Apr. 12th, 2017

poisonedgrace: (Default)
I dreamed last night of riding in different cars. I was a kid, and I got in a fight with my brother. But I don't remember details.

I've been realizing a lot of things lately. One of which is how I never *really* talk here any more...

A big part of my realizations, and eyes opening has been this whole thing with the chiropractor. It's made me look at my life a little differently. between that, and my GF dumping me (again) a few weeks ago... I've been doing a lot of thinking, about a lot of things

Oh yeah, she's dumped me about 10 times now... it's a long story, but basically, she has a lot of issues with PTSD and other even worse things. She is her own worst enemy, and has a terrible relationship with herself. So when her self hate builds up and she is unable to check it, it spills out into the form of attempting to sabotage her life, of which, of course, I am a big part.

So occasionally, she does this whole thing where she dumps me. I keep trying to explain to her that I am not a yo-yo, and that some things are just off the table as far as 'things you can do to cope with your issues.'

It's not fair to someone else (in this case, me), especially someone who cares and tries to help you, to do them like that. It's not something you can employ as a 'reset button' to blow off your rage, you know?

This time around, we had a reeeeally serious talk about it. I mean... we have had them before... numerous times... But...

But I am going to give it one last chance.

Its hard to tell how it the talk went... I know she listens, and I know she wants to do better...

It's the classically bi-polar thing where when she is doing well, it's not bad... but, it will eventually cycle, and then who knows if any of the previously earned progress will stick or not.

Frankly, I fear that it wont last. It's just a matter of how long. Not that i won't give it my best shot, mind you... I guess I have been afraid for a long time though, that it won't be sustainable in the long run.

I guess I am just hoping to help as much as I can, while I can, before I can't any more.

But all linked back to the chiropractor and where I was going with this...

I feel like over the recent years, I have become this.... thing.

Internally and externally, a hunched over withdrawn, twisted ...thing.

I didn't used to be like this. I am so beaten down from the struggle (not just relationship wise, but with the whole world). It's affected me in every way, and I didn't see it very well, until i saw the physical ways, at the chiropractor. The x-rays were awful, and now that I am straightening out a bit, I can tell such a big physical difference.

I am already standing straighter, and I feel like i am coming un-shriveled a bit. More like I used to be.

Like I said, it's not just the relationship thing, the whole world has been so dark and ugly, and the more I have been becoming awoke to it all... it's just been a lot of stuff, beating at me, you know?

I used to be this open light, standing tall and unafraid and just openly strange, I guess you could say...

But now, it's all work disguises and hiding and not interacting...

That all coupled with the relationship issues... it's taken a toll. With my straightening neck and spine, I am making an effort to straighten the rest of me as well, and stop rolling up into a ball.

I believe that I have been staying because I believe that it can be better for her, and I want her to learn that, too. She has had an unbelievably shitty life, and no one has ever tried to show her anything better.

Even if the long term for us is not 'a thing' (and I have been afraid for a long time that it won't be), I STILL want her to grow and learn, and see that there is more to life, and other things besides the bad stuff.

This is weird for me, because I have gotten to the point where I never talk about this stuff, or much of anything 'real'. I guess that was part of it, too. I just got so closed in that I couldn't even talk about anything anymore.

I want to stop that, too.

Turning into a little lump of coal is no way for me to go on.

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