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Last night, I dreamed that I was in that weird grocery store that I have in my dreams sometimes.  This time, I was near the middle, with some family members.  Someone had a Pomeranian, and it was milling about in a wading pool.  Some of the rest of us were near there, having sword fights with these sticks, made for that purpose.  Some friend of my sister's, from long ago was mentioned by name, and the name was familiar to me, but I kept having all these different ideas who it was supposed to be, none of which were correct.  Of course, since she was mentioned, and it confused me, she then showed up (this was not any real person, but a creation of the dream).  Everyone kept telling stories of her being around in the past, and things that happened, even times when I was there, and this was supposed to be a person I was long term familiar with, but for whatever reason, I had no memory of her at all.  Everyone said that she had a much different appearance now anyhow.

We all got in a car and drove around looking at these massive and brilliant Halloween displays.  Whole yards and even neighborhood blocks done up in the grandest ways.  I was in the car beside this person, and we got along really well, even though I had no memory of her.  Her look kept changing, and she had tattoos, constantly shifting over her.  At times she had the tattoos of everyone I have ever known, sort of languidly rolling across her, different from one look to the next.  She suggested that we go to her old house, and everyone agreed.

We drove there, and it was a trailer, with a lot of porches and outbuildings, and she said that she had not been there in years but her family still lived there.  They were not home, so she got the spare key and went in.  There was a ton of Halloween stuff here too, and we were looking through it all, and I remember at one point, she was wearing a sort of open front brown robe, and I watch the tattoos shift and change and she had several different people's at the same time, even.  I liked her, and felt very familiar with her, even though I also felt like it was a first meeting.  There was more to all this
, but I can't remember.

Side note, I am not convinced that she wasn't One Of Them, but I was not sure enough to quantify the dream as such.

I don't remember any other dreams, either.
___

Limbo at least arrests the fall, even if briefly.
But that might not be a good thing, over all.

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Last night, I dreamed that I was somewhere... It was like a school, or a work type place, but I don't know what it was, exactly.  there were other people there, not terribly close, but very familiar.  Like classmates or coworkers, but not like friends or family.  I was looking through a pile of magazines, and inside one of them I found some kind of advertisement, and it was using an old picture of me.  I was holding some kind of reptile (it wasn't a real world picture, so I'm not sure of the dream details).  I was pretty mad that they had stolen my picture, and were using it in an ad campaign.  I went on a search of all the media I could find, and also ran across some TV commercial that used a picture of me in it as well.  I was still searching, and learning that this was a thing that happened to a lot of people when I finally woke up from it.

There were more dreams, but I don't remember.

Looks like I am probably going to be losing my lawsuit.  It's going to financially destroy me.  Not that there's much to destroy.  
I put it aside and tried to be hopeful, but at this point, I am cycling back to really wondering why I stay.
I don't have any hope left.
Not for much of any aspect of my future.
I hate where I live, and it's unlikely that I will ever be able to relocate, because of finances.
I hate the financial prospects of my future.  I'm never really going to be able to have anything, other than living hand to mouth on a Ramen Noodle diet.
I hate the romantic prospects of my future.  I am just waiting, trembling under swords and horsehair, shoes dropping all around me, quietly crouching on eggshells, and when that snaps, sooner or later, there is absolutely nothing beyond that buy a void.
So why?
Why do I keep waiting?
Why don't I just leave?

I feel completely stupid, no matter what choices I make.
Being alive is just as embarrassing as anything else.


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Last night I had this dream that I was at The Old House with a variety of people, and as usual at that place, there was a sense of approaching danger.  Some people dressed in weird ragged dark robes had been seen on the edge of the property.  We had a lot of rifles and stuff, so we were getting ready for trouble.  After a while, a huge mob of Klanspeople (I am at a loss of what to call them, but you know which turds I mean) came tromping across our property, burning crosses and getting wild.  As we prepared to go to battle with them, I woke up.  The dream had a lot of detail, but It's faded out by now.

My next dream, I was in some huge, awesome game/comic store, and I had a money is no object situation of some sort.  I was buying new miniatures, and some massive expensive paint sets that I've always wanted.  Nothing too deep there, I suppose, but that's how it was.

