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[personal profile] poisonedgrace
 Last night's dreams, I remember driving through a glorious swamp, teeming with live.  Every kind of green.  We went to visit someone who I think was supposed to be a cousin or something.  The only real details I remember are scenery stuff.

Night before last, I had some sort of 'wake up fighting' nightmare, but after I was fully awake, I couldn't remember any of it.

External (mostly job related) stresses are building up in her life, and I don't know how well she will manage it.
Historically, it's gone very poorly.  Life changes in general seem to.  I don't know how well it's going to work out, and then it puts me in that place of being torn.  

How patient can / should someone be?  There's a difference between being there for someone and allowing them to be negative, destructive, and hurl abuse.  Even if you sympathize with them and understand their reasons.  I feel like I spent a lot of time being too tolerant, and now I have been pushed too far for too long, and I don't know if I am "regular" or if I have become "intolerant".  Or maybe I am still too tolerant, and I am just upset about it.  Like I legit don't know where or how I am right now.

In general, she knows, too.  I guess she has finally listened to me a bit, and at least realizes how far she has pushed me, and how much my patience has eroded.  I think I have seen her make more effort and actual progress lately, than ever before.  But I am still like a mouse, sneaking through cat territory.  I can't shake the 'waiting for it to come' feeling.  

Ugh, it just feels like treading water.  I have no idea if we are any closer to the shore or not.

All I can do is wait, and see what comes next, I guess.  I hate for the blowup to come while she is dealing with other heavy mess in her life, but heavy mess or not, I have to learn to have boundaries, and standards for acceptable treatment.  I've never been horrible and aggressive or destructive towards any of my relationships when I had nightmares going on with other parts of my life.  I guess that needs to be my standard then.  I have spent a life trying to treat others how I want to be treated, I need to also demand the same treatment in return.

I feel like I am going in loops, with weird babbling pep-talks to myself.  
I guess if that's all ya got, then you make the best of it, right?

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