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I dreamed last night that we were traveling across the country, through crazy, collapsing terrain, driving a weird homemade offroad vehicle, and we had a pet bear.  everything was like a mudslide or an avalanche or a sinkhole or pit or cliff or something, and we had to make the bear run outside of the car because the combined weight was too much, and we had to try to plan and organize all this mess at once.  It was hectic and nerve wracking.  The navigation around, over and through all the terrain was fraught with peril and things kept crumbling away.  The bear was like a happy, dumb puppy, the size of a van.  It was somehow like trying to play 2 video games at once.

Things still, surprisingly, going smoothly.  Interesting how that seems to be the case when I am on zero tolerance / 'give me 1 more excuse' mode.  At this point, it is likely that I am reading too much into it, and some degree of paranoid though.  Who fucking knows.

I miss my pet bear.  The dumb goof.

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Vague dreams that I was trying to work from home, but every time I took a call, someone had a hissy fit and I had to spend hours trying to repair my life.

Not much more than that, however.

Feeling deflated at the moment.  The world is terrible and people need to be vigorously washed with gritty soap until they are finished being stupid and hateful and evil.   

I just want to go live in the forest, in a magical land and create my own things.


Aug. 14th, 2017 07:01 am
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It's funny...  Every time I get to the point where I am like "OK, last straw, just one more round of ridiculousness, and I am washing my hands of it", it seems like things just suddenly start to go smoothly.  It's really strange.  I wonder if I just get some sort of Serious Aura or something that magically cuts through bullshit.  If so, and it's not just some odd coincidence, that leads me to believe that "when it matters", that the bullshit can be controlled.  And if that's the case, why doesn't it "matter" all the time?

It's hard for me to tell if I am overthinking things a lot of the time.  But it's thin ice for a while, because the meter got to be well into the red last week.  I guess we will see how it shapes up.

I remember some fragments of a dream last night... Something about people from another world, but like the same people as this world... Like the same person, just from a different timeline / reality, so when they came over to this world, they were like twins, sort of.  The people from the other place had some sort of electric resonance or something.  I would like to be able to remember more.

No other news... The world is still sickening, I still don't have any money.


Aug. 11th, 2017 07:07 am
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Last night I dreamed that I was in that restaurant that I occasionally dream about, only it was a little different this time.  I saw someone that I knew, across the room.  She did not look well. Collapsed. head on table, all alone.  I walked over to see what was going on.  She said she was sick.  I went to get her some water.  I had a cup, and walked across the room to some soda fountains.  As I was over there, I saw a commotion in the foyer.  Taking a look, I saw that Ben was over there, fighting with some kids.  Like 3 vicious little kids, and they were attacking him, trying to kill him.  He is a pretty decent sized dude, so he was just sort of holding them down until they give up or whatever.   I dunno what else you really could do in that situation.  One of the kids had super thick glasses, so I reached down and took them off og him, and put them in a nearby drawer, so they wouldn't get broken.

I took the water back to my friend, then left.  Later, I was in a hotel room with a couple of people, and suddenly those 3 kids crashed in, and they had a gun.  They were accusing me of stealing the one kid's glasses.  They held us at gunpoint and searched the room.  Of course we didn't have them, and I told them where they were, but hey, 8 year old bullies with a gun, that was going well.  One of them fired a round through the ceiling, and I told him this was a hotel and there are people sleeping up above us, and he probably shot someone.  He fired a few more to prove he was tough.  After a while, we could hear the cops coming, and I woke up during a struggle
, so I don't know how it turned out.


Yesterday / last night was just totally fucking awful.  I can't understand it, because it seems like a lot of contradiction, but for my own sanity, I am going to try.

It seems like a strange combination of helplessness, and willfulness.  Like she just hadn't been doing this shit she was supposed to start doing a month or longer ago.  I noticed back on 7/25, that she hadn't started, and thought "ok, well that's odd." so I shared some likns online that should help get it all started.  She seemingly did nothing, and even told me that she didn't have time to deal with it at that moment.  Ok, fine, whatever, so last Friday, we had a conversation about it where she was STILL needing to get started, admitted to having thus far done absolutely nothing, and also expressed massive irritation that people kept mentioning that it needed to be done (side note, this shit is really typical.  She will just not fucking do something that needs to be done at a certain time / deadline, and then if / when someone else does it, or bitches about it never getting done, she will get massively pissed and turn into a pity party mess about how that person hates her, and act as though she has been supremely wronged, even if they just quietly did the thing that needs doing).