Nothing much else to talk about I guess.  My folks are coming in from Canada soon.  Going to spend tonight and tomorrow getting things straightened up.  Got paid today, paying out my bills, one more month down.  Unless things go south (I am rather expecting that they might at this point), then I have about 5 months left of XL Hard Times, and 8 months left of L Hard Times.  Hoping to settle into a regular size M eventually.  If things do go poorly... Well... I hope I just go ahead and croak and get it over with.

:P






 
 
 
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Some days, I don't even know where to start.
Last night, I had this very detailed dream about a world where I had a twin or something, and we wore pink, and had chainsaws.  We were some sort of political crusaders, or revolutionaries or reality TV stars, or all of the above, or something.  We went around chainsawing things for justice, and pointing out the hypocrisy of the world.  We went through some whole campaign, and at the end, it was some weird stand off with some leader, on TV, and we were chainsawing my leg off to prove that he was a liar.  It all made some sort of sense at the time, I'm pretty sure.


After that, I had a dream about a place that was sort of like Venice, Italy, but more dark and grimy, possible underground, even.  Everything was a series of waterways, and you had to have a boat to get around.  I was minding my own business, when the area was attacked by some sort of big Cthulhu monster.  It looked like Bog C itself, but smaller.  Maybe a spawn or something.  It was lumbering down the waterway, wrecking things, then it would turn around, and patrol back, then do it again, in a sort of loop, the way video game monsters walk in patterns.

Lots of people were trying to stop it, and attacking it in all sorts of ways, but nothing was working.  I knew that I could stop it because i had special supplies, and knew the spell.  I had to dig through a chest, and find a rolled up bundle.  Inside there, was a sort of metal item shaped like a small electric megaphone, a bag of powder, some wood shavings, some paper, a steel bar with a ball on the end, some fuses, some small rubber plugs, and some balls made of some shiny silver metal.  I had to put the rubber plug in the bottom of the megaphone, then pour some powder, and tamp it down really firm with the metal rod.  Then I had to place a small layer of shavings, drop the metal ball in, more shavings, then pack it with paper.  After that, I turned it over, and stuck a fuse through the rubber plug.  

I had to get someone to let me use a boat to get out to the center of the waterway, which was challenging because I was some detested 3rd class citizen, and only more well off people had boats.  After a big pain in the ass, I finally managed to get out there.  When the creature came past, I had to yell "IA! IA!" to get it's attention, then when it looked at me, I had to shout "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" and that made it lumber towards me.  THEN, I had to point the megaphone at it, and light the fuse.  

The thing went off like a cannon and when the metal ball hit the creature, it did massive amounts of damage to it.  It was probably like 60% dead.  But I had to reload and do it all over again.  It was a slow process and I kinda had to scamper around while I tried to do it.  I ran up the strip of land in the middle of the waterway, and the creature lashed out at all the other people who had been ineffectively attacking it.  I was becoming a hero because I was stopping the thing, and as soon as I finally got rerloaded and did my incantations and lit my fuse..
. I woke up.

LATER, I had a dream about a house we used to live in.  In a round about way.  I was at some place that had food and arcade games.  Like a Chuck E Cheese's or something along those lines.  I was trying to play some goofy hero beat-em-up thing, but it wasn't working right, and kept switching to a different game.  I was trying to solve that by standing 20 feet away from it and gesturing wildly.  It seemed to be working, but then someone else came along and took over my game, so I went to sit on a stool and eat food.  As I sat, some strangers came to join me, and started asking me about "The Blaylock House".

I told them that yes, I used to live there, and yes, it was haunted.  I pulled out some weird big Ouija board and started telling them all about all kinds of stuff about the history of this haunted house, and this enchanted Ouija board that I got there.  The dream was a sort of mix between both narratives (me at the food place telling the history, and me during the history past, having the experience) from there on.  I know it had a lot to it, bu
t that's about all I can really quantify now.

I hate that I continue to feel so tense when things are going relatively smoothly.  It's not easy to trust it, because it's been shown time and time again that it could just implode at any moment, no matter what I do (or don't do).  That precedent makes it so that the tension carries over from one flare up to the next.  Which may be a failing on my part, but I don't know how much I can be blamed for having a direct response to the environment that has been created in spite of my efforts, but that's probably an entirely other branch of philosophy...

Idk, I guess it's just repeating myself endlessly, and either "stop whining, or do something about it", right?










 
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Last night, I dreamed that the newborn baby of a family friend was kidnapped, and we had to organize a team up between a whole big diverse lot of super heroes and villains in order to get the baby back.  There was a lot to it, negotiation, phone tag, soothing super egos, and getting people on board to help.  But the details of it all are fading fast, so it only gets this small write up haha. 

