May. 31st, 2017

poisonedgrace: (Default)

Fucking rickety tracks, man.  Holes in the goddamn boat.  There's been an uptick in a behavior that really irked me in the past, and all signs indicate that it's going to ramp up and become a serious issue.  I am patient enough to wait and see, while hoping for the best, but I am not going to tolerate living that way, so she's gonna have to get it in order, or she'll catch a singling.  I can put up with someone's self loathing and insecurities, I understand, and I can be patiently helpful, but I will NOT play the villain in someone's LARP, based on how bad their fuckin EX was.  I don't put that shit on people, I am NOT that guy, I have NEVER been that type of person, and I will not take any of that shit being shoveled onto me.  There is a big firm line drawn this side of that particular pile of bullshit.

Last night, I dreamed that I was at the house of some guy that I had just met.  It is unclear if I knew him through school, or work or what, but he was a new person to me.  Also not someone I know in The Real, or even based on anyone.  We were just becoming friends, I guess, but I didn't yet know him too well.  He had two room mates, another guy, and a girl.  They were all nice enough.  A bit nerdy, and very 'normal' in most ways.  I was at their house a few times.  At some point, they invited me for dinner, and I stayed and ate curry and rice with them.  There was some issue with my friend's computer at some point (no details), and at some point, the girl was checking everyone for lice, and insisted on checking me, too, even though I kept explaining how unlikely that was.  I remember that at some point, my family and maybe some old friends had some bearing on the dream, but I don't remember details.

I have these roller-coasters of frustration and patience with life in general, but especially with this relationship shit.
I really don't understand why there even have to be any issues.  I mean, we literally have nothing to fight about.  We do not have children, we do not share finances, we do not have any issues with dishonesty or infidelity.  You know, all the things that 'normal' people fight about.  Those things simply do not exist for us.  But it seems that it's unable to go a significant span of time without there being some issue.  She can not see past her own poor self esteem, and she can not understand that just because she is constantly negative, and combative with herself does not mean that other people feel the same way about her.  Most of our issues are due to her projecting her issues with herself onto me.  She tells me that I don't like her, doesn't ask me, but TELLS me.  Totally regardless of my actions, my words, my attitude, etc.  Makes it up from scratch, a 100% fiction, and sticks to it as though her life depends on it.  And it can be anything.  She might tell me that I think she is fat.  Tell me that I am wanting to break up with her.  Tell me that I want (insert random person / type of person, or even someone like some random person here) instead of her.  She will tell me how stupid and ugly and horrible she is (which obviously, I do not agree with), and then go on to tell me how everyone thinks so, including me.  I feel like she writes entire scripts of the things I think and feel, without ever bothering to touch base with reality along the way.  I can say something, and she will, within 5 minutes of me saying it, flip it around to the complete opposite, and feed it back to me, informing me that it is my opinion.  Even directly pointing out that I said the complete opposite only 5 minutes ago has no effect on the situation.  I have been struggling with this for years now, and my patience is becoming frazzled.  You can only tell someone "this has to stop" for so long before it actually has to stop.

I guess it's a sign of my frustration (and that I am working to process it) by the fact that I am finally talking about it (even if it's just talking to myself in a shitty online journal), instead of bottling it up and looking away from it, while hoping it gets better.

I mean I guess ultimately venting is useless or whatever, but it feels like it can lift a burden to just say shit out loud and get it processing in your head.

Even if 'out loud' is just to an empty room, as it were...

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