So, I said 'do it Monday, I sent the links, pull them back up and go ahead and do it.  I will even loan you the money to take care of it, if you need some."   Of course Monday comes and goes.  As does Tuesday, and Wednesday.  Every day, she takes at least an hour of time, and a lot of energy, being furious that people are "dogging her" about it.  I hadn't said a lot other than offering links and money, because I have obviously seen this shit play out on the regular.

So Wednesday passes, still more of this same shit.  So I finally after listening to endless complaining, while STILL not doing anything, I dig the links out, plus a few more, on Thursday afternoon, and supply them again.  With detailed instruction.  "Call these places, write down the answers to questions, and the prices.  After you get the info, pick the one that works for you, and go with that."  So, she calls the first one, doesn't ask price, and books an appointment.  I reply with "ok, that's not helpful.  The reason you are struggling, is because you said the original price was too steep, and now you are just going with the first people you contact, price unseen? how do you know if it's cheaper and meets the needs?"  So the response, is that clearly _I_ am being unreasonable, "dogging her" also (which makes me question the validity of  the claims about other people "dogging her", since obviously it was complete nonsense in my case), and not helping.  

She then starts to claim that 1. the reason she has never taken action on it is because she has absolutely no idea HOW to proceed, or how anything works, or how to place calls and organize information, and 2. that she has already made some of these calls back when I shared the links the first time (never mind the fact that she bluntly stated, less than a week prior, that she had done nothing.  When called on that, she switched to saying that 'the reason she said that she had done nothing, and not contacted anyone, was because she didn't book anything and solve the issue, therefore, it was the same as not having done anything.  Obviously retconning it, and just being shady as shit, trying to revise her big load of doing nothing, into making it seem like she had been struggling along, when obviously it's not true).

So, since she 'had no idea what to do' and 'is very confused, and no one will help her understand' (even though she never asked questions, attempted to clarify or made any effort to learn) I explained again, the simple adult task of writing out what you needed to know.  Calling places 1 at a time, gathering info, which you write down, and then comparing the info and choosing a place to do business with.  I wasn't rude, I just went over it again.  So then she's pissed off because of that.  She's blatantly helpless over an issue, but takes offense to someone trying to help her or educate / instruct her (this happens all the fucking time with different issues as well).

Before this, she had already undermined several other attempts to both help her, and even for someone to do parts of it FOR her, because she just gets mad about everything and hates herself and can't stop being destructive. 

All this sparks a few hours of her telling ME that my thoughts and opinions are, and not listening to a word that I have to say about how I really feel, if it in any way contrasts with her negative, self loathing fantasy.  This commonplace activity comes (as always) complete with not only words, but entire narratives put in my mouth, which she will cling to in spite of anything I have to say, or any evidence to the contrary.

I could keep writing about this bullshit forever, but I am just too annoyed and tired and apparently stupid. 
It's getting really fucking old, and my patience is just fucking gone.


Aug. 10th, 2017 07:11 am
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 Got more cleaning done.  Yesterday was scattered though, I just wasn't feeling it.  I worked through it a bit, but I didn't get nearly as much done as I would have, had I been feeling motivation.

Still haven't been remembering dreams.  It always comes in cycles, but I can never determine anything that influences those cycles.  Just seems randomly on / off, here and there.  

Sometimes I just think that maybe I am not a very good person.  I guess it would explain a lot.  


Aug. 9th, 2017 07:11 am
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I try to take walks on my breaks at work.  Helps with my spine situation, and gets the blood flowing, since I am otherwise sitting at a desk the entire time.  I try to go on both breaks, and on lunch.  Totals up to about a mile of walking a day, give or take.  It's good for me, and makes it easier to sit for long periods, but sometimes it turns into some weird game of "obsess over every mistake you have ever made in your life", or a variation of.

Those times are less than fun.  What is wrong with our brains to bring up inconsequential shit from 20 years ago, and try to make you feel bad over it?  It's a bunch of stupid bullshit, is what.  