The next dream I remember, I was sitting somewhere, and a sea lion about the size of a small ferret crawled onto my leg.  It was mottled with bright blue, and vivid red, divided by a gold flake sort of patina on it, metallic and reflective.  It sat on my leg for a bit and looked at me, then wiggled away in that flopping sort of crawl that they do on land.  I was sitting with and talking to someone during this, but I don't know who.

Over the missing last few days (I took a few days off work, to get some stuff done), I had a dream that I was a Pharaoh, and I had ultimate power over everything, and the only rule was that I was not allowed to force people to leave the book store.  I had a few others during those days, but  I am not remembering them at the moment.

I finished up with the magazine purge / button making portion of going through my stuff.  Need to get back to being focused on some progress in that area.  It was a side street that caused  me to derail a bit.

Aside from that, I guess I don't have much to say.  The usual up and down.  



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Last night, I dreamed that I was at a body of water with someone, and the water was thick with life.  Almost a gelatin  of tadpoles, fish, and every living thing you can imagine being in the water.  We had been wanting to swim, but it was impossible because of this.  We started in the middle somehow, but made it to shore.  Once we got there, we sat at the edge where the waves met the land.  As we sat, we discovered that buried right under the sand, there was a raccoon nest.  In this world, raccoons somehow went into a stasis in a nest just underground until they were ready to come out.  Like the mothers planted the babies or something, I don't know.  We started digging one out, and when we got to him, he was surrounded by some colorful string type material, most of it purple.  We got him free, and he was totally domesticated, and pretty much like a loving kitten.  We started digging for more, and ended up with raccoons of all colors and patterns.  

I shifted out of that dream around that time.

In my next dream, I was at work, only it was a different world, as well.  I had to move over a few seats to my left, and someone else was taking my seat.  Most of the dream was just me moving my stuff, and attempting to get my new work station set up.  It had a lot of detail, but nothing much to talk about.

After that, I had a dream that I was driving in a car with someone, and we kept seeing all these cool oldschool trucks, except the wheels and drivetrains had all been replaced with treads and tracks.  The center of it was also on some kind of lift, so in addition to the tank sort of look of the things, they could also raise up high above the movement mechanism.  For some reason the streets near my house was swarming with them.  We talked about how cool it was, and also how expensive it must be.  We drove past a garage that was just churning them out.  we were going to stop and ask for info, bit something happened, and we ended up having to travel through some sketchy tunnels on foot instead.

The next dream, I was traveling a long distance with my family, and we kept stopping at a whole lot of different thrift stores, and I was getting increasingly nervous about being late to wherever we were going.  This one was maybe the most detailed of the lot, in that I saw so many different locations, and the vast amount of stuff that was in each store was all really intricate. I wish I could remember more of the specific narrative here, because there was a lot going on.

I sent a note to myself when I woke up from these, to help me remember, that way I could at least write down the basics.
 
I just had as quiet a day yesterday as possible.  After work, I ate a whole frozen pizza (well, I mean, I cooked it first).  I took a nap.  I played video games until bed time.  Nice and quiet, no problems, no issues.  Maybe I will do it again today.  Except I am out of pizza.  But something similar.


 
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Last night I had two different dreams.  

The first one, I was in school, and as I was sitting in a class, I looked over to my right, and you were sitting there.  It made me furious, because you have spent all these years hiding and avoiding me, and on the rare occasion that I found you, and tried to reach out, you have ignored me.  Of course, I don't know what else I should expect, since you ghosted me back years ago.  But in this dream, there you were, sitting there one row over.  I spoke to you, and you actually talked to me.  At some point in the class, you wrote something nice about me.  The part that makes me the most angry is that i somehow forgave you and all the years of you being a total fucking ass just melted away, and I loved you again.  Even after waking up, it still makes me angry.  Forgiving you without some really good answers and conversations about what happened is not only out of the question, but it makes me ashamed.  I am ashamed of dream me.  After that, I went to my locker and like 20 people were trying to break into it.  I opened it for them, and it was just filled with notes and details of a novel that I want to write.

That's really all I remember of that dream.  It's too much as is, and maybe on the other hand, not enough.

