Jan. 25th, 2017

poisonedgrace: (Default)
Last night, I dreamed about being in a weird store. It was a hospital gift shop, presumably (I honestly don't think I have ever actually been in one in person), but it was also like a re-sale shop, a book store, a comic / game store, and a pet adoption center, all rolled into one. I was with my family, and we were all browsing around, waiting on something. I was carrying this awesome white cat around with me, and he was totally chill and beautiful. After a while, one of the shop workers came and asked me if I was ready to take him home today, because the adoption papers came through, and he was going to be mine as soon as I signed the papers.

I couldn't take him right then, so I agreed to come back the next day after I got everything ready. I carried him around for a while, and loved on him, until everyone was ready to go. We left the store, and walked through the hospital, to a waiting room. We took our seats, and my sister came out to sing the national anthem. She took a pause in the middle to point out to me that my ex was in the waiting room, filling out papers. I didn't recognize her at first, because she had this terrible blond hair, cut super short, and really curly, and also looked really sick and different. I wasn't sure that it was her at all, so I peeked at the papers, and she was even spelling her name different.

After a bit, we began to talk. Kind of slowly and awkwardly at first, but as we gained steam, and really began talking, she slowly resumed her normal appearance. Her hair straightened out and got longer, and dark, her sunken, sick look faded away, until she looked like her old self (I mean, I assume she still looks like that, but I don't really have any way of knowing).

Something else was happening around this time, but I am unclear on what it was
, and I woke up enough to drop the connection with the dream, and I can't remember anything else from the night.

This insane urge to move out of state feels like it is becoming an obsession.
I've visited a lot of places, but never really entertained notions about settling somewhere else, for the long term before. I guess my love/hate relationship with this city has finally turned into enough disinterest, due to all the changes and garbage around here, that I just don't care anymore.

I've never had much of an idea of where I would go or anything else, but lately, that has shifted. If I suddenly had the money, I know exactly the steps that I would take, and what my goals would be. Not that it really changes anything at all, of course, because I am still here, and still barely making enough to string life from check to check, but it's an interesting mental and emotional adjustment to at least have these thoughts and feelings.

Of course, the jury is still out on whether or not the very act of having dreams, goals, desires or expectations (real, fanciful, active, idle, or whatever) is a good, or a bad thing, so I suppose that I will have to get back to you on that one.

I guess maybe this doesn't need a separate slot, because it may all be connected, but this is how it's falling out... Things feel really philosophical and introspective lately.

Again, not sure if it's a good or a bad thing. It feels like a 'fed up' thing. Like a 'reaching the limits' thing. But not in any kind of angry way. Or really even in any kind of exhausted way. It's different from that. Which I guess is what makes it strange.

I feel like I don't really have the correct language to discuss any of it, unfortunately (or is it?), so I don't know what else to say.

And for now, I guess not knowing what (else) to say (or how) puts a stop to it.

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