Feb. 21st, 2017

Villified

Feb. 21st, 2017 11:25 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
How does a person come to terms with the fact that they might not have always been a very good person?
Hell, how do you come to terms with the idea that you still might not be a very good person?

Do we just look for solace in the concept that we learned things, and grew as a person? In the notion that maybe we managed to improve some? Do we weigh out our background, and try to see if maybe we were at least always a little bit better than our peers of yesteryear, better than the average in / of our situations and circumstances? That we did the best we could reasonably have done given our tools to cope with it all at the time? Do we justify our past shortcomings by thinking "Well, given the circumstances, it's a miracle that I wasn't a thousand times worse!"? All of those things may be arguably true, but if you were a shitheel, then you were still a shitheel.

Constantly walking around thinking that you were decent didn't make it so... In fact, it took years to get to a place where you were even decent enough to SEE that you were not decent at all back then. Which means that you (read as "I", because really, who the fuck am I fooling here?) are finally just barely enlightened enough to put 2 and 2 together, and wonder "What if I am STILL a total ass-basket, and I STILL don't even fucking know it?"

How do we know it? Is there some way to measure such things? Is it a sliding scale based on the time and the world that we live in? Does any of it even matter one way or another?

I mean there's clearly nothing that we can do about the past, good or bad. The present and the future will end up how the end up, based on both ourselves, as well as circumstances beyond our control, and our reactions to them. Is simply 'doing the best we can in a circumstance' what makes us good people? Where is the cut-off line?

The world is being destroyed and everything is fucked up and most people are absolutely horrible monsters these days, so does any of it even matter? All the more reason to just remove myself and disassociate from everything and everyone, forever. And it wouldn't mean anything to anyone if I did. Self loathing levels are reaching critical mass. Abort mission, abort mission!

#Everything'sHorrible

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