The next one, I was living in a place in a lush green forest.  The bottom floor was all one huge room with windows covering 3 sides.  It was an open living room / kitchen, with a porch all around.  The back wall had no windows.  It had a fireplace, and stairs behind that going up to the 2nd floor where the bedroom, etc was.  I was in the living room, working on some sort of crafting stuff.  I had green moss (like from a model train store or something, I guess?) strewn about allllll over the place.  Like tons of it.  I was listening to music while I was trying to work (no idea wtf I was doing), but people kept interrupting me.  Someone was telling me over and over that they had moved me to the "modern line" at work, so things would be slightly different.  I have no idea what that even means.

I know it had a lot more details, but that's all I kept.

Nothing else today.
Yesterday was just the same as anything.









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Last night I had a dream that I had been arrested.  Again.  In the dream, it was "again".  I have never been arrested before in the real world.  I'm not sure what was going on, but I was on some sort of action movie rampage, and people were shooting all over, only no one was getting hurt.  They came to get me, and I snatched up a gun with like a hundred bullets in it, and emptied it into the neck of some guy who was after me, and he just kind of calmly accepted that.  Then the cops came and very politely and respectfully took me away.  They made me change clothes, but they didn't take my helmet away from me, or book me to learn who I was.  

So, my helmet was like a full head thing, with some sort of HUD and PA  / EVR thing, kind of like how Iron Man sees the world.  I had it send my mom a message to let her know what was going on, while I started working on a way to get out of there.


There was more to that one, and a lot of details, but that's about all I can remember.


Later, my next dream, my family ran some sort of general store / train station / post office sort of thing.  I guess that might be how it was in the wild west or something.  I remember taking a call from someone expecting a package on the trail later that day, but they couldn't give me enough info to be helpful.  We sold a variety of different swords, all styles and sizes.  We sold monkeys and birds and a lot of different "anti-monster supplies" like glow in the dark tooth-brushes that would stop the monsters from ever being able to enter your bathroom.  Most of the birds, and some of the monkeys could talk.  Cam was moving away to embark on some sort of internship, and Eric was taking over the pets division of the outfit.  He was really good at talking to the animals.

That one was very detailed, and in spite of how it sounds, was also somehow very realistic.
___

I don't even remember any details about last night.  I don't think there were any issues, but frankly, I'm not sure that I could tell you either way.  Sometimes it's like that.  I get detached and a numbness settles over and I just don't care.  My backup plan is 'die old and alone under a pile of books, and eaten by my 40 cats I will collect up", so it feels like there's no point in really making any changes, unless it gets to a breaking point.  Who cares anyhow?  It's never really been what it should, at any point in my life, no reason to have expectations now.  Or for the future.

There's no point in having dreams, because I always wake up from them.


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Had a weird series of dreams last night.
At first, I was on a weird train platform / subway station with my mom, and my GF.  We were rushing to try to get to a train, but we had to shove through tons and tons of elementary school kids who were in the way.  We finally got past them, and my mom made it on the train, but the doors closed right after her, and we were unable to get on.  We were going to have to wait for the next one.  As we waited, my GF gave me a gift.  It was some sort of media, but not like a CD or a DVD.  I mean it was similar, but it was a vague thing that doesn't actually exist.  I viewed it, and saw like a hidden track, or a hidden file or something.  When it was played,  I saw a thing sort of like a movie, and also, certain parts of my relationship with reality were altered at the same time.  I remember footage of a girl playing a small guitar / ukulele type thing, and her right hand had the fingers arranged on it like a central ball, with the fingers coming out of it radially, like the spokes on a wheel, or like legs on a spider.  It was impossible to tell if I was watching a video, or having an experience, or having a memory of something that had happened before.

Suddenly, I was crouching on the floor of the train station, but everything was dark and shadowy.  My GF was standing over me, trying to help me, but I was crying because in my reality, she was a rotten corpse, and all the shadows were closing in.  From there, the scene kept shifting in that same way where I couldn't tell what was real / memory / recorded, and it was a rapid fire series of different horrific scenes, and I am not remembering them very well, but they were all very detailed, and there was at least 6 of them, and they were all unrelated.  On some level, I was aware of them not being real, but I was still trapped in them and trying to understand.  They all had themes revolving around the concept of 'damnation'.  I woke up fighting and crying out at least once, but when I fell back asleep, I went back into the over all scenario.
  That went on until my alarm went off.
___

Saw Spiderman on Saturday.  I really want to see it again.  Any complaints I would have would be fairly minimal at worst.  I am excited to see more of the series, and what they do next.