I guess yesterday went fine.   No blowups that I am remembering off the top of my head.
I got all my DVDs moved (that I could find).  I noticed a couple that were missing, so maybe there's more somewhere?  If I actually noticed a couple out of that amount of them... there could be more.  Who knows?  They're only roughly organized at the moment.  I like to think that after I finish rearranging and going through all my other crap, maybe I will organize them better, but let's not fool ourselves, huh?  It's relatively unlikely.

Hoping to get more done today.  At a point where I am seeing some of the progress, and that fuels me a bit more. :D

I can't remember my dreams last night.  I know that I did when I woke up freezing at 5 something, but they slipped away.

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 Again with the issues.  It's taken a strange twist lately.  Seems like the traditional intense flair up / meltdown, may or may not last as long as it historically has, and then the end, where it used to sort of peter out, had had a change.  Now it seems to almost abruptly stop, with what seems to be a gain of control, awareness, an acceptance of responsibility, and even seeming like a lesson learned.  But then, will it happen again tomorrow?  The next day? The same thing?  A shadow of the same?  Something completely different?  Who knows.

Is it legit?  Is it a tactic?  It seems legit, but long years of garbage situations has made me suspicious.  It's harder to be mad when someone seems truly repentant, and seems like they are 'trying' and even seems to have learned a lesson / is trying to increasing their coping skills.  So, is that a thing? or just a tool to make it harder to be mad?  Have I become paranoid and suspicious? maybe.  Do I find myself talking to myself and answering myself as well these days?  Looks like it!

I don't want to just keep talking about it.  Who cares anyhow.  You get whatever you get from life, and the only other choice is the guillotine. 

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Last night, I dreamed that I was living in the old house in the swamp.  I was looking out of my bedroom window, down the short hill, leading to the water.  As the case often is in my dreams, it was a very wet season.  The standing water was deep enough to be flowing.  It normally flowed and sort of curved to go deeper into the forest, but for some reason, my dad had gone out there, and dug a trench that let the water come up into the back yard.  In so doing, he had sort of dug away part of our small hill which was the only thing that kept us out of the swamp.  As I watched the water grow a little higher, it filled up the ditch, and then moved between the house and the tree.  It eroded the hill, and the tree's roots gave away from the soil and the whole hill collapsed.  The house went sliding to the left, and slid for quite a ways before settling in a muddy bank.  

The next part (not sure if it was later in the same dream, or another one entirely), I was standing on the front porch of the same house, with several people sitting around.  I heard a vehicle driving through the woods, and across the pasture coming from the left.  As it came into view, it was a sort of dually truck, maybe built into an armored car / delivery can sort of thing, but outfitted into an ice cream truck.  It had a bright paint job, stickers advertising the products all over, playing annoying tunes, the whole thing.  Just driving across our property, a mile from any road, like it belonged there.  We all scrambled to get our money together, and ran out to flag it down.  It picked up speed, and swung left, away from the house.  A brief chase was given, and then someone said "It won't stop for anything, ever.  Not until the end of the world."
 I think I woke up around then.

So, Saturday night got pretty ridiculous.  Part of Sunday as well, but it seemed to line out some by the evening..  I guess we will see how the rest of the week goes, but I do not intend to put up with an entire week of it, fucking for sure.  Whatever happens, I will sit on my hurt, disgust, rage or whatever I end up being served, until Monday the 14th.  At that time, I will have a meeting with myself, and decide what I am going to do.  So far, I am still being patient, and have not swung over to any form of finality yet, but it's anyone's guess what the rest of the week will end up being shaped like.

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 Last night I dreamed that I worked / volunteered at some sort of nursing home.  I had co-workers and there was a whole handful of us, 5 or 6 or more.  Near the end of a shift one day, there was a hubbub because some old fart decided that someone had stolen 20 cents from his table.  He started having a toddler meltdown, and after a big ordeal, we all either got fired or quit, I am unsure.  As we were leaving, I asked one of my worker friends what she was going to do now, and she was like "Fuck it, I am going fishing!"  So that sounded like a good idea, and I was going to just go fishing with her.

The next thing I remember, I was driving down the road, near the old property area, and a friend (someone different from the fishing co-worker) was driving another vehicle.  We both broke down at the same time, and were trying to figure out what to do about it.  We went into a couple of junk shops, and there were all kinds of people around.  A lot of (now forgotten) details.  We eventually decided to try to walk to a gas station several miles away, that was haunted by some dead family member of hers, who always left a light on for her, and let her inside, by ghosting the door open.

