best, but I am not going to tolerate living that way, so she's gonna have to get it in order, or she'll catch a singling.  I can put up with someone's self loathing and insecurities, I understand, and I can be patiently helpful, but I will NOT play the villain in someone's LARP, based on how bad their fuckin EX was.  I don't put that shit on people, I am NOT that guy, I have NEVER been that type of person, and I will not take any of that shit being shoveled onto me.  There is a big firm line drawn this side of that particular pile of bullshit.

Last night, I dreamed that I was at the house of some guy that I had just met.  It is unclear if I knew him through school, or work or what, but he was a new person to me.  Also not someone I know in The Real, or even based on anyone.  We were just becoming friends, I guess, but I didn't yet know him too well.  He had two room mates, another guy, and a girl.  They were all nice enough.  A bit nerdy, and very 'normal' in most ways.  I was at their house a few times.  At some point, they invited me for dinner, and I stayed and ate curry and rice with them.  There was some issue with my friend's computer at some point (no details), and at some point, the girl was checking everyone for lice, and insisted on checking me, too, even though I kept explaining how unlikely that was.  I remember that at some point, my family and maybe some old friends had some bearing on the dream, but I don't remember details.

I have these roller-coasters of frustration and patience with life in general, but especially with this relationship shit.
I really don't understand why there even have to be any issues.  I mean, we literally have nothing to fight about.  We do not have children, we do not share finances, we do not have any issues with dishonesty or infidelity.  You know, all the things that 'normal' people fight about.  Those things simply do not exist for us.  But it seems that it's unable to go a significant span of time without there being some issue.  She can not see past her own poor self esteem, and she can not understand that just because she is constantly negative, and combative with herself does not mean that other people feel the same way about her.  Most of our issues are due to her projecting her issues with herself onto me.  She tells me that I don't like her, doesn't ask me, but TELLS me.  Totally regardless of my actions, my words, my attitude, etc.  Makes it up from scratch, a 100% fiction, and sticks to it as though her life depends on it.  And it can be anything.  She might tell me that I think she is fat.  Tell me that I am wanting to break up with her.  Tell me that I want (insert random person / type of person, or even someone like some random person here) instead of her.  She will tell me how stupid and ugly and horrible she is (which obviously, I do not agree with), and then go on to tell me how everyone thinks so, including me.  I feel like she writes entire scripts of the things I think and feel, without ever bothering to touch base with reality along the way.  I can say something, and she will, within 5 minutes of me saying it, flip it around to the complete opposite, and feed it back to me, informing me that it is my opinion.  Even directly pointing out that I said the complete opposite only 5 minutes ago has no effect on the situation.  I have been struggling with this for years now, and my patience is becoming frazzled.  You can only tell someone "this has to stop" for so long before it actually has to stop.

I guess it's a sign of my frustration (and that I am working to process it) by the fact that I am finally talking about it (even if it's just talking to myself in a shitty online journal), instead of bottling it up and looking away from it, while hoping it gets better.

I mean I guess ultimately venting is useless or whatever, but it feels like it can lift a burden to just say shit out loud and get it processing in your head.

Even if 'out loud' is just to an empty room, as it were...


May. 30th, 2017 07:27 am
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 Three day weekend.  Surprisingly, everything went basically smooth.  I guess anything to keep me guessing.  

Last night I remember a dream about being in a field at a school for a PE class.  I'm not sure what was doing on, but it was still dark, before the sunrise.  There were about 4 other people there, one was a teacher, and the other 3 were the same as me.  Each of us had a section of a field, and a collection of small figurines set up.  We were about to have some sort of big battle (this was the class work apparently) like WH40K style or something.  My army seemed to have a water theme, and I remember there being a pirate ship as part of it.  I had to wait a while for my turn, so I walked out of the field, through a fence, into an area that was like a junkyard / graveyard combo, with huge trees and stuff in it.  There was a small building, with nothing but restrooms.  I was in there trying to pee, but it was so amazingly gross, and some guy kept trying to talk to me, so I left and hid behind a huge rusted vehicle to pee.  I peed for about 45 minutes while the sun was coming up, and I could see people sneaking around the junkyard.

That's about all I can recall.

I got some cleaning and organizing done this weekend.  By back can still only take so much though, so it's gonna be a long process.  Irritating, but what can ya do?


May. 26th, 2017 07:10 am
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 Last night, I dreamed that I was riding in the back of a van with one of my cousins.  There were no seats back there, we just sat on the floor.  His dad was driving, and my dad was in the passenger seat.  I was trying to do some work, using some books and looking things up, and writing them into a ledger.  It was apparently my livelihood, and I had to get it done.  My cousin, however kept trying to fill the van with 2 or 3 feet of water, and getting everything wet.  Eventually I lost my patience over the situation.  I can't remember all the details, but I do remember stopping at a gas station and trying to buy a grape soda, but all they had was 1/2 drank bottles of Diet Dr Pepper.  