Aside from that, it was a pretty empty weekend.  Dealt with at least 2 rounds of total nonsense.  This shit saps my energy and makes me useless for getting anything done in life.  

I guess I am the world's biggest idiot, lifetime achievement award.
Three lifetimes running.










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I had at least 3 really detailed dreams last night, but I am barely hanging on to just one of them.  I was at a place, like a cafeteria maybe, or a work break room, I feel like it was ion a college campus.  There was a guy there who worked at the same place as me, but I didn't really know him, I just knew who he was.  He was also a student there, and he was going on a date with the friend of some girl I knew.  She was asking me about him, but I didn't have much info to share.  After a while we left there, and talked in a classroom where she taught a class.  When it was time for the class to start, all of these fabulous drag queens came in.  It was some sort of Gay History 101 class.  I had to leave, but I wanted to see how it all turned out.


I feel like the dreams that I haven't been remembering lately have been more important than the ones I have been.  I guess it's not exactly like I can pick and choose though, is it?

Excited to go see Spiderman: Homecoming tomorrow.  I feel like I've been waiting for this since I was a kid.  The other movies, not as much.  Even though there was some excitement, there was always an edge of something being 'off' with all of them.  Some complaints that I already had going in to them.  But this time, I am going in with no complaints at all, and much more optimism than before.  Hopefully, it doesn't disappoint.

I feel like there is something else I should be saying here, but I don't know what.




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Last night I dreamed that I was at my grandparent's house, and they were still alive.  My mom's brothers were there, too.  I was in the front room with my siblings, and we were trying to pack up all these cool, weird Halloween collectible figurines.  My grandmother, with her dementia, kept coming in the room and being nutty, and disrupting us.  My grandfather, and my uncle were having a conversation about some guy who was coming over to paint a car for them.  Eventually the guy showed up, and brought his kid with him.  There was more to it, but that's all I remember.

There were also several other dreams that I remembered at some point, but the details are gone now.

Made cheesy garlic bread last night.  Didn't turn out as well as I had hoped, because I was out of aluminum foil. 
I guess it was ok, but I have a high standard with stuff like that.  I probably expect more than I am actually even capable of, as seldom as I actually cook from scratch.

___

Really feeling overwhelmingly Rimbaud today.

"Once, if my memory serves me well, my life was a banquet where every heart revealed itself, where every wine flowed.

One evening I took Beauty in my arms - and I thought her bitter - and I insulted her.

I steeled myself against justice.

I fled. O witches, O misery, O hate, my treasure was left in your care!

I have withered within me all human hope. With the silent leap of a sullen beast, I have downed and strangled every joy.

I have called for executioners; I want to perish chewing on their gun butts. I have called for plagues, to suffocate in sand and blood. Unhappiness has been my god. I have lain down in the mud, and dried myself off in the crime-infested air. I have played the fool to the point of madness.

And springtime brought me the frightful laugh of an idiot.

Now recently, when I found myself ready to croak! I thought to seek the key to the banquet of old, where I might find an appetite again.

That key is Charity. - This idea proves I was dreaming!

"You will stay a hyena, etc...," shouts the demon who once crowned me with such pretty poppies. "Seek death with all your desires, and all selfishness, and all the Seven Deadly Sins."

Ah! I've taken too much of that: - still, dear Satan, don't look so annoyed, I beg you! And while waiting for a few belated cowardices, since you value in a writer all lack of descriptive or didactic flair, I pass you these few foul pages from the diary of a Damned Soul."

food fued

Jul. 5th, 2017 07:07 am
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Surprisingly, no flareups since last time I was here.  IDKWTF.  The only consistent thing is the inconsistency. 
Had a pretty lazy holiday. Taco Tuesday trumps 7/4, so I just enjoyed the day off and ate TT earlier than usual :P

Mowed part of the back yard before the weather became too awful to survive.  Will have to do it in chunks to avoid heat / sun damage.

Still didn't move my book shelves.  I need to do that, and stop dragging my feet on it.  Maybe I will finish cleaning them and get them ready to move today.  

I am so hungry today, and I totally forgot that I have a box of mini-donuts in my room that would have been perfect to bring to work today.  So irritated that I forgot them.

