Apr. 17th, 2017

poisonedgrace: (Default)
I had 2 really deep, vivid dreams last night that I have totally forgotten. I had one smaller one that I have totally forgotten, and all I remember, is a smaller one where I was a student in a school, and something weird was going on. There was a girl who I knew in passing, and one day she showed up, ... not put together right. She was walking funny, and at weird angles. Her voice sounded broadcast from somewhere else, instead of inside her. Everyone kind of ignored it, or wrote it off, but it was really alarming.

I saw her alone in the hall, and talked to her. It was the most abnormal thing ever. Her face didn't move, and her voice came out small, metallic, and distant like it was over a tiny speaker. she walked like a mummy. She stumbled and I steadied her, but she was cold, bloated and hard. Obviously dead. Like hella dead. Stinkingly hideously dead. I called her out on it, and she told me that she didn't have much time, she and some others had been captured by someone who was doing this thing to them. She was trying to tell me who it was and where I could find them to save them, but the connection was bad, and the bad guy was coming back.
There was more to it, but it's disjointed.

I can literally feel the difference in myself. I can feel that I have enough patience left to attempt to explain things, or discuss things like an adult, but absolutely not enough patience to deal with much bullshit. I don't want it to wear down to the point where I become impatient and reactionary. Sometimes, I'm honestly not even sure that I give it until the end of the month.

It's really out of my hands at this point, I have done what I can do, and I need to remember that I am NOT supposed to be in it alone, bearing all the burdens and carrying all the weight. I think that's actually one of my biggest issues... I have so much of the time, for whatever reason, actually been in it alone, when I shouldn't have, that it's become normalized for me, and I don't know any better.

That's fucked up.
Maybe realizing that is helpful... but it's fucked up.

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