The next next thing I remember was a big ruined hotel place that had a ton of people living in it, in a sort of post apocalyptic style.  There was a big scene, almost like a hearing, where my friend was being put on some sort of trial or something for having brought some sort of shame on her much older husband.  This dude was like in his 80s.  Probably old enough to be her grandfather.  As they were deciding to like exile her or something, she was standing out on a balcony sort of thing, and I ended up being hustled into a fast moving car, headed away from the hotel place.  I was in a back area where the seats had been removed, and several of us were just in there.  I remembered that I had to go back to the hotel to make sure my friend didn't kill herself or anything, so I opened the hatch at the back of the car, while we were going like 65 mph.  Everyone told me to stop, but I told them to shut up because i knew what I was doing.  I jumped out, and spread my long arms and fingers, and they were like bat wings, with e membrane between them.  I flap-flapped back towards the way we came from, but then I saw my friend kind of wandering through town, so I swooped down and landed in the road.  I couldn't make my arms undo the flap-flap thing, so I just sort of curled my fingers and walked on feet and knuckles.  I was trying to find out what was going on, but then
(I guess?) I woke up.

Been working and getting stuff done, slowly but surely.  

... :/

Aug. 3rd, 2017 07:21 am
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Last night, I dreamed that I had a job where I was in charge of a forest.  But mostly, I just slept at a desk in a hallway and didn't do my job.  The next dream (or a part of that one, no idea), I was dreaming that I was talking about a memory where my GF cancelled a vacation / trip, because I had to pick Greg Graffin up at the airport, in the back of a u-haul truck, and find a place for him to stay.  After that, I dreamed that I was at a festival where someone was paying me 1,000 dollars to get a corporate logo, and the words "How we stand" tattooed on my head, along with some wacky hairstyle.  After that, I dreamed that my whole family was back on the property, and my sister was a little kid, but she was driving a car through deep sand, to get to the mailbox, but somehow we ended up on the second story of a shed.

No fucking clue. 

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Last night, I dreamed that I was on some kind of soldier team, and we were in place for defense against alien invasions.  It started all lazy and laid back, we were just hanging out and chatting, playing games.  Some feral human girl showed up, and shortly after some alien scouts came.  We went into lock-down, and then there was a ton of fighting and confusion.  I kept running out of ammo, then getting more.  It was really detailed with many kinds of aliens and machines and lots of details on me team members and stuff, but it's faded now.

Today, my side quest has been researching how exhaust systems work.  After a conversation with Eric, I realized that I can alter the exhaust on the car relatively cheaply.  Now I am researching how far I can push that envelope and still have everything work.  When I get home, I am going to take some measurements and do some idea generating.  I have some rough ideas, but it's hard to really plan much without measurements.

Might have to go and help my brother move a little later today as well.  I should have time for both though.

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Last night I dreamed that I was in some foreign country, it seemed like Germany or Austria or something.  I had been there a little while, but I didn't know anyone, and no one spoke much english, so I kept to myself usually.  I met a nice Asian couple who spoke english, so we became friends.  They owned some local business, but I was never clear on what exactly it was.  Maybe a real estate office or something.  

It became clear after a little while that they were up to something.  The wife was sketchy as fuck and was trying to get me involved in some crime ring, and the husband was obviously terrified of her.  It came to light that she was some sort of violently insane criminal.  I was trying to extract myself from them as smoothly as possible without getting into any issues.  I felt bad for the guy though, and tried to encourage him to get away.  There was a lot of detail and action,
but it all faded the moment I woke.

I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but our postal delivery guy is an outrageous turd.  He was always kinda lazy, and mis-delivered simple things between our box and the neighbor's boxes.  Then one day, a good while back, my brother had a package coming to my address.  It was a very expensive item, from over-seas, that needed to be signed for.  So Postal Turd took it to some random house that totally had nothing to do with us, and left it with someone who willingly took possession of it, then marked it 'delivered'.  Needless to day, my brother was watching the tracking like a hawk on something that expensive, and he asked if it showed up.  We had been home all day, and nothing came.  We even checked the mailbox, and nothing.  He called the post office and asked them WTF was going on.  They sent the guy back out to get it, and bring it to the right place.  Which is seriously fishy if you asked me.  If he legit made a mistake, how the hell did he know which wrong address he left it at?  But somehow, he went straight there, got it back, and had it to our house in fairly short order.  Hmmm.  