I'm going to make myself a cheesy garlic bread tonight.  I am too hungry and excited abut it.  lol
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I vaguely remember dreams that had something to do with cars, and possibly ghosts.
There was a lot more to it, but I didn't retain much.

Things seemed alright most of the weekend, but then Sunday evening, they suddenly and inexplicably went to shit.  
I guess it's just the usual self-hating bullshit that manifests in a way where it becomes impossible for her to understand that everyone doesn't have the same nonsense ideas and opinions about her that she has about herself.  That, and a total lack of any ability to treat other people the way that she would like to be treated.  

I could go on about it, and even hit up a lot of detail, but it's pointless.  If this mess continues on any form of the way it was last night, there will not be anything left by Wednesday.  I am so burned out on it all.  I have already shed my tears, and I really just feel sort of numb towards either outcome at this point.

I can't believe that at this point in my life I am still struggling with the same unhealthy mess out of other people.
I can't believe that I am STILL learning various shades of the "you can't save/heal/change other people."



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Last night, I dreamed that I was giving some weird tour of the house I grew up in.  It was like a strange guide through spectral tragedy and fear.  That wasn't fun.

Later, I had a dream that I was in my room, trying to sleep, and that some girl came in, and woke me up by climbing into bed with me.  In the dream, I knew her, and she was someone that I had known for a very long time.  she was supposed to be in our guest room, but for whatever reason, there she was, panties and t-shirt, waking me up in the middle of the night.  She started trying to talk to me about something that I did which upset her, and I was trying to understand what she was saying, and apologize, but I was really sleepy.  After some conversation, which was confusing on my end, I guess she was happy enough with me, because she straddled me and took off her shirt.  I pulled the covers up around her shoulders, and was like "ok, go to sleep", but she had other ideas.

As all this was going on, some people came in my room, and started putting down their luggage and trying to talk to me.  I was sleepy, and now cranky, and also trying to hide this 96% nude girl under my covers.  One by one more people came in, and I yelled at them.  It was a constant parade of extended family, mostly from my dad's side.  They were all arriving for some reunion or event or something, and seemed to think that they all needed to come into my room unexpectedly, even though I was trying to sleep.  Of course, now I had the added issue of this naked woman squirming under my covers as well.  After some of the people wouldn't leave me room, i pulled a knife out and threatened them with it until they left and shut the door.  Then, Naked McNudykins took that as her cue to get started with her business.
 I woke up, and was glad that I could go back to sleep, because I was almost as tired and cranky as I had been in the dream.

Got a few steps farther along in my clean up/out project yesterday.  It is going to literally take months and months to get this done, especially at the slow rate I tend to do these things in.
But hey, progress is progress, right?

Glad that it's Friday, even if I have a massive shit ton of things to get done this weekend :/





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Fragment of a dream last night.  I was gathering up all these baby birds, and trying to put them in a box.  There were all different kinds, and I'm not sure what I was even supposed to be doing with them.  As this became hectic, some other types of baby animals began to show up, and some person was there, trying to tell me something.  That's all I have on that one.

Nothing else has changed since yesterday.

Still working on getting bills paid, hoping for the best, and working towards some form of relief.  Only 5 more months )plus 1 small payment) left on my loan, getting that paid off will be a massive help.  Nine more months left on the lawyer payments.  Really hoping with toes crossed and cheeks clenched tight that no other deviltry comes up before at least one, if not both of those go down.

I realize that hoping for more than a temporary reprieve from such burdens is too much to ask for.


...

Jun. 28th, 2017 07:05 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
 
Nothing to speak of last night.
Vague dreams about doing a lot of physical labor alongside some guy I really hated. 

This week is starting to feel long.  1.5 hrs left to go on work, and I am super hungry.
Some days, I feel like continuing to try is pointless and useless, and that even if everything was to go well from now on, that the stress of 'waiting for it' would never go away at this point.  I wonder if it means that it's too far gone.  Am I trying to ride a dead horse through a ghost town here?
Again?

Sometimes I think about all of y'all from before, and I just get so goddamned mad and insulted and disgusted.  I wonder if there's a point in trying. Then, now, the future? 

