May. 22nd, 2017

poisonedgrace: (Default)
Back to a more normal schedule now, so I guess the updates should be more consistent.  

Last night, I dreamed that my mom owned a store in the mall that sold all kinds of dolls and doll supplies.  Doll clothing, dollhouses, t-shirts related to dolls and doll collecting, supplies for doll making.  This is something that my mom has absolutely zero interest in, in the real world.  My brother-in-law worked there with her, and I was going in to help them, because they were super busy, but I didn't know how anything worked.  I was trying to learn to use the register, and their entire processes for everything, from scratch, with a really crowded, busy store.  And of course all the customers had all this doll lingo and brand name knowledge, and I might as well have been dropped onto an alien planet for all of it I understood.

After I woke up and went back to sleep,  I dreamed of a reunion shoot-out.  It was a small town where once a year or so, all the people got together and had a shootout.  So it was like a town-wide family reunion / school reunion, etc etc for everyone who lived there, then they had a big gun fight.  I had a sort of giant Draco style pistol thing, but it didn't work.  

Either the trigger wouldn't pull at all, or it would just click, and then I would open it and look at the bullet, and it would be dissolved or fallen apart or just missing, or stuck, o somehow the wrong size or something.  Every time.  Meanwhile everyone else was shooting all over the place, and I was hiding and dodging bullets but no one seemed to be getting injured at all, just a bunch of yelling at one another, and airing grievances and such.  I seem to have had history of some sort with several people there, and it shaped up to be mostly a lot of yelling.  There were little kids running around and playing like nothing was the least but abnormal about the situation, and it happened all the time.  I remember having hope that the kids would stop the tradition of the shootouts and have better lives in the future.

There was more to it than that.  Some deep feuds and issues between various people were known to me during the dream, as well as who many of them were, but I didn't retain enough detail to be worth anything now.

There was another dream, too, but I have nothing on it at all.

Other news...  This weekend was a serious skin-of-the-teeth situation.  I just very almost washed my hands of the situation.  Honestly, if it hadn't been for pre-existing plans, and it being frankly, easier for me to NOT put an end to it, I would have.  But there are zero plans for the long foreseeable future, so I hope she got it out of her system, because another weekend like that one and I am just fucking done.  Idk how else to deal with the situation any more.  I can see it coming, then it starts, and I try my best to patiently give various "hey, this is happening, you need to figure out how to reign it in" notices.  But when they go 100% ignored, and she just escalates up to a frenzy and gets over the top ridiculous, then eventually I can't take it.  I feel like I do a good job 95% of the time or more, of not just snapping immediately when it is the same old tired shit over and over and over, but eventually, anyone will snap.  Weather it happens after an hour, or after 2 days of ceaseless destructive negative behaviour, everyone has a limit.  I feel like on average, that my limit is about 6 to 10 hours of it.  I can maintain the majority of my patience, composure and effort for between 6 to 10 hours of endless torment, then I just can't any more.  Most often when I get to the point where I can't, I try to have the patience to explain that I can't anymore.  I try to ask that I am left alone, and do have some time.  

But of course, if someone has been unable to control their hostility and outrageous negativity for 6 to 10 hours already, what are the chances that they are suddenly going to listen, and back off just because you claim to have reached your limit?  Yeah, exactly.  So most of the time, it does not let up at all.  So of course, once cornered, I am eventually going to snap.  I hate saying hurtful things to people.  I hate speaking out of anger.  Unfortunately, on a long enough timeline, anyone will though, so I try to not be angry with myself.  I truly feel like my patience is above and beyond.  I keep hoping that the lesson will be learned every time, and the warning reports will carry enough weigh to reach through her haze, and help her get control of her shit, but unfortunately, that is not always (or even most often) the case.

I guess this is the most articulate and complete venting that I have managed to do here, which is evidence that I am processing it more logically and more removed than I previously was, which indicates that I am towards the end of my large scale tolerance and patience.

There is only so much I can do, and for only so long.  We are at that point, and without some clear and measurable changes, pretty much from this point going forward, it's just a matter of time before I will be moving on.

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