Jan. 23rd, 2017

poisonedgrace: (Default)
Last night, I dreamed about being a weird winding library. I was there with some people, as well as there being strangers there. I don't remember that I particularly liked all of the people I was there with. I remember there being everything there. Books, Comics, Board game stuff. In weird twisting winding nook and cranny rooms. Endless. I remember searching for something, and there being some purposes, but I have no details.

I also remember a dream where I was in a house, and then I went out side, and I was on a ladder, sweeping out the rain gutters. I was talking to someone inside the house, through the windows.
"Voices talking somewhere in the house, late spring, and you're drifting off to sleep with your teeth in your mouth." But that's about all I got with that one, as well.


poisonedgrace: (Default)
Had a dream last night about being back on the old property again for some reason. My mom's brothers were up to some shenanigans or the other, and had a lot of sketchy vehicles coming and going. Some Scooby-Doo villainry or the other. So we were going to drive over there and see what was what.

For some reason, my dad was there (you can always tell that it's going to be a nightmare when...) and we drove over in some old bronco or some type of 4wd thing he had. It was him, & me, & Cam, and some other people who I am unclear on. We went across the fields, and over in the corner of the other property, they had some area marked out and watered heavily, to make a mud field, and there were some guys in limousines doing do-nuts out there. Not sure what all that was about. We turned and headed towards the road from there, and went past some sort of pond / pool area that had been carved out.

We stopped to look at this mess. Part of it seemed to be some strange redneck swimming pool, and another part of it seemed to be stocked with carp and whatever. The fish were friendly and hungry, so they came right up to us. The part with the fish was built above ground, and the sides were glass or plastic or something. It went a bit above the ground, and there was a hole in the glass, so you could reach in. Thanks to dream physics, the water just formed a wall that you could reach through, rather than running out the hole.

I reached in, and pulled a fish out to examine. After a couple of seconds, I stuck him right back in. As we goofed around with these fish, and this vertical water situation, a massive knot of toys and junk floated over to where we were. It was a lot of little plastic green army men, similar plastic 'cowboys and Indians', dinosaurs, mermaids, my little ponys, rubber snakes, a jump rope or two, just a bunch of junk that kids would leave behind at a pool or whatever.

As this tangle of toys washed up near us, the fish moved on a bit. I noticed that among the knot of jumbled toys, that some of the rubber snakes were not painted bright, garish yellows, oranges and greens, like they typically are, but several of them were not only realistic looking, but were also opening up their little cobra hoods, and getting ready to strike. I tried to tell everyone to look out, and I moved away from the water. Of course, my dad didn't listen to me, and dismissed what I was saying as though I had no idea what I was talking about. Consequently, one of the nasty little cobras came right out of the vertical water wall, and skipping everyone else lunged all the way across the vehicle, and bit my hand.

He latched on good. I managed to get him pulled off with my other hand. I tried to hang on to him so we could present him at the hospital so they would know what bit me, and how to fix it. There was a lot of screaming as the wad of toys, and several other snakes started falling out of the pool, both into and around the vehicle. It was chaos. I was fighting with the snake that bit me, trying to not get bit again. I was calling out for help, and a belt to wrap around my arm to stop the venom from spreading, and trying to get taken to the hospital immediately. Cam had a pair of scissors or something from somewhere, so he cut the snake's head off, so it wouldn't bite me again.

Of course, during the greatest moment of the crisis, my dad was more focused on blaming everyone else, rather than actually doing anything to solve it. He was so busy calling out about how it wasn't his fault, and he had no way of knowing (never mind the fact that I straight TOLD him) and generally trying to twist the situation into one wherein HE was the victim. So basically it was exactly how it would have been in real life.
I got so mad, that I woke myself up from talking in my sleep. That was probably an hour or so before my alarm went off this morning, and I wasn't able to get back to sleep.

Dreaming about him always sucks, but I will take this kind over one of the dreams about him coming in my room to attack me in my sleep. It's amazing how surviving abuse can still affect your life so many years later.

I guess the weekend ended up with a mix of good and bad.
The good ended up being a somewhat last minute road trip. The household took the Tesla down to Fredericksburg, TX. I had never been before. It was a German settlement however many years ago when Texas was a baby, so they still have a heavy German influence in a lot of things, which I am also sure that they ham up for tourists.

It was fun, we saw about 1/2 of the main town area, and I think everyone would like to do it again eventually, and see the other half.0

The bad side of the weekend is that apparently, even simple communication is hard. I say 'hard' which is a word which here means "impossible for some people to initiate, under any circumstances, and outrageously difficult for them to even respond to when it is initiated by another, and put right in their lap, fully diagrammed, and made as simple as possible to respond to."

I really do try, continually, to focus on the positive things, and to keep relatively quiet about the other things. For several reasons. Chiefly among them, being that I get it. I understand. I really, honestly do.

But sometimes, I just get so tired, and feel so old, and feel like... Well I don't even know anymore.

Whatever. I guess we will see.
Not like I ever had the audacity to really expect much of anything from life anyhow.

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