What's it ever gotten me, really?





poisonedgrace: (Default)
 
Last night I had this sprawling sort of dream that was like some march through sections of everyone that I have ever known sort of flashing by.  Like walking through a maze populated by... everyone or something.  I remember a few random instances of specifics, but most of it is vague, such as visiting people's homes, people visiting my homes, people meeting at the homes of others, or reunion type settings. I specifically remember being in a room with a group of people as waves if enemies entered.  All sorts of vile undead creatures and stuff, and we had weapons and tools and had to halt their progress.  I had done this a million times, and talked everyone through it.

I remember later, being at a sort of a mall or something near a river, and tons of people I have known were all over, waiting in lines and talking.  I was with a blond woman who had patched of metallic gold skin with rough texture.  She had a splash of it right across the middle of her face, and it could be blinding in the sun.  She didn't want to walk anymore, so I carried her, we were going somewhere specific, and could not be separated. 


There was a lot more to it, but I woke up.

Yesterday was more of the same.  I reach out into my life, and run my hands across the strings and I feel the trembling fragility of... everything.  Frail and shatterable, slowly decaying, even that has a certain kind of beauty.


Also, my folks are headed back to Canada on Friday. 




nothing

Jun. 26th, 2017 07:17 am
poisonedgrace: (Default)
 

Nothing new to report.  Got a lot of organizing done this weekend, and can move some shelves once I have assistance with it.
At a point now where I am bogged down with some detail organizing, so it feels really slow.  I guess that situation will come and go through this whole process though.





poisonedgrace: (Default)
 Last night, I had a really detailed dream, that we were together.  I guess we had been for a while.  We were happy and everything was good.  You enjoyed using your wiles to lure women into bed with us.  I spent a lot of time as an all-you-can-eat salad buffet that I really liked.  I guess it's one of those dreams that even though it was rich with detail and content, there's just not much way to turn it into a lengthy write up. 

After I woke up from that one, I know that I had another dream, but I am not currently remembering it.

Pay day Friday.  Monthly bills done today (for next month), so one more month down on Poverty Quest.  Still keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn't get worse before it gets better.  Or hell, permanently worse, that's always a strong possibility as well :/

My spine was alright to do some cleaning and organizing yesterday.  Hopefully I won't pay for it too badly today.
If I can keep my pace up, I should be able to move 2 entire book shelves later today, or tomorrow, which is a really big step towards getting things done.


poisonedgrace: (Default)
 Last night, I had a dream that I had some job giving tours of houses.  I guess maybe I was a real estate agent? But it didn't really feel like that, so I don't know.  More like maybe an appraiser, or an investigator of some kind, because I wasn't trying to sell these places by any means.  I remember walking through a sprawling, ramshackle property with several other people.  We were going through totally trashed rooms, filled with all sorts of mess, when from the back of the house, a lion walked into the room with us.

The lion began to apologize, and he said that he had been doing laundry, and hadn't heard us come in.  We all went together for the rest of the tour.  The lion lived there, of course (I mean why else would he be doing his laundry there, otherwise?), and had a lot of things to tell us about the place.  I wish I could remember what they were.  We went outside into the back, and there was a cluster of swimming pools, and a basketball or tennis court or something as well. 

The water in the pools was just as bad and dirty as the house itself.  Filled with all kinds of things, toys, bicycles, old appliances...  The water was murky and dark and loaded with vegetation.  Huge lizards lurked around the area, some in the water, some not.  As we looked at all this, some other lions came kind of near, but the lion who lived there, said to ignore them, because they were wild lions, and had no business there.

After a while, the people I was with all left, and I stayed there to hang out with the lion.  We sat in big recliners, and watched TV, and he was teaching me to play the guitar.  We each had one, and just poked away at them the whole time we watched TV and had conversations
.


The second dream that I remember, I had to keep track of a whole bunch of ferrets, and they were just awful.  Making messes, stinking, being bastards.  Anyone who has ever had a ferret, can appreciate the trouble.  After a while of this, I got into a self-driving pickup truck with some family members.  As we rode along, some really terrible hurricane level rainstorms came up, and it got scary.  Then the roads froze over and the truck was spinning all around.  Someone climbed out the window into the back of the truck, and then jumped out onto the highway.  Eventually, we made it to a sort of valley, with a road going lower and lower, switching back and forth, sheltered from the storm.  At the bottom was a lush enchanted forest with all the green and pretty.

I never got to see what was down there, because my sleep disturbed enough to break it, then the next thing I knew, I was in a self driving car, with totally different family members, and we were traveling through a town, to some old style restaurant somewhere.  And then
I remember nothing, beyond that.






 

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