Since then, any delivery we have had that has either been registered / needed signature, or has looked important or expensive... EVERY one of them has been mis-delivered one way or another.  Tax forms?  Yep those went to the Mormon neighbors, who just sat on them for over a month before walking 2 houses over to bring them (or just putting them back in the box).  Anything needing a signature? Marked as 'signed for' and notated 'left with an individual at address', while ACTUALLY just stuffed in a lockbox.  it has gotten WAY worse since we had to call over that issue.  So obviously it's on purpose, and what recourse do you have?  Complain again and make it even worse?  I seriously don't know, but it's VERY annoying.

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Still poor.
Still not king.
Still waiting.
A little sick to my stomach.
This was an expensive month for me.
Had to do scheduled car maintenance, inspection and registration.  Just that alone comes out to over 130.00 that I don't really have.
Had some other expenses.  By that, I mean "I had to buy food a couple of times".  Strange that my brain is processing that as a luxury at this point.  Hoping to get my CC paid back off from all this in another check or 2.  Trickling it back in, but it stresses me.  Especially with it looking like I'm going to lose my lawsuit here shortly.  Oh well, at least I am so poor that I don't have anything that they can take from me, right?

I feel like all these posts and all these feelings are recycled.
I feel like some old, dry, jaded and dusty Dracula, just rolling over and deciding to sleep for another thousand years.
What a horrible night to have a curse.
Head full of haunted houses.
Brain of a million eyes, looking back at me.
Wet mice, everywhere.

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On the other side of the Universe
She's got blackbirds  falling from her hair
The Earth rearranges

Starlight and covered walks
the wind on the night air
All life falls from the sky

Scurrying animals
tickle leaves in the underbrush
scents cycling through life and death
hold the world in balance


Jul. 28th, 2017 07:23 am
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Last night, I dreamed that I was some sort of vigilante, patrolling the streets in a neighborhood, making sure that no racist or sexist graffiti had gone up.  I went to all these different areas, main and back streets, and even inside a few businesses.  Apparently this sort of thing had been an issue in the area.  I covered over what I found, and made notes.  I had a bag with supplies, and some kind of staff as a weapon.  Towards the end of the dream, I called for backup, and someone arrived to pick me up in a van.  It was all very rich and detailed, but I can't remember anything else at the moment.

Still no movement on the rest of my life.

At least it's Friday.

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 I remember that I had dreams last night, but I can no longer remember what they were.

I sucked it up and got used to not having help, and moved a couple of bookshelves by myself yesterday.  It wasn't so bad.  I was really worried about moving them downstairs, after the spine issues I have been having, but it went pretty well.  One more to move today, and I will be done with that step.

Always waiting for something to happen likely makes me more irritable and reactive than I would be if I were just able to live without the stress of it, and accept things going well and relax.  But again, the origin is not my fault, and I did not drive it to where it is, and I am not going to blame myself for existing in a situation someone else designed.

Still can't get my legal team on the phone, and I am starting to get irritated about it.

I guess I don't have anything smart to say today.

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Last night, I dreamed that I had recently had some employment issues at the mental health facility where I worked.  I realized that they had people locked up in bad situations, against their will, and I devised a plan to get everyone loose.  I had the help of another couple of employees, and some of the patients as well.  I got fired though, so I had to sneak back in to make it all happen.  There was a lot of detail, and a lot of subterfuge, and many characters, but I don't remember too much.  I woke up before the end, so I don't know if they got free or not.

Still in limbo.  Have not been able to do the things I need to do.  Still waiting on car stuff.  Still waiting to talk with law office.  At least I am a bit more level than I was Monday, which is good.  I guess.  Maybe it's not.  Who knows?

Plodding plotting plodding.

I feel like some sort of might wisdom is trying to leak out of me, but I really got nothing.  No matter what I am thinking or feeling, nothing is forming into any form of articulation.

I have a million things to do, and instead, I will probably just end up watching cartoons, like a jackass.