After that, I dreamed that I was trying to clean the kitchen in a house filled with dude-bro frat boy types.  They just kept being stupid menaces and ruining everything on earth.

I know there was another dream somewhere in the night, but I have nothing left of it in my head

Three day weekend coming up.  I want to be happy and relieved, but many times, those don't end up going so well.  I guess we will see.  The ticktock hanging sword shoe falling feelings are stressful.

Got paid, paid my bills, one month down on my pauper schedule.  

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So, last night, I dreamed that I was at "work" but instead of the real place, it was some sort of sprawling compound that was lit by fire / torchlight.  A load of people were going from one building to another, when we were attacked by some bad guys.  A co-worker threw me an old double-barreled break open shot gun and told me to take care of it, because he was late for a meeting, and didn't have time.  I went out into the fields, and there were a few people attacking us.   A couple of men, a woman, and a robot.  Maybe more people than that, but I'm not sure.  We were all running around shooting at one another.  I was the only one on my team, and my gun was awful.  The robot shot small rockets at me, and when thew blew up, I fell off a cliff thing, but I landed in snow, so it was ok.  I shot the people several times, but I guess I never did a good job because it really didn't slow them down too much.  It was a lot like some weird 80s action film.

I don't remember much else, before I woke up from that one.

The next one, I was at a school that was also a sort of ancient ruins in a jungle.  I was in a math class, and there was a lot of home work.  I was thinking about how I have not done home work in a lot of years, and realizing that I didn't even have to be there, so I could pretty much ignore whatever I didn't want to do.  But I felt guilty about it, and like I should try harder.  I also realized that I had forgotten my 'work disguise' and I was sitting there with my tattoos showing and everyone was looking at me.  There was a girl sitting in front of me, and she had never spoken to me before, even though we were towards the end of the year, but now, she just kept talking to me, and trying to be my friend.  I had all these weird little items on my desk and in my possession.  Small figurines and carvings and various things, with the imaged and shapes of awful little monsters, HP Lovecraft style.  I was trying to manage them and keep up with them, and get them back into my pockets and bags, so I could escape the classroom and climb a crumbling wall covered in vines, then escape into the forest, all without providing too much insult to this girl.

That's about all I remember there.

The final sequence from the night, I was trying to buy a new car, and it happened through a sort of web based menu, where I picked style, color and options.  I had a lot of money, so I was trying to get the best stuff and really make it awesome.  I got to a section about the drivetrain, and there were literally thousands of choices and none of them made much sense.  Specifically, I remember the "Instagram Drive" that would cause the car to take pictures and upload them to the internet.  That was one of the most sane, sensical options.  It just got weirder from there.  I wish I could remember more of the other ones in detail, but that's all I have.


I guess I don't have anything to write about aside from that.

I often feel that way these days.  You can only mention your current situations in life so much before you are repeating yourself, and we all know (by 'we all', I mean simply my own self, since I am the only one here) that I already do that more than enough.  No change in my personal interactions with people or life, no change in my financial situations.

days past

May. 24th, 2017 07:09 am
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Last night, I dreamed that I was riding in a car with a friend from long ago.  She was always a really bad driver, and the road we were on was not the best.  It had been patched and repaved and partially paved many times, and with vastly different textures and colors of paving.  Rather than follow the traffic / lane lines on the road, she kept freaking out and trying to drive by following the paving colors, which clearly was an awful concept with a patchwork road.  The whole time her stress levels were just escalating through the roof and eventually she even stopped and got out of the car to feel the different colors by hand, totally bewildered at the entire thing.  Needless to say it was kinda terrifying.  There may have been more to it, but that's all I remember.

Today is shaping up to be a real shit-show.  Work is having multiple tech issues and nothing is working right.  

Hostility and nonsense from last night has bled over into today, and who knows where that is going to end.  I am just sick of the passive aggressive bi-polar dance.  I am sick of repeating myself literally hundreds of thousands of times over the span of years, just to have the same exact thoroughly debunked nonsense and useless shit resurface.

Sick of feeling like it's all a closed loop and and endless cycle.

Even the taste of electricity has to be better than this.

poisonedgrace: (Default)
Last night, I dreamed of climbing up and down these complicated concrete structures, of all shapes and sizes.  Some so tall and thin that they swayed in the darkness and were as deadly as could be.  Others just as simple as stairs.  I think they were over some sort of pool, and between places where people lived.  I feel like I have dreamed of them before.  Two people were with me, but I do not know what the goal was or if there was a destination at the end.

Not sure if it was another dream, or a different part of the same one, but I remember being in a room, with people coming in and out.  Everyone was getting ready to go somewhere.  Not sure if we were going together, to the same place, or splitting up.  I was supposed to be changing, but there were infinite distractions and an abiding weariness of some sort.


Over all, a quiet night.  Apologies received.  I yearn for simplicity.  Maybe it's impossible if you involve yourself with any other people on any level.  It's funny, most people dream of winning the lotto (etc) to be able to jet around and be social and adventurous.  I dream of being able to become a hermit and not starve to death.

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