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Last night, I dreamed that I was in that weird grocery store that I have in my dreams sometimes.  This time, I was near the middle, with some family members.  Someone had a Pomeranian, and it was milling about in a wading pool.  Some of the rest of us were near there, having sword fights with these sticks, made for that purpose.  Some friend of my sister's, from long ago was mentioned by name, and the name was familiar to me, but I kept having all these different ideas who it was supposed to be, none of which were correct.  Of course, since she was mentioned, and it confused me, she then showed up (this was not any real person, but a creation of the dream).  Everyone kept telling stories of her being around in the past, and things that happened, even times when I was there, and this was supposed to be a person I was long term familiar with, but for whatever reason, I had no memory of her at all.  Everyone said that she had a much different appearance now anyhow.

We all got in a car and drove around looking at these massive and brilliant Halloween displays.  Whole yards and even neighborhood blocks done up in the grandest ways.  I was in the car beside this person, and we got along really well, even though I had no memory of her.  Her look kept changing, and she had tattoos, constantly shifting over her.  At times she had the tattoos of everyone I have ever known, sort of languidly rolling across her, different from one look to the next.  She suggested that we go to her old house, and everyone agreed.

We drove there, and it was a trailer, with a lot of porches and outbuildings, and she said that she had not been there in years but her family still lived there.  They were not home, so she got the spare key and went in.  There was a ton of Halloween stuff here too, and we were looking through it all, and I remember at one point, she was wearing a sort of open front brown robe, and I watch the tattoos shift and change and she had several different people's at the same time, even.  I liked her, and felt very familiar with her, even though I also felt like it was a first meeting.  There was more to all this
, but I can't remember.

Side note, I am not convinced that she wasn't One Of Them, but I was not sure enough to quantify the dream as such.

I don't remember any other dreams, either.

Limbo at least arrests the fall, even if briefly.
But that might not be a good thing, over all.

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Last night, I dreamed that I was somewhere... It was like a school, or a work type place, but I don't know what it was, exactly.  there were other people there, not terribly close, but very familiar.  Like classmates or coworkers, but not like friends or family.  I was looking through a pile of magazines, and inside one of them I found some kind of advertisement, and it was using an old picture of me.  I was holding some kind of reptile (it wasn't a real world picture, so I'm not sure of the dream details).  I was pretty mad that they had stolen my picture, and were using it in an ad campaign.  I went on a search of all the media I could find, and also ran across some TV commercial that used a picture of me in it as well.  I was still searching, and learning that this was a thing that happened to a lot of people when I finally woke up from it.

There were more dreams, but I don't remember.

Looks like I am probably going to be losing my lawsuit.  It's going to financially destroy me.  Not that there's much to destroy.  
I put it aside and tried to be hopeful, but at this point, I am cycling back to really wondering why I stay.
I don't have any hope left.
Not for much of any aspect of my future.
I hate where I live, and it's unlikely that I will ever be able to relocate, because of finances.
I hate the financial prospects of my future.  I'm never really going to be able to have anything, other than living hand to mouth on a Ramen Noodle diet.
I hate the romantic prospects of my future.  I am just waiting, trembling under swords and horsehair, shoes dropping all around me, quietly crouching on eggshells, and when that snaps, sooner or later, there is absolutely nothing beyond that buy a void.
So why?
Why do I keep waiting?
Why don't I just leave?

I feel completely stupid, no matter what choices I make.
Being alive is just as embarrassing as anything else.

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Last night I had this dream that I was at The Old House with a variety of people, and as usual at that place, there was a sense of approaching danger.  Some people dressed in weird ragged dark robes had been seen on the edge of the property.  We had a lot of rifles and stuff, so we were getting ready for trouble.  After a while, a huge mob of Klanspeople (I am at a loss of what to call them, but you know which turds I mean) came tromping across our property, burning crosses and getting wild.  As we prepared to go to battle with them, I woke up.  The dream had a lot of detail, but It's faded out by now.

My next dream, I was in some huge, awesome game/comic store, and I had a money is no object situation of some sort.  I was buying new miniatures, and some massive expensive paint sets that I've always wanted.  Nothing too deep there, I suppose, but that's how it was.

Nothing much else to talk about I guess.  My folks are coming in from Canada soon.  Going to spend tonight and tomorrow getting things straightened up.  Got paid today, paying out my bills, one more month down.  Unless things go south (I am rather expecting that they might at this point), then I have about 5 months left of XL Hard Times, and 8 months left of L Hard Times.  Hoping to settle into a regular size M eventually.  If things do go poorly... Well... I hope I just go ahead and croak and get it over with.



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